Sometimes I'm just sick of myself.
 

I don't mean "sick of it all" in the sense of being suicidal, but in spite of totally knowing it's not true, I want to look in the mirror and say "you suck."

I understand too. I used to be so proud of myself and my career. Sometimes I just feel like I don't know myself anymore thanks to MS. Not saying that you have that thought also though. Hang in there,B2Y, you're a blessing to me! :hug:

You too, huh???:D

"I used to.." comes out of my mouth too often. My life is clearly defined as Before and After MS.

Same thing Kicker said. Everything to me now is b4 and after! Some days I just hate the new "me"

Another person heard from -- I want my old life back!!! I've turned into someone I don't like -- my ears are "shocked" by the language sometimes. Like B2U said, "I'm not suicidal", but it's so darn frustrating trying to do anything. Stiff, spasms, pain, fatigue.....it's getting more difficult keeping up appearances and just want to lie down and let somebody else take care of me. The thought of living this way, or worse, for the rest of my life, is sooo depressing. Lately, in this beautiful fall season, all I'd really like to do is take a WALK down a dirt road here in the mountains.....so many memories.....too many times crying/screaming. The enjoyment of life is gone which is really sad.:(

Sorry to be so depressing, but that's the way it is after all these years.

There are a lot of things I miss about the "pre-MS" me. I don't know what I miss more......actually doing the things I used to do but cannot anymore or just being able to choose to do (or not do) the things I used to. Did that make sense? :confused:

I'm right there with you. I just had this conversation with my husband. I'm sick of not keeping up. I often say "I suck". Just like the FB discussion about wanting to want to. When you get to the point where you don't even have the ambition to want to do things, well, it sucks!

They say that is a sign of depression, but I beg to differ. I think it is a sign of fatigue! Just thinking about doing some things makes me tired. So, I suck! I have friends who don't get it. They think I should want to come home from work and go out. I want to want to do that, but I don't. I want to cuddle up with my family and do nothing!

I actually got into an argument with a friend because she takes it personally. I finally just said to her that I don't blame her for being mad at me because I don't even like being with me anymore! I just got tired of hearing all the things I don't do anymore.

Why can't people understand that we would gladly be the people we used to be if we only could??

There, you said it, Holly. Word for word. Yes.

In fact, I woke up thinking "I can't keep up. I just can't keep up." So it startled me when I came here and started reading your post.

And to add insult to injury, I SEEM to be surrounded by people worse off than I am who keep smiling bravely (though obviously suffering) and say "Oh, I'm not going to let this incredibly painful terminal illness get me down, I'm just going to put on these dark glass, work through the pain, and keep plugging just as long as the Lord lets me."

Then they bravely do the things that I can't do, used to do, and want to WANT to do. I know it's my own attitude problem--those people aren't doing anything to me, I'm doing it to myself. I KNOW that God has blessed my life in many ways, and I am so grateful. But I'll tell you what. Not keeping up gets old sometimes.

So now I not only can't keep up, I feel like a faithless whining loser to boot. "Feel like", I said. There. Wah wah wah, poor me.

I've been around people like that, too, B2Y. They can make you feel totally inadequate. But........I bet they don't feel like that all the time. I know it doesn't help much when the only time we come into contact with them is during one of their "nothing can stop me" days. We all have those and want to do as much as we can while we feel up to doing it. But I'd bet that they have just as many "wah wah" days as we do. ;) Guess it's a good thing we're not all on the same cycle of energy......:p

My BIL, very religious and church involved, told me about how cheerful and great the guy in a chair at his church is. My response was "Bet you're not there when he cries."

That was great, Kicker..:hug:

I hear you ALL on this one!

I'm one of "those" people, who just keeps plugging along and refuses to admit I have any problems. It may look like I am ok but it's all a front so don't hate me because I SUCK!

I think in my case I am just afraid if I admit that I hurt, that I am stiff, that the spasms are making me angry at everything today, that I MISS ME! I might just snap.

Everything is harder to do, and there's no one gonna pick up the freakin' slack and I have to do what needs to be done or else. I HAVE to work or I don't have meds. I have to pay the bills or they don't get paid. I have to shop, schedule maintenance on the vehicles, clean the house, deal with other family members' medical problems, reassure everyone else that it will be ok and then try to make sure it is. I'm sick of it becaue I used to be able to do it without even thinking of it and now everything is a freaking CHORE that saps my energy and makes me want to sit down and bawl.

I'd be ok today if I could afford to have someone to come in and clean my house before the hordes of relatives descend on me this week. I have to work until Wednesday a.m. and have exactly 28 hours until it all has to be done after I get OUT of work!

I hear you, Riv, and you're not one of "those" people that I feel surrounded (suffocated?) by. I totally admire you for sucking it up and taking care of business, getting it done even when you can't. Totally.

I guess I'm talking about the people (no MSrs on the list, so far) that have a martyrly aura around them. Some of them are for real, some are just painting in on, but sometimes it makes me want to crawl under my bed and sulk.

Sincere peeps like you, River are nevah, I say nevah, included in our rant about peeps with the martyr syndrum.:rolleyes::rolleyes:

You are one of my heros and don't you forget it. That is you and you are trying to stay you.:hug: I did it all through the 70s and 80s...supermom and all that. Now I'm too lazy to push myself and frankly "my dear, I don't give a damn".:D

I am really struggling with the change in weather and in church 4 different women came up and were surprised to see me wobbly and off balance. They told me they have all admired how put together I am, even in the face of MS, and to see me tipsy was shocking to them. I told them that I cant be wonder woman EVERY day. :(

This is my situation exactly! That is why there is nothing left over. I'm the mom / wife / daughter-in-law who always did everything for everyone and now it's too freakin' much.

I never say "I suck". I say "this sucks"
I'm going to sound kind of like a Pollyanna here, but here goes...

I am not MS. I do what I can when I can. I've had fibromyalgia for almost 30 years now, so I've been dealing with pain and fatigue most of my adult life. I'm not bragging, or patting myself on the back. I've just been dealing with this type of crap for years, and I used to push through and just do it, pain/fatigue or no.
MS is stronger though, so I do notice that it gets difficult to push through. I am doing quite a bit of work in therapy and in daily reading to strengthen living in this moment and letting go of the past AND future and dealing with right here right now. This is the only moment I have...and I choose how I will deal and react to things now.
I am a reactive personality...which kind of ramps up the sxs when I get stressed. But if I continue to think of what I used to be able to do, the anger and resentment builds and saps me...
so I just think of what I need to do now. I thank The Heavens every morning for a new opportunity to live another day, no matter how crappy I feel. And at night, I thank the Heavens once again for the day.
It takes a lot of work to think this way...therapy has helped tremendously, as well as the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.

Yes I do cry, vent, get frustrated, and occasionally wish I could walk, talk and think like a healthy person. But I've been given a bushelfull of lemons, and by God we're going to make a lot of lemonade and drink like there's no tomorrow.

Now check in with me tomorrow to see if I feel the same way...probably not:rolleyes:;)

I hate lemonade.:D:):D

Yup. Some days I'm Pollyanna, and some days I'm her evil step-sister.

I like to add plenty of rum to the lemonade...goes down so much smoootthhherrrr...;)