I don't think I want to do this anymore
 

It's been 9 months sense my TBI and even though I have learned to read again and am allowed to drive once more I have just lost so much. My job-teacher, I had to move in with a friend (who I feel like a burden to), many of my friends no longer call, I'm beyond broke, most days I don't get out of bed or leave my room. I know who I am and who I was but I can't make them united together. It's fustrating to have your body betray you, it drives you insane when you can't trust your brain. Are those real memories or a dream? Did that happen yesterday or 3 months ago? Can I even trust my emotions around others? I don't want to bother anyone and tell them what I am really thinking or feeling. I wish that car accident would have just ended all of this and made my existance easier. I'm scared that if anyone finds out what i'm thinking they will think I'm crazy. I just don't want to start my life over, it's not worth it. I feel trapped and I want everyone to think I am ok but I really just want to die.

hold on
 

welcome to nt

adjusting to a altered self is the hardest part of an injury, on the sticky,s at the top of the page are some support groups and organizations that will help you, the system leaves. people with no support network , so its up to us to seek them out, the whole thing with TBI is it takes time. to recover . look how far you have come.

you need not be on your own with this

keep us posted :hug:

mbrook, I know how you feel! I've had similiar thoughts of despair myself. Just reading the posts here and reaching out has helped, so maybe that will do something, even small for you too.

Do you have any of the recommended books to also help reassure you? Two of them:
Brainlash
Coping with Mild Traumatic Brain Injury

Please keep us posted and don't give up.

I've felt that way at times. I don't know any quick or pat answer. I still struggle with it, although I'm much better at the one year mark and hope for a full recovery at some point in the future. It helps me to focus on what I can do, not what I've lost. It is hard to accept that I'm not the same, but I've had more peace since I came to terms with it. You're not crazy and this site is wonderful place for support, we understand. Hang in there.

Best wishes to you...

mbrook,

mTBI is almost impossible to handle on your own. You need to be very strong to go it alone. Try trusting those who appear willing to listen. You will be surprised at how much they care, especially, once they understand. You definitely need to download and print out the TBI Survival Guide at http://www.drakecenter.com/file.axd?...vivalGuide.pdf

Have your friends read it too. They will have ah ha moments that will empower them to help you. many are just confused as to how to respond to you, much less help you.

Your friend needs to read it. It will help with household situations.

You probably should see a professional to help determine if you are suffering from depression. I had horrible struggles with depression from many of the concussions I suffered in my younger years.

One of the doctors I saw got me started on good vitamin nutrition and it helped immensely. I have posted many times about my nutritional recommendations.

Hormones can also get very out of balance from a concussion. A good blood panel including thyroid (T-3, T-4, TSH), sex hormones, B-12, folate, Vit D, etc. PCS subjects need to be at the high end of the normal range for B-12 and the others. Avoiding or severely limiting caffeine, MSG, aspartame (Equal sweetener) is helpful.

Let us know about your specific symptoms. There are many ways to deal with the symptoms of PCS.

My best to you.

Thanks I just needed to know that I wasn't crazy
 

I'm just having a hard time trying to understand my new life. I'm 32 and now I have to start all over- new job, the foods I eat have even changed, and I'm trying to figure out who I'm suppose to be.
My Dr.s say I have Post Concussive Syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and want to put me on anti-depressants and anxiety meds. I just can't take any more pills. I'm already on major pain meds and seizure meds.
I know I shouldn't be ashamed to tell people but I'm afraid they will think I am stupid or that I can't make my own decisions. I just keep saying I'm "Ok". Why am I so paranoid?

Dear mbrook,

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. You definitely are not going crazy! You have been through so much.

At times it can be hard to have faith when you are feeling so desperate, helpless, and in tremendous pain. Please do know and believe that you are still healing. It takes time. Continue to fight for your recovery and it WILL continue to get better in time.

I am sorry that friends have not been supportive. Unfortunately, many cannot understand an injury that they cannot see. When you look well and speak well, some people just don’t get it. That is frustrating to say the least.

Suggestion above to share TBI Survival guide with family and friends is a good idea. There will be some who still don't get it but others will have the ah, ha moment Mark mentioned. Awareness and education is a good thing to share.

