terrible day might get fired probation
 

i don'tknow what's goign to happen
bt the other girl called the consultant boss coz yeasterdy my boss and i got into it again and i - having learned that sticking to guns can be key, have doen so... well but it degraded when i did not realize and suddenly he was being aggressive about the software deadline again like implications on my duties etc and i try to keep il lokey with replies like 'well i'm working on your stuff here, i'm not sitting here watching tv' but

afterthe fight

i was shaking from top to bottom.
i put my hands on the desk to stop from being ovious
could not think
furious

i spare you all the inbetweens and the amount of drugs and alcohol i've put down - mostly benzos and alkie in combo at times.

today i was barely past catatonic getting to work. my sleep med makes me feel peaceful , but this morning, i had sobs in my breath.

they "talked to me" today....................

they are going to "talk to my boss" tomorrow................

i actually thought about having a "heart-to-heart" with my boss................... may be risky. but also feels "honest."

i dunno. blatant honesty when not required has gotten me fired in teh past.

sending a zillion hugs
love
bobby

I suggest EAP
 

After having productivity issues in another position, I wouldn't disclose anything because the bottom line is that most bosses don't care to hear it. All they want is for their employees to be able to do their job. I would, however, contact and make an appointment with someone in your Employee Assistance Program. If you work for a large company and have been there for at least a year, you should have FMLA benefits that would cover time off for a chronic illness if needed.

I don't want to sound callous in your situation, but it just sounds really close to what I went through. Sometimes management will work with individuals if they're willing to work through the EAP.

Take care of yourself!

Rhonda

Dear Waves,

Call the pdoc. You can use his help. You do not have to go through this alone.

Take a day off if you can -- so that things calm down a bit.

M.

I agree with Mari,
You need the help from them to keep you being you.
Hugs
di

I am sorry that this happened......
we are here for you....
maybe the zyprexa could help stop some of the impulsivity/conflicts you are having...I don't know, grasping at straws.
people just want to get along, not have conflict.
kill them with kindness....catch more flies with honey...
again I am sorry...
love bizi

I'm so sorry this is happening waves I wish I had advice but I like what the others have offered. ((((((waves)))))) You vent here all you need to.

I'm sorry this is happening, Waves. It sounds like the last thing you need right now.
Since you need your job, please try to do what you can to salvage the situation. I think your idea of having a heart to heart with your boss is a good idea.
Rhonda had some good suggestions, but I don't know if you have FMLA benefits or EAP programs where you are. I agree with her about avoiding disclosure of your BPD. I had an extremely bad experience with disclosing my MS to a former employer.

You aren't stable right now. I agree with Mari that you should contact your pdoc. The zyprexa may help now, as Bizi suggested.

I'm sending you some (((((((HUGE HUGS))))))
and hope that this situation works out well.

Hang in there!
Kay

I can't keep thinking about you Waves. I'm so worried I keep tearing up. Seriously.
I really, really, really hope that everything turns out okay.

Kay

http://dl9.glitter-graphics.net/pub/...a2mr65l8bp.gif

your posts were so comforting to me.
i runaround and don't get much read-time. and felt better thanks and kay was very touched. and i will do my best to follow suggestiongs and stuch.

i sent a pdoc a message saying i need a consult, pref in person.

i have an appointment for next wednesday at "worst"
but i was wanting to tlak to him anyway
i need some advice
if these ppl are ging to dump me
i need to look for a job - fast

(while i am still employed)

i don't think the zyprexa unless for my boss served as a suppository foil included.

~ waves ~

Glad you posted waves, I've been sending you good and postive thoughts all day, hoping that you kept the job. I hope it works out but if not there's other jobs out there and surely one will work out better then this one has. Hang in there! :grouphug:

thank you rhonda. i appreciate your sharing i am sure many can benefit from your knowledge.

i am far away, different system i am afraid, but we too have analogous types of programs, and i will try to get informed in the way of what sort of labor protection there is for this... 'fraid not much unless you're a permanent hire, i'm body rented consult just at 3 months there, discontinuous work history before that for extended period.


i am going to look into teaching again.

you didn' sound callous :hug: :)

i did put out feelers about teaching you never know... someone who is connected to a school. she has a degree in psychology. we have been taking. i want to read what she has written on narcissism. i think i have narcissistic areas in my way of being. i think my boss has high traits. he weasels about like a cat 'round a mous then when yer not lookin he sends a left hook in.

hook, or a claw, right to the jugular.

~ waves ~

thank you for posting.
I surely dislike your boss.
What about the big boss?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

dear bizi

thank you. i will try to explain. but if you don't understand don't worry. it is hard to explain it right. and it might make your heaspin so siddown. :Head-Spin:

i have a contract with company A through end june. they rented my services to company B (without whom, company A doesn't want a hire) who similarly rented my services to company C. my boss that you don't like is a guy at company C. if he doesn't want a person he can tell them get me someone else. if they can't convince him otherwise, they will get him someone else and give me a month's notice (that's what my contract says i'm due).

my contract btw is only cross-signed, not full-signed which is weird - he said so he didn't have to register it? but he's withholding taxes... and goes through the other guy.... so i don't think it could be a fraud thing . i thinki better check that out..... now i'm owwrried.

but if he left me home from one day to the next i dount id' have much recourse. not that wouldn't cost me 5 x the worth. he alrady shorted me on december... made me think sick was not deducted even if we were using a temporary contractual form, instead - he deducted it. that is company A guy, but this the same guy that kept calling me to go interview places when nobody else called. company B guy (the boogie woogie bugle boy) seems pretty bottom line oriented but not to throwing someone who is doing their job ok at the whim of a client - i think he would probably try to place me elsewhere in the company. but my cactus-hold boss knows a lotta bigwigs in there. if he wants me out i'm out, pretty sure, not postive.

~ waves ~

thanks Pam it was a hard weeklast week and that's how it's going in...

but risotto dude might make me another risotto soon, so hey, ya know. and my mom cooks and leaves it out for me and i sometimes eat that when i get home... can be very nice.

trying to think of nice things. my daytime is so horrid. i can't get my mind to do pretty things the past two days. i mean most ppl wouldn't find rain pretty but wheni was manic it used to - i guess it's different everytime, it's been awhile. mind you i do feel the rain more. i am feeling more cold. my sleep medicine is partly doing that... until i get used to that effect it will also act as a slower-downer but that will wear out.

i am not going to take zyprexa. before it was if maybe but i had lost a bunch of weight now i've gained it ALL back and maybe a pound or two more - it has been really hard to lose, it has caused me to lose decent eating habits, so no, i do not want to go there from here. and my pdco knows it even if i wer inpatient i don't think he would dot hat to me. he has never been a great one with doses. but depakote makes me stupid after a while. i hated that. i felt even more stupid because i felt stupid cos it wasn't my fault it was the stupid drug and there i felt stupid and that was stupid, so i was stupid anyway.

stupid is as stupid does.

it is a national holiday tomorrow that i didn't know about. i am relieved.

i did call my pdoc and said i needed a consult but i think it will be wednesday, sigh. i did tell my pdoc my bosses were debating my continued presence there, so, he knows. the poor guy just had kidney stones so i missed the other nights appointment cos of that. i was so upset. i rang a neighbor to let me in and go and bang on his door. erhhm. :rolleyes: he wasn't there. he was otherwise occupied at home... unbeknownst to me, having kidneystones. :(

this has been a ravaging week. pdoc sms'd me twice the day he didn't come. but inever saw it, coz that day, i left my cellphone at home. that night, saw messages. had insufficient credit.... to send a friggin text message saying thank you i hope you feel better!!!!!!!

my boss had to explain some thing to me . i had a break first. i was better when i left work - miserable all morning. much better when i left.

i don't know if it's just reaction finally processed or more cycling.my first pdoc used to put it another way after he set me off with paxil he said you rapid cylce so fast you land in mixed states.

i wasn't last week but i think it happsn. doesn't happen at regular intervals. it hasn't happend in all of my episodes either. it is not good. yes i *know* the zyprexa would help but there are other things.... i can retry trileptal, something to help the depakote.

it's also spring, and what goes up myst come down. spring is prime time for me to depress and perhaps this "instability" is not cycling but just me tripping over myself as i go crashing into the abyss of depression?

Wow waves I managed to follow the post to Bizi, that sounds like a lot of red tape regardless of which company actually signs your paycheck. I like the idea of you teaching, I bet that would work out nicely for you. I hope it happens! :D

Dear Waves,I don't know what to say.
Know that I want you to be ok.

M.

Thank you Pam.

i think i will need to seriously use the info i had gathered, gather more and go forward.... i see current door closing ... better start knocking on others even if that means fighting a bit less to keep it open. it isn't a situation i can fight much anyway. i think it's personality conflict and he's using performance because that's how he can get me out - if he appealed to personality conflict, they'd laugh at him not fire me, he's known for being erratic and difficult.

he can get away with performance coz no-one is there except me when he contradicts himself, or refuses to answer questions, or wastes my time in pompous digression or... i could go on, thing is, because of being "drizzled" information, and sometimes wrong info, i have to do and redo and redo things and it looks like i am going backwards.

Dear Mari

you have been my guiding light in taking my pills at night. at some point you said to me do me a favor whatever you do take your pills. so, i have been having the thought at night, "Mari said take my pills, i must take pills for Mari" lol so thankyou - you elevated the importance / stickiness for me somehow. or maybe made it into a personal thing... like with a positive emotional charge to it. thank you.

i actually had a couple brief spells during recent times of feeling flat, not med induced, and it was very strange. it was like i was stunned. couldn't connect, couldn't feel much. felt awkward/uncomfortable/shifty - disoriented. i don't know what it is or why it happens.

i might try increasing the depakote to 1150 or 1250.

~ waves ~ sorry if i overwhelmed with postings off to do painter preparedness stuff now

Dear Waves,

I appreciate your note.

Good luck with your day.

Keep holding on.

M.

That stinks, but he probably knows he can get away with it because no one else is there when he's refusing to offer you guidance. Keeping my fingers crossed that a new and better door appears soon and opens with friendly and cool people behind it ready to start a new chapter for your life. I am glad you're still taking your meds, I know sometimes it seems like they aren't helping but they probably are, it's just the situational nonsense is more overwhelming then they can help you normalize. Hang in there!

Pam and Mari
 

thank you both. :hug::hug::hug: mood is wavering today.... switch from melancholy to angry or a blend. so i appreciate your both stopping by on me. i have been posting so selfishly lately too. i am trying to catch up a bit. today is a holiday i will try to make the rounds a little. :) (specially now that i'm kinda not like doing a brainsurf thing any more.)

do not have the high energy any more. i feel pretty "normalish" today as that goes. my brain races sometimes but not always. i haven't hadn the blocking spells. or the language fusion spells either in a bit. (i speak several languages and i was having these spells, esp in big crowds like in a commute, where, i couldn't "tell" what lnaguage was being spone around me - not focus on one or another or mentally assume.... result - all i could hear were bunches and bunches of people blabbering senseless syllables all around me. brief spells, but very weird.

i just dosed out might meds higher. looks like i might have to "put them back" whatever. it might be better taking more during the week though - Depakote is one of the better drugs for handling mixed sx or rapid cycling, whichever it is.

:hug::hug::hug:

Hi waves
 

Hi waves, You are one of the people I missed while off line. Hope you are doing better today. I just came back on line and found your post. Sorry things have been difficult for you. It has been that way for me too. Hope all is better today for you. Your job is important I know, but so are you. I hope some good and kind people will enter your life and make life at work easier. ginnie

[QUOTE=waves;753754]
do not have the high energy any more. i feel pretty "normalish" today as that goes.
QUOTE]

Dear Waves,
Your "normalish" days sound so rough.

If you can figure out a way to tweak the meds to help, do that. Taking them is a means to an end.

More hugs. :grouphug:
:hug: :hug: :hug:

M.

med and just... more thoughts..
 

Dear Mari,

maybe the increase will help and i should try it. i dosed out the depakote at 1200mg for 4 days (up from 1000).

i am tense about work even from home, so i think i will do think that, basically through Tue night, and i see my pdoc wednesday. so hard to know what to do. my pdoc is not famous for his med-tweaking knack.

i don't know if i can cut out the drinking at lunch. it's been every day or close a lot. i try. but i give in. and i don't know about here, but where i used to work that was breach of contract just being intoxicated on the premises - they wouldn't even have to pay me to leave. yet.... i do it.

i don't know how to argue for it keeping my afternoons sane but lets say that i am to the point of exploding in the morning.

today i have even considered the thought of receding myself. i don't want to end up unemployed again though. but i would be switching area this time anyway.

boss was 'apparently' pleasant friday afternoon. i hate the thought of the twists behind the appearance.

~ waves ~

i just took all of my evening beds
 

and now am sort of gathering for battle as i see it - tomorrow.
i will expect peace, find peace, and then *BOOM*

the man will say something to make the glass house shatter. ahaaaa the superbiaaaaaa and yet i cannot leave it alone can i as i am not innocent.

so there you have it.


:( i need to find another job. :(

i've been fishing out and finishng up documents for sending out for stuff for teaching. i have the weekend i can work on that. there's not much else here of mine and can send to the cellar that isn't ready to go whne he wants to come paint.

so. sometimes i wish i lived in an unpainted wooden shack woodside. the bugs would bug me a bit and bite too but i'd love the smells and sounds.

~ waves ~

Hey waves...

You are so right... I say the same thing more than once every week... (or day !) I wish I could just live ! instead of deal, think, work, stress you know... ? I wish I could live in a black hole and just do... nothing ! eat maybe... listen to music maybe... but dealing with jobs, people is too hard for me 90% of the time... Then I take a deep breathe and realize I have to keep "fighting" you know... we are here... that's it. Have you read the sisyphus myth ?? we are just like that... living ok ? If we have a better day, great, if we have bad days, they will be over soon... but life is just normal... sometimes I guess I just waste too much energy trying to be happy or even normal LOL and keep dealing with all the things I hate but I must just live.... Does that make sense ?? :rolleyes:

Also, hun, always remember, things happen for a reason and in the right moment.... So, if you need to find another job... well, that's because that's the best thing you need right now :)

Hang in there. I leave you so much love and hugs ! :hug:

Dear Waves,
I hope you are safe and sound at home sleeping.
I wish for you a nice weekend, stress free and full of rest.
I want for you some peacefulness....
love bizi

i hate to post this but the drinking sounds likea real problem. have you discussed it with your pdoc? I am going to hate myself for writing this post.
love
bobby please forgive me

If you hadn't posted it bobby, I would have, someone had to mention it. :( I am worried about you waves, I hope you're able to get it under control, NO job is worth doing that to yourself. This was the first mention I've seen of the daytime drinking, but I know that must have taken a LOT of courage on your part to own up to, so you do acknowledge that there is a problem, just know that we LOVE YOU and want the best for you so please keep us posted and please talk to pdoc about it, this comes from love and I hope you don't get angry about bobby and I posting about it. She and I are just afraid you're getting into trouble with it. :grouphug:

hi
i am not frank about alcohol to my parents - it worries them, but i answer direct questions truthfully, and sometimes drink at home.

i do not like to talk about it on forum but occasional mentions keeps the picture straight for you guys. thanks for cautioning me... but also don't worry....

pdoc knows all the gory details.

~ waves ~

know that we love you and are just concerned.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Okay that's all I needed to know waves, thank you for your candid honesty. I still am worried though about this job situation, I hope you're able to score a teaching gig soon. :D Big hugs to you waves!~ :grouphug:

pdoc agreed about the increase in depakote from 1000 to 1200, and says to go up again to 1500 on wednesday.

if that doesn't settle things i might try a lithium + depakote balanced. have to ask him about that. lithium has worked before in combination.

but i won't do lithium if they won't draw labs regularly and the stupid state has stuid laws about stupid (in)frequency for that stuff.

but it sure seems like a lot of stufff!!!! :(:( i've never been at 1200mg depakote before let alone 1500!!! :eek::eek:

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
Take the Depokote as he suggests. We want you well.
Two days of the raised dose this weekend will be good for you.

How about more of the benzo? Esp. for the am when you seem to be most wired up about the boss? Actually, I wonder if I am right? Are you more likely to have bad encounters with him in the am or pm. Or maybe take the short acting benzo just before lunch. (Anyway, you can figure out the timing --- I'm throwing that out there to remind you of your med options.

Be well. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Be safe. :) :confused: :hug:

M.

I'm thinking of you Waves... :hug:

i feel relieved
love
bobby

can't change others
 

I'm new here, so I don't know if I should be giving any kind of advice to anyone, but I'm just sharing.
One thing I've learned is that you can't change how other people act, only how you react to them. If you have a medical condition, medical or mental that you are getting treatment for, and it affects your mood, then in most cases you should be all right as long as you let HR know you are in treatment for your disorder and it has ramifications to your mood, or the meds do. Of course, this depends on the size of the company as small companies are exempt from some of the rules that apply to larger ones.
I've found that when I was working, saying that "yes, I'm working on this, this, and that, which would you prefer me to prioritize first" may help. Also, the deep breathing also helps but I don't know how it would affect you.

hi steve,
welcome.
does your ambien help with your insomnia?

bizi