trip cancelled
 

my trip has been cancelled. total no-go. i can't go into the stupid gory details.

the good news is i no longer seem to be manic... nor even hypomanic at all. my parents attest to a net difference too. my mom feels i would not have accepted the conditions of this trip had i been right in the head to start with. she added that recently i could not be reasoned with at all as i would fly off the handle at the slightest thing, in particular any counsel i found contrary... :o

i guess it is for the best in the end. i have been sleeping SOOOO much and it has felt so good. i honestly feel much better and also perhaps more relieved than anything else, all things considered.

i still have my 2 weeks off work. :)

~ waves ~

i am so sorry your trip was cancelled. it sounded like an iffy proposition. I think there is a lot of stress in traveling and you have been under so much stress. Then again a change in environment can help one gain new perspectives..what do you plan to do with your time off?
love
bobby

dear Bobby

Yes indeed, "iffy proposition" describes it very well, and i was probably too blinded probably by my own adrenaline to see it. there were deeper intrigues i only learned this week, and the deeper they sank in, the more abominable the situation seemed, perhaps aided by the med increase and yet further "clarifications." Perhaps the med increase contributed too - 5 days on increased dose is plenty for it to kick in.

right now, i don't have plans and actually feel relieved about that. my tendency is to do things impromptu. i can handle plans when necessary but generally stick to a minimum. plans make me feel stuck. i like feeling free. others i know experience the opposite. i guess some of these things are in our DNA. my mom is a planner and so is my dad, so this isn't a learned thing for me.

for the moment, i think i really could use being a "cave-person" (as Jude says in another thread) for 2 weeks straight. now i know that won't really happen. but i don't have anything in particular in mind. ;) just vague ideas... a stroll to the icecream spot across the street, perhaps try to get some walking in that isn't directed at getting me to work or back, perhaps do some art if i can contain the "messiness" :D.

i am sorry your life is so difficult with all these changes to deal with lately. you hang in there!!!

love you

~ waves ~

Waves,

'Good about the mood being better. I like your plans for the vacation. You can rebuild your core spirit-- art, walking, thinking about yourself.


M.

Sorry your trip had to be cancelled, but glad you are getting better and getting enough sleep. How much Depakote do you take? My husband was started on it for the first time in June, and last I heard, he was taking 1500 mgs. I just wish they would consider giving him an additional med like Ability or Lamictal. He is just not improved much in the last month, and is still hospitalized. At this point, I don't think they want to try anything else :confused: !?!

Continue to feel better!

That's the nice thing about a vacation...
 

...even at home, it's still a vacation! I think I know what you mean when you say that sleep feels good. Yeah. There is a kind of sleep that fills me up & out & kind of fulfills me too. It's so wonderful, cuddly, wrap-around wonderful. I hope it's that kinda sleep you're getting.

Ice-cream! Yeah. Walking without destinations. I've done soooo much of that I've probably been around the world in my 65 years of walking. Well, 63. They worried that I had problems 'cause I didn't walk or even crawl at all even at age 1.5. Then my mom made people stop carrying me everywhere. Been lost a lot since then but had fun finding my way somewhere, asking people for help, looking for things familiar.

Art! That too! But why contain the messiness? Then it's instruction, or training, or something. We've got the Dali museum here. Can you imagine telling him to tidy things up?!:eek: WHOA:eek: Duck & cover!

Hope you have a good time, whatever that means as the time goes by. Love you, ~ waves ~ , my dear dear friend :Dancing-Chilli:

Waves

Personally I'm relieved that your plans have changed. I'm sad that you
aren't getting away from the parents. But even that could change
if you figure out a way for a couple of days right.


But I was really worried about you. You just weren't the Waves I have
gotten to know. The one that is level and can give such good thoughts.

I'm glad to see her back in these post.


Love Donna:grouphug:

oh waves, am happy that you get a 2 week break ...you can decide to do what you want to do. maybe find a hotel that has an indoor pool and get away bring your guitar and call in room service. or maybe a bed and breakfast place????you might be able to get a good deal during the week???
sleep and rest your mind body and spirit my friend.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

trip reinstated, w/ later departure, same return
 

trip is back on but deferred to wednesday departure (2 days forward).

a few other things transpired, but on top of that, i also realized, geez, like it or not, manic or not, i made these plans with these ppl, and it is a sort of commitment. i would feel like a rat if i didn't honor it even if i feel like a rat about some aspects of it. some things at least have been sorted out on their end. so i am going.

-------- i am having prep misadventures:

it is a good thing i changed my flight - i had to call the airlines directly coz the other number didn't work! :mad::rolleyes: BUT...

had i gone to the airport today, as planned, unenlightened... i would have been denied boarding!!!! :(:(:( turns out passport mandatory even though within EU!

i just had to chase down a validation thingie for my passport. and TG i already had a passport - there wouldn't have been time to request one!!!!! then i couldnt' find my wallet to pay for it. i left and rummaged in my purse and found the wallet ... came back... ARGHHHH!!!!!

i also made sure bank/pharmacy straightened out - i was double billed. UGHHH!.... multiple calls to multiple places and menu navigation.... i think the pharmacy actually had to cancel a transaction this morning. good thing i didn't call earlier or i would have freaked. i am slightly freaked.

i am stressed out SO BAD right now!!!

i just want to lie down for like 2 hours. :rolleyes: i don't know if i have time but i am taking a 'breather break.' try to engage mind in something grounding and safe. i have to learn stress tolerance. i used to have more of it....i think??? sigh.

------------------ bad omens

i am see all these things as bad omens on the trip, despite the fact they were resolved. it is like God or the Universe saying, hey, NO GOOD!!! even my company had trouble leaving, checking in, departing, one lost their luggage - it arrived finally... everything just seems to have a shroud over it you know.... you can see your way through, but not with clarity and simplicity. everything murky. everything difficult. obstacle course. :eek::(

~ waves ~

i hope you have a wonderful vacation. remember to take some deep breaths.
maybe they are not bad omens but an opportunity to feel anxiety now rather than once you depart on your trip. you said they all worked out. probably your trip will be clear sailing. you deserve to have some fun!
love you
bobby

well that is stressful.
take deep breaths, try to get some breathing room. ask for help if possible.
have a nice vacation! I hope you don't lose your luggage.
bizi

trip back on
 

Dear Waves,

The trip is back on! And you got a lot settled.
I hope your preparations get completed enough so you feel ok.
Take deep breaths.


M

http://bestsmileys.com/cartoon/3.gif

W o w, ~ w a v e s ~
 

If you weren't already bipolar, I think you would live your way into being so. :hug:
You must have a tiny sense of how things like universes being born feel...:hit-safe:
or a black hole collapsing:eek:.



Love you ~ waves~ :Heart: Vacation like only you can. (((:hug:)))

thanks everyone.

i got my menses - and another migraine i had to nurse today. better than wednesday. so thank goodness!!!!

i had missed a gabapentin dose past two days, and today took all four... tween that and the indomethacin i was worse than drunk.

also the gabapentin gives me increased light sensitivity, especially during titration but it never totally wears off. depakote also during an increase. i think the gabapentin with this dose of Depakote are two much, but i need those doses for each to work. for now i will have to rely on shades and hats. can't afford migraines with work later, can't afford mania on vacation. :(

i had to lie down flat with a black sock on the eyes and earplugs finally - yes got hit with phonophobia too and nausea... it was after dinner and i fell asleep. i only menat to lie down for 5 or so mins to kill the senory stimuli TOTALLY for a while... woke up coz i got cold... 3 hours later - 11 pm... med and bed time. i am pretty awake and it's cooler now. i got a few things sorted.

i still have to photocopy my documents. also i have to go into the garage AND the cellar for some things. my dad promised to come with me as he knows the garage makes me nervous.

i cried tonight between one thing and another not the least of which being forced to live with lights that are either just too plain bright for bed-time, or are "desk-lamps" - emiitting too much blue-green... my parents (mother) has not been receptive AT ALL. they both like white lights. i have brown shades on. finally when dad got the in-tears version tonight, he promised to help me find the two a-bas-jours i used when i lived alone, and bring one up when we go down to the cellar/garage tomorrow. i can scoot my desk lamp over more for the plants.... they like that light - perk right up.

sorry i am a stick in the mud. at least i know for sure i am not manic. i am not even hypo. i am not even close. i feel really down. i do believe it is hormonal and self-limiting to a couple of days.

:grouphug:

~ waves ~

Dear waves,
I am sorry that you are suffering with a migraine and that time of the month and stress of traveling soon. hopefully you will get the different light thingy for your area and your dad will help you find it and bring it up for you with out incident.
WE are here to support you....
I hope your mood improves with some time....When are you leaving?
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Good Luck Waves.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:

You got hit hard. I hope you feel better soon.

Your father is listening to you and helping you with the documents and lamps. You will feel more sorted when you have those things out of the way.
Have some restful sleep. :Zzzz:

M

Thank you all, again...

Bizi, the flight is Wednesday afternoon at two - same as I would have taken today, but 2 days later. i have to leave around 11 am to get to the airport, navigate traffic (taxi), find the counters, bustle through the bodies all exiting the country en-masse, find my airline and check in on time.

i feel bad for ppl who visit where i live this time of year. nothing works. bars/cafe's are shut down, along with many pharmacies ... and few realize you can't get so much as baby aspirin at the grocery store... it's easier to buy cigarettes or booze. :( many shops and restaurants are shut too.... oh what fun. :rolleyes:

plus the transports are on extra-extra-reduced schedules... which means long waits and hours to get from point A to point B, mostly waiting in the heat (running 90's and muggy).

where i am going is apparently more touristy and my company has not reported incidents wiht things being shut but rather things seem to be quite lively.

i have pulled out a superset of clothes to pack. now i need to "edit it down." i am a bit upset because i forgot to get my only pair of black shoes repaired, and they are too broken to have done in an hour or i'd take with. they were also comfortable and would have allowed walking. i am at a loss for evening shoes to go with black clothes - and that i can wear every night without blisters.

tomorrow i finalize the baggage. i hope i see the end of the menstrual migraines too, pita on a plane i should think.

again thanks to all of you dear folks. i keep coming back here like a sort of home base. i don't know if it is addiction or a seense of safety. or both.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

You will have full service at your location. That is good. 'Will be fun too.

Good luck with the editing decisions. I pack heavy -- right to the point that the bag/s is as heavy it is going to be before I cannot maneuver. Even so, I leave stuff home I could have used. Most of the stuff is not used at all of course -- except the stuff I wish I had (almost sounds like George Carlin)
The truth is what absolutely has to be packed is the meds. When I packed for my two night in June I had about five nights worth of meds in two different places. Next comes hygiene products that I prefer but are not easily available in an unknown town and with out my usual transportation patterns to get to them, . .

I have feet issues so I work my outfits around shoes. Here is what I might do -- not that these are good ideas necessarily. 1.) I might take the broken pair (I pack non-light remember) and try to drop it off at a shoe place the first day as my first order of business so that the pair could be fixed within a few days and I could wear them later on in the trip. 2.) I might budget for a new pair at the vacation place. I might even get lucky enough that the shoes might be within the price range (or cheaper) of what I get at home.

I have not flown for while. I remember that airplane travel had an effect on hormones. . . it was not a problem, but the flow pattern was different

As my sister would say: "I hope that your trip is without incident."
I send good wishes that all goes well.
M

Dear Mari
 

yes i thought about bringing the shoes... i can't dress around them because well... i need something black. a replacement is iffy because new shoes hurt when you have to walk a lot.

as for the editing, i am very bad at it when it comes to clothing. i have improved over the years but inevitably find myself without one or five things that would have been just perfect. i am already having to double pack... for daywear/nightwear because activities and temperatures both require it. so perhaps i will edit in a different way, i.e. try pick out what i *really do* want this pile i have now. rather than trying to decide what i *might not* need. excluding things is hard for me... so an inclusive process might be better.

right... dad just fed me a salami sandwich. nowish/soon he will help me get the things from the garage which i am afraid of.

then i really have to start packing. i am also considering this strategy
-- pick a bag
-- start throwing things in
-- what doesn't fit stays behind.

but i know i'll end up reshuffling even the bag choice if i am not satisfied.

i prepaid one checked piece but i kinda want to get everything into a carry on. the meds will be with me, regardless - i think i can fit them in my purse. i am figuring on 2 days extra depakote (i have to stuff them into a brand new pack) and simple full packs of everything else... should do. not gonna worry about showering/hair stuff this time - how much damage can you do in 6 days - i will try to go light on the hotel products. i'd like hair gel but i have other liquids... and with the new rules... ARGGHHH, forget it. lol. i can live without conditioner for that period too. i have tooth care items in my purse always... need to remember to bag those w/ the rest though. arghh new regs.

i may need another lorazepam, but i can't afford to sleep today....

off to the garage... :hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

good luck today with all of your packing.
sending some good vibes your way.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thank you dear Bizi!!!
i need them!!! :circlelove:

i am half-packed but still unsure of the rest..... still have accessories to figure out... group/pack... and i still may change back... at least i've narrowed things down to one of 2 bags both could go as carryon if i don't stuff them....

i am so upset about the shoes... i totally spaced getting them repaired here the last 2 weeks when i had the chance.... :o

ARGGGGGGGGHHHH STRESSSS I HATE PACKINGGGGGG

too many DECISIONS! :o

~ waves ~

Waves,

How was the salami sandwich? ( I might be hungry right now :) )


I like the strategy for throwing everying into a bag.
Make sure
1. right meds and right amounts for the length of time. Put in a safe spot
2. stuff stuff in bag and then modify.

Pack anything questionable to put under the plane so that securty is not a hassle. It is hassle anyway, but if you don't have their banned products you can get through with less hassle.

The truth is that as long as you have your meds and ticket and id to get on the plane everything else is secondary. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that in order to talk myself into going.

If one does not have exactly what one would have at home, that is ok. You can manage with what is packed.


You are going to look good no matter what you packed. And you are going to have a good time. :hug: :hug: :hug:

M

Have a wonderful time if you get on here before you leave.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

:grouphug:Waves,

You will pack just the right things, and do just fine.

have a great time.

Donna

heard from you in another thread.
Don't know how much internet time you get but thought I would post to you in case you read here again.
Glad that there was a subway to escape to. sorry things are difficult there...hopefully your travel mates will understand...not mess with you.
I hope you are having some fun.
be careful ....
nice to hear from you.
thanks for posting on my thread.
bizi

Hi Bizi! :)

my travelmates are ultimately being ok with going separate ways (their going, my holing up) in the daytime. that is after my meltdown the other night because i didn't want to walk another step nor wait for 10pm to be at the restaurant let alone get served...

that was not an enjoyable evening for me but the first 2.5 mg lorazepam eventually got me to stop shaking and able to attempt talking again. then the trying to work things through later required another 2.5 mg lorazepam. and i am perhaps still paying for it in spades... but they left the laptop to babysit me today lol... i didn't think of it in time yesterday. so today i will be on and off. off some coz i have to let them clean the room.

i am eating the other half of my subway sub for brunch ... and that is more than fine with me... coz i don't have to leave the room yet. i wsnted to buy postcards at least but honestly... i dunno... there are too many ppl out there, i am starting to feel sort of claustrophobic when on the street. it isn't that i feel fear or anxiety, more a sense of repulsion at all these bodies walking by bumping by, avoiding narrowly and having to avoid... and noises from stupid toys they sell.

anyway. i am having some good times. but i was basically done with vacation as of yesterday. now it is all about food for me. if i get meals i like and maybe cannot usually get at home, that makes my day. like last night we had thai. we were all gung ho for it too, so that worked out nicely.

the hotel room is very comfortable. the room service is a bit inconsistent but adequate. it is nice having my own room and a real bed to sleep in for a few days. i fly back tomorrow.

take care of yourself Bizi. (((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Waves
Glad to see this update.

The other post had me worried.

Have a safe trip home. And hope you have a good start back to work
when you do.

Donna:grouphug:

yes do enjoy the food scene while you are there, glad that they are letting you chill. 5 years ago when we went to london to celebrate our 10 wedding anniversary. I am not the morning person and jeff knew that so he would get up early and go do stuff then come back and get me. this worked out well...I missed stuff it was more important for me to be able to sleep. you get so alone time minus the house keeping intrusion.
thanks for posting.
you do sound a bit better today.
bizi

Yeah, like seeing through a thick glass...I hate that! :confused:

Dear Waves,

I hope the wrapping up of your trip goes well -- good food tonight, a trip without incident home.

It's nice to feel treated well in a good room with a good bed.

Mari

anxious
 

thanks folks :grouphug:

i went out for extra coffee to let them do my room then came back and hoped to relax... instead i packed.... sorta had to... friend brought me some things i neglected to leave room for.... sigh....

on the one hand, this is good, i only have out a tshirt to sleep, dinner wear, and left room (i hope) to cram that in. on the other hand, i am freaking out because i have lost bus ticket (round trip) to airport... not cheap... and having got to this point i have looked everywhere - repacking entailed dump everything out and reput back in... from scratch, so i have detailed every nook and cranny, only hope is that i asked friend to hang onto it... yikes... :(:o

Bizi, these past few days they basically take off all day and then we eat late then my friend and i talk... and end up staying up too late but there isn't any other time to talk otherwise... so it's a bit of a strain even with having the day to myself. lots of compromise - mostly on my sleep, starting to feel sucky and my schedule is now totally FKKD.

Donna i start work next monday. so as of tomorrow i am officially on vacation from vacation! i just hope i can fix my sleep pattern as i'm now in night owl / sleep deprivation.

i knew i would need the time afterwards. but i don't know if i will ever go on a vacation again. if i had a car, i could throw a bag in it and drive someplace, but like this... it's wacko, i was wacko before and now i'm a different kind of wacko... i feel like spacy, my heart is jumping about.

Mari, thank you... i hope i can get a window this time. i couldn't last time and this flight has good view. it will depend on checkin time... which will depend on my friends' waking up time... not good since their flight is later. :rolleyes: friend and i having issues with sorting out monies and must be done here... arghh.

honestly i cannot wait to get home.

~ waves ~

thinking of you and sending some relaxing vibes your way.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

thanks Bizi. :) :hug:

can really use them.

In theatre there's a, well, mostly mental thing that shifts in at the end of a hard performance. When the end is finally in sight, you grit your teeth & go mentally "...arrgh." If it's really a rough show, I (as stage manager), have even voiced the mental thing aloud, telling everyone including tech it's cool to just get it over with.

You are there, ~ waves ~ , & I wish I could stage manage your return.

The "mental thing" is the phrase go for curtain! & means (as you've no doubt figured), get it over ASAP!

:circlelove: & :hug::hug: :rolleyes:<CG