How I am doing
 

I thought I'd start a new thread because I'm not quitting smoking now.

I went on a little day trip with my sister, aunt, cousin, nephew, and my sister's MIL to observe my deceased mother's birthday.

Not 10 minutes down the road, my cousin started a bunch of drama. I had an anxiety attack. I popped a xanax which helped. However, the best relief was my 3 yo. nephew. I got to sit next to him. I focused all my attention on him and everything else faded into the background.

I crashed when I got home.

I'm still having s/s thoughts, but I'm mainly flat with periods of high anxiety.
I thought I'd be in the psych ward by now, so I guess things are going better than expected.

-Kay

That is great to hear you are doing better. Just hearing you were able to focus on your nephew and enjoy his company is awesome. Little kids can help remove all the drama and crap going on in ones family life. Oh do I know all about that!!:wink:

You are a great person- a wonderful person... Look at how you made a big difference in your nephews life. It is obvious how much he adores you. :)

Hang in there!!! :hug:

Lots of hugs and hope!!!

Coffeegirl

-Kay[/QUOTE]
Dear Kay,
I'm sorry you are in difficulty.
If you need to go the the hospital, go. They might not even take you. Sometimes they evaluate in the ER and send you home, but you can be seen by a pdoc.
It's a good idea to use all the tools available to you.


I've used Xanax when I had to deal with family. It does the job.

M.

i am glad you are taking the pressure of not smoking away from you now.
thank goodness for little boys. there is hope and i think because you were wise enough to concentrate on him, you will see yourself out of this agony

take care
bobby

hi kay,
you lived thru and that anniversary is done with.
I am sure that is a relief.
It was a brilliant move on your part to focus on the child....
YOu were in close quarters no wonder you had a panic attack, xanax is good for those occasions, maybe IF you go next year you can drive seperately?
Weren't you manic when you first started posting?
if you don't mind sharing what your meds are now...
when do you see someone again?
tdoc pdoc?
bizi

Just wanted to say hi kay,
hope you are doing alright.
((((HUGS)))
bizi

Dear Kay

once again i am reminded of Mari's telling us of her therapist saying to stay in the present. which is what you did.

and i couldn't help thinking you picked a "natural" guide" for this.

young children don't know how not to stay in the present. mommy not here = bad. mommy here = good. no difference between mommy gone long time or short time.... both = mommy not here = bad. this starts to "improve" dramatically after identity formation... but what is improving is the child's ability to relate to our concepts of temporal continuity and causality. and the more they do so, the more they lose spontaneity.....

i am glad you were able to lose yourself in your nephew's spontaneity and "presence."

~ waves ~ probably being too philosophical as usual

Thinking of you Kay!!

Hugs.... Take care!!

Coffeegirl

Thank you again :grouphug:

I'm doing a bit better- less flat, but still anxious with periods of s/s thoughts.
I'm so glad that my little nephew was there! We're not expecting a return visit for next year. We just went because it was my mother's would-be 60th and a store's grand opening.

Surprisingly, holidays are usually very relaxed. My cousin is going to be 18- she's usually pretty quiet and in good behavior during dinner. Then she throws a fit and hides when my aunt tells her she can't leave and see her friends.

Mari,
I was forced to go to the ER before by my former pdoc (the witch) after she increased effexor, leading to mania.
They discharged me with the recommendation that I seek another MH opinion.
I wouldn't hesitate to go to the ER if needed.


Bizi,
Yes, I was manic when I started posting. I've been dealing mostly with mania and periods of normal mood with anxiety (I guess that never goes away).
I wanted my effexor decreased because of this, but my current pdoc held off last month because of the possibility of mood change d/t the change of seasons....
Here's a list of my current MH meds/dosages:

Lamictal 150mg daily
Effexor 150mg am, 75mg pm
Xanax 0.5mg 3Xdaily, PRN
Trazodone 100mg at bedtime, for sleep

I take 6 other meds. not including vits/mins and OTCs for constipation.

I see my psychologist the 25th, and the pdoc on the 26th.

Kay

Dear Kay,
Thanks for telling me that you are comfortable about going to the ER when you need to go.

I hope today goes well for you.

I'm doing one day at a time right now.