It is my daughter who suffers with PCS. We have felt a lack of kindness, support, and understanding at times from some. Truly does add insult to injury. It can be hurtful although I know it is based on ignorance. I have to believe that one day they will understand. There is no point in dwelling on those that aren't supportive.

On the other hand, others will be very compassionate and understanding. I strongly suggest that you reach out to support groups as others have suggested here. It may help you to speak with others who are or have been in your shoes. You are not alone in this.

You mentioned that your doctor suggested anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety meds but you were reluctant to take them. Honestly, I would listen to your doctor. It may help you significantly and is worth a try. It doesn’t mean it is forever, you are continuing to heal.

Try to focus and think about the positive things going for you and feel encouraged by your progress. You said that you are reading and driving again and that is HUGE progress. Look how far you have come! You will continue to recover and heal in time.

The great thing about joining a support group is that it not only can help you but can help others at the same time. You have a story to tell that may help others.

For example…initially, my daughter had trouble reading and that was absolutely terrifying. We were afraid she would never be able to read again and she was such an avid reader. It would have helped us tremendously to have spoken to someone like you who could say….”I was not able to read either but now I can read and drive, etc”.

Please keep fighting for your recovery. Be patient with yourself. You have been through so much and have come so far. You are healing and you are getting better. :)

mbrook.

I am with you about meds. I am on a SSRI and anti-seizure med. The SSRI has serious side effects. I take it to help with my mind getting stuck in repetitive mundane thoughts, what I call looping.

Anti-depressants are commonly prescribed for PCS. Often by well meaning doctors who are ignorant about PCS.

My SSRI causes postural rigidity (muscle tension) symptoms.

Amitriptyline is commonly prescribed in small doses ( 10 mgs per day) to help with some of the PCS symptoms.

Anti-seizure meds can also be over-prescribed. Have you had seizures that are being treated or are the seizure meds a preventative measure?

It helps with the frustration when the PCS patient takes some control over their treatment. By learning as much as possible, the PCS patient can make decisions about meds and other treatments from a position of knowledge. Just letting the doctors take shots in the dark as they try to treat the PCS can make the situation worse. Very few physicians have any true understanding of PCS. They tend to treat the anxiety and depression symptoms without much, if any consideration for the PCS.

The best physicians will listen to the patient and confirm the symptoms that are from the PCS. The patient often needs to know their symptoms are PCS caused and that they are not 'going crazy.' The TBI Survival Guide helps with this 'am I going crazy" issue.

Try to get to know and understand the new you. Then you can say, "This is just the PCS talking, not my mind going crazy. "

Believe me, we have all been there.

Have you had a neuro-psych assessment? It can help with understanding your symptoms.

Again, let us know about your specific symptoms. Someone will have gone through the same symptoms and learned accommodations or work-arounds for dealing with them.

My best to you.

Dear mbrook,
I too am a teacher with PCS. Today is my first day at HOME school, no commuting, no bells and no children, just me and my home.
Ah darlin', I sooo know how you are feeling. Your world has been turned upside down and you are used to standing on your feet in front of a classroom of exploring eyes.
It's time for yours and my eyes to explore differently.
We are being home schooled......
This forum truly has opened my eyes to see and understand in ways I had not before.
Read and learn
And KNOW you are not alone:hug:
Peace

hi mbrook

I hope you are feeling encouraged with the understanding and support here.

When you first posted in the Sanctuary forum, you touched many hearts, and I know prayers are lifted for you

I posted this on our pets forum, but I wanted to leave it here too, as a reminder to you that there are others who care about you because they know how you are feeling. I hope this brings hope and inspiration to not lose hope

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QK9Xj7eY0UU&sns=fb

Hi, I definitely know Exactly how you feel as I suffered a severe TBI almost 10 years ago. You are early in your recovery and you should look into HBOT(hyperbaric oxygen therapy) to assist in your recovery. Look up Dr. Richard Neubauer- Ocean Hyperbaric Neurologic Center in Lauderdale by the sea, Florida. He is the father of HBOT and its use for neurologic injuries. This treatment helped me the most of everything I did and I did all the conventional treatments and therapies.-I just wish I had known about this treatment option earlier. I too lost eveything including those I thought were friends, but I made some new friends that have really been helpful. Many times I have thought why didn't I just die as it would have been much easier and alot less painful. But I didn't die and I am presently taking each day as it comes(some definitely better than others!). I not only lost my ability to work and be productive(I was an equine veterinarian), but I lost my parents during this time and what my only brother did to me and them makes him lost to me also. The doctors and therapists just kept telling me what I couldn't do and it was all too negative(and I am negative enough!) so I researched and did my own thing. Never supposed to drive I do that now and never to be around horses I have three and a mini mule I take care of and "play" with. I have done some vet consulting for former clients and some new horse folks I met after my accident. Still would like to come up with a way to have an income as I too am barely hanging on financially but I am hanging on! I did try just about everything after my accident to facilitate healing and still it seems there should be someone in the medical community that could offer input into why my plastic brain has not formed new connections to allow my body to function. Both gross and fine motor are severely effected but nothing with memory,emotional or cognitive function. So basically I can't walk(or do so with great difficulty spending alot of time on the ground!) or talk intelligibly(I have dysarthria due to the muscles in my pharaynx not functioning- fyi:100 muscles are responsible for speech!). Hang in there and play it out. Do look up Dr. Neubauer and HBOT.Would enjoy talking to you anytime so ask me anything. Dr. Dianne Peek

Dr peek, Wow, what a story. Sorry for your reason for coming to NT but welcome.

It sounds like you had a very focused injury. Since your memory, cognitive and emotional functions are not damaged but your motor functions are severely damaged, your information processing was spared. Be very thankful. I have many times thought about what I would give up to get my cognitive and memory functions back.

I think I would trade them for a wheel chair. I have a friend who is wheel chair bound from a low lumbar break. She has all of her cognitive, memory and emotional functions. The way she can attack life makes me sort of envious. Nothing stops her. She does not even use an electric chair.

Yes, be very thankful you have your cognitive, memory and emotional functions.

I understand that your motor functions are seriously impaired. I am not making light of that. You have my sympathies.

Regarding plasticity. Many people over-rate neuro-plasticity. It has many limits. The young have a greater ability to rewire their brains that those over 20 to 25 years old. There are over 5000 different classes of neuronal cells. They can attempt to reconnect but do not have much ability to replicate. The stem cell research has shown that the successful stem cell therapies will start with common cells like nerve fibers that transmit nerve signals with those that process signals in the brain a long way off.

Even when nerve cells reconnect, the process is very slow. The axons and dendrites connect using a happenstance system. As an axon grows and comes across a dendrite, it will try to connect to that dendrite. The dendrite will either accept or refuse the connection based on cellular coding. If the connection is refused, the axon will retract and try a different dendrite. One Neuron can have up to 10,000 axons. The complexity of this happenstance binary reconnect system takes a long time.

Those of us with diffuse axonal injuries from concussions, multiple concussions or multiple sub-concussive impacts have millions of these weak connections that get shut down to prevent bad information transmission. This can leave us with weaknesses throughout the brain.

I would wonder if you brain regions have even lost position relative to the other regions they were formerly connected to. This would make reconnections very problematic. Sort of a ' can't get there from here' scenario.

Some brain cells have a sort of linear connection. The sensory processing cells are connected in such a way that if vision cells are not receiving vision input, they relax and get taken over by auditory and tactile inputs and the latter sensory systems gain increased processing power. This is how a blind person can have such highly developed auditory, olfactory and tactile senses. This reassignment can take place within 12 hours of the relaxation event.

Well, enough for now. My brain is getting foggy. When this happens, I tend to find myself rereading the same line over and over again.

My best to you.

Never Give Up
 

I know how you feel wanting everyone to think that you are okay but really being far from it. I've been pretending I'm okay and trying my best to pretend to act as "normal" as possible, but have had to finally come clean and admit that my symptoms are still happening. Most people keep telling me that I must be lying or pretending for the attention. However it feels so much better to finally not be lying about it anymore and asking for help, whether they are willing to help or not. Just breathe and take it a step at a time. I'm "new" to the PCS stuff but that's what's helped me so far. Because your life is not over, and it is worth it. You might not be the same person, but you still are a person with a life, that's not something to waste. I'm also new to this site but I have a feeling this is exactly the place people like you and me need. The people who have been trying to hide the symptoms they have and the way the feel, because if anyone will understand and not think we are crazy are the people who are going through the same things.