My ex-FIL is going to hospice
 

My ex husband is a jerk, plain and simple. He hasnt seen his daddy in 7 years! 7 years ago when momma called to complain that she wasnt feeling well, and wanted her baby boy to visit, he refused her, and she died shortly after. The father has been in the hospital for 2 weeks, and it was determined he has stage 4 cancer and mets to many places. He will be moved to skilled nursing and is feeling upset, and alone, and abandoned by the world. My ex is going to take a flight down on Wednesday to clean out daddy's place, and take his car home with him.

my ex lives in Connecticut and daddy lives in Florida.

I spoke to daddy on the phone, and he is so upset, and tearful that he has given and given and given all of his life, and in the end, he cant even get his only child to come and just visit. It broke my heart. I sent a nice card, and a bouquet of flowers, but its really not my place to step over my ex and his dummy wife to support his dad. I feel cornered, and shackled.

I spoke to his home health care aide, who took the last drop of money from his account to pay for funeral/burial services before sonny boy gets there to take over. (good for her!) and she has been this mans constant and only companion since the wife died 7 years ago.

I need your best advice. Should I just send the card/flowers, and back up? I have spoken to him on the phone. he is very hard of hearing and missed 3/4 of what I said, but I was able to express that I cared, and love him, and am sorry he is not doing well. is that enough? should I avoid the ex drama and simply allow him to do what he needs to do without advice or interference from me? If I call and say "if I can help, let me know." he will ask me for money. If I go down, and sit with this man who once meant so much to me, it will completely exhaust me, and be the same as throwing a wasp nest at the current wife who is unstable in the best of times. DS is going down with his father, and helping him handle the house/car and other stuff, but ex husband has said he must leave by sunday whether the old man is dead or not. he has work, and cant miss it. He has been in the same job for the last 20 plus years and is in NO jeopardy of being fired if he stays with his dad. it will mean no check, but he wont lose his job.

I feel at such a loss. I am danged if I do and danged if I dont. This is one of the sweetest, kindest men I have ever known and he doesnt deserve to be treated this way, but since he is no longer my FIL...get the idea??

What is your advice?

Awww, I'm so sorry Dej. He may no longer be your FIL but he's still your Friend. I think any attention you give to him, will be welcome....by him... and the he!! with the rest of 'em.

So sorry to hear about your problem Dej. But like Sally said he
is your friend.

There is no reason for you not to send him a card and flowers. I am sure
it will make him feel good and it will also help you.


Jappy :hug:

I agree with what's been said, Dej. Too bad if the ex and his wife don't like it. FIL is your friend....and the last time I checked you're allowed to be friends with whomever you wish....whether the ex likes it or not.

I understand your desire to keep the drama to a minimum. I'd just do whatever I could to avoid the two people likely to cause the most trouble and let FIL know you're there for him. I'm so sorry he's suffering and I hope your kindness gives him some peace during this time. :hug:

There may be more to the story than you know but regardless you have every right to send well wishes. He was, afterall, you father-in-law at one time and you loved him. Hate to say it but if something ever happens to Jim, my in-laws can kiss my sunny sided....

after much prayer and reflection, I have decided that a few simple cards, and a bunch of flowers will have to be as far as I go. To step further over that line risks the wrath of the current wife and her redneck, backwater, under educated, know it all, I am better than you, ways. After my ex remarried I used to tell my mother just how odd this woman is, and my mother would tell me I was making stuff up. After she met her, she told me she saw I was being quite kind. She really is an odd duck.

any money I give my ex to help with expenses or travel, or events will quickly be spent on booze.

any attempts at true or in person contact will only be viewed as intrusive, and start war. lets not even mention that I have MS and limited spoons.

Once upon a time when this man was a part of my life, I expressed to him then how wonderful I thought he was. We have exchanged letters twice a year now for about 12 years. he knows how I feel, and i believe he understands that its impossible due to his son, to show up and be supportive. I have listened to him shed many tears over the loss of his son to alcohol. This is a man who sees the best in every one. He has simply run out of nice things to say about his own son.