M.

kay thank you for posting.
What took the mania away?
bizi

Mari,
I agree- and am trying to live in the present as well.

"Inch by inch, life's a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard."
-Anette Funicello, describing how she deals with MS

Bizi,
My memory is pretty poor, but I'm pretty sure it was a combination of starting lamictal, reducing effexor, and time.

It wasn't the first time I experienced mania while seeing the former pdoc. My psychologist wrote in the notes that my symptom history seemed to point to BP, but the x-pdoc seemed to think it was only anxiety? There were suicidal thoughts and symptoms of mania already, but she still increased the effexor, and never added anything for anxiety?

My meds were redundant at that time: effexor AND zoloft AND buspar.

Dear Kay,
That was an amazing mix of meds! :eek:
I am speachless.
WOW.

M.

Kay

I enjoy reading your writings. I think you will do well.

Sending you lots of hugs and things.

Donna:grouphug:

Thinking of you Kay.. You have been in my thoughts often. Hope you do well with the new med mix. Please take care!!

:hug:

Coffeegirl

Thank you all! :grouphug:

I'm definitely still depressed, but the s/s thoughts are on the downswing. :)
It's hard to get me going to do anything and pain hasn't helped.
I feel like a scumbag because I can't keep up with the laundry, cleaning, and (especially) the dishes. It's important to do all that regularly because of physical and energy restrictions.

I did do some sedentary work, though.
I'm eligible for medicare in February (through SSDI), and I was hoping to find an option to decrease my health care costs....
Such a headache, so much time, and no such luck.

Mari, it was quite the drug cocktail, wasn't it? Not only did it not make any sense, it didn't help either.

:grouphug:
Kay

don't beat yourself up!!!!!!!!that is lesson number one two and three.
glad about medicare. that is what i am on. I joined an advantage hmo whose premiums are low to give me more coverage. glad that the ss ideation is lessening...it is such a bummer.............I have been listening to religious lectures on the net and while i listen to them i get some relief and some hope which quickly dissipates but still.
don't beat yourself up!
bobby

I know I shouldn't beat myself up, and give that advice to others, but it seems easier said than done.
I'm making short lists and am trying to chip away at the household stuff. The lists may look short, but I'm carrying stuff over from one day to the next.

Right now, it doesn't look like any of the medicare options will help me save any cash. It's all my prescriptions and the coverage gap. I haven't made a solid decision yet, tho.
I'm trying to find out what kind of changes in costs and benefits my husband's company will make to medical insurance in 2011 before I decide.

Thanks Bobby!
Kay

yup yup yup! that's my problem

basically just wanted to pop in and say hi and let you know i'm thinking of you.... wishing you well. glad to hear you are pulling through the rough spot you went through recently.

i hate how in our world our heathcare is all tied up in the economy and specifically what "caste" (i did not pick that word at random either) we happen to be in....

sending you some hugs Kay :hug::hug::hug: you're a great gal. i enjoy having you around here. :)

~ waves ~

!!!!!!
 

I've been trying to roll with the punches, but I guess there have been too many punches lately...

1st: I went to fill my prescription for lyrica (for neurological pain) and couldn't because my insurance wanted ANOTHER prior authorization. So, I was off this med for several days... my doctor's office sent in the request immediately, but the insurance dragged it's feet resulting in:
- a withdrawl from it including sleeplessness, restlessness, nausea and dizziness
- a painful reminder of why I need this med in the first place- PAIN that's of neurological origin, but different kinds
- another painful reminder of how my MS has progressed as far as the above pain

2nd: I went to Panera for lunch with my best friend. When I went to fill my fountain soda, an employee who was mopping, mopped me into a very small area. I panicked because I'm SO afraid of falling. Also, I couldn't even lift my "eat-in" tray and had to have my BFF wait on me again. I was sorry I even went out.

3rd (THE WORST, and EMBARRASSING for me): I haven't been checking the mail very regularly, but went to the box this evening. I recently had a pap smear and got a letter that I had abnormal results that require a colopscopy. In over 10 years I have never had an abnormal result, and I get tested every year.

Just to let you guys know, my mom had cervical --->uterine cancer before she died of lung cancer (she also had squamous cell carcinoma). I smoke, too, as most of you already know.

