Waves. Are you OK?
 

I'm concerned. I see that you have the (Shocked) sign up. BF:hug::hug::hug:

freaked out (ok now), but also sleep deprived, mixed depression, migraines
 

Dear Steve,

i'm so sorry for causing alarm.
:sorry:
the shocked thing was coz i got real freaked out over something. but it is ok now. the past few days i have had a run of migraines that did not respond to meds and i can't use the pc much then. i'd come on here do a couple things and have to turn it off - probably why i forgot to switch the mood back.
:Oops:

other than that i am ok... relatively speaking.... other than being depressed :rolleyes: and not the "standard" kind, but agitated depression - depression is predominant, but with some manic symptoms so i can't take an antidepressant.

lots of anxiety too, although some has dissipated since the work contract has been terminated, and in a way that feels fair and honest to me. i am still anxious about my future. i don't know when i will be able to get back in the saddle and have mountains of expenses hanging over me. i seem to be ok when i stay in a "pressure-free" bubble at home, but, the 'okness' is illusory. i try to step out... i am overwhelmed. but i can't stay here forever. pdoc says i have to rest, but he wasn't very specific. he left me to do a lot of surmising. i am not very happy with his (lack of) feedback.

i've also been running sleep-deprived and during sleep having very busy and complicated dreams that would shake me up and often wake me up. it was like my mind was racing awake AND asleep. no fun. :Nooo: but i finally slept all of yesterday. and a couple hours tonight. i notice the dreams are getting less vivid. whew.

thank you for checking on me. :hug::hug::hug: i hope you are managing ok. we can get through this. we've done it before. we'll do it again.

~ waves ~

thanks for checking in waves.
glad to hear that you were able to get some rest.
rest and then rest some more,
give yourself some time to heal...you have been thru a traumatic event.
I hope you feel better soon.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

thanks Bizi.

i haven't even really been able to "spill it" all here. there is more going on than the work thing. some pretty heavy stuff, too.

---------------------------

still, i don't know if the depression is tied to any of that, or anything specific.

the depression is mild compared to others i've had, but difficult in terms of the mixed sx. i think the big depression came last spring... where in june i finally decided to start zoloft.

i think it is more of a segue to the months and months of running high and being medicated down but with breakthrough sx throughout requiring med tweaks etc. all that started last december. it ended almost inexplicably in august. that's a fairly long time. i have never had to take such high doses of freakin depakote. i ended up taking close to double my previous max dose, for most of that period. that is after i refused to take any more zyprexa.

so, i guess this is just what i would call the "fall out" period. loss of the sense of power. i feel something has been knocked out of me now. if it is just an "adjustment" i'll level out soon.

---------------------------

on the other hand i am having so many physical symptoms... could be the depression is expressing through the body. i asked pdoc if i might be somatizing. got a "could be," nothing more. not a way to know, nor how to fix it if i were. :(:o thanks.

surely more sleep/rest/quiet will help, if i can get it. home situation is not favorable for that right now. :o

~ waves ~

Dear Waves
 

I understand what you are talking about. When we feel that bad,the doctors are not very helpful.

Try not to worry about the future. I find myself worrying also about that. Things have a way of working out,but it doesn't feel like it at the time.

Put the alarm sign up when ever you feel like this. That's completely OK.

I'm sorry that I'm not more helpful,because I'm going through depression also,but I know that it will lesson to a smaller degree that I will be able to tollerate if no one upsets me over here in my little part of the world.
BF:hug::hug::hug:

thanks for understanding Steve.

yeah, a lot of it is about avoiding negative stimuli for me, too. that includes many sounds, tv, loud talking, general outdoor traffic and people noises (nature is ok). i am awake at night mostly now. it is quiet. and nobody asks me anything or watches tv or tries to plan food or outings or get information from me.

and i also can't stand decisions right now.
-- do you want this piece of chicken or the other one?
-- i don't care, either one.
-- no no, pick one.
-- any.
-- come on, decide!!! (and gets mad!)
-- argghhhH! sigh. flip a coin. anything. just don't make me pick.

decisions = major anxiety surge. do you get that too?

i guess your kitty cat doesn't try to make you decide too much stuff, huh?

:hug::hug::hug

~ waves ~

ok. i just totally lost it over some email with someone who thanked me for sending a sort-of apology (????? i did NOT - i don't even know what i'm supposed to apologize for.

this is all i need. i say i need rest and instead get more questions. i answer with a blithe sarcastic/joking remark only think i can think set the person off, and whoooooaaaa man, volcano sparks.

and I WOULD BE THE CRAZY ONE IN THIS PICTURE?????????? :ranting:

of course, NOW, i am mad. MAD MAD MAD. :mad::mad::mad:

mind you, this person makes sarcastic and even darned unkind remarks - not just to me - i've witnessed this done to others supposedly dear to this person - either seriously or as half-jokes and just glosses over them... often go unapologized for because don't call them on it or ELSE... a classic can dish it out but can't take it, won't take it, won't stand for it.

~ waves ~ now *NOT OK* :(:(:(:crazy:

crap! just what you did not need.
bizi

Dear Bizi
 

exactly, exactly!!!!!! :crazy::o:hug:

i am doing a bit better now. the adrenaline surge has ebbed. twas tempting to medicate with lorazepam but being home, alone, interaction over, no performance requirements, etc... under these conditions i knew it would not harm me and would eventually go away.

when i regained my ability to focus, i read some. i finished my book. now, i am still upset/agitated, but less so. i will try breathing and visualization exercises and failing that i will eat a lorazepam to sleep.

thanks for your support :heartthrob:

~ waves ~

((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))
I take a benzo every nite to sleep.
bizi

so do i... a longer acting one, it's an anxiolytic type like klonopin but even more long acting. initially or with dose increases it makes me sleepy but i'm used to it now.

lorazepam i am supposed to use prn... i can use it if i need to but i tend to "save" it for anxiety attacks or severe insomnia when, say i have to be up and rested. tonight i think i'd rather stay up and go to sleep when i feel tired.

it's nice and peaceful now. (in contrast to daytime.)

((((((hugs)))))) back :)

~ waves ~

Me to. It's hard to make decisions when I'm feeling anxiety. It's also hard to take the initiative to do things when I'm loaded down with burdens,and anxiety pain. I dislike my condition.

I use to dislike myself,but I now realize that I didn't choose these mental health problems,and they don't make me worth more,or less then anybody else.

Live. Keep living. Hold on to life. Hold on to your identity. Hold on to God. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Waves,
I love the nighttime. It is magical . . . or at least it has the potential for magic.
http://bestsmileys.com/magic/7.gif

M.

Yes, I too love the night. Did, even as a baby.
So tonight I'm up, enjoying the relative "cool" of 78F.
I've got the place opened up wide so can hear toads, frogs, night birds. What a group of noise makers!

I'll help release birds at 6:30, go to sleep after.

Did you see Phantom of the Opera? There's this song: "the Music of the Night" & it captures that feeling of potential magic.

blue car gal, what do you mean release birds????

i assumed she meant wait for them to wake up.

unless she keeps birdies and has them covered for the night, and needs to uncover them then.

hmmm.... now you got me wondering too....

:Scratch-Head:

~ waves ~

Oh, guys, release is just release.
 

There are lots of rescue groups around including individuals that rehab injured birds. Seabirds ready to return to the wild are traditionally released at dawn (or shortly after). Carried out to water's edge,released, thrown food, then hopefully beaten back inside. That's why they're fed after release.

They seldom want to leave. Many come back & roost on the roof of the structure at night. As light as a single bird is, the combined weight of the returnees got so great we had to reinforce the roof.

Thanks for the giggleshttp://www.myemoticons.com/emoticons...ods/giggle.gif, you two.:hug:

ahhhh, enlightened and uplifted
 

thanks BCG, for doing that.

and just thinking of it is uplifting... rather fitting, eh, since we're talking birds... ;)

~ waves ~

I am still confused...sorry I am still not getting it.
sigh
you have birds seagulls.... that you feed...they come back to be fed?
I will reread your posts...sorry again...:o
bizi

Wow, Waves

Don't let anyone get to you.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear Bizi - about the birds, as i understand it
 

not exactly.
that's the release part - it's supposed to be permanet - returning them to their natural environment once they are healed.
beaten as in the rescuers have to rush back in because the birds try to follow them. the food is given to distract them and give the rescuers enough time, hopefully to make it back in, minus birds.

even though they are free, some still come back and hang out on the roof of the rescue shelter... i guess they adapt quickly to the food and human contact during their sick period.

You got it!

blue car gal, does that mean you are one of the rescuers? that you were taking care of sick birds...I just go hide under a rock...
sigh
bizi

Awwww Bizi,

then we would have to come rescue you from under the rock, too. or try to throw you bread scraps to lure you out. ;):D Maybe some fresh sweet corn from IN would work better as a lure though huh? or shrimp and crabcakes :D:D but i'm sure the birds would compete with you for that!!! :eek: OUCH!

:heartthrob:

~ waves ~

Nothing so glamorous:rolleyes:. I scrub out bathing pools, feeding bowls, watering areas. I try to get into large cage areas without being outsmarted by little birds who plot escape. & sometimes I get to help release birds who are better & can go back into the "wild" environment. The medical staff hands the bird (carefully, we learn what parts to grab onto:winky:) to a volunteer who holds it while a second volunteer bands it on a leg. That done, said bird is handed on to a third volunteer (e.g., me!) who takes it to the water & tries to get back before the bird does. Food is usually the gimmick to keep the bird by the water.

Vets, often volunteering their time, do the actual care taking of sick birds.

You've got the same thing going on in your area I betcha;)!

thank you blue car gal for spelling it out for me.
Thank you for the work that you are doing. I am sure you like working as a team.:)
bizi

Blue car gal

You are so wrong, You are one of the team.

Whether you consider yourself one our not.

Just as some rescue dogs and other animals.

Donna


Derrick would want to thank you.

Donna:grouphug:

thinking of you tonight waves, hope you are sleeping peacefully tonight.
no more nitemares.....
bizi

not the kind where you wake up screaming or are being chased.

but i had disrupted sleep. very little in the night. then kept being woken up by parental chaos (= mom shouting at dad) in the morning until they went out.

then i dreamed that all the plants in the house were dead or dying, from the heart outwards... they were rotting... some were mom's and some were mine. one of them had a lot of leaves and i had started to take out the ill ones, and the whole plant fell apart. and i said to myself why couldn't you just leave it alone... now it was just leaves everywhere, dismembered. and then i thought, well but if it was rotten in the center, it was already dead anyway, it only had the semblance of being alive. so all i had done was reveal the illness, not cause it. and i looked at another of my plants that is in water, it had a lot more leaves than in real life, only i remembered that it had fewer leaves and wondered why suddenly it had more. i also wondered it i should continue to keep it because it never grows, it is also ill, as soon as it makes a new leaf, an older one falls off...

it wasn't a nightmare, exactly, but a very ugly poignant dream.

----------------

that last thing, i have also wondered in real life, about this plant. it is a pothos... they usually grow fast and if you snip them they branch... when i lived on my own i had several flourishing ones in water vases just like this one. i think it is ill also, it is making deformed leaves.

----------------

i also had other dreams that were disturbing but not as focused.

lots of people and meeting-like things and social interactions that were "busy" and disconcerting and vivid as i still remember distinct fragments even hours since waking.

one part was "my" room to which, however, a small child also had access. i never saw the child.

i remember before going to bed trying to fiddle with a radio in there (which i don't even have in real life) ... and not being able to tune the receiver so that there were no static... couldn't get a good signal no matter what.

----------------------------

i feel yucky today.

I'm sorry you haven't been doing well Waves! :hug::hug::hug:

Decision making is difficult for me normally, but it's recently reached new heights. So frustrating... I hate it.

I never used to remember dreams (maybe from the sleep apnea), but sometimes I remember them now (maybe the trazodone). When I do, they're usually very bizarre- dog's head in the toilet bizarre!
I think the plant dream was about a fear of change, and the other was a manifestation about anxieties (social anxiety, worry over completing task(s)).

I hope you're feeling better soon! :hug::hug::hug:
Kay

that makes for a long evening and then to be woken up by shouting parents...not good.
of course the little girl could be your inner child....can't find her.
and the radio, may be that you are trying to find what you are looking for but can't seem to find it.
dreams are interesting.
what do you think they mean?
bizi

Dear Bizi and Kay... good calls - here's my take
 

i believe that most dreams are reflexive... i read a book on it too, and not that i take these things for gospel but i thought the author made sense...

i do believe that most of the time people or interactions represented in dreams actually represent different parts ofourselevees

i agree with you about the child... however the gender was not specific, but tended towards male? weird but i did think it was an inner child or innermost desires... dreams... things that come from childhood. they still have access to my space, but i do not have access to them... to myself... i am fleeting.

also agree on the radio... but again trying to tune into a signal... as perhaps i would a guide... looking for a guide, perhaps an inner voice.

the plants. those being the only living thing in the dream, i felt also represented me. the first part... where the they all fell apart from root rot (that manifests as inner leaves dying first). i believe that all represented how i feel and have for a long time. that i am dying from the inside out, from the heart. my pulling out the "sick leaves" represents the change i made recently - quitting my job. the resultant and very evident big mess of leaves are the loose ends - no way to pay for this that or the other and where to go from here when i feel so bad. it also is a public mess now, for all to see. before, i could hide behind an income and daily routine that i despised, but let me pay the bills, eat out, and overall "keep things together" just the same way a plant dying of root root will, despite its condition remain "whole" and apparently alive... even though it isn't and cannot usually recover. that is the perhaps the scariest part... plants dead in this way, are non recoverable.

My realization the plants were already deady/dying caused me to see that i had not changed the essence of the situation, only revealed the condition of sickness and death. i don't think this dream was about a fear of change. simply a manifestation of a change already made. i was absolved in the end. it was not my pulling apart the plants that killed them.

Now the wondering (in other dream) about what to do with my pothos, which keeps on losing a leaf whenever it puts out a new and more sickly fresh one. that could be about fear of change. i may cut it at both ends, and let it re root in fresh water. see what happens. as for me. how to cut me at both ends. perhaps i've done that part. how to find the fresh water. perhaps any dream will do at this point. the teaching... any new road. any path other than the one i was on.

the stereo and the "infinity" (loop) setting was strange. and it did give me an eerie feeling. like it was something i should not press. maybe telling NOT to play it again, sam.

there are too many dreams for me to remember enough detail to interpret them all. but it seems they are plentiful and vivid enough that i have plenty to go on. perhaps that is why i am being bombarded.

i am also getting messages from the tv. every time i watch a movie there seems to be something that was put there for me. that part of a signal that was meant for me, right here right now. it's really weird. this has happened other times in my life but is not everyday. i set out to watch something mind numbing and it carries messages to me. rather mystical.... :o

~ waves ~

In Jungian dream analysis this gender muddle would be normal. Everything is a dream is us, but Jung claims that we each have an Anima & an Animus. A female & a male component. We often fight with our male part, men tussle with their females selves.

I went to my Jungian therapist in a real sweat one day early on in our work together. I told him of my dream: I had killed a man (before the dream began) and was stuffing his body in a secret compartment under the floor. Tdoc nearly fell out of his chair laughing, a response which I didn't appreciate in the least.

"Well," he finally choked out, "I've heard of women beating up on their animuses, but if this doesn't beat all, you just up & murdered yours!" He seemed to think it was healthy. It still kinda scares me.

not schooled in dreams. will work here with your interpretation.
 

Dear Waves,
You can find your voice. . . especially if you are listening for it.


The has happened to me too. . . usually when I am in-between like you are now or in a position to notice the signals. Perhaps we don't notice the messages most of the time -- just go right past them.


M

Dear BlueCarCal....
 

well i killed the plants didn't i?!!! (not by pulling them apart... but they were already dying ... unless i wanted to go full throttle victim mode, who would be responsible for state of-dyingness? ME... especially the rotting bit - stagnation.)

i studied Jung in psychology btw... don't remember all but do recall the male/female bit. in any event the gender of the child in my dream was not established so it would be hard to go there one way or the other.

yours on the other hand was a very interesting dream you had also. i don't strictly subscribe to Jung's theories in terms of discrete psychic terms more than i do Freud's but there are aspects that make sense to me. in your dream as in mine the killing had already happened. we don't know under what conditions. the dream was about concealing it. i might venture that it told you of a fear to recognize traditionally male aspects in yourself... that you'd rather there be no such thing, and if there were it definitely needed to be safely concealed where it would not come out to haunt you.

the other obvious possibility is the man represented a father figure? (Freud might ask you if perchance your mother had manly features!)

Seriously, which makes more sense to you? i don't know what time in your life this was. could have also been a bad relationship time and this was you getting rid of or wanting to break your ties to that person.

while the latter would not hold with my general trend to view other humans/animals in dreams as parts of ourselves, i also don't think that is universally true. i still think it can vary and it is up to us to interpret the players based on who we know ourselves to be.

Dear Mari
 

thanks... that makes sense.

sometimes, i think that in order to really find it, i need to sing. it sounds ludicrously literal perhaps :o but...

Anyway, i cannot sing right now, because i messed up my voice over the past several months. it is healing but fall allergies are dragging that process out. maybe the radio was scratchy because my real voice is scratcy. most ppl can't tell but i can. and for spite of the scratchiness, besides the little opportunity, i emm... well, i simply don't sing. maybe the dream was about singing scratchy until i could "find my way clear."

--------------------------------
[regarding the tv messages]

well that is actually quite comforting. makes me feel a bit less crazy. again, thanks. :hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

last night....
 

i had REALLY weird dreams last night about a psychopath wanting to exterminate a whole settlement of us. he found a way to turn us into these fluffy small flowerheads - dried or paper ones, no plant aspect... basically helpless.

i found out he planned to convert us permanently, and then to have the turquoise ones ones, the worms, the only non-originally-people ones, who lived underground, to come up, and eat us all up when in flower form thereby exterminating us. note: turquoise is kinda like, my color, but i did not notice that in the dream. these were only different in that they were worms not people, and had the capacity to come up and "suck the life" out of us when in flower form.

i was trying to figure a way for the people to group up even while transitioned to flower form, to focus whatever powers we had, and to kill the psychopath (only way to stop the worms). we could fly in formation and concentrate heat energy on his head. this should be equivalent to a laser and should put him KO. i thought. it was hard communicating to the people - we had to use telepathic exchange because he monitored every room. also, how were we going to practice this without being "noticed." he'd already offed a few disruptive individuals....

i wasn't scared in the dream though. it was more about how can we survive? and the different color flowers, other than the worm ones which we didn't know weren't people at first :eek: were as pretty as they were seemingly harmless. i worked with the red-flower team but it was a circumstantial thing - first office i could sneak into without being seen. the funny thing is, i don't remember what color flower i myself would become, or being on a team myself at all.

then in the night i snuck into the psycho's "other" office (?) to see if i could find information on how to prevent the transitions.... it was complicated. oh, the psychopath had a clear face in my dream. it was that of Anthony Hopkins.

this is the first night in a while that i went to sleep about 1.30ish and woke up spontaneously just before 7. that's what, 5.5 hours straight. that's excellent. other than the psychopath and the flowers.

----------------------------------

ok now i have to ponder on this one. elements of self-destruction and self-conflict. attempts to draw on multiple resources, especially creative resources and experiment. art comes to mind because of the colors. but it is still all in pieces to me. it is yet early (only 8 am). i have to think.

~ waves ~

Yes,

I need to sing to find a point, to remember a point, to get something out.

If a person could not sing, she could find her "voice" by writing things out, drawing pictures (random pictures would be fine), working with clay or dough, or even glueing tooth picks together.

A person could use her body to find the "voice." . . . even if only to work on tapping out songs or poems with the fingers.
maybe. . . tapping rhythms, melodies, or chords. . .

What can you do with your hands? I used to find kneading dough to be deeply satisfying because I was connecting with myself.

M

when i write music it comes and goes... it goes as fast as it comes if i don't have a recording means or a means to reproduce (play and or sing over and over). same with poetry. both require privacy/solitude/safety in that. i haven't done anything in those departments since living alone (2006) and i had only just re-started... :(
draw, paint, etc. limited by mess making. the last time i even tried a pencil drawing in this house my mother got into knots about the erasure dust. let alone when i used oil pastels... very hard to get out. oil is my favorite medium colorwise. i can't use real oils at all because of the smell (bothers her, not me ironically, even with windows all open. i really need a spread so cannot do it outside comfortably. i have expensive brushes, paints, even an easel... rotting in the garage. :( i also have oilsticks which shouldbe easier but the smell is still an issue.

the easiest would be pencil drawing. i could try that again. i don't even scribble any more.

there is also macrame-type jewelry and beading... but again, supplies not up here... no room for them. :( if i had the energy to clear out/organize some things, maybe i could make room.

i honestly don't "get myself" as to why i can't write poetry using the computer. sure, used to be i'd do everything on paper but in later years, some was written directly on the pc... after it arrived in my head. i mean nobody is going to read my screen. i dunno. it just i can't pick the time. those things "happen" i have never sat and said, right, i am now going to write a poem/song.

~ waves ~

Breakthru!
 

you really zeroed in on what was true for me here. When tdoc said I'd killed my animus, it clicked. I knew he was right long before I understood why. But I did eventually figure it out. It was "the time in my life."

I had a computer consulting business in CA & had depended on a lot of my animus strengths to keep my business afloat. It was fun in a way because I worked mainly with ranchers so was around critters (whom I've always prefered to people), but overall it was high stress & not really "me."

When my mom died & I discovered my dad was in midstage Alzheimer's, I sold home & business & stayed with him 24/7. But I needed income, so I tried writing. Couldn't sell on my own but was offered a job ghostwriting. Heaven! No marketing, no business, just writing. I could be just me for the first time in my adult life.

But the habits of a lifetime were hard to set aside. I found myself being competitive. Not being satisfied with the ghostwriting, thinking I had to have credit. Wanting to tell people, "hey, I wrote that book, not _______." that was the animus, and consciously I kept trying to not act on those impulses. It was a constant battle. So ...

I killed the animus (in my dream).

Yep. Not in the "present" of the dream. You're right, I was trying to conceal it--from myself, though. You see, my dad was hugely proud of my success in the CA business. He had been a successful businessman & had always wanted me to follow in his footsteps. I think I didn't want him to know that I was delighted to shed that career. So I wanted to conceal the "body" of the evidence.

Thanks, ~ waves ~ , for helping me to put more of the puzzle together. I understand much better now that incredibly complex relationship of my father & his daughter. Astounding.