Thanks for the support. I have chosen to send a simple arrangement of flowers, and a couple of simple cards to his bedside. His home health aide said she would call me when he passes. That is the best I can do, and it will have to be enough. I must not beat myself up over not being able to do more. :(

I think you've made the best decision, Dej. He has heard from you that you care about him; you are reaching out in the healthiest way for you by sending cards/flowers. He will appreciate it.
You need to take care of your health, and the stress of dealing with dysfunction, IMHO, will set your health back.
Send prayers of gratitude for the love this man has shown you, and pray that he will be at peace without feeling more heartbreak at the hands of his offspring.
Just goes to show family isn't always about the blood coursing through our veins...you are his family; bless you for caring:hug:

The flowers arrived, and they are beautiful. The ex husbands wife called to tell me to BACK UP! To stop showing off that I have more money than everyone else. I said "wth are you talking about?!" and she blasted me for sticking my nose in where it doesnt belong. I was told that he is no longer my family and to send such nice things, only proves that the rest of them cant, and makes them look bad, and feel incompetant. To shower him with letters, and gifts only makes them look like poor rednecks who only want to show up and collect his belongings. Im so bad! I said "if the shoe fits" and she got angry and slammed down the phone. Then it was my ex's turn. he called to ask me to stay away from his dad. I was upsetting his wife. I told him that his dad and I have exhanged letters twice a year for the last 12 years, and I wasnt about to stop. I will send as many flowers as I like, and as many "thinking of you" cards as i like, and if he doenst like it, tough!" He tried to convince me that he is only down there to visit with his father, and I said "then why are you packing HIS car with things from HIS house and leaving on SUnday?! if you were there for him, you would go sit with him, talk to him, be with him, and wait for him to pass, not grab all his stuff and run with it!" I got a lecture on what its like to be so poor you cant miss a paycheck. I sniped that if he gave up beer for the week, its the same as a whole paycheck, and he isnt going to make me feel guilty for his bad behavior.

I picked up the phone and ordered fresh flowers for tomorrow! I am not able to be there in person, or I would. its disgusting that they are simply cleaning out his place, packing it all into his car, and leaving him to die alone. I want to smack them!

:hug: Dej :hug:

As hard as it is to watch......you aren't part of the group that's doing the grabbing. Your FIL knows that. And you know it. And you two are the only two people that matter at this point.

I would block any number that the ex or his wife call from. Give the nurse a cell number where she can reach you when he passes.

Just like you're doing now, I'd send as many cards and flowers and tokens of my affection as I could afford to send. Who cares what anyone else thinks. Really......I wouldn't give those two a second thought. What a sad existence they must have to be so shallow and petty. It just amazes me how miserable grown ups can be to each other.

They will have to answer for their actions one day. We all will......and I would not want to be in their shoes on Judgment Day.

You're a good soul. :hug:

Glad you stood up for yourself, Dej...you have EVERY right to do what you want to in regards to your FIL...no matter who feels guilty. I'm glad you didn't let them talk you out of it...YOU GO, GIRL!:D

on FILs instructions the nurse took the very last of his money and paid for his funeral services, including the church and a small reception afterwards. she took his account down to $22. my Ex got wind of it, and called to cuss her out. she blazed him. Told him how disgusting she thought his behavior was, and that his father is still ALIVE, and can spend his money anyway he wants. This is his fathers dying wish that his friends be allowed a service for him. the Ex is demanding that he has an insurance policy for that, put the money back. FIL said he knows of no such policy and his son is a liar. spend it all before he leaves here. HAHAHA! Go dad!

i was thrilled to learn he has many visitors. Church folks, neighbors, community center folks, and the senior center folks. he was well loved by his friends, and community and they are rallying around him. I feel better knowing he wont be alone when he goes. he recieved communion today and has constant old ladies cooing over him. Pleased me to bits.

