Is it a pebble?... sure feels like a boulder...
 

I'm taking this quote from a friend who posted it today on Facebook:

How true! When we suffer from depression and those intrusive beat-you-up thoughts, its like an annoying pebble gets in our shoe!

And looking ahead at that mountain we have to climb, we start letting that pebble wear us out... instead of stopping... and taking the time... to remove the pebble.

I wish it were easier...

shame if i do, shame if i don't...
 

Dear Addy

that is a good analogy.

the thing is, i've seen so many people, others, walk on, pebbles, with pebbles and even sharp rocks in their shoes...

i am ashamed that my pebble stops me from climbing the mountain... even from just moving towards the mountain. :o

and that is why sometimes sometimes i try to muddle forward all the same, fall flat on my face, and feel ashamed for falling.

but when i stop, i feel ashamed of stopping, for a pebble in my shoe.

~ waves ~

Oh I love this....but, what if it's a pebble that we have no choice but to walk with...that takes a special kind of strength and courage. :grouphug:

And if you have 4 or 5 pebbles you have to walk as carefully and as directly as you can.

and maybe try to be goal oriented, with a reason to live......:grouphug:

You know, Waves, I hear ya when you mention shame...

I guess we feel shame because we have bought into that stigma we're fed... that mental illness is something to be ashamed of... ya, we exhibit some pretty erratic behaviours... and whenthat darn pebble stops us in our tracks.... its a mental battle with our "selves" to do what we gotta do...

I'm getting pretty good at forgiving myself... I hope you can learn to do that too Waves... it comes with age (some of us have to get real old to say, oh, what the hell... ... it is what it is....)

Yep, Wren and Alffee... sometimes we just don't have a choice... its impossible to remove the pebble......

maybe we could shift it around.... between our toes... or into the arch of our shoe...

:sing: Addy

I'm there...it is what it is. I call it acceptance, change the things we can but am no longer going to die trying. :grouphug:

i thought about this thread today, while i was walking to the store, and while walking back.

i wore different shoes than usual because of the hot weather. ended up being just as hot, but these shoes also get sand in them, which made me think of pebbles in my shoes.

so i thought about how, many times on this same walk, i've run the scenario of throwing myself under a car. oh, i wouldn't do it... too afraid of pain/being maimed or ending up a vegetative financial burden to my family. and then i started thinking about hell. and how that's some place you can't get out of. no stopping to remove a pebble there.

my feet hurt - no pebbles but got friction burns on my heels. stopping would have removed the pain, but i could not just stay there in the middle of nowhere. i was hot and thirsty too. i needed to get home. i had no choice but to keep going.

so in hell you don't have a choice either. and some people, in life, don't have a choice but are truly victims of circumstance. in much more serious situations than just friction burns on the heels.

but one choice we make, is the one not to try to die. and we make that choice constantly, repeatedly, second after living second.

suicide is a choice you make once. life is a choice you making over and over and over and over. every step that you don't take, in front of that mac truck, is a choice to just put up with it... keep going....

... even if you don't enjoy it.

Addy ... i feel more ashamed now, than i did when i was younger. in recent years it has got worse and worse. :o

~ waves ~

I like this thread, inspirational and hearfelt with a dose of true honesty!!

I like that some of us do have pebbles we can't discard and have to learn to accept and how to best walk on our journey with. It sure helps to have friends.....:grouphug:

Wow - what a remarkable thread. :grouphug:
"I'm there...it is what it is. I call it acceptance, change the things we can but am no longer going to die trying."

We're taking big steps.

Addy - I used to live by this motto and had it posted on my fb too at a time ;) So nice to see it again after I've forgotten all about it.

Just wanted to add my two cents... after a lifetime of pebbles in my shoes....

Acceptance is the key. And what I like to think of as the biggest challenge in life. Accepting your past, your mistakes, your regrets, your family, your present, your future, yourself.

How to do it: I am still trying to figure out. But working on it. Family is a big one for me, as well as myself.

Baby steps. One day at a time.

:grouphug:

The great 'Gandhi'...................apparently was on his way to Calcutta by train.

When he arrived at the train station...thousands of admirers came out to greet him.

his entourage, were keen to keep the locals at a distance from him, but in the jostling crowd that ensued....Gandhi lost one of his sandals.....it came of his foot and fell in between the track side and a waiting train on a platform.

A station hand ....under loud vocal instruction. from his embarrassed superiors..tried to get between the platform edge and the waiting train to retrieve the holy mans sandal.

Gandhi....apparently said to the station hand..


'leave it good man it is of no importance'.....and in the next action through his other sandal in a similar direction.......
'Now it is of importance...because if a poor man finds them both he will have a pair of shoes to wear.'

Maybe....Gandhi realised walking with one sandal was like having a pebble in his shoe....and would have been very awkward.

Giving the second sandal up,,,,,,,so as to benfit someone less fortunate....may have relieved him of any pebbles in his footwear.....so he could continue to conquer mountains [MAYBE???? only my opinion]

My THEORY IS TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES.................walk barefoot at times...and feel natures pain...... maybe we too,
can then walk further and help others along the way?

David

Thanks, everyone, for your insight.

On my way home from work yesterday afternoon I stopped at a drop-in medical clinic. Since moving, I no longer have a doctor who sees me regularly so I wanted to get the name of one of the very compassionate doctors there who might possibly be taking new patients. No luck but I was able to get the name of a doc who can possibly take me on. I'll follow up on that later today.

In the meantime, I saw the doctor who was working.... and by the time he saw me, I was ready to just leave and say.... oh, forget it....

but I didn't... and I talked to him briefly about my overwhelming anxiety and sadness and whether or not I should up my anti-depressant...

I told him I just wanted to go home and drink... to bury my feelings... and knowing that was a bad move, I came to him...

so... I'll up my meds... and pray that this will make the difference...

I feel like I have to numb the pain... and with that, I pray I can rid myself of those not wanting to live feelings ...

Ghandi was a brilliant man.

I will take both shoes off... I have to... in order to survive this mind of mine which....

.... I didn't meant to end my post that way....

... this mind of mine which is betraying me... ?

Addy, so glad you were able to ask for help.... I will be hoping with you that it really does help and the increase makes the difference.

:hug:

Dear Addy

i wish you well with the increase in anti-depressant. you did a good job to go talk to the doc about increasing it.

remember that with some AD's, after you have taken the same one for a long time, they can stop working, but in that case often just changing to a different one will often help. so don't be afraid to go back to the doctor, if you don't notice enough improvement within the expected time period after the dose increase.

let us know how you are doing. :hug:

~ waves ~

Hi waves... yep, I'm starting to think that perhaps its time to change meds.... been on this one for many years... trouble is, I don't feel medicated on this one - and have no strange side-effects like dry mouth, dreams (nightmares), restless leg syndrome... all those things that other drugs used to do to me.... so I'm hesitant.

I now have an appointment for med September with a new doc - its called "meet and greet" - I guess we see if we're a good fit... interesting anyway. Then I'll start to think about med changes as that will give me plenty of time to see a difference with upping what I'm taking now.

I woke up in a great mood today... bright sunshine and happy thoughts... and with a visitor coming over to spend time at the pool with me this afternoon, I've got lots to look forward to. .... and tomorrow, my baby doll 2 year old grandaughter is coming over so that I have lots to be thankful for :)

I'll wear open-toed shoes today... so that the pebble can fall out when it gets in there! ;)

:sing: Addy

Dear Addy

i am glad your day started out well today. i hope it continued well. :hug:

~ waves ~

thinking of you today at the pool with babydoll grandaughter...have fun! You are worth it dear Addy. :hug: