My mom and I had a horrible fight. I quit.
 

After many many years of trying to hold it together and try to help with the family, my mother went off the deep side yesterday and accused me of stealing tons of things from her. She had many hurtful intentional things to say and went on spraying venom till she knew my wounds were open raw and bleeding. I told her that if she didnt stop she was cutting off the fragile bridge that hold us together, and keeps me calling even now and again. She told me where I could stick my bridge.

Painful, wounded, bleeding and fed up, I told her it would be a very long time before she ever heard from me again, unless she called to apologize I didnt want to know a thing. She is angry because I wont take over the executor of her estate while she leaves my drug addicted sister with a key to the house, and all of the insurance policies in my neices name. In other words, my sister gets ALL the items in the house, my niece gets all the money, and I get the bill. I made a deal with her that her 3 other children would band together, make sure her bills got paid, her estate given out as she wished, and that her accounts closed, and the remaining money goes to her grandchildren. She called us all thieves, liars, and only wanted her money. WHAT MONEY?! she has 3 insurance policies. One for 2k one for 3k and one for 5k. She borrowed against the 5k policy years ago and didnt pay it back. She stopped paying on the 3k policy years ago, and they cancelled it. she has 2k total to bury her, pay her accounts, get death certs and so on. NOTHING left. There isnt enoug money to bury her! So, she wants my neice to get whatever money is in the accounts, and let the rest of us pay to bury her. isnt that fair? Um NO!

It was a horrible fight, and after decades of trying to help her...I quit. Im done. I am tired of being accused of stealing things that were gifted to me. Like when I had my father buried at sea with the Navy I had to have a photo to send with him. She chose the photo, and when the service was over accused me of stealing his ashes from her, and the photo. She talked horribly about my father in life, and in death and in the end I caught her using his ashes as a door stopper! I told her to say her goodbyes because come sunrise he was going with me and I was having a service planned for his remains. I had the navy take him as he was career navy and it was a beautiful service. My mom has ruined 5 of the tapes I sent her of the service and keeps asking for more. So, yeah, I did steal him, but she gave me the photo for the service, and now she has lost her mind and is lashing out in vicious ways that are cruel and uncalled for.

Sadden, bruised, and bleeding, im walking away. I dont care if the phone rings, she can tell it to the answering machine. Now my druggie sister has been leaving messages wanting to know what I did to HER mother. How dare I upset HER mother that way! OMG it just never ends, so...I decided to get off the merry go round.

Thank you for all of the encouragement thru the years as I struggled with this old woman, but as of this moment, I simply cant take it anymore. I am tired of crying. I am tired of being called names. I am tired of being accussed. I am tired of tapping out my wallet to bail out mom because mom bailed out sis. UGH! so...

I feel 150 pounds lighter. I no longer accept that she is my responsibility to raise, help, heal, carry, or drag thru life. I forgive her for the horrible childhood. I forgive her for the horrible adult hood. I forgive her for never making ANY contact with my children while smother the drug addicts children with love and affection. I forgive her all of it. and now I am forgetting. I release her back to the universe from which she came. She is beyong my control, my help, my love, and my interventions. I wish her well, I wish her great love, but mostly I wish her out of my life. im so tired of the constant drama, and BS and lies, and manipulations. I just cant and wont do it any more.

Thanks for allowing me to make this declaration public. im done.

Unfortunately some people are just toxic, and it is best to avoid them, even if they are related to you. :grouphug:

Just because someone is related by blood doesn't mean that they are a good "fit" for you and need to be in your life.

She sounds like someone who you either accept all or nothing. You've tried. She hasn't. At some point you have to take care of you.

I have cried and cried and cried. you know what? im done crying. I cant help her. She wont let me. the only way I can help her is to declare her insane, and she isnt, she is just mean.

So...im done. Ty for all the love and support. I wanted so badly to have a momma in my life, and have been chasing her for decades to be one. It isnt gonna happen.

Last words were Im not gonna love you , just cause you think I should. Love is earned, not given. When you start acting like a child I can love, then you will be loved like a child who is deserving. OUCH! hows that for a nail in the coffin ?? :eek:

Night mom. I hope you are well cared for in the remainder of your life. I cant do it anymore. Im sorry, but im not strong enough. Who ever said God doesnt give us more than we can handle is full of carpe. :(

((((Dej)))) You GO Girl!! Right on!

For the last 1.5 yrs, I have been 'letting go', letting go of the heavy load I was carrying. I changed my 'words' from 'sure, I will be right over' and 'what can I do to help?' to saying 'oh, that doesn't work for me' or 'that must be tough'- and it has been truly liberating! I have been using this technique with my mom now too, and it is helping so much! I do not get pulled into the drama anymore, and it feels so good! I would get so fuming mad at the things my mom would say, or the things she tried to 'persuade' me into believing or doing.

Now, it has become 'normal' for me to put myself first and not feel guilty about anything. It is the major paradigm shift that I never imagined could happen.

Stay strong, always put yourself first, do what makes YOU happy,do not allow 'energy sucking' people into your life.... just think of it as your 'points plus' values...you only get so many points per day, so you are more consciensious on the choices you decide to spend your points on, right? Well, you also only have so many 'spoons' in your day, and you get to choose when you want to use a spoon....and it seems as if your mom and sister take more than their share of spoons every time they engage you in even a simple conversations, they have enough of your spoons already, don't give them any more!

I am so sorry for your loss, Dej. It's never easy to say goodbye, even when you must.:( :hug::hug::hug:

Ah Dej. It will always amaze me how such a good thoughtful intelligent woman such as yourself could possibly have come from such a childhood.:hug:

:hug: Dejibo, you are going to be ok. You had to draw a line somewhere and this event with your mom is it. Take care of yourself. :hug:

Sending you hugs, Dej. ♥ You deserved so much better . . . but in life we don't always get what we deserve. Hope your spirit can heal quickly . . .

does it just make sense that I just wanted a mommy?

as a kid she couldnt. She was always draggin us from town to town cause dad was in the Navy. She tried to blame everyone on everyone else. nothing was ever our fault. Then she gave up on dad and dragged us to the back woods of NC, but surprised to find out her bros and sis' couldnt help her either. She had post polio syndrome and some mental deficiets from the disease. As a teenager I didnt understand, as a grown woman I just wanted my mommy to be proud of me, as a young mother I wanted my mom to get to know her grandkids. she refused. As a young wife I wanted advice, and guidance. She had none. As a young professional I wanted support. She thought I was high and mighty. As a injured, ill young woman I wanted comfort, support and help. She came and stayed two weeks, ate me out of house and home, expected to be waited on, then asked me to buy her a plane ride home. Dx with breast cancer I asked nay begged her to come help me. She told me how busy her own life was. Wanted to be sure she was in my will.

I have watched this woman lie, cheat, steal, dishonor, beg, panhandle, solicecit, shoplift, and pet upon my drug addicted sister as if she had the answer book hidden behind her somewhere. I guess in the end I never did learn to speak the language. I wont steal, I wont lie, I wont scam, I wont take advantage. How on earth did I come from this woman?

I have chased this woman all my life. I just want my mommy to love me. If that means working harder, smarter, faster or standing taller I did it. I went to her aide, sick or well. I went to her rescue even when I didnt have the money to spare, only to find out she was bailing out drug addicted sister. over and over and over I forgave and moved on. I blamed the mental stuff on polio, I blame the social stuff on her own upbringing. I blame her inability to parent on the fact that she wasnt parented.

In the end, you run out of excuses. You run out of money. you run out of patience, you run out of time, and you run out of spoons. I just wanted my mommy to be proud of me. To like me, to want me. In the end, it was never gonna happen. no matter what I gave up for her. So...Im going to take better care of myself than she did. I am going to be a better parent to myself than she was. I will be enough of a mother that my kids dont need her. She missed out.

Thanks for understanding and being supportive. I know others have lost loved ones recently and I dont mean any disrespect.

You are in my prayers
 

Dejibo,

You are in my prayers. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Not all family are relatives and know that not all relatives are family. You've done as much as you can and do not need to take such abuse and negativity. As long as you know you have extended the olive branch, you can sleep peacefully at night. Take care of yourself and know that you are only responsibe for your actions.:grouphug:

Dej - :hug::hug: Hang in there!

Sorry Dej! :hug: :hug:
No matter how much they hurt you, you came to their rescue to many times!!
I know exactly how you feel. You will probably cry a lot of tears before you finally come to terms with this. I still do, and it's been almost a year and a half.
I pray you can stay strong for your sake, It is not your fault! My thoughts are with you!

I cried alot today as I packed up a box for my mom. I included a video of my fathers funeral. I stole his ashes and had him buried at sea with the navy after I found him being used as a door stopper. I took a badly damaged photo of him, and had it restored and sent it with him to the funeral. Why did I send my mom a copy of this? because it clearly shows the photo she claims I stole in 2009 sitting on the table beside my fathers ashes in 1996. The navy did a beautiful service and gave me a video of it. I have provided my mother with no less than 4 copies of it, and my sister keeps taking it. I included several framed photos that included one of my mother when she was 19. One of my grandmother on her honeymoon. (what a hottie!) several of my sister and my mom together, and the framed photo that my mother swears I stole from her. I also included trinkets she gave me over the years. Salvation army trinkets, but they were special to me.

I counted it up and thru the last 30 years I have given out more than $175,000 in money to bail out my sister, my mother and their antics. I have filled oil tanks only to see the stuff sold off by the gallon. Paid off pharmacy bills so the kids could have meds, only to find out my sister got cigarettes and cough syrup on the bill. Clothing for kids to find the neighbors bought them cheaply. Electric bills long past due and electric extension cords being sold to the neighbor to pay for their AC. Food from the local store only to find it was used to barter for cigarettes. I have paid for my moms meds only to find she was giving them to my sister to keep her from detoxing. I have bought home after home for my mother only to find she had to leave those homes when my sister would crash with strange men and my mom was afraid. Lets not even count the vacuums I have bought.

So, I ended it with an act of kindness. A box full of photos that were lovingly restored, and framed. A letter letting her know how deeply she wounded me, and that strangers think more highly of me than my own mother. That I shant be calling, writing or sending any more checks, or items. This is the last box, and I send it with love and well wishes. I pray she is treated more kindly in her life, than she treated me in mine. I sealed the box and tomorrow shall send it with the same loving wishes that she truly be well cared for. It just wont be by my hand.

I am tired of being beaten. I am tired of having venom sprayed in my eyes. I am tired of being handcuffed then yelled at for not sticking out my hand. so...God Bless my mother. she is gonna need it without me there to catch her, or wipe her tears when it falls apart at the hands of my drug addicted, bi polar sister, and her socially anxious, bi polar child. I fear it wont be long before my mother is in a nursing home, and my sis will pick the cheapest one. She will forget to visit, and wont bring treats when she does. My mother will simply slip off into the madness of her own imagination, and wont allow anyone to come near to comfort or be comforted. So....thats all I can do.

I am the child. not the parent. I am the wounded child who took up the responsibilties of the adult and lost my childhood for it. I think I have given from a dry cup long enough.

Thank you for all of the love and support both public and private, this truly is a wonderful group, and its my mother who shall miss out on a wonderful woman who really loved her.

I posted to you on the Insights thread, but wanted to send my hugs here, too. One of my dear friends who had a similar childhood to mine (and yours) said to me "who fixes us broken girls?" and I wish I knew the answer. I could have written many parts of your posts.

I chased love until my mother died. Now I still don't understand how my manipulative, abusive step-father deserved her love and protection more than her own children. I was blessed to have grandparents who loved me and I grew up OK because of them and in spite of my home life.

I do know that those wounds don't heal that easily. It has taken me years to realize that I did try hard enough and it wasn't my failure to own. I hope you find great peace because I know you need it and you deserve it.

It's OK to be broken sometimes - we've all been broken, but not broken all the time. Some people are a terrible broken and are toxic to us. We can't fix them.

how do you explain to others what it was like to have a momma who


didnt teach you how to cook, but demanded that you put a meal on the table...at 9! and it better be good.


didnt teach you how to wash your hair, face, manicures or brush your teeth, but expected that somehow it would and should be done. "look at those nails! cut them!" sheesh...HOW?! "look at the ratty hair, cant you do something with it?" or wanted you to wear make up to cover the pimples instead of teaching you how to properly clean your face. I had my hair cut off at 16 because I simply couldnt get her off my back about it. I cut it myself because there was no money for a hair cut.


Didnt teach you how to clean, but expected the place to be spotless. There was heckpie to be paid if she came back off a date and found the place a mess. She didnt want to invited her "gentlemen caller" into a nasty place.


Didnt teach me that men could be wonderful and charming and generous, and protective. I grew up knowing that men were abusive, rude, wanted one thing, and normally got it, and you my dear should hold it for randsome. If you want something, let a man get it for you, after all, you have power between your legs.


didnt teach or encourage support of each other. We constantly heard what someone else had said about us, or had done behind our backs. I truly feel it made her happy to see us bicker, argue and fight. I was not taught how to make peace. how to forgive or how to resolve a conflict should it occur.


Didnt teach comfort, or help me when I told her about a relative climbing on me at night. She had her own problems. I was to "figure it out, sometimes you just have to put up with stuff"


didnt teach me how to use, take care of, or handle money or a budget, and yet the bills better be paid. I would be given a lot less money to pay the bills than what was owed, and I was supposed to go beg, borrow, steal or tell sad stories to the clerk to get her to forgive the rest of it. We tied the bad dog to the gas meter so they wouldnt shut off the gas.


Stopped touching me the minute I turned 5. I remember crying myself to sleep at night with a horrible toothache at 5, and was miserable in a motel because we were once again traveling with dad, and it hurt so bad. I was told to "suck it up. big girls dont cry, and big girls dont need their mommy to hold them when things go wrong. I had better figure out a way to get to sleep or a whoppin was soon headed my way." I was taught that if I was sick, she was not the person to head towards.


She did teach me how to shoplift, switch price tags from the small item, and put it on the big bottle so we got the smaller price for the bigger item. Taught me how to distract a store clerk while she stuff things in her bag. Taught me how to shove things in my pocket and lie straight faced to the clerk who just saw me do it. taught me how to tell the pharmacist that I am short on pills because I just counted them in front of him, and I swiped 10 into my pocket. Accuse others before they can accuse me. be nice to the rich girls so she could get in good with their daddy's when the divorce came, she would know which one was newly on the market.


When I look back at the family I came from I myself am amazed that I grew up with any ability to make sense out of the world. I was taught that ALL people will rook you, so you better rook them first. You better get in the first punch.


Yet somehow I grew up with morals, ethics, integrity, honor, and decency. I grew up to be a good parent to my own kids, and even took in others who were not so wanted. My mother never, not once asked for a photo of my kids. Sent not one Christmas or birthday gift. She played the game of "I sent it to his father." and told his father. "i sent it to his mother." for years my children thought Granny sent presents because I put her name on the gifts under the tree. Thank God they didnt check post marks on the mail or they would have seen it came from this town, not Grandmas town. She didnt want to hear when my son was ill and needed surgery. She was horrified that I took that little rat muffin off the street and took her as our own. she was sick and should be someone elses trouble.


I spent my entire adulthood chasing her affection, love, attention, and guidance, and it would never come. She was always busy, angry, tired, or didnt understand what it was I was going on about. so...I learned to quietly sit with her, and not ask for anything from her. My sister is just like her, so I think she understands and supports her more, because my sister makes senese and I dont.


I grew up without love, support, or guidance, but I guess when you are planted in manure you have good fertilizer, no?


I am so jealous when I hear of each of you that have that special bond with your mommies. When you are hearing words of love, affection, and grace from your parents. I dont know what that feels like. its a goal I chased my entire life and have come to realize that some of us are not going to have that goal met. it just is what it is, and I need to understand that I didnt get one of those moms. I got the broken one, and that caused me to grow up broken. With the love, support and kindness of many other peoples moms I learned. I grew, I was inspired to do better, and strive higher. So, thanks girls for letting me borrow from your moms.


Thanks for letting me take up your time, and your space with my drama. I hate drama, and yet to be from my family you MUST get used to drama or drown. I dont want any more drama. I just want peace in my life, and peace in the lives of my children.


By the way, my DH took the box to the post office for me, and is paying the postage to have my mom get her final box. He was so patient to listen to me read the letter over and over and rework it over and over. Yes, I know that my mom will either not read, or not understand what I said in the letter. it was just for me. I said what I needed, and wanted to say, and off it went.

I am so sorry Dej! Our lives are so similar, I can't believe it. I feel for you more than you know. Know we are all here for you and support you. :hug::hug::hug:

:circlelove:(((((DebW))))):circlelove:

Dej, we have spoken many times over the years about your mother's mental, emotional, spiritual bankruptcy and you know I have grieved with you for the loss of your childhood.

It has been said that our problem is not that as children our needs were unmet, but as adults the loss of these needs is still unmourned. All that grew up with a barren past, devoid of the basic needs of all children: the needs for love, safety, acceptance, freedom, attention, validation of our feelings, being physically held... all that missed these things need to grieve the irrevocably barren past and evoke their own inner sources of nurturance.

I believe you have been in the process of mourning since before we first met and it has been so hard to mourn because with your mother still alive... there was that smallest of chances that she might "wake up". This has not happened and it appears you are finally ready to let go and let God, truly grieve your loss, forgive her, and take that cup of sorrow from which you have drank deeply, and transform it to an immortal wine that can bring you the peace, forgiveness, and acceptance you desire.

I love you my friend, my sister, and all of you that feel or felt the pain of a barren and lost childhood~ May God's angels find their way into your heart to comfort you and show you truly it was not your fault.
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b5...HeartsA-vi.gif
Vikki

Vikki, that was beautifully said. :hug:

Dej
She had no right, no one had any right and that little girl only deserved love and the best.

As a child, I found my world confusing. I simply wanted to fit in with my momma, but knew she was asking me to do bad things.

As a teenager I knew other kids didnt live the way we lived. I was embarrassed by them and their antics. I was ridiculed for them and about them. No one wants to be the friend of the daughter of the woman who is the whore at work. eeek! no one wants to be caught seen with the weird family.

As a grown woman I learned better, and therefore I did better. I chose better, I desired better. I craved better, and i figured out I deserved better. it took me years to realize that something was mentally wrong with my mother. it explained so much and gave me an excuse to hang onto to be able to forgive her actions, and inappropriate behaviors.

As an adult woman I simply dont have to do this anymore. I am a loved, respected member of my community, my profession, my church, my friends, and my loved ones. The only one in this life who cant see me for who I am is my mother. Thats really sad.

I do wonder how I became half the woman I am. Why did I not stay in the back woods and lead the same life my sis leads? Why did I not become a drug addicted, shoplifting, social service hog?

I really am good with my choice. I sent my mother away with love. I really do hope the best for her, and pray good things go her way. I wish her much more love and respect be given to her than she has given to others. I pray she is treated with kindess, and respect and decency. I dont think those are things she has treated herself to, and therefore has not allowed them in her door very often. I pray she finds them, but it wont be by my hand. Im tired, im out of spoons, and she will have to carry herself to the river for water.

((((HUGS)))) Dej..no advice, just know I am thinking of you.