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Pity Party.....table for 1
I should preface this by saying that I do know I have a lot to be grateful for. While my pain control isn't where I'd like it to be, it's soooooo much better than it was a few years ago. And I have a big vacation coming up ! I leave for a week in Key West for a parrothead convention on Monday.....Woo Hoo !
My vacation plans are part of the problem. I'm trying to get the house a little picked up so my 'babysitters' for my 14 and 16 yo old boys won't be totally disgusted. While my house is not quite bad enough for an episode of 'Hoarders' we could definitely star in an episode of 'Clean House' Trying to engage my kids to help is like pulling teeth. I ask them to take some of their stuff to their room and they pick it up only to dump it the next room over......out of my sight temporarily. If I could easily move around from room to room to follow them, I could have done the job myself ! Now some of the mess is mine.....and I have been trying hard to work on that, but my efforts have been hampered. My husband already left for the trip. He went a week early to go fishing. Not that he would do any of the cleaning, but normally he would be the one going to the grocery store, cooking dinner, and driving the kids to all of their activities. Monday I spent the whole day driving around. My 14 yo's friend's father passed away, so I got him dismissed from school, took him to the funeral mass, then the burial, then the 'post party' I had an hour to collapse at home then off to bring the 16yo to guitar lessons......all the while not able to take pain meds because I was driving, causing a massive flare. Tuesday night spent an hour waiting for the 14 yo after football practice, only to eventually find out he got a ride home from someone else. Tonight it was trying to get the 16yo to unpack the dishwasher, so it could be loaded again to clear some room so I could make dinner when I got home from the football pickup, only to have it still not done when I got home.......and both of the bitching because dinner was so late. After dinner, when I asked for some help picking up, my 16yo INFORMED me that "this you being sick thing is really getting old. It was okay in the beginning, but we are sick of doing crap for you that mother's are supposed to be able to do......we are not your servants." |
Hey. I am sorry for the stresses you have on top of the pain. I hope the trip to the keys is good. I am not a parent but to all those who are while dealing with RSD I give you so much credit. I can't even imagine how hard that is. A few thoughts one I am sorry your children are trying to make you feel guilty. Obviously I am not there but to me regardless of RSD or not kids should have certain chores and responsiblities. Could you and your kids sit down and have a family chat? I think communication is so key and also setting out guidelines. When your husband is gone is there a friend or other parents that could help you? Like a carpool? Well wishing you some easier times
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Oh boy Finz... literally!!
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Iam sorry for your fustrations..They are so real..Our kids, mine ... girl-16 and boy-14.. Well, say no more..The best descriptive word is self centerness.... not that one day they won't turn their actions and feelings around ... but right now it is all about them..Do you find they go hot and cold in the receptiveness of your illness..Ours do..some times I could squeeze the dikkens out of them and others..depending on their mood..they are not so squeezeable..thats when I lose it and insist on their help. Nobody..I repeat nobody ... knows what pain and discomfort we deal with daily... every minute of the day...everyday! And I wouldn't want them to... But just toss us a bone and fake it..right?? Mostly, I want to say is I understand your situation..wishing I could do what I was able to before RSD..don't beat yourself up over this..as it will cause you more pain and exaustion before leaving for your well deserved trip..One day our kids will get it..even spouses.. please, don't take what they said to heart..let it roll right off because tomorrow they could have tears for you, chalk it up to only words....let the appearence of your house go..only doing what you can with little help from others..in the mean time, your sitter knows you are not feeling so well and I am sure she'll 'overlook' it..Just have a wonderful time..and take each day as it comes.. Much love, Kathy:hug: |
I do know part of this is my fault.....or mine and my husband's. There is no set chore schedule except for bringing out trash and recycling. The 14 yo is also supposed to unpack the dishwasher, but he is seldom home when it needs to be done so hubby usually does it. All 4 of us have kind of given up on the house......and I realize the kids are just following the adults lead.
We do need a family sit down. Unfortunately, I get little support from my husband who ridicules any plan I come up with......"Oh, what stupid idea does mom want us to try out now".......... So I feel bad because there are 'family issues' and because I'm broken and can't do what I want to do.......and I let them get away with too much because I feel guilty. I also get that teens are lazy, but it's the total lack of empathy from them right now that's killing me....the "So what if you're in pain, get over it" sentiment. Don't these idiots realize that I'm the one who does the Christmas shopping !!!! I know two kids who won't be making it to their Halloween parties this weekend ! |
Oh dear finz..
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Tlak more and get it out with us..Iam here waiting.. Love, Kathy |
They are not your servants??? So perhaps YOU are not their chauffeur, chef, and maid. Let them take care of themselves for a change while you take care of YOURSELF. It's the only way they are going to learn that you are important, too.
It sounds like your husband may have set a tone of disrespect in the household, which they naturally adapted. Only by sticking up for yourself are you going to start to win some battles. Respect is earned. You say you waited for your kid to get out of football practice, only to learn that he got a ride from someone else?? Time for some tough love. Let him walk home next time!! And you were in PAIN?? What a little ####head!! That said, I have 2 ####heads of my own!! My 16 yo would try the patience of a saint!! But honestly, if he pulled a stunt like that, it would happen only ONCE. I would NEVER show up to pick him up again. He could walk home, or quit football for all I care.... You may want to schedule some counseling for yourself. I did. I needed to get my head on straight after I got so sick with RSD. There's so much that I needed help figuring out, especially the kids (not that I was very good with them to start with!!) The dynamics are just so different when you are sick and need help. I truly understand where you are coming from, and wish you the very best of luck. And have an awesome time in Key West!! Go chill and forget all about your problems - and let the babaysitter clean up your house!! XOXOX Sandy Quote:
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I truly understand. I have a teenage daughter who tries my patience on a daily basis. She is 19 and I ask her almost daily how old she is, because I swear most of the time she acts like a spoiled 5 yr old. Anyway I do understand and somedays if I hear her muttering one more time under her breath how she has to do it because I'm too lazy to do it, I just might snap. I have come to the point that I do what I can do and if my daughter or husband can't understand that than it is their problem. My husband isn't always supportive and I often feel like I'm the middle between them trying to keep the peace. I try to ignore most of her comments but my husband can't or won't and takes everything personally, so between him threatening to leave if she doesn't act like he thinks she should and her telling him he should leave they try my patience. We created most of the problem we've never really made her do anything to help. We tried years ago with the chore list but she didn't do half of them or did them half way so we stopped giving allowance trying to teach her she was responsible for completing things and if she didn't then she didn't get to do the things she wanted to do.
What amazed me the most was recently we visited a friend in Minnesota who also has rsd and recently came out of remission and to hear my daughter talk about what I go through on a daily basis was truly touching, but then she acts like she does towards me, maybe it's just her being a teenager and it is all about her in her mind. I don't know but I do know underneath her behavior she does see what I go through and understands a little. Hang in there they probably understand and get a lot more than they let on. |
Thank you friends !