I know that most cervical cancer is caused by HPV. I can't help feeling like I have some kind of -please excuse my expression- crotch rot. I know this is irrational because HPV is very common & I have never seen any symptoms (not that all people do). Also, women with HPV who smoke are at increased risk for cervical cancer.

I've had problems with heavy bleeding and clotting for a while (I have no concept of time & don't know how long), and I don't handle estrogen-based birth control well. At the beginning of the year, I had a progesterone-only birthcontrol implant put in. I had some spotting at first, then several months period free, some spotting again, then a month-long period, and now I am bleeding heavily again 2 weeks later.

I have to call to schedule that coloposcopy tomorrow. I want to know what I'm dealing with, like immediately. I'm hoping that someone can explain the type of my abnormal result to me over the phone. I deal much better with things if I have facts and can adapt ASAP to the situation.

I can't even hope for a good result from the testing- I'm not lucky & I already have multiple medical problems. MS-wise, I was disabled by age 28, and my prognosis isn't good.
Hope, a positive attitude, etc. can't change whatever's going on in my vadge already. Also, I don't think I'm in any mood to be a cheerleader lately.

Pleasant or not, I laid this all out plainly. This is just how I'm feeling. I'm okay right now, but I think #3 may put me over the edge.
I was supposed to see my psychologist tomorrow, but her office called to cancel yesterday. The timing couldn't be worse. I'm call there tomorrow and tell them I need to see her ASAP. I have a pdoc appt. this week, too.

Waves, I think you're pretty great, too. Thanks for checking in.
In fact, I think you're all pretty great. I really get a lot out of reading and posting here.

Kay

oh kay,
You poor dear.
You have so much on your plate right now...
I am very sorry that you are having to go thru this.
yes tomorrow schedule the coloscopy, Ihad the cyro freezing and it was not that bad, i think they will do that at the same time if they need to....I had mild dysplasia. that was some 30 years ago.
I hope you can sleep tonight and will be thinking of you tomorrow.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Pam,
 

You are going through a trying time. It's hard to roll the punches, but do your best to to keep the rolling as a goal. If you cannot achieve that for a whole day, try for a few moments at time: roll when you can and to the degree that you can.

I hope that you can schedule the procedure soon. While you wait for the appt and results, keep in mind as best as you can that most abnormal smears are not the result of something serious. You know that in your head. Try to know it in your heart as well while you trust the docs to get to the truth for you.

If you can't cheerlead for yourself, continue to take one minute at time. You don't need to think about the future. You only have to go through the motions of day to day, minute by minute for now. Concentrate on keeping yourself together. :hug: :hug: :hug:
I'm pulling for you.

M.

i am rooting for you....with all that is going on, you are holding up so well...it is amazing...now is the time to think only of your own needs.
you need a big break
bobby

Thank you Bizi, Mari, and Bobby. All good advice! :grouphug:

I can't get in for the colposcopy until November 19th- they may do a biopsy then, but won't do anything else until they know what's going on.

A nurse did call me back with more info on my pap results. The abnormal cells were "lower-grade" and in the inter-epithelial region (LGSIL). The recent HPV results aren't back yet, but it seems like all such cases are accompanied by positive HPV results.
Thank you for letting me know about your experience Bizi- it helped.

I feel a little better with more info, but I was pretty off the wall last night.
I had several beers and an extra xanax before I calmed down.

Maybe I've had HPV all along, but it was never caught. And maybe it's only an issue now because I'm taking tysabri for my MS- it's an immunosupressant.

I may SOUND pretty together, but I can edit all this before I post. I'm up and down, and usually only post when I'm calmer, can focus, and have enough motivation.
I rely heavily on logic and analysis to cope with things so that I feel like I have some level of control. It works to some degree.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow at 2, and see my pdoc Wednesday. I'm hoping the therapy will help me think and talk through all this. Also hoping that doesn't trigger something.

Damn I wish I had gotten another "all's clear" card in the mail! I'm trying to "oh well" it for now.

Thanks again,
Kay

Dear Kay

sorry to hear you have yet another big hurdle being thrown at you...

you've said the majority of cases... but i'm still hoping for good news, until we get the definite results. :o i'm allowed, right?

i would be a wreck.