I am also thrilled that sonny boy will show up to an empty plate. He was expecting to empty the accounts, and use the money to help himself out of a hole. Dad just gave a handful to the church, the humane society, the local pound, his nurse who has adopted his dog, the senior center...you get the idea. There is $22 left in the account, dad said "let him have it." so...karma will bite you in the end.

TY all for being so helpful while I struggled with leaving him. :grouphug:

HaHa, I love this guy. Bless him, I hope he has a peaceful passing.

Go Dad!! Bless his heart......I'm so glad to hear he's done this. And that he still has his sense of humor. Your ex got what he deserves. :icon_twisted:

I sent more flowers, AND I sent flowers to the nurses station with a box of chocolates to say thank you for caring for him. I received a quilt from his mother when I was married to my ex as a present. i boxed it up, and sent it to the hospice to lay on his bed to cuddle with. They have clear instructions that NO ONE gets that blanket back but me. I have provided a return lable prepaid to simply put it back in the box and return it to me. I overnighted it to him, and he wept like a child when he saw his moms old quilt. I was thrilled to be able to provide it for him. My ex is furious that I still have that blanket, and thinks he can claim it as his own. The nurse stood up to him, and explained that theft of property will be met with arrests. HA!

exFIL has a strong church family, and community rallying around him, and they are not bending for this mans alcoholic son. Im sorry, I know I shouldnt be, but I am secretly thrilled that sonny boy cant just waltz in, strip the old man, and leave. OH btw, that trailor that sonny thinks he is going to strip and rent? HA! the old mans dog was incontinent, and the house is ripe with urine soaked carpets, because for the last month the dog wasnt let out in time. All those antiques of days gone by were pawned, or hocked to pay for medical servies needed during this last year. There is nothing left but a busted trailor full of salvation army style goods. HA! it will take a boat load of money to bring it up to code to be able to rent it. The owner of the park has tacked a note on the door for a 30 to fix or vacate notice. Dad squeezed every bit of living out of that place, and to bring it back is a major undertaking. When friends offered to help FIL fix it, he refused, saying "my drunk son is only going to show up and wreck it. dont bother." I am so proud of him!

Please help me pray for a peaceful passing for one of the sweetest men I have ever met. he deserves to be met in style at the rainbow bridge with the tons of animals he loved and rescued thru the years. :cool:

What a wonderful legacy he is leaving...he will live on in the memory of all who loved him...and I am SO glad to see karma is still at work in the universe;)
Bless you for sending him the blanket...you are so thoughtful:hug:

He got to speak to his son/grandson yesterday and spoke what was in his heart. a few hours later, he passed away. He was heavily medicated due to pain, which was still not well controlled. He didnt linger though, he moved right along after getting a chance at a heart to heart with his son.


Thanks for the prayers. he is now playing on the rainbow bridge with all of his lost doggies.

I'm so glad he got the chance to do and say what he wanted to before moving on. And I'm glad you got to speak to him again, too. I know that meant alot to the both of you. Now....he's free from pain and worry. God bless him.

May he rest in peace now, and may you find peace in it, as well.:hug:

He is at peace now. No more pain no more worries.

I am sure he was greeted at the Golden Gates with many of the
furry friends.


Jappy :hug:

He is out of pain now. Take comfort in knowing you did what you could for this kind man in spite of the ex's feelings. Like you said, Karma has bitten him in the butt. It is nice that he got to tell his son his feelings before he left this world. Take care. Thinking of you. Shirley

the ex and my DS are leaving Florida. My son called me last night clearly frustrated and angry. I asked what was going on. He said "I AM OUT OF HERE!" I had him slow down and talk to me. I guess his dad has been in search of or clinging to a bottle since they got there. DS is angry that he was not at grandpa's side when he passed, because dad wanted to go to a liquor store. Now during the clean up of the trailor the ex is wandering from room to room clinging to his bottle saying "i dont know what to do. what am I going to do. i just dont know what to do." so, my DS who has been doing all the work told him to just close the door, get in the car, and lets go home. he said he didnt realize how irritating drunks are, and swore to never drink again.

the home is unrentable. not only due to its condition, but the fact that the park has no less than 20 homes for sale/rent in the park and 99% of them are in good shape, clean, bright and in good repair. No one is even looking at them,even tho some are 5k or less in price or best offer. The park rental is $200 a month for parking, and then you have util and such. There is a mortgage on the place because FIL took out a loan to bail out drunk son. There is NO way he will be able to afford the park rent, let alone the $500 mortgage, or the util to keep the place running. My DS is right when he said "what does it matter, the bank is gonna own this place soon anyway" he packed anything sentimental into the car, called good will who came and cleared out all the clothes, extra furniture, and do dads, and then they held a penny yard sale. I am so proud of my DS for being such a man thru this, when his father just showed himself to be useless.

In true ex fashion 90% of the stuff is left undone, the bank accounts are not closed, the bills are not paid, the utilities are still on, the car was not repaired, and now they are limping their way home with him clinging to his bottle while someone else drives. Nice dad huh?

Amen. A picture is worth a thousand words.....and your DS will remember this picture the rest of his life. If he just heard it from you or someone else it wouldn't have the impact. I'm sorry he's having to put up with his Dad's bad behavior but maybe it will help him (DS) become a better man. It's obviously too late for the ex. :rolleyes:

I was thinking the exact same thing. All of DSs life I have shielded him from dealing with exhubbys antics and actions, or lack of actions. I covered for him, and lied to my kids to prevent them from knowing that daddy wanted the bottle more than he wanted to take them to the movies. DS had no clue just how useless, mean and sick this man is, until this trip. At 27 I think I did pretty good to keep him from seeing this till he was of an age to understand it.

From my lips to Gods ear, may this picture stay with my DS so he will avoid that bottle. My dad had alcohol issues, and so does his dad. its thick on both sides of the fence, and I have warned him for years that he has no business with a drink. I think he understands now.

I'm sorry for the loss of your good friend. I know you will greatly miss your letters from him. :hug:

Just saw the post that your dear FIL passed...I am so glad he passed the way he wanted to.
Your ex has blessed your DS with the true picture of how low one can go...may your son understand and allow this to become part of his wisdom. :hug:

No ideas for you kid, I like my FIL too, and he is on his death bed, but I told him when I booted his daughter I won`t come near the rest of his family. He understood.

DS is back home, and I got to see him last night. He is going to be moving to my state, and is currently looking for work here. He spoke of how angry he is. When all the insurance money comes in his dad is going to keep it. Even tho the letters left to my DS show grandpa wanted him to have some money. ex hubby said its not proof of anything other than an old man who had no clue what he had, nor how to use it. He is going to fix up the trailer, and use it as a vacation spot for all. Its an over 55 park, and ex hubby isnt old enough to live in the park, let alone DS who is under 30! The park will not allow it. ex cant afford the taxes on his current place, and hasnt paid his own mortgage in 2 years! let alone taxes on this place, with park rental, and upkeep, and so on. My DS is right when he said it wont take long for the park to call the tow truck to drag the home out of there, and allow the family to fight with the reclaimation folks about releasing their property to an under 55 park. He wont be able to pay the fines. DS wants to pop a quick sale price on the place, be done with it, split the money and move on with his life. as usual ex is going to mess it up.

DS said after dealing with this nut job screaming at him the whole ride home about which lane to be in, what exit he wants, and constant updates about what every other car was doing on the road, he was ready to pitch his drunken fanny out of the car. He dropped off dad at home and told him to get as far away from him as possible. He is feeling quite used, and taken advantage of. What a horrible lesson to have to learn. Just bruised the kid thoroughly.

Awww, Dej:hug::hug:for DS...
It is so difficult when our parents show us their VERY human tendencies...just let your son know that he is precious in YOUR life and you feel blessed by his presence...and that you are sorry that his dad can't be what he needs in a father...and then let it go...