Last night I was so upset.....and I know that you all understand how that makes the pain even worse. It was definitely a no sleep night. Kathy, I still was up after 8 and saw your second post. I didn't make it through the first sentence before I burst out crying again......and went to lay down and snuggle up with my dog. I suddenly felt very peaceful and felt consoled by your words. I really felt the love from a cyber friend.....and know that you all do understand what the pain of rsd is like as well as the frustration of dealing with it. I slept during the day and have not done any 'work' around the house, so I feel much better now.....physically and mentally. At one point this morning I actually went and double checked my pill box to make sure I hadn't forgotten to put my antidepressants in there, because I was feeling like I was back in my 'dark period' before Zoloft and rsd help. And ,yes Sandy, I do see a counselor.....although she was away on vacation this week, the nerve of her ! I am in a better place than I was 24 hours ago though......and know that I can't change the past, but I sure as heck can change the chore schedule for the future. I tried a new tactic this evening. This morning I reminded them that they still had to finish cleaning up from last nights dinner either before school or after. My husband usually serves dinner promptly at 5 pm. By 7 pm, the 16 yo was starving and looking for dinner. My usual would be to yell, or start taking away electronics to punish for not doing his work, but I just calmy said, "Oh, we're having chicken caesar salad, but I need the salad bowl to make it. Unfortunately, someone forgot to run the dishwasher or clean off the counter, so I can't make it yet. He just walked away.....but by 8:30 he and his brother started working. For some comic relief.......16 yo plays guitar and bass and had several very large amps and speakers in the family room. I said they had to be moved, to his room or the garage or I would put them outside and not care if they were rained on. While I was still in bed today, he moved them. It really was like he thought he should get an award for being so brilliant because he thought of the bright idea of putting them under the dining room table, where they are hidden by the tablecloth. I went to check out his work and they were hidden. Unfortunately, he left the chairs all scattered all over the room. I went to pull the chairs back up to/under the table.....they don't fit ! So they just stick out taking up a huge amount of room. He really truely can't figure out why I don't like his new arrangement ! Thank you friends for your support ! |
Finz sometimes a person needs a good cry to get the emotions out. I do agree that stress does impact us a lot. I am having a lot of family problems too and the range of emotions I am feeling is very hard. It is like it takes all my strength to fight the daily pain so to take on more is hard.
I am glad you are feeling in a better place. Has your family ever thought of doing family therapy or could maybe your current therapist have a session with everyone? I did this with my family and for us it did not work out so great but I don't regret doing it.I learned a lot about how I feel and how to cope better. I also know families that it really helped. I think when something impacts a family to talk about the feelings,what each person needs are,etc can really help. Hope today is better |
Your posting was refreshingly honest
You're not the maid. Either the family works together or they're probably tearing it apart. Why worry about Christmas shopping? It sounds like there are other things that warrant your labors instead. Maybe it's time the kids and even your husband take a closer look at their responsibilities as a cohesive unit instead of you rewarding them for having done nothing.
Ironically enough you're being forced to live in a home that's what some might call in a constant state of confusion which only makes your health problems worse. If there's anything I've learned about being chronically disabled, it's that the more organized I am, the easier it is to live daily life. When I think about how much time you waste each day hunting high and low for things you should be able to just lay your hands on, it makes me want to cry. Maybe it's time to teach your family a little cause and effect? The reason your lifestyle is less than comfortable is because the family won't work together or is that work at all? The effects are that things only get worse over time, not better. It's always easier to keep a clean house clean than it is to clean a dirty house. I never really clean our place, but my wife and me are constantly putting around and taking care of things as they hit instead of putting it off till tomorrow that never really comes. While there's not doubt you need a vacation, it sounds like some priorities need to be realigned. How can anyone have a good time anyplace else when they know they're coming home to a blooming mess they haven't taken care of in the first place? Today my heart really does go out to you. Now go and find the baseball bat and see if you can motivate anyone to start living life in a more organized manner. Bob. Quote:
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Thanks for the input gang !
D......I have tried family therapy with the kids before. Hubby refused to participate (big surprise). It took a few tries to find a therapist that was a good fit. We eventually did, but the kids still didn't really take it very seriously. We stopped for awhile because of the huge bills when I had to cancel appts with less than 24 hour notice d/t bad pain days when I couldn't drive and hubby refused to. I've had problems with the 16yo over the summer with him getting physical with me twice, so I called to try to restart therapy and now that therapist has left the practice. There used to be therapists in our area that did home visits, but it seems like budget cuts have eliminated that. Bob.......Yes, I do need to work on my cause and effect with having better consequences. I think I am guilty of severe procrastination.......maybe when I get to the next pain clinic they will be able to offer me more help and then I will get my crap together. Unfortunately, I've spent years putting off direct confrontation of this. Time for a new plan ! Call this my coming out party......now hold me to it guys ! |
Oh Finz, Don't be so hard on yourself. Do what you can and leave the rest. I survived two teenagers so I can relate to some of your frustrations with them. The good news is that they are both still alive, so I guess that things eventually got better. I hope that you enjoy your much deserved vacation. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Lisa
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Dear Finz..
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Finz..hold in there..We all want you to feel better and are right along beside you on this!!! You are loved!! Kathy:hug: |
An idea worth considering
Last year after some rather life altering surgeries on my old body my wife's health also tanked and so our home for the first time in 26 years of marriage just wasn't a place I'd call home. Instead of having a picture perfect 24 hours a day type home, we were living in an absolute state of confusion. The worse the house became the unhappier I was. Then my family over 2,000 miles away said there were two solutions. Either they come back complete with both legs and a strong back and get our place put back together or they hire someone that would save them hours of flight time and who'd be around forever more. After one week of having a lady and guy help me get the major stuff reorganized we then found a great lady who comes in just once a week for 4 hours that takes care of all the chores I just can't make this old body of mine do anymore. Our world changed and once again I'm sane.
It's not that we don't still have our chores, but I had to admit the sad fact that I just couldn't do everything I use too. A huge amount of humility was due and I was the one who had to learn it. Now my family sends me a check for $250 a month and I've got my wonderful Shannon who helps us keep our home ready for company - no matter when they drop by. Instead of paying psychologists to "talk" it over, you're in need of a more physical type help. It sounds like your money would be much better spent with some who'd help you physically get your home and life back in order. Then get the baseball bat out when the rest of the family starts to make "their" mess. Your second posting about your kids being upset over "you" not doing what "you're" suppose to do is what pushed me over the top. It's time they learn that life isn't a free lunch program and that we spend our entire lives working out tails off for whatever little amount of security we finally manage to build up over decades of laborious hard work. Taking care of ourselves and home is just a part of the big picture along with years of often boring and tiring work that at times gets us nowhere. If they'll just learn that labor is a good thing, not some horrible thing to avoid, they'll find out that life is a whole lot more enjoyable across the board. If there's something such as play stations or TV or anything else that's stopping them from being a productive part of your family, maybe it's time they go away till they finally start pulling their own weight. I know they'll scream bloody murder. Let them, but meanwhile you'll be on the path to sanity. Getting our lives back in order isn't always easy, but it's darn well worth the effort no matter how painful. They either learn it today or later when they're out worrying about how they'll pay the bills, but they will learn it someday. Part of being a great parent is to show them why working is really a great thing. Being broke in a filthy rat trap isn't much of a way to live, so maybe now's the time to show them why working hard is the only way to go. Meanwhile, please get some help and then take whatever appropriate action that's necessary to keep your place cleaner and you more contented. Wishing you all the best and if you'd like my baseball bat it's on the way. I had kids too. Bob. |
Hi Finz,
I'm a Grandmother of a 16 and 17 year old. They both have their license now.
I was wondering if your 16 year old has his license. If he's reliable you could let him help with taking the 14 year old places and also doing some grocery shopping for you. Dustin did this until Devin got his license Monday. If you gave him some responsibility that might help and you can always take away the keys if he doesn't help with the chores or driving As far as your husband, before you sit down as a family, I would sit down with him so he will know not to treat you the way he does in front of the kids and that he will go along with getting them doing what they need to do. Our boys didn't straighten up overnite. Travis and Susan have had to work on them when they were each about 14. There for awhile, they were ready to give them both away. Saturday night at Devin's party a friend brought up the fact that one of the 16 year olds in our group had gotten in trouble. As we were talking, I ask her if she knew what it meant, she said yeah, OMG look what we've done. LOL It's never too late though to get them doing chores and acting their age. Susan has developed high blood pressure so thats when Travis cracked down on the boys and told them they had to help more and act like adults. Of course it wasn't that gentle. LOL I am glad you are in councelling. I think that is a must going through what we go through with the RSD. It is physical and mental. Enjoy your trip and ask your councellor for some advice on how to get the kids on the right track and the hubby. Ada By the way, I was excited in August when Dustin got his license. No more being a cab driver as a Grandma. I think I did it more then Mom and Dad. |
He does have his learners permit....takes drivers ed starting in December. In Mass you have to be 16 1/2 to get your license, so hopefully in January he'll be good to go. He'll have to get a job then to pay for his car insurance, etc too.
Bob might be right in that it might be time to start hiring a housecleaner again. I used to have one, but had to fire her after her assistant took some of my oxycodone. Right after that, I noticed a lot of jewelry and my Ipod missing. Of course I couldn't prove it, but I can guess who took it. Because of that my husband will have a cow when I say I want a maid again, but I just can't keep doing this. I just don't get my kids and the mess. Everyone has vacuuming and dusting , etc but damnit, the cleanup wouldn't be so bad if they didn't just throw trash on the floor (behind the couch and tv) and if I didn't have to call them back 37 times to complete one task !!!!!!!!! At least I'm calm about it now I'm fantasizing about rum drinks and warm weather........ |
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I have to agree with bobojeff....Prior to my accident I was a stay at home mom for 12 years before I went back to work so naturally everyone was very comfortable with me doing everything. It was ironic that we had this long family meeting about mom going back to work FT. Had a small schedule for he kids they where 8 and 11 so they only stayed home for an hour or so and my neighbor kept an eye. They did not do much at the time but they did it. The I had my accident 7 days later after I went back to work. I am lucky I have extremely neat husband. Would you believe we have be married for 22 years together 30 and I have never picked up a piece of clothing that's his. He does't rinse the dishes the way I do and overloads the washing machine and the clothers don't get cleaned properly, but so what. The kids just had to do things after that I think they felt so sorry for me I really suffered for a long time before the RSD even came into play, plus we traveled into Manhattan at least 1 a week at one point and we live about a hour but could take 3 if there's traffic. It was a real nightmare. But not there 16 and 19 and expecially my daughter, does her own laundry, doesn't put it away folds it and lives out of the laundry basket, my son only is aloud to put in the dryer and fold, he's a bull in a china shop kinda of kid and spins that washing machine dial so hard I'm afraid he's going to break it and then it will cost me money. And I have learned the hard way to pick my battles, it's not worth it. If there not doing drugs, getting decent grades, have goals for there life then all is fine for me. Teenagers can be tough. Good Luck gabbycakes |
Come Monday.....
Pete asb |
lol Pete......good one !
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Dear Finz
We all embrace you and want to offer any kind of help to fix this enviornmental pain you are living with! Heres the truth of it all: You are trying to live like a normal person but you arent. Your family is tearing you apart because you arent performing to their expectations of what a healthy mom should be doing! You need emergency counseling to improve your life. You cant clean your cluttered home by yourself or fix all the meals and clean up or drive everyone all over the city and be in horrible pain! YOU NEED HELP NOW! Your family is rude and need a reality check. I went from being a normal mommy of 14 yr old twin girls with a hubby, had gallbladder surgery and have been bed ridden since..long story. My hubby is a stay at home care taker of me and literally waits on me hand and foot because i cant do for myself very much. I work from home on the telephone and computer selling office supplies. I earn th money he does all the rest. I feel horribly guilty and dont know what my future holds but my family cares for me and my illness/disability. My girls are 19 now and away at college but they call me at least twice a day and face book with me at night. Either walk out on your family or have an intervention and get them on board to help you. you deserve love and respect. You are deserving and worthy of good. and if they arent willing to step up to the plate, someone else will. I know its hard to be strong when you are sick. I just want to say YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!! Get help now! love and blessings Lori Quote:
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