do I stay or do I go?
 

I recently learned my mother is quite sick, has had some heart issues, and is struggling. I suspect that if I dont get down to visit that I will miss seeing her one last time. Its awful tho! My druggie sister is already gearing up telling me how much of the momma load she has carried over the years, and wants me to reimburse MY share of the expenses she has had to carry over the years.

I KNOW my mom cashed in her life insurance policy to give cash to my druggie sister, so there is NO money to bury her. My bible thumping bro said he doesnt want to hear anything about her, unless its where the service is. The germophobe said that he may or may not show up even if he does know where the service is, but probably wont, unless he recieves a full and complete apology from that old lady before she dies. its HER move! he says. She has one sister who is alive, but she is so horribly, devestatingly poor and abused herself by her own family that she cant/wont make the service let alone contribute to it. I have a bi polar neice and nephew who are so dysfunctional and dependant on my mom for goodies and staples that they are going to really suffer and fall apart when she dies.

All of this drama BEFORE I even look up air fares, or rental car rates makes me want to shink back and not go anywhere near any of it! Right now, my mom tells me on the phone that she is fine! We all know that she isnt, and I struggle with letting go of so much garbage simply to go visit with her one last time. Even if she survives for the next year, I doubt I will have it in me to visit again. Its too stressful, too much drama, and too heavy to carry. I have fought for the last 48 years to get this woman to see me, love me, acknowledge me, comfort me. I guess I have to treat her badly to get her attention and I refuse to do that.

My question is. Should I go? Should i push thru my own pain, worry, stress and bitterness and go visit the old woman. If I go, I would FLY. the stress of seeing her, and just my family is too draining on me to sit in a car and work myself up to get there. Plus I would be so exhausted for the ride home that I would be dangerous on the road. I HATE my family! they make even the simple things so hard.

So, give me your opinion and then tell me your family story, and then give me a hug please.

Here's the hug: :hug: You don't want to hear my family story; we were the Waltons. And as far as my opinion? Only you know which choice you will regret more in days to come. It's a risk you have to take, one way or the other, and you don't strike me as one who's afraid of risk.

:hug: :hug:

You can't pick your family. You're stuck with them. Genetically, that is. Sounds to me like you have given it a fair try. I know if I had to deal with a parent and siblings like you've described I would be hiding and making my phone number unlisted.

I have such a hard time relating to this scenario, though, because I was extremely close to my parents and my sister. And I'm still very close with the one sister I have who is still alive.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I don't know how you'd feel after the fact if you didn't go. Would it be worse than going and dealing with all the stress that you already know is waiting for you. Only you can answer that. One thing I can do for you, though, is keep you in my prayers. And that I promise to do. :hug:

Maybe it is just me? but I don`t allow " I am family " to be used as an excuse for bad behavior. From my view point accepting it and them enables them.

My sympathy
 

:hug: Dej :hug:

First of all, I hate that you are going through this. It is has to be a hard decision for you. I will be forced to do the same thing, one day soon also.
I learned a year or so ago, when duty calls, I would have to go. I hadn't talked
to my mother for almost a year, because she got mad, when I asked why she
was buying christmas gifts for us, and I knew she couldn't afford it. She lives in Florida. When she moved to Florida, it was, no more gifts, we will visit and
that will be our gifts . Well for some reason, she started picking out stuff for
everyone. I received a nasty e-mail and said she sent all my stuff back and
was told my nieces, they were going to get more presents, cause Mema was mad at me! They just happened to slip that out.. Anyway, the next year she was involved in a car accident that totalled her car. My brother that lives down there, lives there to mooch, called me, I called her and everything was back to
normal.
I am in a similar situation again with her. She visited last August, 2009 nice visit, When my brother down there got upset with me over playing a "VIDEO" game with him over the internet, that we wouldn't play with him, etc. My husband called him a big baby. He went to my mom, after she couldn't find her pictures, when my cousin was coming down to visit. Mom wanted to get them out to show them to her. He convinced my Mom that I must have took them in Feb. of 2008, when we went down there last. I received a very nasty e-mail. Saying I stole her pictures, when I was there, even though she was just here in Aug 2009, she hadn't noticed then. Wanted all the stuff that she had left here with me when she left to go to Florida, in 1998, sent to her and all the
pictures I stole. I was devastated.... I didn't know what pictures she was talking about. I sent the e-mail to my oldest brother, I am oldest. He thought she was losing it, said don't worry about it. Doesn't even sound like her.
Well... to wrap this up, sorry so long, My daughter got married end of June, no
response from the family in Florida. We left out of there ( St Ausutine) so, my mom and brother could see us while we were there. No response. They missed my daughters entire wedding, she never received any acknowledgement.. that hurt!
My older brother, was on a trip down there, dropped over and visited my mom and youngest (moocher) brother, I guess she started talking angrily about me, he told her he didn't want to hear it! Also he heard, she had changed her will.
So right now Dej, like you..... I would have mixed feelings if I got a call, saying
my mom was ill. It is you decision, even though it hurts. It is something you have to decide on.
Let us know what you decide, we will support you!!
Sorry, I had to spill my guts, needed to get this out
:hug::hug::hug: Deb

Is there any way you could sneak into town, see your mother, and sneak out before anybody even knew you were there? I know first hand all about toxic family members, and I really feel for you. When my mother was dying and in the ICU I used to visit her every day in the wee hours of the morning just so I didn't have to deal with any relatives. To this day they all think I didn't visit her at all, but I could care less what they think.

Your number one job is to take the best care of yourself. If this means staying away from toxic people, that's what you have to do.

I agree with Marion. Sneak in without noise, hug your Mommy, forgive her for any past transgressions and then sneak back out and home to your safe haven and DH's loving arms.

Of course there is the possibility that you are used to all their drama and miss them all anyway. If that's the case, go, you'll feel better.:)

Here's what I did
 

I totally understand where you are coming from...hmmm. So hard.

When my father had his big stroke and had chosen no life suport, it was only going to be a matter of days before his death.

SO...after a non relationship with him for over 21 years - I decided to go and say good bye and to tell him I had forgiven him and to go in peace.

My oldest sister refused to go.

My other 6 siblings had remained close to my parents for fear of losing their inheritance when my oldest sis n I in 80's chose to break open the family secret of incest.

Huge uproar of denials.

My oldest sis, K (a therapist) and I walked away from the family. Stayed in casual communication with a fw sibs off n on over the years. Very hard and sad.

So, when called about dad by my brother, I decided to go. For me.

My mother sat in the hospital room ice cold along with my most vengeful of sisters, the B, I call her. In her eyes, I am the LIAR. In my mother's eyes, I am the betrayer.

When Dad saw me, he broke into tears-couldnt really talk, so I pulled my chair up close and told him how much I loved him as my father, reminded him of the many great memories I had of him as my father and thanked him for having loved and cared for me.

As for the pain, I told him, "you may go in Peace, dad, I have forgiven you. "

He broke down crying and I, by the amazing grace of God, comforted him. I needed to thank him...for at least trying to be my father despite all his terrible trials of alcoholism and incest.

As I was leaving, my sis, the B, grabbed her purse and swung it at me with full force. I fell into the wall.

Again, full of grace, I turned and told her I was sorry her father was dying, that she had been a wonderful and faithful daughter, but this hospital room was not the place to start a fight.
I turned and left.

I am glad I went ... Im glad I forgave him...Im glad I let him go in Peace and love. Im glad I controlled the situation as I needed and wanted for my feelings, my concious and my life. I have no regrets. I can only grieve what should have been my rights as a child.

I wonder how my older sister feels by refusing to go and say good bye. I dont know. She followed her own needs and feelings; and I followed my own.

The decision, depth of family involvement, sense of responsibility, your own desire to nurture or be nurtured, and your own conscious belong to you, deja, do what is the most loving and peaceful, and you will feel yourself smile.

As I now think back on that moment...it probably was the most single and honest moment I ever had with my father...it existed in love and truth.

May God be with you always.

ah Dej. As has been said so many times, you can't control anyone's actions, you can only control your reaction.

You have to live with your own conscience. It sounds to me that reluctantly, despite the family drama and how it affects you emotionally, you feel a certain obligation to see your mom one last time. No matter how it goes down, in the long run, it feels as if you will be at peace with yourself for going through this.

I say go. The drama will be there full force. You will be mad, it will hurt. Everyone will be horrible.

Then you will come back to your life and pull out what you did right and move forward.

