failed to 'seem ok' at work.... badly
 

specifically i broke that rule that says 'never let them see you cry'.

i cried uninterruptedly all friday afternoon.

friday afternoon, after a very tenuous morning and crying at lunch time, i had to run a DB operation which caused a big mess and long story short after my boss was done 'explaining' to me why it should have been obvious (but wasn't, to me) i erupted into tears and did not stop all afternoon and till i was almost home.

i wasn't sobbing loudly or anything but after a few attempts at explaining my reasons and being verbally flipped off, there came a tidal wave... eyes, nose, you name it... every now and then i had to talk to the boss coz at some point he quit jabbing at me and started trying to fix the problem - perhaps after realizing i had lost it? or that fresh jabs produced fresh tsunamis but no productivity on my part?

among the bigger things that i said during the course of the afternoon were:

- i feel like i can't do a single thing right in this place.

i am certain the colleagues in adjacent offices could tell i was crying even though i was not bawling loudly... it lasted long enough. i had no tissue and had to go to the bathroom too - i looked awful.

i am terrified of going to work tomorrow.

now to see WHAT he tells the coordinator monday, and if she needs to let into me for half of monday morning about it too, or what. it still needs to be fixed, so this isn't the end of it. :(

pdoc says this place is hostile. he reduced my depakote as he said i don't seem on an upswing any more but neither of us attribute the 'errors' to the depakote - the 'issues' i am having aren't silly concentration type things. and fwiw, i was MUCH making more of those before when i was manic, for that matter.

i am terrified of going to work tomorrow.

~ waves ~ who cries on the way home 3-4 days of the week, at lunch time 2-4 days. not one of the "noble" ones right now, Donna.

Dear Waves,
Your pdoc gets it.

How are the weekends when you are away from that place? Do you feel like crying in general? Or only related to the boss?


Sorry that Friday was bad and that all the others days are bad.

M.

i am so sorry...it sounds as if you are going through h@ll. can you tell yourself it isn't worth it . i bet you can't. sending hugs
love
bobby

I am sorry waves that you are having such a hard time right now. I wish it were easier for you and I am hoping that monday will not be so bad....I hope you can rest tonight and not worry about monday morning.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

yeah he said don't be a hero if it gets unbearable walk away even if it costs money... on the other hand he said, if i can manage to get to end of contract it it might give me a boost - a sense of achievement. that's true too. i keep saying if i can do one 1 month i can finish the contract (end June).it's totally about and at work. actually home is better than it was perhaps because i can medicate, but it is a relief to be with the folks - feels safe.[/QUOTE]

thanks Bobby

you're right i feel like i'd be quitting where so many don't ... it's not worth the money it's not that though, i do know that. it's more that it's harder to move from no job to job. my folks want me to try to work with my first contractor and stay employed with a different end client if possible.... that's probably the most sensible thing too.

i was very upset and ruminative about this all weekend couldn't even post about it. now i am trying to find some sort of angle that can help me pass the minutes hours days weeks interactions and ignoractions.

the best i could do - last night the Bones episode was when they found the slave ship - was remind myself i have the freedom to choose and i am getting paid. i may be treated unkindly and somewhat unfairly and possibly end up scapegoated, but it isn't about me. i'm doing the best i can, because that is about me, and i might learn if i do things in earnest.

i would want to stop, stop working, and be more active with the epilepsy center, and look for schools now that i have the resumes done, and/or training.

but i think that is idealistic... who wouldn't want to take a vacation. also, keeping working will probably keep me workable.

~ waves ~

Have you given up on looking for a teaching job? I really hope things get easier for you soon waves, you have put a lot into this temp job and it seems like it gets blown back in your face. :( If you need to vent we're here! :grouphug:

Dear waves,
Please remember, you do have a choice here.
You can quit.
It sounds like they are abusing you and you are putting up with it.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Is it really worth it?
bizi

no i haven't but i haven' tbeen on top of things didnt help parents computer crashed and having inside paintedd.... been busy at home as well, i got one resume to a professor ... she gave copies to her friends lol i dunno...

thank you. i will try. i have finally stopped obsessing. i hope the query i left running didn't get stuck, and that my boss just decides there was no 'damage' and lets me continue....... i am trying to think up uneventful scenarios.... sigh, you know, to contrast the many ugly ones which have bombarded me. :(

it is a relief that my mood is not so jagged any more i really was out of familiar ground. not that things are great now, but i was having spells with language turning jibberish and total mood lability.

and it's not real depression, or i'd be depressed at home - i'm not. i'm worn out, especially mentally and worried, but i'd say that is pretty normal given my situation. i'm more ruminative than most... that's less normal. i am always having to work on that.
i was thinking about that, i mean it's not like i am a slave and i should be thankful and use my power to choose. but in the balance is the whole "having a job" bit, and with lots of gaps at your shoulders it looks really bad.

'if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice' - Rush

~ waves ~

Waves

Even in my job were I love it. I have had days were I have cried
and cried too. I know its not the same. But sure wasn't easy to
see the same group of people months later.

For me that was what it was. Not just a weekend.

So please hang in there.

Donna:grouphug:

I think that sounds like something I would want to hear. Plus it gives two options that are okay by pdoc standards.

Oh Waves, I wish I could give you as good an answer, but what ever happens tomorrow, we are with you in supportive caring thoughts.

It really was a crisis you made through, but if the hurdles are getting too high, no one feels good falling down and and hurting. Even if you did not have cycles, it could be happening to anyone, and that anyone would feel just like you do now, or else they would be hardened.
You are sweet, and like to please people.

Working were you feel it is hostile, and it seems it is for sure.....makes for a crappy job even too "Lady Diana". A princess with all that pressure and she just wanted to be appreciated and not dictated.
Your a real Lady.

Hi Donna and Di and thank you both.

this morning i had a migraine and anxiety. duh what a surpirse. decided to go in late after things abated. it got very late.

I thought about what i did that first ran amuck, and am convinced it could not have caused any damage at all to the data, so i don't feel that sense of responsibility to show up today to at least be party to fixing things.

also the witchcoordinator is coming today or tomorrow (for a bug-review session). i wanted to avoid a blended showdown of everything with her involved.

-------------------------------------------

i just CALLED my boss. said my migraine is still going (true) and the meds stopped working so i would stay home today.

then i asked him about friday's incident, and whether the DB was ok. he said it was fine. i said ok, i guess i just need to learn to do certain things a certain way, huh, and he said, oh, nothing happened. Don't worrry, nothing happened, and chuckled.

so he is calling it water under the bridge. i am relieved - means i don't have to deal with him about it, in person.

but there is no mistaking this for kindness. more likely, nothing about the incident impacts him any more, so he can't be bothered about it now.

i do feel a little less terror about work tomorrow after having broached the subject with him. BUT. it is not like nothing happned, not to me. and i can't deal with these 'nothings' that happen and they do happen, and i still have to deal.

right now i am a mess and still taking migraine pills and lorazepam today.

~ waves ~ taking the day off.

thanks Donna,

i'm sorry about that. a whole group can be very intimidating. in this case yes it is different it is also 3-4 times a week and the rest of the time i'm still struggling... i fight tears a lot, before i get out. sometimes i cry at lunch time. it is really way too much.
----------------------

thank you. yes i think he was trying not to put pressure on me, but also remind me that if i did have the strength to get through, it would not go unrewarded. it is helpful to think of both alternatives. i'm supposed to give a month's notice but if i feel i can't continue, i think i will give 2 weeks notice - that "should" basically mean i work for free for 2 weeks... better than having to PAY them a month of GROSS earnings, where the taxes have already been paid to the state, i don't know if it works that way. we are 1/3 way through april. 8/9 of the way through to end of contract.

yeah, that other woman in there, the witch coordinator, acts hardened. i wonder if someone without cycles could manage better in there. my boss does have a reputation as a looney - my predecessor left because he was denied a transfer to another group, away from my boss.

but the witchwoman does not... at least i have not talked to ppl who have worked with her.

it is hard, my boss and the witch are the only two ppl in my office, and they won't even exchange pleasantries with me, even if they are goofing off and 'shooting the ... manure' themselves. if i reply to something they say, they play deaf or otherwise refuse to engage. then i feel invisible. it is hard to feel so invisible all day. does anyone remember the buffy episode where there was the girl noone ever noticed and she started to become physically invisible and then frighten ppl?

well my goodness i can be mean too, but i am not a mean person in a profound way. overall i do like ppl around me to be happy and to help if i can. and if i have to do something as part of my job i do put my heart in it and care what the result will be.

thanks Di.... and hat's off to Lady Di (you know who you are ;))

~ waves ~ my thinking cap goes on and off... regarding how to go about the teaching search, maybe for interim jobs. i feel so relieved i can stay home today.

Far from being a sign of weakness, weeping is a natural expression of strong emotion.
 

I couldn't help but feel for you and after trying to think of what to say... I just decided to write something. Crying does seem to help relieve emotional stresses, such as grief and sorrow. The Bible contains numerous examples of men and women—including Jesus Christ himself—who shed tears. (Luke 19:41; John 11:33-35) So in coping with such emotional stresses as grief, a helpful piece of advice may be: Don’t hold back those tears!
Why are you so distressed?

Although there is “a time to weep and a time to laugh,” who does not prefer the latter to the former? (Ecclesiastes 3:4) Sad to say, we live in a world that primarily gives us reasons for weeping. Depressing news dominates the media.
I look forward to when all forms of sickness and suffering, as well as even death itself, will cease to be!!! (Isaiah 33:24; Revelation 21:3,*4)
That helps me in times of sadness... I hope it can you too :)

it is kind of you, thank you.yes indeed. cultural and social expectations i suppose. some display of crying is normal but let's just say if we we in a boat with me crying we'd have sunk it by now?

long term unemployment, no retirement basics, ehhhh....

Thank you. i will try... :)

welcome to the boards! (((hugs)))

~ waves ~

thank goodness you still have your sense of humor
love
bobby hoping you are feeling better and glad you didn't go to work...

It sounds like a very foul workplace, Waves :hug::hug::hug:

I hope they let up a bit, so it's easier for you to finish your contract.

I'm sorry this job is giving you so much pain, but I admire all your perseverance through all of it!

glad that you were home today even if it had to be a migraine that kept you home. sorry about that.
((((((((hugs)))))))
bizi

Waves

In my opinion you are some really special woman. I'm so proud of you.

I don't know very many people that could handle even half of what you
have already handle in this job.

I think you are doing a great job. Donna:grouphug:

LOL, I walked into that one....did not sink in until you mentioned and related it.
waves, you are a special intuitive person, that needs to be appreciated more and know it.
I am glad the ice is broken from the incident at work and that you can breath easier now.
Have a better Tuesday then Friday.
hugs
di

Waves,
This is hard to read about.
I cannot imagine what you are going through.
M.

I hope you don't have another migraine today waves, been thinking about you hoping you feel better despite the hostile work environment you're stuck in currently. Though to be honest like I think bizi said you can quit. If things don't improve I probably would. Big hugs to you waves! :grouphug:

Crying comes from the deep,deep,deep heart. It's a very deep emotional event. Some of the crys can be suppressed,and some cannot be. There is a reason why we cry. We don't fully know the reasons.

God knows how many tears we have cried. Psalm 34:18 says,"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,And saves such as have a contrite spirit. (NKJV)
BF:hug::hug::hug:

I don't know how you are doing it either.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((waves))))))))))))))))))) )))
love you
bizi

Hoping for a update soon.

Donna:grouphug:

maybe she will post something over the weekend.....
((((((((((((((waves))))))))))))))))
bizi

for now, i can say this week was easier... but it got quite weird. will squeeze more in later as to the weirdness.

i did have to eat a lot of lorazepam tuesday, for the re-entry, and wednesday. thursday and friday were a breeze coz i had hardly anything to do. thursday i was all alone in the office, and friday only my boss there but little interaction and he had trouble keeping me busy. i had to wrack my brains for little useful things to do... one step shy of having to sit there and file my nails... :eek::o

i did have the verge-of-tears thing happen to me out of nowhere at work, even without being set off by anything (that i could identify anyway).

thank you all so much for your wonderful messages... i have been so tired, from time to time i've pulled up the forum and seen one or two added but this week is a mess at home too so i come here meaning to reply and end up falling asleep infront of the computer. :rolleyes:

:grouphug:

~ waves ~

thank you for checking back in with us....bizi

Waves
Just seeing that things are better. We are happy.

We think highly of you.

Donna:grouphug:

Waves...I am sorry for your situation. I remember so well the days of my cryingin my cube at work. It took nothing for me to be in tears. I no longer work.
I hope things continue to get better!
Huggs!

Sigh.

It's Tuesday night here, almost mid-week if you are rushing to get through the week.


My work has off on Friday. How about you?

M.

Thank you all so much!

i fell asleep 3 times trying to post a visitor message last night so i never made it to the threads... sigh. but i have a four day weekend.

monday is a public holiday.
friday is a holiday for the high-faloot'n(sp?) insurance-contract permanent hires i work with, so i am TAKING it off (have been approved).

SO.... TGIT for today.... ;)

Mari here's wishing you a good Thursday-as-if-it-were-friday, also :)

:grouphug:
~ waves ~ gotta run already missed one

Waves, I hope you enjoy your 4 days off :)

yes enjoy your time off! maybe you can do alittle shopping for something special?????

Waves,

Good Friday is soooo good. I'm appreciating not having to go into work tomorrow/ today.

Enjoy your weekend -- especially after that annoying week end with the painters.


M.

except i'm getting sick. i thought it was allergies yesterday but overnight it evolved into a headcold/sore throat. long as it stays away from the bronchi i'm ok with it but i also feel really tired.

and my cousin invited me to the beach - they rented an apt and there was a small extra room... DANG DANG DANG DANG DANG. :mad: GRRRR.

but yes, after the jerk was jerky to me again yesterday morning i am so glad for the 4 day weekend. i had banked hours enough and did not even eat lunch and was outta there early and thensome. i had hardly anythting to do besides, so i did my email report for the coordinator that i usually do over the weekend, so i can forget about those ppl for a while. :D that will help me get better. :D

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
Banked hours are great. :)
You are out of there until Tuesday.
I hope you rest even with / especially with the cold.

Are you going to the beach anyway? It seems not.

Yep. Clear yourself from that place.

M.

Thank you Di and Mari :)

Unfortunately no i really had to turn down the beach... even had i not been sick, with the late notice and being so tired i am not sure i could even pack a bag.

plus i do not own a single bathing costume that fits and other appropriate clothing is packed away (seasonal).

and other things.

it would have been nice, but also a lot of energy i think for me too - social - this is the cousin whose husband works in my building and with whom i had dinner some time back, and games with her young daughter. hopefully another time.

but i so miss the sea. i think that was the biggest draw that made me hesitate before saying no.

i would love to just immerse myself in the ocean for a good half hour and then watch the waves for a half hour more and then repeat the process indefinitely.

or sit on the sand where the waves break into foam and let the water bubble and swirl around me.

~ waves ~

I hear you about the water...very comforting.
miss it. we will try to go again this year for a weekend to pensacola, FL. that was fun last year with the water gun fights.
You are sounding better. Are you feeling better more grounded or os it that you are starting to feel sick?
hope you can rest and nip it in the bud.
be well my friend.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

thanks Bizi

i started on echinacea at first signs, hopefully it will shorten the duration.... :o

~ waves ~