(ok, i am a wreck but that is a totally separate issue.)

i know what you mean about logic and editing posts and sounding together.

sometimes i feel like i'm held together by spit and bailing wire though... :o

i have been trying to do nurturing things for myself. some things i do are
-- wholesome/easy food
-- soft clothing, pillows, clinging to comfy squooshy things.
-- hot or warm drinks (honey lemon tea, or herbal infusions)

i wonder if you can try that too. treat yourself as though you were one of your patients. i know you can't do that all the time, but make nursing gestures towards yourself. you have a gift... and you also have a patient who could really use that gift.

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

I agree with waves.:I-Agree:
slow down and nurture yourself.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thanks Waves and Bizi.

I did a lot of internet research on the pap stuff. They can't be sure what's really go in and do that colposcopy next month and the results come back.
No word on the HPV results yet.

I am SO tired of all this medical BS!!!
The MS and all its issues, neck problems (fusion in 2008, another disc still out), gallbladder out last year... all the pain, the fevers, the MH problems, recent pneumonia and cellulitis of the face... and now this...
I can't help feeling damaged.

I'm trying to distract myself though. And I got another ear piercing, 4 in each ear now- still room for more! :D

I haven't really had a chance to pamper myself-
my husband hurt his back on Sunday AND he's on vacation this week. He refuses to go to the doctor & wants to buy an inversion table instead. More cooking, running the dishwasher daily, etc. He's on the couch most of the time & has been bitchy. I've been out & taking my time the last 2 days. I'll probably be taking my heating pad to bed soon.

My psychologist's office called again to cancel another appointment. She's on sick leave. I'll reschedule tomorrow when I go see the pdoc.

Kay

Dear Kay,


That is disappointing when the tdoc cancels.

Sorry about your husband. Men seem to need lots of attention when they are hurting.
I think that they handle things differently.

I'm hoping you get the results after that procedures.
In the meantime, find something else to think about -- if you can :hug: :hug: :hug:



M.

Dear Kay

i am really sorry you are dealing with so much.

i hope you do find a way to slow down.

congratulations on the piercing! ;) hey, it may be "about" control but sheez... the rest of your life doesn't give you much room for it... we all need some control!!! ... no reason not to have some through body art. enjoy creating new earring combinations.

take care. i hope hubby feels better soon and can stop being bitchy and be more able to help around the house. no doc, but an inversion table eh??? hmmm. do you figure, are all men doctors, or just your hubby and my dad?

have a chuckle: my dad sneezes a few times = he starts panicking saying he has "a cold" and wants a claritin :rolleyes:... which "fixes" his "cold" within FIVE MINUTES.... yah, like the pill's not even fully dissolved. :rolleyes: his latest gigs have been Vicks vaporub (i won't scare you with his adopted use of it) and acetaminophen (which, since we told him he isn't allowed antihistamines, he has decided also fixes his flash "colds" in the same flash time :rolleyes:). when we try to explain what the meds do and that there is no bearing on his symptoms... he retorts that meds work differently for everyone and he is his own best doctor. i wonder if they sell sugar pills made up to look like drugs... can't get him off of the Vicks though... sheez.

~ waves ~

Waves, it seems like your dad is the poster board for the placebo effect!
As long as he's not over-doing it, I'd leave it alone unless you just want to tease him :)

Speaking of our honorary medical doctors... my husband has his inversion table. Wouldn't you know it, after using it once, his back feels 100% better! ;)

My pdoc increased my lamictal from 150 to 200mg, and I can take 4/ 0.5mg xanax instead of just 3. I'm glad she didn't increase the effexor. I've been pretty unbalanced, so I think increasing the lamictal was a good idea.

She also gave me a workbook on dialectual (?) therapy to help me with impulse control. I'll let you know how that works out.

I've done a lot of walking in the last few days, so I'm in more pain than usual & am looking forward to sleeping in and staying home tomorrow!

Kay

kay the reccomended starting dose after slow titration up is 200mg...I have heard of people taking 450mg so you have a lot of room to go up if you need it.....usually for depression.
Are you still activated? what do you mean when you say unstable?
agitated?impulsive?depressed?
take care of yourself....
bizi

Bizi,
I'm VERY impulsive!! :(

My pdoc began questioning me about impulsivity after I told her about my recent depression and s/s thoughts.
She asked me about my plan, but I don't devulge that information anymore. I don't want any commentary. She asked if my plan would be final, and I said yes. She agreed when I told her I had the means and know how...
Hence the workbook to help manage the impulsivity.