It will be hard to do but it sounds like you are already half way there by just asking "if" you should go. You seem to be looking for excuses not to go all the time knowing that you have to go.

That is my psychobabble! Take it for what it is. I am not telling you to go or else you are a terrible person, etc. I am just reacting to a bad situation and giving you my honest reaction.

In the long run, you will figure it out and it will be the right thing for YOU.

Thank you for all the wonderful letter, both public and private.

#1 I forgave my mom a long time ago. I believe Polio as a child caused her to have brain damage, and she simply isnt able to make better choices. Her choices still upset me, but I see her as a blunted child who is being taken advantage of by a sister who does know better.

#2 like all of us, i want to be loved, and respected, and welcomed by my family. I KNOW they are not capable of this, and its a fact I must live with. They view me as a closed pocket book. That I am sitting here on a hill of money and refuse to share it with them, even if its going to be used for drugs, or bad choices. I stopped sending support long ago to all of them.

#3 I love my mom. Even tho her choices, behavior and situation upset me greatly. She hurts me deeper than anyone else on earth. She is quick to cut me to the core, and quick to throw stones. After this many years I have to accept the fact that unconditional love and support just are not coming.

#4 to go would be for ME. it would be a chance to say goodbye face to face to my mom. I doubt I would ever make the effort to go again till after she passes, and may not even go then. Funerals are for the living, and I have no intention of showing up for the others. My mothers body wont even have a chance to get cold before the others strip out her house, and rob her blind. Not that there is anything of value left. mom hocked it all year after year to get my sis out of trouble. her house is filled with salvation army style stuff.

Nothing can stir up the BS after faster than my family. I have never been seen as kind, sweet, funny, dependable or a sister. I have always been mean, rude, stingy, uppitty and hoity toity. I have a beter education and rub it in their faces. I have more money and lord it over them. I have a solid standing in my community and never fail to let them know that I am loved everywhere. I am supposed to receive celebrity status where ever I go. They have no idea what they missed out on. its thier loss and I no longer lose sleep over it.

I still havent made up my mind, but would love to be able to slip in, and talk to my mom. I know it doesnt matter what I want. I will get there, and she will shred me. She will tell me what a bad person I am for not bailing out my sis. What a bad daughter I am for not living next door. What a bad friend I am for not sharing my pocket book, pill bottles, and community standing to make an easier path for my sister to walk on. I have no disillisions about being greeted as the missing child, the loved one who found her way home. it will be a tense and stressful meeting no matter what.

*sigh* who wants to adopt me as their sister? :(

Dej,
All I can say is to follow your gut instinct.

So many of us have dysfunctional families like you. A couple of months ago, my sister got very ill and was in the hospital in horrible pain. We've had an on again, off again relationship over the years...
Anyway, her daughter contacted me, as well as her DIL, and told me she was dying...that if I wanted to see her, I should drive over.

She lives about 350-400 miles away, so DH and I got in the car and drove there...I wanted to hug her, tell her I loved her and say goodbye.

Needless to say, she was NOT dying:rolleyes:...but really appreciated that I drove over and saw her.
She's home now and weak, but it's difficult to talk to her because she is such an energy vampire...I feel so drained after I hang up...so I haven't been so good about calling (she NEVER calls me). By the way, she is my older sister, my only sibling.

I'm still glad I went to see her. I try my best to avoid all of the dysfunctional drama that comes with her family...but I also try to stay in touch...she's the only family I have left, and I really don't think she'll be around long term.

So, my dear, you need to do what you feel will be best for YOU. If you think you'll have regrets about not going, then go. If you feel it is in your best interests, both physically and mentally, to stay home and send a quiet prayer her way, then do that.
If you are not received warmly, can you handle it? Are you thinking of going there in order to heal your wounds, no matter what happens?

These are things to think through. Either way, you will make the decision that is right for you...
our thoughts and prayers are with you, dear:grouphug:

:grouphug: We ALL want you for our sister!! You've got family...all those you find and love are The Family. Just embrace them when you find them.:hug:

Blood DOES NOT make someone family
 

Good evening,

You already read about (at least in part) my "crazy" family. I mentioned in my thread "Bah Humbug" that on my last birthday I made the decision to "DIVORCE" my family & I meant that LITERALLY.

In May my mom (adopted/ bio mom's sister) asked me if I was sending bio mom a birthday card. I told her I was sending her an INVISIBLE one just like she has been sending me.

My family & I differ on almost everything. One of the biggest bones of contention is religion. I am ADAMENT about what I want when I pass. I also cannot stand it when people show up at someone's funeral speaking of how wonderful the deceased was & how much they will miss the person when you know that in reality they treated the deceased like a piece of dog turd when they were alive. I have very specific legal instructions about what I want when I pass; very detailed but essentially no funeral but a "CELEBRATION OF LIFE". This "CELEBRATION OF LIFE" is spelled out SPECIFICALLY INCLUDING who CAN & CANNOT attend. I SWEAR I WILL TURN OVER IN MY GRAVE if my bio mom or any of my so called sisters showed up at my funeral as though they were truly mourning a loss. They have shown thru words & action throughout the last 30+ years (how long I have know who my bio family was) exactly what they think of me & how they feel about me. I DO NOT need a bunch of phonies crowding around my grave. The reality is the ONLY REASON they would show up is to see if I left any money or anything of value.

One other quick story. I saw a psychiatrist, Sandra for 20+ years she really helped me with my family issues & many other things & we became more friends & colleagues (I worked in the field of mental health); she was my mentor, my friend, a parent when I needed one, a sister when I needed one... She was at my college graduation, my 40th birthday, we would meet for coffee, so many things. Said was not much older than I was & no matter how bad things got in my life Sandra had a way of assuring me that everything would be ok. Sandra passed away suddenly & unexpectedly of complications of lupus - it will be 4 years in January - I miss her every single day, some days more than most.

Less than 3 weeks after Sandra died my adoptive father died. He & mom adopted me as an infant; he was the only father I ever knew but I HATED HIM; boy did he give me many reasons to. He was a verbally abusive, cross dressing alcoholic. About 6 years before he died he developed Alzhiemer's & his disease progressed rapidly. He & my mom lived in this fantasy world of "Bob doesn't remember the past so it didn't happen" Well it DID happen & I will NEVER forget it.

Mom INSISTED I show up at the wake & funeral to support HER. While I was there physically I WAS NOT there mentally. I seperated from him as as child & had no connection to him; his death DID NOT sadden me but Sandra's death devastated me to the point I contemplated suicide - how could I live without her? I HAVE NOT mourned for Bob 1 SINGLE DAY & DO NOT think I ever will. By the time I was 10 he was "dead" to me. Sandra WAS NOT blood but she treated me with more kindness, consideration, love & understanding than anyone; YES often better than my mom (adopted).

Right now I am going thru a really bad time emotionally & all I keep thinking is "if Sandra were here then everything would be ok" Blood means NOTHING. I will respect you so long as you respect me.

I can't tell you how many times that both my mom and my dad were near death's door for years before they passed. I went there often, driving the two hour round trip even knowing it was hard for me with the MS and the stress.

I voted for you to stick by the phone and hope for the best. If she does really take a turn for the worse you can make the flight and just pay more for a short notice flight. Since your own health has been so poor lately it will be best for all involved if you stick to home until if/when you really need to go.

Then, if you must, stay at a hotel and only visit briefly so you can get home to rest and little Jack. :hug:

Of course this is only my opinion and you should follow your own heart. Whatever you decide it will be ok. :hug:

What a powerful thread this has become. I'll had some story to it to see if it can help.

First, I can't even imagine being in the situations you are all in. So any advice I may have is from my faith, living and years of nursing. I came from a large Baptist preachers family that family is everything. So I really can only sympathize and not empathize with you all.

My son in laws life was not the same thoug. He came from a family that had alcaholics and abusers. Both his Mom and Dad abused all of the kids, his back has burn scars. To make a long story short, his mother ran over his dad in a drunken rage and killed. him. So he immediately became a ward of the court along with his two brothers and sister. As the oldest he had more problems and was shuffled from one foster home to another. He finally ended up in a wonderful group home and to this daay he calls them Mom and Dad. So to speed forward, his mother is released from prison, and he is asking me whether he should ask her why she did it. He knows where she is and has her current address. He had tried to send her cards when he was much younger and she never returned any communication. My son in law is older and a little wiser now and needs some answers and closure. So I told him that I think he should send her another letter and first start by letting her know what is happening to him, maybe some pictures. Then he should ask her what happened. If she chooses not to answer then he will know that it is HER choice for not going through the door that he has opened. He will always know that he did his part. He also knows that he has a huge family here that will always love him no matter what happens. And believe me, sometimes he pushes the button but we still love him.

To all who are struggling through this, only you know your gut feeling. And in the end you have to live with yourself. I also like to think that what we do now is helping to carve our legacy we leave for our children and grandchildren.

Big hugs to all of you

Dear Dej,

I don't know if I'm even qualified to render an opinion on this except from a very nonbiased and unemotional standpoint.

After reading every post in this thread I've come to two final conclusions.

1) If "YOU" must see your Mom one more time for "YOU," then make it a "seek and destroy mission." Meaning, covertly gain access, do what you have to with your Mom and disappear without anyone else even knowing you were there.

2) In life, to fully enjoy the experience, one must rid themselves of "toxic" people. That means family members too. We can not control what they think and do, but we can absolutely control whether we give them permission to negatively affect our lives in any aspect. Do not give them permission. Do not accept their responsibility as they project it on you.

In the end, should you feel prompted so, the only person you may owe anything is your Mom. You don't owe your brother or sister anything in any way shape or form. They, not you, are the ones who have the problems. Let them take care of their own situational relationships. They have the right to obtain counseling, but not at the expense of sending you into counseling. You have the right to refuse. Everybody is an adult and needs to act like it by taking responsibility for themselves and not schluff it off on you as a middle-man. Uhh, "NO!"

That's my take regardless of family or not you still hold all of your own cards.

:grouphug: WOW - we are all an amazing group of individuals!! I love you all for your wisdom, care, support, kindness and maturity. I could go on and on with songs of praise. I am so glad to be hanging out with each one of you.:circlelove::yahoo::I-Agree::You-Rock::sunchair::partytime2::Dancing-Chilli:

I long ago cut off the "toxic" from my life. I stopped sending money for "hungry kids" or "oil for frozen pipes" or "medicine for sick kids" for a while I switched from giving cash to them, to giving money to the pharmacy or the oil company or light company. Then I found out my sis was being "friendly" with the store clerk and he was adding cigarettes to the childrens pharmacy bill. My sis was tapping into the oil tank and selling it by the gallon to the neighbors. She was allowing extension cords to run from her trailor to the next for a price. So..it was hard, but I cut her off clean. I refuse to carry my brothers garbage. He can talk all he wants, he aint getting in my heart anymore. I dont feel sad, mad or upset after talking to him.

I did get a phone call from my mom yesterday. She is going to be having some back surgery soon. She has collapsed vertibrae from post polio syndrome. (btw, my mom has brain damage from polio as a child. I think she cant help being how she is) She asked if I would please come down and help when it happens. I told her I would think about it. She will call me this week to let me know when the surgery is.

I managed to have a clear conversation with her about after life plans. She wants to be creamated. She wants a simple memorial service, nothing flashy. She wants her ashes spread in a place that is easy for me to get to. She chose a woman who is a friend to the family as her executor. That confuses me, but not my choice. She said it has upset her that I am so far away, and wouldnt be able to get to her quickly if something happened, and she had to name someone who would stand up to my sister. I may not agree with her choice, but I understand. She admitted to a five thousand dollar insurance policy. she wanted what was left over to go to the grandkids. I explained that wasnt enough to creamate her. She wanted to argue.

Long ago, I spoke to both my brothers who have agreed that if she needs money to be creamated, that we would ALL chip in. My sister wont, because she has a bag full of stories. I dont know much about this woman she chose, so ...not sure how that would work, but I am NOT going to carry it with me. If they need me, they will call me, and I can make my choices then. I cant and wont carry it till then.

I think I will save my visit for when she has her surgery. I can go and help while she is in the first couple of weeks of recovery. She will have visiting nurses, and a home health aide come in, so that will relieve many worries. So, I believe I will go, and this will give me the chance to say my goodbyes to her. I in my heart of hearts believe that I wont ever make the choice to go back there. While she is weak in a recovery state she will be calmer and less venomous. then i can quietly slip away, and let come, what is going to come.

Thanks for all the support. my family has tortured me all of my life, and it took many decades to learn how to set them aside and live MY life. You guys rock! :hug: