Disappointment
 

I'm not ready to share what the specific "disappointment" is......but perhaps I will some day. My question to you all is this. Have you ever been so incredibly disappointed in the decision of somebody you love and not been able to voice it without alienating them or causing hard feelings?

I was told of the actions of one of my boys today......actually my youngest son.......but he's 24 and not a child anymore. He's an adult and able to make his own decisions without Mom butting in or voicing her opinions (especially if I haven't been asked).

Anyway, it's not anything illegal or morally corrupt.....so I guess I should be thankful at least for that.....but I just cannot help but feel profoundly disappointed and just a little hurt. I'll get over it. And thinking back on my own life I'm quite sure my Mom and Dad are snickering and saying "what goes around comes around, honey"! :rolleyes:

I think it is inevitable that sometimes there will be a huge disappointment in a loved one.

I've been through 3 biggies .... survived them, and moved on.

With time, you might find the disappointment is not so large anymore. This is not to minimize yours, at the moment. But I do understand. :hug:

I consider these, "bumps in the road".

Who was the big tattle taler? That's who I'd be angry with..:mad: Why do people tell you something that will hurt you and yet be something you can do nothing about.:rolleyes::(:mad:

(((((Kelly)))))

Thanks, MrsD. In the big scheme of things I'm apt to think it's really not that big of a deal. But.....given my circumstances and limitations I just would have thought that he'd have made a smarter decision. Or at least thought it through more thoroughly. Or at least thought of me!

But, it's not all about me. Not really about me at all. As a mother I tend to first think of my children - and I guess that's normal. Kids don't always think of their parents (or in my case their parent) first and I guess that's normal, too.

I get so mad at myself for even feeling disappointed. Because my kids have been so good to me and helped me immensely over the past ten years or so. Maybe I just expect too much from folks and then feel disappointed when they don't live up to my expectations. It helps to put it in writing, though.

Well, YES! I have been stunned, shocked, and quite dissappointed by choices that both my children have made. Look at the latest fiasco with "sticky head" My son chose to stay in a relationship that he knew was abusive. He knew she was doing illegal, immoral, and unethical things, and yet, he chose to turn his head and stay! Broke me in bits to leave him there, or watch him drive off with her in tow many times.

Watched as my DD experimented with some drugs because a few high school girls wanted her to be "more popular" it was a hard lesson to learn, and she learned it well that you cant be popular by being stoned.

Dont even get me started on my mother. For years I keep hoping that she will simply let go of my drug addicted sister, and yet she keeps funneling money her way. She allows her to steal from her, use her, and be abusive of her. I used to beg her to move in with me so I could keep her safe, and provide safe harbor. When I did speak up, it only caused hurt feelings.

In the end, you can only control your own behavior and choices. You have to lean back and hope that all of that upbringing you did for those kids will stick. that the little voice inside his own head will lead him out of deep waters and back onto the shore. Keep praying. Let him know you are there if he needs you. We are here if you need an ear, or a shoulder. Im sorry you are struggling. :hug:

Yes, I have been in that situation. It's like a punch in the gut, but of course you can't look at your clueless offspring and say, "What do you MEAN it's nothing personal? Hello, I'm your MOTHER! Did I raise you so stupid you don't know you're breaking my heart???"

So you look at your clueless offspring and say, "It's your life, dear, you have to do what's right for you." Then you cry all night.

That's been a hard thing for me to get my mind wrapped around, that a parent automatically thinks, "How will this affect my child?"...but not vice versa. At least not very often. *sigh*

Been there more times than I like to think, Kitty...but I disappointed others plenty of times, too. I feel blessed that I was forgiven...

We as humans learn the easy way, by taking others' lessons to heart, or we learn the hard way, and cause ourselves, and our loved ones, immeasurable pain.

I hope in time that the disappointment eases for you, dear...:hug:

I'm sorry, Kelly :(. And yes, I've felt that disappointment too. Hopefully, he'll come to you and discuss it on his own when it hits him that 'this may have an effect on mom'.

Sometimes we just expect a little bit...more...from them. A thought would be nice. Many :hug::hug:.

