Exercise "program" .... I am trying to dance at home
 

Today during quiet hours, while dad was asleep, i put on the long-wired tv headphones, and danced.

i didn't last long. :o
i didn't time myself, but these are the songs i did:

I Love Rock & Roll by Joan Jett & the Black Hearts
Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf
Games Without Frontiers by Peter Gabriel

i had to re-start Magic Carpet because i got interrupted... i'm guessing i did 12 minutes tops ... i need to work up to at least 20 without getting a stitch! :o:rolleyes:

i didn't mess around though - i mean, i moved.

now we'll see if i can manage a repeat performance 3-4 times a week. it will take that much to make a difference.

-------------------------

this is dual purpose. it isn't just to get fit..........

exercise is the only antidepressant i can tolerate at this juncture. and i don't (won't) go out of the house.

~ waves ~

Those old rock n roll songs just get moving too, I should try that every day.:cool:
regular exercise just isn't as fun as some good old semi loud rock or even some country songs that just have a really good beat.

good for you waves!!!! I am off site getting my car looked at my main battery pack light came on....not good. am waiting t osee what it is wrng with it and if it will have to be replaced like 4 years ago. so I am at honda. the key board is at the level of my shoulders not good ego. not good for my wrist. pecking with one finger is very slow.....
keep dancing and stay safe please.(((((((((hugs))))))

thanks Jo and Bizi for your replies. (((hugs)))

i am hitting new depths of depression after reading the rest of the threads this morning.

it's like what am i even doing here anyway.

i need the squashed-like-a-bug mood.

~ waves ~

Hi, Waves,
I didn't read the other threads. . . . . stopping by this one as I get ready for work.

I want you to know that I've been hoping to see you do some exercise. Getting into yourself physically is a great way to find your voice you mentioned. I'm excited for you that you found a way to exercise without going outside.
Your goal of doing three songs three or four times a week is wonderful.

M.

something a little different today... practicing music
 

Thank you Mari! :)

3 songs ultimately won't be enough of course... but i will step up gradually. the 3 or 4 times a week i think is the more important part for now.

today the parents left well before quiet hours so i took the opportunity to sing/play instead. i sat for some but did others standing/moving (Wicked Game and Lolita). sing + guitar + dance/sway = decent energy output + breathing discipline.

considering how little i did though... i can still feel my arms... like LEAD BRICKS! :rolleyes::eek: perhaps after i build up the dance time, i'll add wristweights to help strengthen my arms.

i had a different problem a couple of times too. a couple lines hit me out of the blue like a knife in the gut and i stopped cold in a flood of tears. i mean, i've gotten teary while performing before, but could usually channel it back through the music. this was different... it was poignant and ripped me OUT of the music. it was weird.

i dunno. it may just be that today i am feeling really really bad. i felt bad from the get-go and have been feeling worse and worse.

-----------------------------
i also realized that space where i dance could possibly accomodate some yoga. the nice thing is it's off to the side and partitioned off by a low table, a chair, plants boxes and ... general mess. :p so i just have to buy myself a proper mat for that and/or just stretching. winter is coming.
-----------------------------

thanks so much for your encouragement on this. :) i really can use it.

i hope you have a good day at work! :hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

I have mixed emotions from your post waves. happy for you that you were able to dance and sing and play guitar..I think that you are so passionate about your music that it is a release too...you are probably grieving over the loss of your job and also the trauma that you have endured.I understand your crying.....
wish I could give you a hug and let you cry on my shoulder.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

yeah... release
 

Dear Bizi

yeah... probably... and actually there's a lot more happened recently i can't even post about that probably contributed to the job "loss."

i will say, before moving to europe, i used to sing pretty much daily. so i got that release... daily. prolly never got as "pent up" as i am now. well that makes sense! thanks for helping me figure that out! but i never thought it could get to this point!!! i'm gonna have to fix this somehow. dancing will be good but it won't replace singing/playing.

hey, now i remember one of the lines that blew me to bits:

pushing through the darkness
still another mile <--- that's what did it

hmmm. a reflection that i just couldn't make it another inch in that job? wow. looks like you pegged that one, too! and you didn't even know the line!!!

btw the song is by Abba - "I Believe In Angels." not sure what started me playing it either. it's not one of my covers :o ...

:confused:

~ waves ~

more hugs to you today dear waves.
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
bizi

All the best of the best.

I love dance. If I can get the right movement & really hear the music (groove & move... :icon_rolleyes:)it's an absolute high, good as any drug I've had.
And no side effects. Yeah.

I hope while you're moving & dancing things get sorted for you. I wish you could find a place you love to just go & be...but short of that I see you're succeeding in finding times to shape your environment. Good for you.

Like everyone here I'm pulling for you & not a single qualifier on that.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/im...onsb/heart.gif:heartthrob:

oh I do like what blue car gal just said.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

today not looking good
 

i don't know if i'll be able to do anything today. this morning i was tired and the parent's were awake on and off anyway. they have now left but dad will be back shortly. if he sleeps.... we'll see.

also i was thinking of what music to use - for dancing purposes. half my youtube bookmarks have disappeared due to copyright overall or copyright "in my country." blast those people. :mad:

i looked through the small stack of CD's i kept out of the garage ... 4 years ago or whenever the heck i had to squish back in here. goodness knows what state i was in. hardly anything danceable. i can't even find Dreamboat Annie which i usually take everywhere... it's probably up here but unfindable... WAHHHHHHH. :Bawling: i should bring up the lot from downstairs but i don't have space unless i organize or get rid of some stuff... requires decisions i can't deal with.

sigh. ok this "program" is really not going as intended. i just want to sleep, and i CAN'T!!!

~ waves ~

I am sorry you were not able to find the music that you wanted. sympathize with you on the not being able to sleep when you want to/need to.
It sucks.....
Will there be quiet hours that you can utilize again, is that everyday?
bizi

I'm so sorry ~ waves ~ . I'm still trying to kick the Abilify & find sleep too. I'd takes it with snores even.

I found this in my "Drugs I Can Take without Committing Suicide" file:
The dog one anyway. The rose is just to say I hope you fall asleep & feel better soon:In-Lurve::hug:.

Dear Bizi
 

i was sooooooo tired today and sounds were too loud.

my nerves were jumpy after i had a cup of coffee, and dad came home and made normal noises in the kitchen but every little thing was setting me off. the sound of things being wrapped/unwrapped especially drives me up a wall - but today everything seemed louder than usual. it is evening now, after dinner, and i have gone for the earplugs. i can't use them all the time, but it will help mute the mom-washing-up clatter. i couldn't even stand the sound of cutlery at the table. :(

the good news: coffee or no coffee, i guess i was SOOOOO tired, that i actually slept (after dad stopped making noise, and retreated to his room). i slept like 4 hours - sort of interruptedly after mom came home because she ... is noisy. but i still kept falling back asleep.

other good news: i found Dreamboat Annie... in a "special" place where i kept just a few things when we had the painters in. the other few cd's went down to the garage along with bunches of stuff i had laying around, but not that one. :cool:

oh sure, quiet hours are in the afternoon and throughout the night. but my parents need to be out or dad needs to be asleep for me to be able to dance then. quiet hours are actually a nuisance because i have to use headphones (i.e. dance with a long tether), and i can't, in alternative, sing or play during that time. and they don't prevent outdoor noises like hedgetrimmers... :rolleyes: which bother the heck out of ME if just want to rest.

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

glad that you got some sleep and found your cd!
bizi:hug:

Dear Waves, http://bestsmileys.com/dancing/6.gif

I commiserate with you. 'Sorry that your dancing to your music did not work out Friday.
Sending hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug:

thank you Bizi and Mari.

i slept again tonight, some, but am still restless and tired simultaneously. i had weird dreams and suppressed them immediately... could not deal.

Mari i love the belly dancer, thank you.

-------------------------------

unfortunately today's outlook isn't much better.

mom up at 7. then dad up at 9 - mom left but he is cooking. he is very linear about cooking, and in any case this is a dish which requires a long process. so my guess is he probably won't be done or will only barely be done, by the time mom returns. ERGO, no privacy window.

it's a wash perhaps because i don't know if i could do it anyway. i have had a REALLY REALLY bad time of things the past few days (d/t emotional whammy) and i am so sensitive to stimuli i am keeping earplugs in. i watched a half hour of stupiTV last night, with phones over earplugs to really block out the rest. i don't know if i could do loud music. :(

i am so restless. i feel like my spirit is crawling around in my body trying to get out. :(

~ waves ~

Could you get out of the house and walk/jog in the neighborhood?this would help with your restlessness/ You could wear those ear plugs so you would just have the visual distractions to deal with.
Some fresh air would also be good for you. What is your weather like today?
bizi

starting to feel desperate
 

i don't think so... the earplugs don't plug everything.
believe me screaming kids in the park are louder than what earplugs can plug.

i can't stand a lot of things. the cars going by will bug me. people going by. movement around me. even the light is too much - i have the shades partly drawn and even my parents have finally "got" i think from my bark-withdraw, bark-withdraw behavior that I AM A MESS so they didn't attempt to open them more than what little i did.

i want to go in a convent. only problem is i'd have to find one first - too hard.

a psych ward would still have too many uncontrollable stimuli, and i can't pay for a room, so i'd be in a ward with others..... waaaaaaay worse than at home.

i really want an "off" switch ... that i could somehow turn on again now and then to "check" if i'm ok enough yet.... sigh.

~ waves ~

wow, you sound terrible. I am sorry.
when do you see your pdoc/tdoc?
hugs to you my dear.
(((((gentle HUGS))))
bizi

thanks Bizi

i see pdoc/tdoc tuesday, probably for the last time. i will make clear to him i can't pay any more. then, we'll see. right now, in this shape getting to his office going to see him is an ordeal -- 1 hr 15 mins into/through the city is way overstim and he has already said he can't give me anything else or made other types of suggestions. :Sigh:

i just drank about 3 beers-worth. the last part was a liter one we tried and didn't like it.... i drank most of that because i started to feel better........

better is good............ but not in a good way, if you know what i mean. :o

~ waves ~

I'll drink to that!:wink:

Lol
 

Awwww, thanks Bizi! ;)

right now i AM STILL drinking.... good ol H20 though, in desperate attempt to rehydrate - am already feeling mild headache onset so i need to really push the water now. i know from experience, if i drink enough water for long enough, i will not end up with a monster headache. sigh.

unfortunately i cannot repeat this "temporary cure" of drinking beer tomorrow. and besides it was NASTY beer. blekhh.

but we'll see how tomorrow is. at least i got a sort of "break" tonight.

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

waves, mind if I 'chime in' here?? Music can be very soothing, energizing, calming, well, let's just say it's good for alot of things. One of the things that my DH missed the most being hospitalized was not being able to listen to music. I don't think any of you here know this, but he is what I lovingly the 'world's oldest hippie'... he started getting the magazine Rolling Stone practically at it's inception, and still has a subscription today. He loves all kinds of music, very eclectic tastes, and had quite a HUGE collection of CDs, we're talking hundreds and hundreds. And, believe it or not, I was a Music Major in college. I was a singer, classical mostly, opera, etc. I was in many operas at my college - Indiana University, where they have the world's largest, and famous School of Music. Also, we had an eBay store selling CD;s, cassettes, and, yes, even records. All of that was lost in the fire, including, of course, his and my music collections. He wasn't able to listen to any music at all for three months. We had his music blaring last night, and he welcomed that!! He also used to play guitar, and I bought him a new one; now we just have to tune it up. He really wants to get back into his music! :)

So, getting back to EXERCISE, have you ever heard of or seen ZUMBA? My sister takes a class in it, and I've seen on my cable guide that they have a Zumba Class on TV also. She said doing that really makes you sweat... We have vowed to try to stay in shape an, to that end, I have already purchased a motorized treadmill, which is set up in our basement. Now all we have to do is get down there and start using it! I also purchased an exercise ball, which I used a lot when I had Rehab after my back surgery. I really enjoy using that!

On a different note, it's terrible that you won't be able to continue with your pdoc because of money - what are you going to do instead? Is there a Health Center or Clinic with a sliding scale? I don't think I ever had a chance to tell you how sorry I am that you lost your job.... that must have been a big and shocking blow. :(

Try to keep up with the dancing!! I am not very co-ordinated when it comes to dancing, but it sure is great exercize and keeps your spirits up!

Dear Jacquie
 

First of all thank you so much for your thoughtful post and THAT did not escape me! (answer: please, chime away, i love chimes, and sounds like you've got a voice to go with yours too! ;)

i am so sorry, by the way, that you and hubby lost so much in terms of music... i don't have anywhere near so many CD's but as it is i cannot listen to music out loud most of the time - have not even had a stereo in ages and the PC sounds ratty. i miss being able to just put something on to listen to, also.

i believe i would have been better off doing something along your lines than what i did, educationwise, but i was not mature enough to figure it out - i went to college young. Well, to fast-forward, life took over like an avalanche and i'm now going on 8 years of very patchy employment (more un- than anything), my "respectable" line of work and bipolar episodes having torn me to bits, over and over and over again, over the years.

a quick clarification on my job - i was getting sicker and sicker and finally quit by choice. it was a contract so leave would have been unpaid ... quitting was ultimately best. when i'm ok i will explore other lines of work like perhaps teaching.

pdoc - i don't know what i will do yet. we have state care in this country so that is available for free. i don't know the ins and out of that and there's a lot more to this whole issue, but for now, i will probably just remain sans therapist and let my GP keep prescribing my current meds.

i have never heard of that but i can try to find out. i am not up for going outside right now though or to a class. class would also mean money. this reminds me, i used to have a mid-sized ball that i used for floor exercises and i did like that! i had one a bit smaller than a beachball and made of stiffer plastic but with a little give. unfortunately i lost the pamphlet with the illustrated routines - it was quite thorough. i remember only a few. :( but it is an idea i will keep in mind... create my own exercises. it is something i can afford and execute in-house.

yes, i will. i feel this is my best bet. the past few days i felt absolutely HORRIBLE but today went a bit better (unfortunately no private time on sundays though). I'm going to shoot for tomorrow if i do get a privacy window. And if i do, it will be all songs from Dreamboat Annie.... Magic Man, Crazy on You, White Lightnin' and Wine... etc... the faster ones. I'll repeat if i run out of songs before i run out of steam but with the shape i'm in, that's not bloody likely. :eek::o

hey just wondering... do you ever sing for your hubby? would he like that? when i was in the psych ward (ok, you are going to either laugh or scream) i had my folks bring me my guitar and i used to sing. in group rec, in the hall, outside on the grounds, or in private (room). i had several patients tell me they liked it, but by far the most powerful memory i have is of a woman who was profoundly depressed, and always had this glazed-over, expressionless sort of look. one night she came down the hall to where i was playing ... apparently it echoed down to her area. i stopped thinking i'd bothered her until she came closer and i saw that she was smiling widely, her eyes were bright, and she said, don't stop, i came to hear... WOW. that was so cool. :o:)

anyway thanks again, and i'm sending you and hubby some musico-therapeutic vibes.:sing:

:hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

exercise channel reporting...
 

i come undone. first i couldn't get started but i did and .... now i've already washed up and i'm still running > 100bpm. :o i need to remember i can't push this much yet. when i started running, years back, and would get a stitch, i would slow or walk until it remitted, then pick up the pace again. no problem. i can't seem to get through my thick skull :Bang-Head: that i am currently

-- almost 10 years older
-- a good 40 lbs heavier
-- those almost 10 years i was holed up and much less active than ever in my life

it follows i cannot expect my body to do what it did before. pulse still 100. sht.

today's program (changed impromptu from planned Heart CD) ... had Abba on hand...

Dancing Queen - stim song, always LOVED it
Knowing Me, Knowing You
S.O.S.
Voulez-Vous - got stitch towards end :(
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! - cooldown

...for a total of ~ 15 mins workout + ~5 mins cool down. Sort of. That song I did not pick - I should have picked another or just stopped.

-----------
you know, it is freaking difficult to navigate angular furniture, tv's and oscillating fans, moving fast while TETHERED (albeit with a 5 yard cord) to a dang laptop!!! today i dang near took myself out! i do have strategies... i wrap some of the cord around one wrist... unravel as necessary, change hands when i turn, etc.... but BOY, takes a bit of the "feeling" out of the music and motion, ya KNOW??? :eek::rolleyes:
-----------

i feel less quaky now - my heart must have gone back into its socket thank goodness. i am having problems with coughing again lately, dunno if it is just allergies or my lungs "purging" because i abused them for four months... sigh, never learn. voice a bit trashed too. anyway today after pushing past the stitch, i ended up with chest pain (now gone) probably need to follow up with the pulmonologist - i dropped the ball on that, partly due to cost.

92 bpm now. ok i'm good. AND i'm done, whew. gonna feeling my ankles tomorrow. and goodness knows what else. oh boy. I KNOW WHY doctors don't prescribe exercise: because their patients would NOT COMPLY regularly enough, that's WHY!!!! they need to invent an exercise PILL. :cool:

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

I like your play list. You are doing great. The exercise is going to help you feel better about yourself.

M

cause and effect
 

thank you Mari,

yesterday i was a complete wreck after that, for the whole day, physically. i wanted to sleep. stayed awake via caffeine until after dinner and then passed out like lightning no movie. slept 9pm to 3am then woke up. napped again 7ish to 10am.

today i am predictably "feeling it" in muscles EVERYWHERE... like even what seem like intercostal muscles!

My ankles hurt more last night than today however. i also had sesamoid pain (barefoot on bare floor probably a bit much at current weight) but arnica gel + warmth overnight fixed it. for good measure, i will apply more for today's trip to pdoc. not looking forward to that. :o

only thing is my knee... i fell on it hard months ago and it only recently stopped hurting completely. yesterday and today it hurts a bit. not sure if due to specific motions or what. will just have to be careful.

seems i am a bit all or nothing when it comes to this dancing. come to think of it, i am that way with many things... sigh.... moderation.... what's THAT :o: .... oh wait. isn't that a bipolar problem in general? :o :thud: :Sigh:

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
Take a day off today. I say that in case you need someone to tell you. In fact, you can take two days off. Your goal was to dance to three songs three times a week for a few weeks and then work up to more.

Dancing is good. Take it easy. I'm going to bed. See you later.

M

Thanks Mari

i hope you sleep well.

i was not planning to dance today. but it's not a day offf...

i have to go to pdoc's... kinda like, now. i need a lorazepam i am shaking. :(

nite nite, and thanks again. (((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Waves,

Oh. Yeah. I remember about the pdoc appt. Ugh.

I hope it goes well for you.

M

good news
 

HI.

well, today, i did take a day off sort of.

my mom wants me to look up washing machines. about 6 brands and then i have to wade through specs.... i started but i got very upset because she started to argue with me about how to do the search (without any clue as to how the sites have the filters set up or what i can select etc) SO... i quit, for now. i will do it later.

anyway, the good news.

i saw pdoc yesterday. he feels my hypersensitivity (to certain sounds stimuli etc) will probably pass gradually. He thinks it is a rebound reaction from not being bombarded at work yet having to constrain reactions for the most part. Mom made a good point when i came home: the real question is, when you go back to work, how do you deal with the bombardment without getting overwhelmed after N weeks or months. Take that up next session.

that's right. i said, next session. at the end of the session i said ok, well at this point, i am hard up for cash so... (interrupting) he waved me off briskly saying oh no problem don't worry about it. he wasn't even expecting me to pay for yesterday but i had planned for that. i mean, that would have been rude not to say anything in advance... i suppose at that point i could have saved myself the extra bit o cash, but that felt cheap, if you know what i mean. so anyway i made sure asking if he intended that he would see me the same as before i was working and he said yes of course no problem. so that's that....

:Dancing-Chilli: i have pdoc again!!!! :Dancing-Chilli:

but i won't see him weekly for now, because going outside is just so darn hard. i hate the exposure even just to take out the garbage. :( when i told him that he set my next appointment for week after next instead - still not far off.

he said the dancing is very good even if i don't do it 3-4 times a week. he says it is a good use of the energy i have.

he is seeing a moderate agitated depression or possibly a milder mixed state - i.e. not DSM-V spec full MDE+ME. He said even if mixed, that depression seems predominant, and that i am at risk for a pure MDE. but the agitation he thinks is from stress (ehhh... i don't think he got how many manic sx i am still having but this too is not high severity, so no matter... if they escalate i will take it up again next time or call.)

anyway he said channeling the energy through exercise at this point will get me into my body and out of my head, which counteracts the depressive tendency to be closed upon oneself and "in one's head." he said even better the fact that the exercise is dance because it is expressive. he stressed not to make it into scheduled, rigorous thing, because then if i didn't manage this or that time, i would end up browbeating myself and obtain opposite results (makes sense - but what a relief to hear him say that... i felt let off the hook!)

:Sigh:

~ waves ~

oh waves!!!!!:Dancing-Chilli::Dancing-Chilli::Dancing-Chilli:
you have him back/still!!!!!!I am so happy for you and glad that you paid him this one last time.
he is so good for you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

another day off? more like a really off day...
 

i am feeling flaccid and lost today.

a vague sense of torment has taken up abode upon my chest. and no, it is not the intercostal muscles adjusting to the increased singing sessions.

yesterday i accidentally (as always) wrote a song. it was positively black, hopeless. and this only a day after i'd talked/agreed with pdoc that this is not a "severe" depression. the song was basically a deathwish. :(

today is worse! i had privacy but did not even have the energy or will to try pick up the guitar. dance was out.

nothing. all i've done is eat... not to excess, but not for hunger. seeking comfort. but not finding it. i tried to read and had a hard time focusing on the book.

i have not started my mom's washer research i promised her.

i have had 2 cups of coffee but no agitation at all. still stim-sensitve. i opened the window and shut it for horror of the invasive outdoor sounds.

~ waves ~

Waves,

UGH about the dark song. That's not a good sign for someone not in a severe depression.

The washer research can wait. It is amazing the things we can make ourselves feel guilty about.


Keep getting through your days and nights.
'Sending you lots of hugs and good thoughts.

M

I am sorry that you are going thru this...wish you felt better.
hugs to you tonight
(((((Hugs))))))
bizi

thanks Bizi and Mari

i don't know what else to do. today is just startign... i went through a bug scare while i was eating (UGH!) that put my stomach in knots physically.

i had lots of sleep and just feel like sleeping even more. i am not sure that it is good though. started having weird dreams again too but i can't remember them well at this point.

thanks for sticking with me.

:grouphug:

~ waves ~

sorry about the bug scare...ugh is right!
WE have big cock roaches here...hate them!
bizi
I just noticed that you mood said dead....I wish you felt better.

Dear Waves,

How was your day?

I'm really pleased to read that you and the pdoc are sticking with each other.

M