Wives with mTBI, TBI, and PCS husbands needed
 

The spousal relationship between a brain injured spouse and healthy care giving spouse is unique and has different needs than a parent-child relationship.

I am starting this thread in hope that spouses, especially wives, find a way to connect and support each other.

I will try to avoid the compulsion to comment and in so doing leave this thread to the wives. I hope others will do the same.

I will even try to get my wife to check in occasionally. She is a wonderful caring and understanding person.

Hopefully, we can start a good community of spouses helping each other. It will be best if this thread stays in a support and caring format so the others, like me, etc. will not interrupt with our comments.

So, ladies and the few husbands in this situation, reach out at touch someone.

My best to you all.

yes mark
 

yes mark hope some of the lurkers may be cares would be good to see them having the own support threads there needs may differ from ours in some respects

thanks mark for all your input

my husband has been wonderful. I cry, ask him a million questions, etc and he has been very supportive. I know its stressing him out too..t.aking care of the kids back and forth to games and practices, weekends are a nightmare running around, he's exhausted, but he has been the best. I know I must be driving him nuts as the depression and anxiety is over the top, but he really tries to keep me grounded.

aireyden,

If your hubby ever has some moments to spare, have him check in with us. As he posts about the struggles he has caring for you and the family, others can offer support.

Mark...I wish I could say he could or would...he is so strapped for time. He works over an hour away from home...coaches basketball and baseball for our sons...takes them to all the practices...and does most of the food shopping. I just started going to the grocery store for a few things last week.

Right now...can't ask him to add anything else...but if you have a specific question I will ask...and reply.

Mark,
I think this would be a great way for my husband to seek advise, vent, etc.

I know he gets extremely frustrated at times with me a& this only adds to the stress of us all.
For me some things are there, as they used to be & some things just aren't. I know for me, at times, I still get very angry. I know he does. I've ask him on several occasions to go to some kind of support group or read about mTBI / PCS so he can know, understand etc a little more of what I'm going through too.
I can't help but get frustrated with myself especially when I know & see his frustration...
Hopefully I can get him to at least check it out...

Toni

Thats the kind of thing I need, how my husband of almost one year are supposed to deal with my PCS. We had some problems communicating before, so now it seems so much more difficult. He has taken on some of the things I did before, but at the same time he doesn't seem to understand my limitations.

It doesn't help that because of all the steps I have to go thru to see a specialist he says we don't really know what is is, and that I have always been this way... or that he won't take the time to read up on it at all. I feel like I have been dealing with most of this on my own since I go diagnosed in the E.R. in Jan. this year. And I know the anxiety pushes him farther away, hes my "safety net". If anyone has any suggestions, please I really need them. Thanks. :(

It is important for the spouse to understand the symptoms. The best way for this is to download and print out the TBI Survival Guide. It can be read online or downloaded and printed out at www.tbiguide.com
Read it and highlight and write notes in the margins about the symptoms you are having. It may be easier for them to understand when the communication struggles between spouses dealing with PCS do not get in the way.

I will have my wife check in on this thread tomorrow if she has time.

My best to you all.

TBI/Divorce
 

I am a rookie so please bear with me. I suffered a TBI in 12/06. We had a picture perfect American Dream type family. Along with a TBI comes personality changes. The seperation/divorce rate among survivors during the two year after math of a TBI is way above the national average. My x wife gave 110% of her love, time, support and effort. I wish the TBI and divorce never happened. I want to help others facing this potential problem. I will be glad to share my stories, and because I wish the seperation/divorce never happened it is rare for me to critisize my x wife.
(p.s. we have two sons, now ages 15 + 16)
Change the things I can change? Accept the things I cannot change? Wisdom to know the difference? Well,,,,,,,,,, I certainly am working on this. :)

Hi, I am new to the site as well. I hate to complain, I just needed to find somewhere that may have some insight into what other people who's spouses have a MTBI. It's been difficult at times and I love my husband dearly, but I sometimes struggle with the mood changes and the other personality changes that he has acquired due to his injury. I was just hoping to find other people with similar experiences that can offer support.

Hello there,
I am also a young wife in my late 20's with a husband who has suffered from PCS for the past 6 years. There are certainly ups and downs when trying to support your spouse and although I love my husband more than anything, there are days that I feel like breaking down. I love the idea of building a support network of spouses/significant others because I know that I can really use some support many days.

wife of mTBI
 

i'm also a wife of 8yrs to a man we discovered conclusively this week, that an accident 30yrs ago, and subsequent accidents over the years, have produced a brain injury or PCS. Finally we have a diagnosis. Unfortunately it took a year, and a life altering situation with the law to figure it out.
his family takes care of him during the week, so i don't see him all the time, he can't work, can't drive, and has issues with memory, headaches, seizures, blackouts, pain, impulse control, mood swings, you name it.
somedays i love him, and want to stay with him, and help him, and support and understand him, and somedays i want to catch the next train out of here !
i'm not even sure what i forsee for our life ahead, as no matter what i want, i'm not in control of our future, his illness & the courts are, and that just makes the plan for any kind of future, kind of foggy, and unclear.
i'm here if anyone wants to vent, rant, discuss, etc. we need to stick together. sometimes i feel like i'm so alone.

I suffered my TBI 14 months ago in a car accident and also have a paralyzed arm. The hardest part of this situation is being expected to do things with and for my daughter (age 7) that are nearly impossible. My caregiver takes care of the shopping and stuff, but has provided NO emotional support and practically refuses to talk about the situation.I feel desperate, burned out and feel my recovery would be better if he understood things and gave me support. We have no family in our state and that's a big disadvantage. I have a full time babysitter for the summer and I'm still so overwhelmed. I needed to vent.....thanks. Anyone else feel that only their basic physical needs are being met and that's it?

Tracy,

I'm confused. Is your caregiver a hired help or your husband/boyfriend?

It can be difficult to understand the emotional aspects of mTBI. You likely have a different emotional personality too.

Have you expressed specifically what kind of emotional support you need?

Was this person a good source of emotional support before your mTBI?

My best to you.

When to leave
 

Hi, I'm new to this site. My husband of 12 1/2 years is suffering from a TBI after a motorcycle accident 2 years ago. Our marital problems before the accident seem to now be magnified and it has been a crazy roller coaster ride. Less than a year ago, it got so bad that I had decided to leave, an easy decision given the way things were going. He convinced me to stay and the intense anger he had faded away.
Presently, there seems to be no marriage. We are essentially roommates and practically strangers. My attempts to provide emotional support have waned significantly. His focus is on his job, his recovery, and our children. I feel I can no longer wait for his recovery. He asks that I don't hold him accountable for his actions in the past because of the TBI, but when will he be responsible for the way he acts?
I am ready for a separation again, but the situation is completely different. Although, our relationship is limited, I seem to be the only link to the real world outside his job. I can handle the anger he would have if I left, but not the helplessness and depression that he may experience.
I realize that I'll never fully understand what he is going through, but it's good to hear from other spouses of TBI sufferers. We are also in a lonely confused state.

Kim,

You need two things. First, you need to download and print out the TBI Survival Guide at www.tbiguide.com

With it you should sit down with your husband and identify the symptoms he is manifesting. Once you have agreed on these symptoms, he needs to take personal ownership of them. Then, you two need to work on ways to minimize the impact on your marriage and family. Your children will need to be brought into the loop.

Second, you need to find a brain injury support group. Your state brain injury association is usually a good place to go to find the groups in your state. If there is not one nearby, it will be worthwhile to drive a considerable distance to meet with one. We have people who drive 90 minutes each way to come to our group. Hopefully, it will have a "families and caregivers sub-group. "

Seeing how other people and families cope will be a big help.

There is much more than I can say but it would be best if you could give some specifics of your worst struggles first. I can have my wife read your post and see what she can comment.

My best to you.

Hang In There
 

Hello,

Thought I'd chime in here as the wife of a TBI husband to tell other wives to hang in there and that things do get better. A little bit about our situation, back in 2006 my husband (then just my live-together boyfriend) and I were crossing the street in our neighborhood on our way to dinner with a friend when we were struck by a hit-and-run driver. He bore the brunt of the impact, was thrown into the air, hitting the pavement - suffering a TBI and numerous broken bones. I passed out but came to with some broken bones. It took him nearly a month to come out of a coma. Luckily his brain didn't swell enough to require surgery. After over a month at the regular hospital, he transferred to an acute rehab hospital and later to a regular rehab facility.

It was over 5 months before he came home, where he continued with out patient therapy of physical and cognitive therapy. Besides suffering from the classic TBI symptoms of loss of short term memory, balance problem and easy agitation, he has vision issues from optic nerve damage and left neglect of his left arm/hand. He tired easily, couldn't travel, loud noise bothered him. His job as an electrical engineered required a lot of travel, but because he couldn't travel well and had stopped driving, there was no way he could do his old job. Luckily his speech was not affected and his personality was still there. We were also lucky to have supportive family and friends. And we have been able to get by on just one income. We married a little more than a year after the accident. He took classes at a local community college and traveled there by bus. We did/do as much as possible to give him a schedule and to keep him as busy as possible. As he got stronger he started working out with a trainer a couple of days a week. In the last year it's been increased to 3 times a week. This has improved his balanced immeasurably. It helped that at the time of the accident his was in great health and was relatively young.

The best news is that in a week he will be attending a 3 day training session on learning a new program that is related to what he used to do and if that goes well he will start working (probably part-time from home) for his old boss. This 6 years after a life-changing accident. Improvement can occur after 12 mos from a TBI event, maybe not as dramatically, but little by little it DOES add up. Was it hard along the way? Yes, and it continues to be, but there was so much more good that came with the hard stuff.

You are not alone.

Hello. My husband has had TBI for almost 11 months now since our auto accident last November. It was the first bad weather of the season and while on the highway a car tried to pass us on the right in the freezing rain and slid and hit us. Causing us to spin and then roll my husband's direction. He broke the window w/ his elbow and his head got tossed around against the door and frame. He was treated initially (actually 2 days later we found out he had a concussion) for PCS, but was released from treatment. He was off work for almost 2 months and could not drive either. It wasn't until months later I forced him to go to an Ortho doc for his neck/back pain that we discovered all of his PCS symptoms.

Since then he's had the 5-hour neuro/psy test, sees a Brain specialist, and a Neurologist. They put him on antidepressants because his tests showed he was "majorly depressed," which was obvious to me. It was so stressful during this time, but the meds have sure been a lifesaver! They have had to adjust his duties at work and we are more conscious of our surroundings and what will be triggers for him. There was a time that I was so stressed I could hardly stand it. I also am dealing with injuries from the wreck and am still in PT. But I kept my feelings in because I knew his anger and frustration that was being thrown at me, was not really ME. It was during this time I discovered this forum and it helped me tremendously! Just knowing his symptoms were not just HIM and others were experiencing the same thing was so helpful to me.

So thank you for sharing your stories!!

I'm on the TBI side. Was injured in a car accident in July of 2011. I've done a lot of reading, as did the husband, and I'm really lucky that he understands what I'm going through-but he doesn't "know" what I'm going through.
He tries, but like everyone else, you don't see what is wrong and he forgets and gets impatient.
I was home from the hospital a week when my daughter and grandson moved in from out of state. It was nice-I'm still not allowed to drive, but less than a week after the accident, I'm expected to take care of everyone again.
This whole thing just blows.

Tamisue, Have you downloaded the TBI Survival Guide? You need to print it out and let your husband and daughter read it. Highlight the issues that apply to you.

It is at www.tbiguide.com

My best to you.

survival
 

we have the survival guide, and it helped with the parents, and in-laws, they didn't know any of the symptoms, or that these were related to injury, that we didn't know he had sustained, unlike a lot of you who had catastrophic incidents, or injuries, that you felt, and know caused your injuries, we had a number of accidents over years, that no-one diagnosed, and so no one realized the cumulative damages, and changes to personality, and coping skills, and outbursts of rage, etc. were related to brain injury. Suddenly life changed, very much, with another series of concussive hits, he didn't remember until after, but suddenly the emotions were back, worse, and something went really bad. Now its the emotions, i'm having difficulty with, i'm his only contact, he's really isolated, and has lost friends, lives a life of solitude, etc. So every emotion he has, is magnified, and takes its toll. i've done it again, a simple comment, and now we're in a "spin" - there's nothing i can do to get him out of it, if i go visit, he's worse, if i leave him alone to his sulk, i'm "abandoning" him, and it gets worse. i'm just at a loss. the emotions - i find are the hardest to understand, to deal with, and to totally ignore every feeling i have, in order to stay resilient to his emotions, feelings, and totally outrageous outbursts is just killing me. How do you do it? how do you put everything you scream to do, or say, on hold, to protect his feelings, from mis-understanding, and from making life miserable over & over again for you & anyone you come in contact with. i'm just lost.

[QUOTE=Mark in Idaho;812747]Tamisue, Have you downloaded the TBI Survival Guide? You need to print it out and let your husband and daughter read it. Highlight the issues that apply to you.


Mark-

I have read this! It helped, but didn't answer everything. I'm lucky on the husband side-he was pre-med, but still forgets what I'm going thru. I think I will print though for the daughter-good idea. Thank you!

redloui,

I know it is a big struggle. The first problem is him. He needs to accept that his outbursts are the result of the injuries. Then he needs to take ownership of his behavior. He can reduce the likelihood of outbursts.

I know this because I had to do it. I am much better with outbursts now.

It starts with understanding the outburst triggers. Then understanding when these triggers are getting triggered. When he notices the triggers, he needs to excuse himself from the situation. You also need to give him permission to excuse himself.

And, no judgment when he returns, except to commend him for removing himself from the situation. This second part may even need to be avoided. It recalls the trigger situation.

Has he ever tried to explain what kind of support he wants from you? It would be good to ask him directly. Give him plenty of time to answer.

There are lots of little behaviors that need to be ignored completely. Asking "What did you mean by that?" can be a trigger. Yes, you do have to walk on eggshells. In time, you will both learn how to navigate this maze.

Use me or I statements: I don't understand, instead of 'What did you mean by that?'
Can I help you, rather than Let me help you.

Believe me, he knows his shortcomings. He lives with them all day long.

Some of these issues may benefit from some time with a counselor who understands PCS. He would need to be very willing to meet with such a counselor. The both of you meeting with the counselor together would be worthwhile. Often times, personalities need the help of the third party.

My best to you.