Thanks, ya'll, for all the replies. I'm sorry so many can relate to this but glad I'm not alone in the way I feel.

I actually feel better and know that he's not doing anything to me. It's me that's making me feel like this. I know there will be times when I think my kids could make better decisions. But.......not every decision will be made based on what I think or want. And they shouldn't be. Now I feel very selfish for even feeling disappointed in the first place. :o

I think there should be a warning at the beginning of the "How To Grow A Kid" manual that states no matter how old your children are you'll always be affected by what they say and do! :rolleyes: ;)

when i look back at myself in my teens i was still so naive and inexperienced in life. i remember being self centered and thought my parents were there to cater to me. after all, they'd been doing that for so long.

i know as more time passes in both your lives this too shall pass.

OMG! can you imagine if you had to raise yourself?! :eek: I would not have wanted my own mothers job. With my out of control sis, my bully brothers, and myself in tow...NO NO NO! I am not sure I would have handled it with as much grace and dignity as she did. Poor woman. :D

Part of living and growing up includes making poor choices, and hopefully learning from them. My life sure has included plenty of poor choices. :D

That said in my family we are pretty frank and if one of us acts like a fool someone will call you on it. Its not uncommon to be like "Are you freaking kidding me? What were you thinking" and then we move on. I enjoy the fact that we aren't artifically polite and we know the love doesn't waiver.

I am TOTALLY with Sally on this. Did this person tell you but not confront your son about whatever it is?

my guess is that telling you was a whole lot easier (and underhanded) than going to your son.

Did telling you do anything positive?

Listen to Sally, she has it right.

Okay, you two. :winky: Yes, the person that told me did speak to DS and told him what they thought. I'm hoping it's weighing on his mind tonight and he changes his thought process on this. He's more apt to listen to them than to me. I mean, I'm "Mom".......what do I know? :rolleyes:

I am probably totally wrong, but I have been playing this scenario out in my wild imagination since yesterday :o. I hope you feel much, much better today, hon :hug:.

I see you were awake really late, K. I hope you get some sleep. :hug:

Hi Kitty,

I am intentionally not reading any responses after your original post so as not to muddy the waters and affecting my response.

You situation is not unusual and you identified a correct "diagnosis" within your post in saying, "... he's 24 and not a child anymore. He's an adult and able to make his own decisions without Mom butting in or voicing her opinions (especially if I haven't been asked)."

There is a point we cease to have the freedom of overt parenting and must simply watch our children make bad decisions and learn by dealing with the consequences. We are obligated to be fair and up front when we are "asked out opinion or for advice." At which time should you decide not to voice your feeling with him, you may be performing a disservice to him even as a friend.

We never stop being their mom or dad, rather we move on in our relationship by being solid friends and are there when needed providing insight only when asked.

Sounds to me like you are one heck of a good mom, yet not immune to the pain of watching our children learn and grow through their own actions. For us parents, one of the hardest parts it to stand by and watch, knowing full well the consequences coming down the road.

So to keep those who are curious from coming to your own conclusions here's the "disappointment" I was referring to in my first post. I know that my own imagination, if left to itself, can come up with some mighty wild conclusions. ;)

My youngest son is planning to get a full sleeve tattoo. His whole arm! Not going to start out with a small one in an inconspicious place in case he doesn't like it. :rolleyes: No.....his entire arm! :mad: The money to pay for this is from a quarterly bonus he got from work. He earned the money. He should be able to do with it what he wants. I just cannot help but think that this bonus would more than pay for my rent for the month! Not that he is responsible for paying my bills......but he knows that I struggle and an offer would have been nice. I would have said "no" but just the fact that he even thought about it would have made me happy. This is such a selfish "want", in my opinion. I thought I taught him better than this.

My oldest son told me about this. He has a small tattoo on his upper arm that doesn't show unless he goes shirtless. He told his brother that he really thinks he should start small. He's not one to "preach" to his brother and I wish he had said more to him but what he did tell him was probably enough. I asked him to talk to him about it more when they spoke the next time and he promised he would. Younger DS tends to listen more when older DS talks to him.

I'm not against tattoos.......just would not ever get one myself. Mainly because I know they hurt! :o And it's just not within my personality to get one. I know this may seem mild compared to some of the things some parents contend with and I'm aware of that. I'm just itching to tell him that 15 years down the road he's going to probably regret this and wish he could wear a short sleeved shirt without people assuming he's part of a motorcycle gang.

Somehow I feel partly responsible for this because I feel like the past ten years my kids have been shouldering the "burden" of trying to make sure I'm okay (due to DH's death) and then due to my dx of MS. Neither of which I could have done anything about but I still feel guilty because of it. I feel like he's finally feeling like he can break free and live his own life and this is just a result of that. Plus, his girlfriend has one on her back and I think she's influencing his decision. If he'd just wait 6 months and then, if he still wants it, then do it I'd feel somewhat better about it.

Okay, anyone who is still reading I want to thank you. I didn't mean to ramble on so about this. On one hand I want to tell myself "shut up and count your blessings that he's not taking drugs or doing something else illegal". On the other hand I want to tell him "please just wait a while and see if you still want this as badly then". It's alot of money to spend so foolishly. But that's my opinion and I wasn't asked for my opinion. So I'm keeping my mouth shut.....hard as it may be.

Thanks for all the support....ya'll are wonderful people. :grouphug:

Thanks for that explanation. I like others here had many thoughts as to what it could be.

In a nutshell this looks like a "guy thing".....

I think for Moms...we tend to think our boys will keep our beliefs and habits learned at home. I believed this at one time. Silly me!!!!
But alas, the "man thing" starts up and then well, Men ARE from MARS .... LOL

Many things going thru my son's brain these days are just alien to me. But we did have a good time on vacation. He broached some problems which seem mighty significant to me, but he seems to be handling them better than last year. He is 30 now....How DID that happen?

OH! there is a girlie involved! hehee...men will do silly, crazy, wild dangerous, and expensive things to attract a mate. They shave their heads, they buy diamonds the size of their pinky fingers, they rev their cars at stop lights, and work hard to attract and thrill thier potential mates. If you are not of that age, and thrilled by those things, you simply stand by and shake your head.

My son takes wonderful vehicles that are in great running condition and perfect mechanically because he fixed them, and takes them THRU the back woods, with axel deep mud, and dangers, to impress his girlie. Comes home covered in mud, cant see out the windsheild pumped up so full of testosterone that he can hardly walk straight from his escapes into the world of cave man style mate selection. The gas he wasted! The time he will have to spend now cleaning that machine (he doesnt want to clean it, its a badge of honor!) and lets not even get into what an insurance risk he is putting up! (can you hear the grown up in me?!) I almost cried the first time he came home with a tatoo on his precious little arm. its the chinese symbol for Fire! he wanted at the time to be a fireman, and worked hard on the local rescue squad. Now that he is grown, and doesnt work on a squad, he looks down and realizes how out of place it looks. but that didnt stop him from getting a band around the other arm that says 4x4 all the way around, for mudding in the woods!

The best you can do is speak to him. Let him know you have "heard it thru the grapevine" and while you cant help but have your own opinion about it, that you hope he will slow down a minute. Think about how many other toys that money would buy. Think about how many other girlies may or may not want a man who is "sleeved out" Tell him you love him either way, and let him go. Soooo much easier said than done, but you have done a great job! He wont learn how to walk if you dont let him scrape a knee, or decorate his arm. ((hugs))

UGH!! A full sleeve??!! What on earth is he thinking? Maybe your older son can talk him into getting a smaller one somewhere that is easily hidden. He lives in Georgia for goodness sake! It's gonna be hot as hades and someday he WILL want to hide it if only for work purposes.

I'm sure he hasn't told you this yet because he knows deep down that it might be a mistake and a waste of money. I have a tattoo that I got when I was 20 and believe me, I wish I could erase it now :rolleyes:.

Kids. What can we do but hope they think for a while before they do this type of thing. He does still live with you (at least part of the time) so I understand why this would bother you so much. He could be paying a portion of the rent instead. Don't feel guilty, K. None of what has happened in your lives is your fault. Remember that they are grown now and you have done everything possible to make their lives easier. :hug:

He's about completely moved in with his girlfriend. She bought a house last year - he helped renovate it - so I guess he feels like part of it is his. :rolleyes: He still has some of his bedroom furniture here but for the most part he lives with her. It's been almost a week since I've seen him.

Maybe I cover up and minimize how much I struggle physically. I really don't want either of my boys to worry and fret over me. They've had enough to deal with in life that's not their fault. I don't want to be a burden in their lives. I want them to live their life and enjoy it. But, on the other hand, I want them to worry about me - at least a little. Older DS does....sometimes too much....but younger DS seems oblivious to it. I hate being so wishy-washy. I need to stop thinking about myself so much and just realize that my boys are adults and have the right to live their life the way they want to. Oldest DS does not strain my "worry muscle" like youngest DS does. He's very mature for his age. He's promised to speak to him about this. I even told him to use the "Mom guilt" card if he has to! :o

This too shall pass................

Well not to minimize but as a young person without children to support I don't think a "selfish want" is out of line and it is very possible that he has thought about if for the past six months. Both his brother and gf have one so I wouldn't blame her for it.

I do get it and the truth is I still feel slighted that my mother, who doesn't have unlimited resources, purchased another young horse that I will likely be responsible for caring for when she passes away. Although I'm a grown woman I felt as if she was being selfish for not thinking about what my future financial needs may be and yet when I think about it rationally it is ridiculous and I'm the one being selfish. No one is responsible for caring for me but me. :(

Jules, I do agree with you and I'm not blaming the GF for this. I really love her and think she has a good head on her shoulders. And I'm not against tattoos, either. I really don't like them plastered all over someone but one in an out of the way place seems okay. I'd never get one anywhere.....so I'm sure that is clouding my opinion.

I'm much less upset about it today and I'm very glad oldest DS told me about it. At least this way, when and if younger DS decides to bring it up to me, I won't have a knee-jerk reaction to it and I've had some time to formulate a response that won't shut him down completely.

I think my biggest problem.....and it is my problem.....is that I still view them as "kids" and not the "men" that they are. Do we ever see our own children as adults?? :confused:

This is a great way of looking at it and I agree it is better you have had some time to process it and put it in perspective.

FWIW I think sleeves are pretty cool and if I were to get a tat that would be it also. Back in the day when girls got them it was something silly on their shoulder so I just never bothered and now I'm just too stinking old, lol. Go big or go home is my motto. :wink:

I don't know if we ever see our kids as adults either. It is frustrating! I wonder if when they are 40, will I still look at them like children??:o:confused:

There ARE health consequences of large tattoos:

Problems with MRI machines for one.

The information on this site will help you Kitty in any future discussions.

http://www.fda.gov/ForConsumers/Cons.../ucm048919.htm

I think the source of the inks, is rather scary myself!

My dad (along with virtually every other military man of his time) had a tattoo, navy-type, maybe 3X2" on his upper arm. Back then there was no stigma attached to tattoos, at least not that type.

For the bigger part of my life, though, tattoos had an undertone of "bad". No "respectable" woman had a tattoo. To a great extent, tats meant hooker, ex-con, circus act, or gang member. At least that was the vibe.

I'm smart enough to know that I'm way behind the times on this issue. Nice people have tattoos. People I wouldn't have guessed have tattoos. My son has one (itty bitty). My GRANDdaughter has one (we won't get into that). I wouldn't be surprised if my daughter did, but she's bright enough not to tell me. ;)

They're just so...permanent.

Well, Kel. I know how hard this is.:hug:

I remember when my boys were in high school. Their dad had died two years earlier. They both wanted tatoos. One with the date of his death and the other wanted his initials.:(:o

Well, they both bugged me it seems like forever. I gave in. I think to them it was like I was still fighting with their dad....sad but true.

At least they were able to be covered up. They are 22 and almost 20 and they both have thanked me recently for letting them do it. I dont THINk it will be something they regret someday and come back and bite me.

