Waves, how are you doing?
 

I know you're very busy...

But I was just wondering about the classes, employment ops, and how you're feeling in general.

I hope you've been able to find more time for your self & that everything's okay.

:hug:

Kay

adding hugs.
(((((((HUGS))))))
xoxo
bizi

Waves

Wanted to add good thoughts, love and say. Hoping you are starting
to have a better few days.

Donna:grouphug:

hi Kay,

thanks for the thread. :)

and thanks bizi and donna for the hugs and good thoughts :)

i'd actually been posting recent happenings to the old oct 8 tgif thread:
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread134669.html if you want to see some blow by blow stuff sorta kinda.

where i left of is basically i am trying to recoup.... that's basically where it's at still... :o very tired. physically, mentally, emotionally.... just....... done in.

take care everyone :grouphug:

~ waves ~

Waves

I think your spirits have risen* In this thread *


Donna:grouphug:

lol Donna... speaking of spirits...

or well nah never mind :D

i am feeling a little better. not as incredibly sensitive to everything all the time. you used a word to describe me/my state before - "raw" - i use that exact same word... nail on head.

i am still feeling pretty down, amotivated and antisocial. haven't even felt like posting much. i am fighting some personal demons and it's kinda hard. i started to post about it before, but it ended up bothering me. i am trying to figure out if i can try again or if i'm better off keeping it private.

thanks again Kay for the the thread, and don't worry about "missing" the goings on in the other one...

i will "adopt" this one now, for my updates... since it is indeed more aptly titled :)

~ waves ~

definitely improved. time to get back on the horse. or at least a pony.
 

well the past couple of days have turned out ok - better than hoped...
we had a long weekend (monday holiday) - i got kinda grumpy and felt suffocated today but not excessively, considering both parents home and in living room and watching tv talking etc.... and then later mom started going on in alarmist fashion about various things (that wears me thin, very quickly).

the thing is though, despite all this, i even got a little productive between sitting around.... fiddled with - troubleshot - tried to fix - uninstalled - downloaded - reinstalled - verified functionality - of some software i need to do the extra assignments from the class. this is a relief because when i found the software didn't work it was like, GROAN... i HATE dealing with installation fiddlygoop. well it's done.

the plan was to try get back with the program, or at least, some program, this week.

so the plan for this 4-day week is
- try and get used to getting up before 10-11 am again, sigh! :o
- work on assignments
- touch base with epilepsy center about doing some office work
- touch base with consultant i put on "hold" and see if he has written me off or what.
- send updated resume if he hasn't
- call school to advise teaching availability (maybe...i have some concerns to work out first)

my emm, "demons" have been somewhat tamer. tomorrow when i get out and about (pdoc appt) will be a major test to see to how much trouble they are going to make.

overall mood is better. feeling very insecure about work things... probably normal.

~ waves ~

wow!
you do sound better. I am glad for that!
I hope it goes well with your pdoc visit and good luck with your "demons"
hugs to you my friend
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

woke up at 9 today...well... after the other n times i half woke up feeling cold... ack. need to regulate the heater better.

i already had one cup o coffee but i'm SOOOOOOO sleeepy again.... RONFFF....

i just want to curl up under the covers..... argghhhh. (shoulda put the bed up when i made the coffee but it was so cold so i got in it again and got on the computer......

arghhhhh.......getting up is so harddddddddd!!!!

i don't wannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaa!!!! waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! :hissyfit::Bawling::Noooo:

:Zzzz::Zzzz::Zzzz::Zzzz: waves :Zzzz::Zzzz::Zzzz::Zzzz:

I can appreciate that!!! need to get going!
bizi

well, i set the alarm for 10.30 (it was 10 when i posted)... hit snooze once, then turned it off and slept till about 11.30. then i felt better. i think i needed it. i think the increased need for sleep is probably stress recovery.

i had decreased my benzo about 4 nights ago, because i suspected excessive sedation. is long acting... it takes that long to notice a decrease. yesterday and today i noticed anxiety. i guess i better increase it again.

at least i did get up at 9, make coffee, took my zoloft then... that might help to make me tired earlier in the evening. one can hope. i set up a pre-program on the heat so that we can have it turn itself up automatically after 6 hours (getting up easier when freezing butt off not involved)

i missed my pdoc appointment. it was at earlier time than usual and i forgot that. he called when i was getting ready to take the bus ... 45 mins into my scheduled appointment! :eek::o:rolleyes: he has a convention next week and won't be able to see me till 2 weeks away. i declined his offer to try to rearrange his schedule to fit me in tomorrow. i thanked him and said if i were ill i'd accept, but i am ok enough that i don't want him to add that inconvenience to my screwup.

i called the epilepsy center - talked to the volunteer coordinator. i proposed 2 half days, and am waiting for the office manager to call me back to confirm. if it works for her i will be going there tuesdays and thursdays 10am to 2pm.

i called the software consultant i'd put "on hold" regarding my job search. no answer - he might be away this week, since there was a long weekend. he may call back or i will.

now i will look for something else to do. i should "crack" my homework, but i am feeling resistant towards it. there are a couple of other things i want to do. maybe i can do a bit and a bit. i am bad at handling situations like this... i get very all or nothing. i need to improve my time/task management.

~ waves ~ nervous... i hate expecting callbacks.

good you for calling!!!!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Waves

I'm proud of all you accomplished.

Donna:grouphug:

thanks Donna and Bizi. :)

just waiting for the E center to call now... :o

the consultant called back early yesterday evening. it's cool he didn't decide to liquidate me or anything. this morning i sent him my updated resume. one down.

i had bad anxiety last night. took 2.5mg lorazepam. it mostly helped. it will take a while for the regular benzo to build up again.

today i have to
- call in and pick up a script from my GP
- call the school and tell them i'm available for teaching

yesterday i ended up taking out all the recycling/trash from the long weekend but didn't do any homework. i can't seem to get with the homework, so i am trying to break down the task a whole bunch here. so maybe today i can:
- open my homework assignments
- find and read the description of one i'm supposed to do next

i woke up at 8 spontaneously and took my coffee. this time i made the bed right away. at worst i can crash on the couch which is uncomfortable (but if i'm that tired i won't care.) but next thing is i am going to get dressed and make like i'm a regular human being or something.

~ waves ~

Waves
What a wonderful morning you have had already.

If you can't do more than open your assignment book. And pick
out a section to do. Then say read a few of the pages and put
the thing back down. Do at least that. It would then consist
of having done some homework.

I will give you a thought. I am going to be gone till at least Friday
night. Maybe longer, I am going to inservice training with all my
bosses and co-workers. So maybe you can get one assisnment
completely started when I get back. If not done.

Donna:grouphug:

P.S. You have inspired me to have a great day. And its just 7:30am
here. Thanks

wow! 8am I am very impressed!
good for you!!!!!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Waves, nobody says you have to do it all in one bang! You're doing great!!! :D

You've inspired me to make a to-do list of my own!

Thanks,

Kay

interviews and more interviews
 

no time for homework
yesterday had to translate resume for schoool for their archive and send
then talked to consultant... had to prep for nterview today

today....
spend mornign at E center
afternoon interview

tomorrow...
followup interview 9.30 am with client
means alarm set at :eek: 6.30 :Noooo: and i must sleep now

will check in again and update when it's all over. :o

TGIF tomorrow. :rolleyes:

:grouphug:

~ waves ~

good luck in all matters!!!!!!
Look at what you are doing!
good for you!
bizi

You seem much more focused Waves!!! :)

I hope everything goes smoothly! :hug:

Kay

thank you all for your support.

i did not get into it yesterday because i was too tired.

the day was a mixed bag. some aspects rather upsetting.

the epilepsy center thing is probably not going to work out. they smoke in the office and i can't deal with that. and no windows, and winter. got impression maybe office manager (who smokes) either didn't like me for independent reasons, or realized that i have a problem with the smoke (physical problem: coughing fits leading to deep, dry, chronic cough.) sorry this is upsetting so i don't want to go on about it now, i know i have to talk to them about it... but it isn't so easy, big cultural thing.

my demons are not behaving. separate issue. don't want to explain. NOT a good thing. relative to focus: well, if you are impaired enough, the mind becomes fairly simplistic. that could be viewed as "focus" from the outside.

today i had a terrible time with public transport. interview went well but there seem to be some bureacratic/financial glitches with the end client (happens with body rental / multiple intermediaries) so, really no telling how it will go. you know, people are very attached to their budgets.

i had a very frustrating day yesterday
i had a very frustrating day today

that is all i have to say for now

good that i sound good.

doesn't quite match how i am doing. i cried yesterday morning at the bus stop. then yesterday afternoon i HAD to use lorazepam... andthensome. it is not my regular benzo that i take at night (which i increased). lorazepam (2.5mg sublingual) is my "OH $h!t" drug.... to give you an idea.

~ waves ~

I am sorry that you are not well.
It is too bad about the smoking at the E center....shucks what a dissappointment.
It is getting cooler there as it is here...how are you fairing?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

epilepsy center disappointment
 

thanks Bizi

i am just trying to muddle along the best i can, in the condition that i am.

i am trying not to worsen the condition, but i can't seem to really improve it much. thought so but not really.

it's really too bad about the epilepsy center. i offereed 10-2 tuesdays and thurs. so when i said see you tuesday to the office mgr she was like, welll, hmm i'll let you know, i mean if there's anything to do. geez, when i talked to the volunteer coordinator - a few weeks ago - he made it sound like an extra hand in the office would always be welcome. so. that's why i think she has some issue with me.

if, before she calls (assuming she does?) monday, i get a green light on the job thing, i won't need to address the smoking issue. i warned ahead of time my time would only be available until i were offered employment, and she knows i am interviewing.

even though, you know, i feel like i should say something to her because really, someone else could run into that. they should not be subjecting volunteers to cigarette smoke. (it's illegal in employment situations but i don't know how it goes with volunteer work. maybe the organization is private, so they don't have to observe the same rules. I DON'T KNOW. but i mean it's still an office environment. any client could come in. it does not seem like a bad idea to make some noise. i just hate to be the one making the noise.)

and whatever happens with her, i also feel like i should make mention it to the volunteer coordinator. if i do start working, the E centger has weekened activities i could participate in. i would not be able to do that right away. but assuming i got used to working and that level of stress, i might... and i do want to make sure upfront this time i won't be put into a smoky envioronment. that's a nogo for me, and honestly i don't think it's much of a positive for them. i used to smoke. and even in my own house, i would go smoke outside. even when it was cold. people who smoke can go outside. there is a courtyard.... hello... there are options. :rolleyes:

i was upset about this, because, not foreseeing employment in the immediate future, i hoped to treat my 2 days a week volunteer work with the E center as employment, just not getting paid. but still with the same sense of responsibility. more perhaps because i care what happens in that arena.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

I'm sad to hear that you are having such a hard time :hug:

Your last posts concern me. Of course you don't have to explain the separate demons if you don't want to. I respect and can identify with that.

I don't think the epilepsy center will work out. It doesn't seem like a healthy or inviting environment. Personally, I would speak to the volunteer coordinator to tell her it won't work out and why.
You don't need to deal with another ***** right now.

I think it's a wonderful idea for you to get out and do some meaningful work! I wish I could find a place that would accept me & I'd do the same. I like to feel purposeful, and would enjoy the bump to my self-esteem.

There are plenty of places that would love to have you volunteer your time!!! And without such friction.
Some suggestions: senior centers, adult day care, food pantries, organizations for the homeless, veterans' programs, recording audio books for the blind, or MS organizations?
I don't know how many of these programs are available in the UK...

I hope that you are able to reign in those demons, and your employment situation improves soon!

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS,

Kay

dear kay

i do not live in the UK

i have looked and looked for volunteer places before

where/how i live it's not so simple. the options i've found would require special qualfications/auth, a car, or both.

i was specifically interested in doing work for epilepsy awareness... it was way cool that i happened to find something in that of all things... and it is way disappointing the way things are turning out. maybe i wasn't being subtly pushed away but it felt that way and it hurt too. and it might not be because of the smoking. maybe the coordinator did not care about my being bipolar but maybe she did. or something, ya know?

i don't feel like looking all over again for volunteer stuff. i have enough going on.

later on, i might be able to get involved in other activities the center does that do not place me in the office / expose me to smoking.

i don't want to talk about the 'demons' because i really don't want suggestions, tips tricks analysese or whatever. but especially, i am upset by my own situation, and it upsets me when folks bring up/ask me about it, specifically, in any old thread i happen to post (like this one, or the old zoloft thread). i tried saying that before, but it didn't work. no matter. i will avoid specifics on forum, and that will fix it.

the point is, i am already doing the best i can and thats about the size of it.

the only reason i say anything at all about this, is to clue people in that things are not as hunky dory as otherwise they might seem.

i do need folks to understand i am struggling, and the struggle involves something akin to "a deal with my demons." i am not just suddenly up and doing great wow cool hooray. there is a dark side and if i can't keep it in check at some point there is going to be a showdown... or a breakdown.

~ waves ~

Again, I'm sorry that things are difficult for you right now. I'll say some good thoughts for you & hope for the best.

:hug:
Kay

thanks Kay. it's got so, every day, it's even hard to post because there's too many upsetting things.... sigh.

i can say, on the postive side though, that demons or not, i am doing a heck of a lot more than before... am a heck of a lot closer to being employed (am trying, am getting called, etc).

thanks for the good thoughts and hope. i am sure that every bit helps.

maybe could you say some purifying charms to help "cast out" my "demons" too? ;) :D

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

'Sorry about the frustrating day
 

Waves,

Drop this place. It is not going to work for you.
The office manager and the volunteer coordinator do not get a long with each other.
As as side note: they are not in agreement about the role of volunteers.

As far as I am concerned, you don't even have to call them to tell them that you are not coming back.

My suggestion is to drop this completely from your mind.
Don't try to figure out how this might work or what is going on.

You have other things to think about.

I admire you for trying to find something that will work for you. I was hoping this would work too, but I think you need to let it go. You will find something better --- a place that is happy to see you and your talents. This is not the place.


M.

lol

Dear Waves,
You are a good story teller. :)

Yes. What you are doing is hard.
Going after jobs is trying. Remember that interviewing is much much more mental work than doing a job. Remind yourself that they are two different things.
At the risk of being obvious, I am pointing out that you can't compare what is happening now with what will happen when you get the right place.
We are pulling for you.
I hope you find what you need to be healthy and happy.

M.

Epilepsy Center
 

hi.

i'm still going to call the Epilepsy place and wrap things up with them. i need to do that, for myself. i am curious though, because you know i have had an increasing feeling about the office manager being uncomfortable with the bipolar thing. so i am going to wait.... i am going to see if she calls monday.

here's the thing. shortly after i got there, the mgr left for a quick errand after settling me in with something to do.

i told her i was bipolar later, in a conversation about disability - i was concerned about disclosure for a psychiatric condition. she said but i doubt that's psychiatric :rolleyes: ... she did not know what bipolar was. so, goofball here asks if she's heard of manic-depression and she says, well YEAH, but that was like ages ago... i said well bipolar is just the new word for it.

after that, she went on 2 other errands, and had me go with her (there was no need). in one case i declined and she insisted. so, yesterday, it occurred to me maybe she didn't want to leave a "mental patient" in the office with the others, ya know? i'll never know if she doesn't call, but if she does call to ask me to go in, it would prove me wrong. (i'd like to be wrong here.)

regardless, i will not be going in tuesday. i don't feel obligated to talk about the smoke issue with her. i might, or might not.

-------

but at some point i will talk to the volunteer coordinator about things. he sometimes does weekend activities that are not at center...

clearly i will tell him about the smoke and be very clear that i am only open to activities held in a smoke-free environment.

and it might be food for thought for him/them regarding smoking in the center. smoke exposure is bad for everyone, not just those of us who go into coughing fits or potentially land a nice migraine. AND it can be a seizure trigger for some. :rolleyes:

~ waves ~

thank you for reminding me of that Mari. going to work for the same place every day will be much less chaotic. i really hope i can handle the "regular" work stress better than i am handling this phase of things.

thanks :):hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

If you end up delving into this, you will find that she is uncomfortable with people with E.
We don't know how she got the job or why she works there.

She might call you. But even if she does, she is not going to change into a welcoming hostess. I really think she does not like outsiders in her office . .. . volunteers might even irk her.

It's not about you. She is territorial.
If the mis match between the manager and the coordinator is huge, you might be able to talk around the subject enough that the coordinator drops hints about how the two of them are not close in their views of how to bring out people's best talents and how best to open up and improve the center.

I agree about the smoking. She is wrong.

M.

i know it may be a bit obsessive of me but....
 

no delving. just waiting past monday, to see if she calls - before i call to say i can't deal with the smoke. ;)

she was introduced to the center through a childhood friend of hers - who had E since childhood. i am not sure which person the friend is or if i met her (i think i did the first time). i took that to mean at least some level of comfort but, who knows.

everyone there is a volunteer but that's possible about outsiders/territorial.

i am specifically wondering whether she brought me on errands to avoid leaving psycho gal unsupervised. if she doesn't call, it could be due to any number of things. but if she does call, it seems very unlikely she has a huge problem with the mental dx. that's why i want to see if she calls. the rest doesn't matter to me. i can't work there because of the smoke. she and several decorative ashtrays are clearly fixtures and i don't see that changing just because a new volunteer gets a cough.

i really didn't get the impression of any mismatch. they may not have people come in if there isn't a lot to do. i got the impression there was always a lot to do from the coordinator but he is not in the office much, he works with the support groups mostly. he said she could use help with the computer but maybe there isn't anything much going on right now.

thanks. she was not the only one smoking. the other volunteer who was stuffing envelopes with me also smoked. i checked national law - it does not cover private organizations, only employers or public offices. so they are not violating any law. it just doesn't seem real "with it". i will speak up because if other people also do, the voices will add up to change eventually (but probably not tomorrow or next week).

~ waves ~

Waves

As one that needs to use Epilepsy Centers. When they are around.

I need to say I agree with you that smoking isn't a good thing in the
business world. Its also something that will irritate lots of people in
the world of seizures.

I hate to think anyone in there is smoking to set up this problem for
their clients.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear Waves,

Regarding disclosure- it's a personal choice. I take it a bit farther- I really limit what I tell people about personal or health info. I just don't trust people. I've had a life full of lessons on that subject.
After I told my manager I was dx with MS, she told everyone, then I was run out of my job.

I'm happy to hear that you are getting calls re: employment!!! :)

It sounds like the volunteer coordinator at the epilepsy center is a lot more affable than the office supervisor. I hope that you'll be able to work with him outside the office.

I wish that everything was rosier for you, but I'm glad that you're keeping yourself busy,

Kay

Kay

yeah i generally don't disclose - certainly not at work! :eek:

but i wanted it not to be an issue here. :o the volunteer coordinator was actually very helpful when i told him... said if i later considered applying for employment accomodations they have resources that can help with that etc... and encouraged me to consider it if employment continued to be a problem etc.

the conversation with the manager was again on disability. i was skeptical about it because i was afraid i'd have to disclose the specific pathology to the employer, and i asked her that. the answer was generally speaking no, but with some caveats - useful information at least.

yes we'll see later on about the other activities... they would be weekend and right now i need weekends to recover. when i start work, i most likely will need weekends to recover also. he is definitely a very affable and helpful sort of person though. the manager may have some issues as Mari suggests but maybe not - she definitely seemed more introverted... the kind of person who takes a little time to size you up and get used to you a bit, before they relax completely around you. her invitation/insistence to the errands may in fact have been an effort to get to know me, rather than an attempt to keep "the nut" on a leash. ;)

it really is too bad about the smoking.

Donna,

fyi... this center is not a medical facility or anything, it's a volunteer/support organization. and a fairly small one. but they do have folks coming in... some activities in day time (when there would be smoke), group meetings in the evening (and i assume some smoke and it is allowed so...) well all i can do is give feedback.

~ waves ~

Monday monday
 

i am not happy it is monday. (is anyone ever happy it is monday? :rolleyes:)

i have an interview wednesday - new thing, not followup. :o

i just hope it doesn't rain. :Noooo:

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
 

You are busy. The Wed interview is great news.
'Sending good thoughts.

Hugs.
Mari

tired
 

i am tired and stressed.

wednesday's thing was set up the same time the other interview was set up... i've known about it but i've been hoping we could cancel. the idea was to cancel it if we got a confirmation from first folks in time. word on that was they should have a decision this week (not necessarily before wednesday).... but they could potentially take longer... it is a company that notoriously takes time...

if no news, i will have to check with the consultant what sort of availability to indicate to wednesday's ppl, if pressed. I.e how long are we going to hold out for last week's ppl. Personally, i want to hold out for a definite answer.

the wednesday thing is only 2 months. better than nothing.
the first one is through 2011 though and more promising situation/project overall. the kind of thing where if they like you they give you another contract.

i am tired. i am sick of running on caffeine. speaking of which... time to refuel... :o

~ waves ~