When I stay "unstable" I mean that I've had quite a few bouts of mania (? if not hypo) in the not so distant past, and now a major depressive episode (not quite as intense now). Several fairly recent intense s/s thoughts- during mania & depression. Some paranoia. Lots of anxiety.
I'm going to end up in the hospital if we can't nip this in the bud.

I'm glad that the lamictal can be raised much higher. So far this new pdoc has been making (what I consider to be) very good decisions.
---
On another note, I've been having more difficulty with my vision... typing reading etc. Expect more typos, and sorry if I misread some things.
I wear glasses all the time. It's about time for my annual vision exam. Last time there was no change to the prescription, but the MS center picked up
difficulty with contrast and focus (different tests).

Thanks,
Kay

WTF- I'm really hot and very sweaty so I just took my temp a few minutes ago and it's 100.5. No other signs of infection. So, they're going higher again... great.

I see my rheumatologist next Tuesday (after I vote, of course). Lets see if this SOB can figure it out. Expect the best, prepare for the worse? I'll try.

Dear Kay,

I hope you feel better.
I hope that rheumie can help you.

M.

Okay I vote for cool days to return.

Donna:grouphug:

Another temp of 100.0- I took it cuz I was hot and sweaty again. Took 2 tylenol and I'm going to take a cool shower soon.

I'm going to call for an optometrist appt. today so I can stop worrying about my vision. I don't want to call the MS ctr. about it because my neuro will want to do another MRI. The optometrist can look at my optic nerve to see if there's any damage.

I'm on the list at the rehab agency for help with the insurance BS. I hope I get in soon.

On a happy note, my husband got a big fat paycheck today so I'll have less anxiety over $$$. :):):) The 1st 2 weeks of the month are the hardest.

Thanks for the good vibes :grouphug:

Kay

Kay, are your increased temps from your MS? I know that there can be unusual symptoms...just wondering?
bizi

yuck sorry about the temps again Kay :( how uncomfortable.

hugs

waves

Kay

I can't remember? But how long have you been on lamictal?

Weird question maybe. But just wondering.

Donna:grouphug:

Thanks guys :grouphug:

Bizi,
I've asked my MS neuro and her RNs if these temp fluctuations could be paroxysmal symptoms of MS... I was told that while feelings of heat and excessive sweating can be d/t MS, increased core temps are not.

They seem less concerned with my temps (they usually do not exceed 101) than my PCP is. As far as the joint pain, lots of things have been ruled out. Side effects of my Tysabri treatment can be fever,infection,althralgia (joint pain). It was initally thought that was the cause but the severity,duration, and extent has made everyone think otherwise.
----
I'm so morbid lately. Really dwelling on the abnormal pap, along with everything else. I can't wait until I have the resulys from my November 19th colposcopy.

My husband has been more supportive lately, but he's been lax during his vacation. Glued to the couch.
I asked him to come with me on a couple of errands... if he wasn't bitching at me, he was yelling, rushing me, or making faces. When we came home, I told him that I asked him for company- not bad company. From here on out, I'd rather do the shooping solo & he can bring it all in (the usual routine).

He knows I'm slow- I walk slow, it's very hard for me to make decisions, etc. It's been taking me increasingly more time to do everything.
---
I just really have way too much hanging over my head right now. I'm not crying, but then again, It's not something that comes naturally to me.

The s/s thoughts are creeping back.
I guess I'm paranoid... In our apt. complex we have a rent-a-cop who patrols the grounds. I was already uneasy because he was repeatedly stopped in the middle of the street parallel to our apt.for long periods of time over several weeks.
For 2 days in a row he parked facing our apt. in his own private vehicle prior to his shift. Our building is not in the middle of the complex. My husband tells me I'm paranoid. Maybe I am, but I am visibly vulnerable and home alone most of the time. At least I don't have a regular schedule.
---
I'm hoping my 5omg of lamictal starts helping soon.
I'm really not well.
I am okay right now, and will not hesitate to go to the ER before things get hairy.

K