Its so hard to let them grow up and make not so great decisions but I am
in awe of your wonderful boys and the job you have done.:hug:

:hug: Kitty. Yep our boys will never be adults to us...until the day you look and you see a little gray hair or baldness! Then you realize ...oh yeah!! :D

I knew immediately when I read your first post that it had to be a tat. That is the one thing they "hide" from mom until it's done. At this point, if it were my son, I'd tease him about it before it's done and just remind him to make sure the tattooist uses the most up to date cleanliness practices.

I also commend your oldest DS for ratting him out! He knows you well enough to know your shock when you first see it...so he prepared you. Shows he's paying attention more than you think.:cool:

I take it all back about the tattle tale stuff. I didn't know is was your DS who informed you. That is completely different. :hug:

I hope DS 24 grows up a little and gets something a little smaller and with the bonus money, buys you that juicer you want and need!!!:cool:

I had not even thought about that, Sally! What a great idea!! Maybe I'll drop some hints! :cool:

A statistic I heard a while ago said that one out of FOUR adults aged between 21-30 years of age have at least one tattoo.

Twenty five percent.

So,getting a TAT is not even rebelling anymore and they're ugly as hell!

Tell him to get his ears pierced, then he could hang somethin purdy!:D

What a cow some of my family/friends had when 33 years ago I allowed my 6-year-old daughter to get her ears pierced! I told them, "I'm going to be saying 'no' to plenty of stuff in years to come. This is small potatoes."

Can you imagine??

B2y, so funny! I remember having to wait for my 8th birthday to get my ears pierced. It was a HUGE deal to my dad. He was one of those people who said "if God wanted you to have holes in your ears you would've been born with them".

My oldest son's girlfriend, she's only 20, has her ears pierced BUT she has those big, round things in them that stretch the holes out to about an inch in diameter :eek:! Boy, is she gonna regret that someday :cool:.

Yeah....the jokes on her 'cos they'll look like that naturally if she gives it enough time! :p

He stopped by to pickup some of his mail this evening. Didn't say a word about the tattoo and neither did I. Unless he brings it up I'm not going to say anything. I'm feeling better about it now......and sort of embarrassed that I reacted so much to it! :o I'm glad I know about it, though. I always prefer to think before I speak.....and this is one of those times it'd be a good idea. ;)

I'm sorry, but doesn't this define what a mom is and does when dealing with an adult child? Sure sounds like good, solid, common sense adult parenting to me. Over reacting to the situation? I don't think so. I would more concerned had you not reacted and felt the way you did. As parents, our job is to set standards acceptable within society, but more importantly, within our own families. You sound like a great mom to me!

Tattoos or "body inking" is so common place now most companies, including police departments, have incorporated guidelines within their personnel and hiring polices.

However, regarding the core subject of this thread, I don't know of any company which wouldn't consider a full sleeve arm tattoo extreme. If accepted, the individual would be required to wear long sleeve shirts all the time at work and no portion of the tattoo visible.

Then again, we all must keep in mind regarding situations such as this, our silence is interpreted as approval.

Thanks, Craig. And everyone who's given me their opinion on this. I've thought about it alot and am very relieved that I've had a chance to process the information and work out much of the "shock" before DS tells me - if he even does. He might go ahead and get it without even talking to me. Which is fine. He's an adult and doesn't need my approval or permission. But, I do hope he talks to me about it before he does it.

What I plan to say to him is this. I'm going to ask him to start out small....maybe a small tattoo on his back or upper arm. Just to see if he can 1) tolerate the pain and 2) see if he likes having a permanent drawing on his body. I won't say anything negative about it....just ask him to start small and then, if he still wants it after he's gotten the smaller one, then go for it.

There are so many other things he could be doing.....drugs, crime, etc. that a tattoo seems rather tame. He's a good person. Works hard and has a good heart. And he loves cats! ;) That's gotta count for something!

Thanks, everybody, for letting me talk this whole thing through and for letting me know I'm not a "crazy Momma". :o

I swear that is one of the top three reasons I fell for DH. You did a good job raising a hard working, law abiding citizen he will make the decision that is right for him. :hug: