HERE you all are!!
 

I don't know if you guys here remember me or not, but I was happy and surprised to find all the familiar names here that used to be on the BT forums! It's been a real long time since I have communicated with any of you. To refresh your memories, and by way of an into to those here that don't know me, I have been on Spinal Disorders, Chronic Pain, Survivors of Suicide and Bipolar forums since 2002. In 2002, I had my second back surgery, a spinal fusion. I also have a bipolar husband, who attempted suicide, and many of you, like DiMarie, Bizi, Alffe, Mari, waves, and Pamster, to name some of you (please forgive me if I left you off!). I also have a bipolar daughter. Or rather, I should say 'had'....

I have gone through the worst seven months of my life. My family suffered a great tragedy on January 18, 2011. A raging fire completely destroyed our home and contents, and worst of all, my daughter Andrea perished due to CO2 poisoning and smoke inhalation. Her room was on the second floor, and the fire started on the side porch and came around to the base of the stairs. When I somehow, thankfully, awoke, I opened my bedroom door to a wall of flames and heavy smoke. The first thing I thought to do, after waking up my husband, was to find my purse where my cell phone was, and call my daughter. She never answered. She was probably at least unconscious due to all that black, thick, smoke. The first responders were two police officers, who heard us inside the house and broke our bedroom window and pulled us to safety, but not before my husband, in a confused state, ran out into the hall and suffered third degree burns on his hands and smoke inhalation. He spent two months in the hospital for his burns, and then was released in late March. We were so happy he was okay, as was he. Of course, we were devasted that we lost our daughter, who was 27 yrs old. We bought a beautiful, big new house and moved in, and so did my son and his family (wife, 2 kids). We thought things were working out well. Both my husband and I retired, and we set out`to enjoy this new chapter in our lives....Until hubby started having psych issues - he was manic, w/ paranoia, and more. It was very scary. This was in mid-June, and I'm sad to say he's still in a psych hospital, Dxed w/ manic psychosis, and PTSD, from all he went through. BTW, he had also suffered delayed CO2 poisoning, about 3 weeks after the fire. They did not place him in a hyperbaric chamber; don't know if that would have made a difference or not... Anyway, of the three of us, I seem to be the only one left standing, and, has it ever been STRESSFUL!! :eek::eek:

Forgive me for dropping this sort of bomb and taking off. I have to take care of the Grandkids in a few--- I miss talking to anyone who understands what I'm going thru. :grouphug: Should probably be in therapy, but I've been too busy running back and forth to see hubby...

Talk to you all soon, I hope!

Hugs, Jacquie

PS --No time to proofread - sorry for any typos!! :rolleyes:

wow....
This is so sad to hear about what your family has been thru.
I am so sorry you lost your daughter in the fire...how awful.
your poor family.
I just shake my head.
I am sorry.
It does sound like you definitely need to see a therapist. Someone in real life to help support you.
Do you have any siblings to help?
I am hoping that your hubby stabilizes soon so he can come home.
mania with psychosis sucks...been there and done that too.
thank you for checking in....
(((((HUGS))))):hug::hug::hug:
many hugs to you...you need them.
bizi

Dear Jacquie, :Heart:

I'm deeply sorry you are grieving for your daughter. :hug: :hug: :hug:

You might not need heavy therapy now, but I suggest you take time for yourself. Find someone very experienced (not a young person) who can offer you supportive therapy. It's good to have someone to talk to and someone who can help lead you to ways to recharge and then keep going forward.


M.

Thank you all, bizi, Mari and Di. I kept looking around for an active forum where I could receive love and support, and I don't know why I hadn't checked in here??! It's been a long, lonely couple of months with my husband back in a hospital. I really miss having someone to talk to. He does seem to be getting better, albeit slowly. He was so delusional for awhile, it was very scary and worrisome. He is pretty much passed all that, but the hospital he is in is the same one he was in for 6 days back in 2003. I picked him up from there, took him home, spent some time with him and then I had to return to my fairly new job working at a doctor's office. He then attempted suicide by cutting his throat, and my daughter was there to save him and call 911. I think he has some survivors guilt because he and I survived and she didn't. I felt that way for awhile, too. Anyway, this hospital, I think, is afraid to D/C him because of what happened in 2003. They wanted to send him to a 'long term facility' just to cover their asses, I think, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I feel like I am ready to take him home, but I am a little scared of what might happen, on the other hand.

Di, I remember when you lost your daughter. I felt so bad for you. Now, it seems, it is your turn to support me :hug: Thank you for that!!

I plan to hang around here as much as I can. I'm so glad that I re-discovered you all!!

Hugs :grouphug: to all, Jacquie

Hello !

Nice to meet you and so glad to have more beautiful people in our lovely forum.... :hug: so sorro to meet you under these circumstances though...

Im really sorry to read what you have been through and I send you lots of hugs... :hug:

Im praying that they can soon help your husband so he csn feel better and stable....

Come to talk to us, you will never feel alone :) :hug:

And I would like to answer the question Di made about why good people suffer this much sometimes in life, according to what Ive read and after struggling too much understanding this:

Life is unperfect... We are not in the paradise unfortunately... So we have accidents, we take wrong decisions, we suffer of genetic problems, etc.... Things happens.... BUT the difference between good and bad people is, not the fact that thins happen or not, but the fact that good people will never be alone, they will solve their problems eventually and God will keep those ones strong and protected.... Like for example, good people will have supportive friends in difficult moments like this one you are suffering hun.... :hug: do you get my point ? I hope so ! I sometimes have trouble explaining things, specilly in english.... Hehe

I send you my love and hugs for everybody reading this....
:hug::grouphug:

Just Jacques

I remember you well. Not sure you will remember me. I am deeply sorrowed
for your loss. Hoping you can find some peace coming and reading.

we are here for you. Sending you some prayers, thoughts and love.

So deeply sorry about your daughter.

Hoping your husband can start to get better soon.

Donna:grouphug:

You all have had such an impact on me tonight, and a way with words...thank you all. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face, but I'm alone except for my new puppy, Lilo. You see, I lost my dog,, too. They found her in our bedroom, another victim of the horrible smoke and CO2...

I'm going to get ready for bed now, but I will sleep a bit sounder tonight, knowing that I have found you, my friends, again. I am getting through one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other...

Good-night all!! :grouphug:

Jacques

I have to think your dog and daughter are together.

Donna:grouphug:

Donna is right... Your doggy and beautiful Andrea are together as we speak... :) :hug: and.... They are right there.... With you too !!!!! Always.... Forever.... :) Eternity rocks !

Have a good night, rest and feel better tomorrow. :hug:

Hi Jacquie. I'm Jude.
 

I'm happy to meet you but sad to read of so many sorrows in your life, so much stacked up one on another. I've been luckier most of my life. Not always.

A few weeks ago, I decided I really needed a bipolar support group along the lines of AA. Since I travel a lot, my pdoc suggested NeuroTalk. I've been here daily ever since. You, I'm sure, can understand that--with bizi, Mari,~waves~, DiMarie, Donna, others, to welcome & support me.

You've suffered so many losses! I lost my daughter too, but it's been 40 yrs now & she was just 8 months old. I'd only begun to know her:). What a little charmer.:heartthrob: Lost my hubby just before she was born. But all that was decades ago.

Since I was 8 I was labeled clinically depressed. 2 yrs ago I wound up hospitalized but emerged diagnosed bipolar. All new meds! Which, for a change, seem to work. Much better, at least. So life is better overall. I'm 65 now, but better late than nada.

These are special & strong people here--stronger for each other than for ourselves--I can tell you know that by your greetings of them. I'm glad to have you here for me, & I hope to be here for you & help you along in some way or other.

Life is so darn hard as it is, & I'm very grateful for this place where no one intentionally adds to the misery. :circlelove:

Jude rocks.... Read her consciently... :winky:

(((((((jude))))))))))

Ha, now I know who your angels are.... Hum... Beautiful ones ! :winky: an eight month old angel ? Im jealous ! :hug:

Dear Jude,
You hadn't share this before. I'm sorry for your losses. :heartthrob: :heartthrob: :heartthrob:

M.

welcome back. your posts show that amazingly you have a lot of strength.
you really suffered tragedies that are unimaginable. i am glad you can enjoy your grandchildren and progressing on with life. I wish you the best
bobby

Jude
 

I too am sorry for your great losses.
bobby

Again, I want to thank all of you- my old friends and my new ones!! :grouphug: I am glad I happened to find you all again. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful group of caring, understanding people! :grouphug:

I am frustrated today! Like you, Mari, my laptop, only purchased in January, is giving me fits yet again! The sound system was flawed from day one, and I had finally sent it in for repair. Well, they said it was repaired, but it was just the same. Then, this morning, i turned it on and the cursor (aptly named!) was frozen and I noticed that the puter wasn't charged, altho plugged in all nite. I rebooted it, got cursor working, but still not charging. :mad: I checked everything out, but to no avail. Tried to back h. Drive up, and it kept stopping. Now there is only 10% power left, not totally backed up, and I'll have to send it back as is :mad:. I am typing this on my iPad. Oh, one last thing, while trying to fix these issues, it made me too late to go see hubby, as visiting hours.are only from 12:30 to 1:30, then 6:30 to 7:30. The place is 15 minutes away....so far, that has been my day :rolleyes:.

Thanks again, I look forward to sharing with you all!

Argh ! Technology ! 1 step forward, 3 backwards.... Ugh... It can really frustrate me at times !!!!!

So sorry my dear.... Just take the lap problems with patience... They will fix it eventually.... Thank God you have your ipad so you can write us and have some fun with it.... :)
Leave it in peace if you feel tired of it and then, tomorrow, think about your lap again....

Sorry you couldnt visit hubby today ! But tomorrow you will :) :hug:

Much love !!!!!

Jude
 

Dear Jude

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am so glad you thought to share this.

Its so hard when they are young.

But also when you have to lose a hubby before the baby is born.

Donna:grouphug:

Just to general group

Sending hugs to all that need them.

I am also sending computer repair thoughts to Jacques.

I totally understand the problem today. My main fram type computer,
which I wanted to print somethings of the computer today.

Wont go online for me. Ugh.


But that is life. I will work through that when I figure it out.

Donna:grouphug:

(((Jacquie)))

Welcome back. :hug:

i am so sorry to hear of the reasons that brought you back at this particular time... the loss of your dear daughter and precious doggie and the extended period of severe ill health your husband is going through. sending good thoughts that he will improve soon. i agree supportive therapy would be good for you right now. a sounding board.

(((Jude)))

what a tragic tale yours was. albeit sometime ago now, i truly feel for you.

:grouphug:

~ waves ~

Oh, thanks, ~ waves ~ , you're such a sweetheart :heartthrob:. 'Twasn't a tragic tale, just a human one. Or part of the gigantic human tragedy we're all in. There were sooo many of us "vietnam widows" back in the '60s & '70s who miscarried or had SIDS babies. Casualties of war. They don't all die on the battlefield.

So long ago. Thing is, I think of my life as basically a mighty fine one! Full of amazing things, places, people. What a time I've had & still manage to grab... a day or so a month:D:trampoline::D.

Jacquie
I am not sure if it will help, but I disengaged my "pointer" cursor on the lap top keyboard because they could never fix the lap top right. When I did that all the other problems went away.

It is a HP. Knock on wood, it is working great now for several years Before that though while on warranty, I had a power cords melt, hinge for lid cracked, two mother drives replaced when a virus fried the hard drive.

Hope that it is worked out soon though. You need your link to the world of friends,.
di

Thank you so much, my dear new friend Di. Yes, my loved ones are with me... Yet life now is now, & it's all one big life wrapped up. There's no sadness from what's gone, not from so long ago. I remember the sweetness mostly.

I'm so glad I've found you folks. All part of what's good in life. Thanks for caring about the life I bring with me. That helps so much during the bad times. :circlelove:

I am glad you have a new puppy to love....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Jude: I LOVE to read you... :hug: Your mood is contagious !! :) :hug:

Thanks for being here with us.

Jude, I neglected to send my sympathy to you on the loss of your husband, and then you infant daughter in my other reply. I guess I'm still too wrapped up in my own grief.

By the way, bizi, we had four cats, also, and lost them all. They were only able to find one, though. I had a chance to go into the house a few months after the fire. It was awful :eek:, practically nothing inside that I could even recognize, just ashes everywhere...it took them four hours to put out the fire. It was an icy night in January, and they couldn't get the nearest fire hydrant opened :( . I will never forget that night.

I love reading your posts, Jude and Blue, and the rest of you, too. It's good to have an optimistic outlook on life. I'm really trying :).

Right, Blue,:Sigh:.
Contagious mood no matter which planet it's been hanging on,:Oops: ooor... something. :icecream: It's 'cause I speak silly. :icon_lol::yahoo:

Because you are wise, optimistic, cheerful, funny,
...... :):hug:

oh jacquie, your losses are still so new...the grief must be so hard to stand.
I don't know how you cope....
bizi

Know your loved ones are well. Now about you...
 

It's okay, Jacquie. :hug: Your loses are so recent, they are still physically part of you. Mine are long ago & gentled by memories & love so that none of mine hurt. 40 years! I'm much closer to being part of the Great Oneness or the Great Mystery than to feeling the pain.

I pray that you are getting closer to the time when you can let go & not relive that night. Your daughter & pets are beyond the pain, & I see you continuing to relive it. Have you been able to talk with someone? The military was incredible, there for me in amazing ways. It was years before I really began to recover, much less heal! But I never could have without lots of professional help.

Probably preaching to the choir here... ? :circlelove:

So correct are they.

Getting the help is so necessary.

Love

Donna:grouphug: