Can you?
 

Can you not want to live but not be suicidal? Is this possible or am I just super screwed up?

I suppose you can dnserror but I call that depression. :hug:

"Touched by Suicide. Hope and Healing After Loss"

by Michael Myers, and Carla Fine is a great book and I wanted to quote something from it.

"People who have been plagued with suicidal thinking, or who have tried to kill themselves and are now well, believe that they have been given a second chance. They are grateful to be alive, and feel that their lives have more significance and purpose. Many emerge from their ordeals with special insights; having been in that awful place, they know both the terror and the allure of wanting to end your own life.

We have much to learn from survivors of suicide attempts, whether we are survivors of a loved one's suicide, clinicians, researchers, or everyday citizens. Individuals who have attempted to take their lives can help us make sense of the life and death of a family member, a friend, a colleague, and show us ways to seek clarity and definition after suicide has touched our lives. By fighting to eradicate the stigma of self-inflicted death, we can start to bring about wholesome dialogue as well as more effective prevention. Above all, we will be able to save lives.

not sure if it is depression... more like stuck in a bad place... hard to explain... in a nutshell I am a "survivor of suicide" x2 and yet I have a family, would not be fair to hurt them like mine hurt me...

It's OK
 

I think its OK to not want to live but not be suicidal. The world can be a cruel place so it is understandable to have these feelings.

My mother used to wish that there was no afterlife so she would not have to continue living. Asked if she believed in hell she replied that she thought Earth was hell.

My only advice is to hang out with people who don't stress you out. People are what make life more enjoyable when times are tough. Be very selective. I guess you are since you found us.

I hope there is no afterlife too... One of the few friends I still see is indian and believes in reincarnation, sound like the ultimate punishment... would not want to do this twice or more..

I'm glad your suicide attempts failed dnserror (wish we had a name for you instead of dnserror) and I'm sorry you are stuck in such a bad place...I'm just not sure you want to try to change it. :hug:

Lonely1 surely can identify with you as he also seems to be "treading water"....both of you, please...as Nikki used to say...keep swimming!

The x2 was not mine.. was my family (although I have come close without really trying, no fear as they say), which is why the other thread hit a nerve there... There is a bit more to the story than this, and I'm not sure I can change...keep feeling stuck, caused by myself I know, not easy to change..

I call that suicidal ideation. Not having a plan, but just not wanting to live. Been there many times. I've said it to my doctor and therapist before and they call it that. Maybe you have a combination of PTSD, from whatever it is you experienced in your family before, leading to depression.

Post trauma can do so many things to a soul and body.

suicidal thoughts

And DO check out the link in Ms. Alffe's signature line. ♥

smart stuff Doody! Many times, more than I care to recall, I have wished I were dead. Michael took that choice away from me by killing himself. I'd never put the people I love through that again. ~sigh~

I know you have ((Ms. Alffe)).

But yea, I thought that was a pretty good link. Read it all the way through myself.

I wonder if our friend dns can see any of himself in that link.

And you have no idea how many times I have gone back to read the link in your signature line. :hug:

Suicide has so many layers for those who are left behind...we have the anger (mine was raging at God) but I was VERY angry at Michael for making that choice, and the guilt..mothers aren't supposed to bury their children...we are supposed to protect them, and I shopped around for someone to blame (his financee..his ex...God again) It took years to sort it all out and arrive at acceptance.

When I reread this post I am reminded of someone at the meeting last Tues. night who had such an emotional reaction to my using the word "choice"..I said to me it was the ultimate F you...that he would choose death over life. She sobbed, "some people who suicide feel like they have no choice. :( And she is right..I'll be more careful next time, more specific..that I was talking about Michael choosing.

This is the is the problem... it is the ultimate hurt (I think you know this), hurt me real bad... so how could I do this to someone else? Yet I was the only ******* in the family that got married... so now I'm stuck in the middle..
Maybe I am depressed, or maybe i'm angry...but I'm tired of hurting these days.. physically hurting(didn't see too much on that in the article), from a stupid nerve issue, that (amusingly) is not fatal. go figure...

ds..how long has it been since their deaths? Do you have any support besides your Indian friend? Have you ever tried a support group? They known what you are feeling because they are or have been there. All the things you are feeling...well, I don't know about physically hurting..are normal. The pain is crushing. (((ds))) :grouphug:

17 years and 1 year.. I really don't hang out with my friends much anymore, basicly don't do much of anything anymore.. have not tried a support group, not usually a talker, kind of like being quiet and not seen,

So many of us turn to ourselves. Be a good friend to you. Do you have any hobbies? That is sometimes a way to get out more. Me, I have my yoga class and I love my garden. My little sunflower seedlings are popped up and the tomatos are gobbling up the sun. I have never heard my tomatoes say a bad thing about me.

Sometimes I fish if I feel up to it.. depends how I feel... fish don't say bad things either, but I bet they think it...

It is, Both the mental and physical.. Always thought I was stronger than that, was gonna do better, was gonna grow up and have a better life, like I dreamed of... Now I just hurt, got enough pain meds to have a block party, tired of them, don't want anymore. To feel somewhat decent means no energy to do anything, even if I wanted to. Fail :Sigh: :Sigh:

Fish can think?? Hmmmmmmmmm:D I don't know your dx dns but if you are on heavy duty pain meds I know you have something "awful". People who have to live daily with pain are imho, very courageous just to rise each morning and face another day. Now throw in surviving a loved ones suicide and you have all the ingredients for severe depression.

Depression won't go away.not by itself..and depression caused by grief is a monster....come to think of it, I have a handout that I've used at our support group about that monster..will look for it and post it if I find it. :grouphug:

I wish our David would come and "talk" to you...you'd like him.

((dns)) I don't think you are a failure. You've just convinced yourself that you are. Have you ever looked for a good therapist? A good one is worth his/her weight in gold. :grouphug:

Not sure if they can think abstactly like that, but I used to fish alotttt :o ... and when you see a trout come within inches of a fly that you know you tied perfectly and refuse it, or follow a spinner for 20 feet and not bite it, you realize they are not totally stupid... so maybe I've been cursed up, down, and sideways and not realised it.. (although i have been bitten if that counts, not by a trout though)

Who is David?

If it was legal I would be all over it. I'm waiting for surgery and am in the world of pain...I would be willing to try it if it was legal!! Hope something will help all of soon...:hug:

http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/j...Stuff/Weed.gif

Tammy :hug: ... can you move ? .... I mean, seriously... there are places where it isn't so darn stigmatized... where you'd given the freedom to chose an opportunity to give it a trial...

It seems so damn unfair to me... and perhaps this isn't the time/place to hop on my :Soapbox: .... but...

in many ways... this is the place to say and be reminded... Physical and Mental pain go Hand in Hand... they circle around and around... bringing each other down...

It just seems unfair to me that we can't be given every chance to try something. If someone tells us we can have a glass or two of wine (to help then our blood, help our heart... whatever)... we can freely choose to try it.

Tammy :hug:

dsnerror... I like that you know fish well!

If you have a "goal" that has been the driving point for as long as you remember, since you were in grade school, and you are now at the point where you have to admit you cannot achieve that goal, then that = fail. Good or bad, it is real. Sometimes real wins, Will I get over it? probably. Don't have too much choice, boxed myself in. Just hard to admit it, harder still to accept it. :Sigh:

Hi Tamiloo, It is unfair like Addy says, I know. Unfortunately the people who make it illegal often have no clue. Even I never realized how bad a person could hurt and still live. I feel you, trust me. I hope your surgery comes soon and goes well.. I love the smiley faces there.. cracked me up:)
Hi Addy.. I used to fish alot, like keep your rods in the truck and fish on the way to work alot... Still do it if I feel up to it.. started many years ago and slowly turned into less of "catch a fish" into "why does this work? why do fish like this? " After time you get curious as to what makes them "tick" i guess. I tie my own flies and make my own lures, so I am not stuck using some mass produced stuff and can experiment and play around. some work and some don't

I can agree with that... gotta be there to appreciate it I guess :( Who could blame a person?

Tami..I had to read your post twice before I "got it"...We are talking marijuana here..right? I think medical marijuana should be legalized and soon...it helps so many people who suffer with chronic pain...I won't name any names here but you know who you are. :hug:

I'm praying that this surgery with bring you some much needed relief. :hug:

Don't do anything stupid my friend. David (DMACK) he calls himself is a dear man who has helped many people here...he also struggles with demons...have you read Pters wise words that are stickied at the top??? :grouphug:

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread5351.html

***********************************

Not doing anything... actually being semi-productive today...

I did read that...

Marijuana also helps some with their mental pain... more than most have any idea...

just sayin' ....

:Melting 2:

A lot of us can understand both the physical and emotional pain as well. Chronic pain can drive you to your limits for sure. There is a web site that helps you find medical marijuana doctors but unfortunately Utah has none. Same here with Iowa.

An acquaintance of mine in Colorado found a medical marijuana doctor and received her medical marijuana card and from what I hear it is very high quality as well. It helps her with her back pain from severe injuries in a car accident.

Well, gosh though. We could all go downtown to a few bars, get drunk to ease the pain, and then drive home and gobble pain pills. That's legal. God forbid we smoke something that's been used for thousands of years. :mad: The history of marijuana is very interesting, most especially the racism aspect.

http://www.drugwarrant.com/articles/...juana-illegal/

Sorry, the whole thing just makes me so mad. :p We should get back to our friend dns. :hug:

Interesting article in the LA Times today. The twin journeys of chronic pain and depression

By using it I would be giving up so much...I just wish it would get legalized!

http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/j...rebackpain.jpg

[QUOTE=tamiloo;759061]By using it I would be giving up so much...I just wish it would get legalized!

What would you be giving up?

Hopefully they will legalize it then... Kind of overdue I think...

As long as we're on that topic, but certainly not forgetting ((dns)) original thoughts, a NeuroTalk friend just posted this today on FaceBook. It's an interview with Montel Williams who is battling multiple sclerosis and is an advocate for legalization for medical marijuana. I like his point that he can get opioids and other drugs from his doctors. (Although we all know there are doctors out there who won't even prescribe opioid pain meds more and more.)

Oh, and what is up with cigarettes being legal? The detriment of smoking has been proven, yet we can go out and buy all of that we want. Hmmm, of course it has nothing to do with the huge tobacco industry, I'm sure. :rolleyes:

Anyway...here's that link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFzcJ...layer_embedded

(((dns))) I hope you see how much the folks here care about how you are feeling. Thank you for continuing to let us in just a bit. :grouphug:

Valid point.. got plenty of those.. (would probably be in rehab for 30 billion years if I decided to stop), but can't smoke a joint, but can smoke a marlboro... and chase it all with a bottle of jack.. crazy world in a way... The doctor office girl and I have discussed this before, many times..

I heard an interesting statistic on a news program yesterday - apparently 6 out of 10 kids who have parents in jail end up in jail themselves one day.

All this shows how difficult it is to change learned behaviours.... and perhaps that is why the cycle of suicide might continue....

:grouphug:

:(:(:(:(:(