I want to kill myself **
 

I was a healthy, happy pretty decent kid. All I really cared about was my health and the health of those I love and then I got inflicted with CRPS. Now I can no longer do anything I love to do without feeling pain, frustration, and depression. The area has affected my lower half so I am afraid that I will be sexually dysfunctional the rest of my life.

I just don't' want to live like this. I'm not strong enough. If it was any other affliction it'd be one thing, but a life without sex or feeling good in my own skin is just not what I can put up to bargain.
** I have no other reason to live anymore.

Hi there
I am so sorry you are feeling this way and know there will be others on soon to talk to.

I had to do 2 small edits to your post because of our guidelines on suicidal posts, even here on the SOS forum. I feel deeply for what you are going through, even though I do not know you.
Some things are just very very triggering for others who are also struggling.

Please do try to hold on to hope, even though I know things look so bleak now.
Sometimes a glimmer comes in such unexpected ways

We care
:grouphug:

Hi 310Girl. I'm sorry you are feeling this depressed and wanted to remind you that you aren't alone. Depression is a beast and it takes daily courage to stand up to it. And throw unrelenting pain into the mix...it's a real challenge. Melody Beattie wrote an excellent book, A Reason to Live
I highly recommend it.

Suicide is a hasty choice...and the ultimate act of desperation. Please don't choose it. :grouphug:

310Girl...I've been sort of where you are...in some ways. I know, all too well, that sense of desperation and it's awful. Depression is a horrible, indescribable thing and it robs us of so much...regardless of what causes it. And, in your case; when it's the result of a disease..I think it makes it so hard to understand and deal with.

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. I don't know you at all, but it would hurt me a lot if you made that choice. I have a disease, too, and I know that I will die naturally. When I've been depressed I've thought of "hurrying it along"...but I don't think I'll do it; I'm just so frustrated by the uncertainty of tomorrow that I get afraid and, like you, I'm not sure I want to go through some of those things. But I can do it and you can, too.

Please keep hanging in there, girl...we can do it! (((hugs)))

I'm really sorry you're feeling so alone and desperate and in so much pain.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread4982.html
What to do if you are alone and thinking about suicide

.

Hello 310Girl, I know how and what you are feeling. MORE than most people do. I am going to send you a private message with my phone#. I have tried to kill myself 2 times. I also have CRPS/RSD. Please call me or text me. I am a wonderful listener. :hug: Karen

A good point was brought up. HOLD ON! You don't know what tommorrow will bring. I know with my crps I have good days and bad and recently it seems to be a lot of bad with the rainy weather.

We are all here for you and each other and you did a wonderful thing reaching out. Many of us have sat and cried, wishing for death or amputation. (me included) but we all keep hanging on.

I know for me GOD has a plan to use me and my disease. Either to support others like me, to educate, or whatever it will be.

There are many of us here for you so remeber HOLD ON!:grouphug:

I wanted to add, that if your pain is out of control you need to contact your doctor, if you can not reach him, go to the ER.

copied from a previous post i made




TIME FOR AN INSIGHT


16.02.93

I returned to work after breaking my back [2 lower vertebrae discs squashed]
i returned not because i felt 100% healthy, but for monetary reasons, debt, poverty, and the niavity that i could do something in the work place rather than sit at home and earn nothing, urged me to return,

On the day of my return i chose the night before[foolishly] to give up smoking and wore a nicotine patch to work. In i walked with a doctors note stating light duties and a mind full of enthusiasm to get back in the work saddle, i had been off work over 18 months.

upon my return i noticed my former role as foreman had been filled [understandably] but noticed very quickly the Doctors note was not given consideration. I was actually placed on the heaviest job in the factory.
It did not take long for me to wind myself up, and get very angry about the total lack of care or support from my employers and colleagues.

to cut a long story short, i left work stating a further sick note would follow, went home via a pub, consumed a lot of alcohol, and whilst my wife was in bed....practically severed my left hand............


In A+E [ER] I was treated with little sympathy, and was treated very discourteously [in the UK NHS staff see attempted suicide or self harm very poorly....time wasters..........do it properly save us a job of nursing you...attitude


A nurse actual said to me...'the only way too get on in life is to suffer in silence.'.. she was politely saying most people don't give a **** about your problems, they have their own.

I spent 9 days in hospital, my wife visited on the second day but not again...nobody else came...

My wife left our home with our then 10 month old son...her family had told her..... him or us.....

ALLTHOUGH MY FAMILY WERE INFORMED [WELL PARENTS]
NO ONE RANG...OR CONTACTED ME.


2 WEEKS LATER
My wife came home stating she could not understand my reasons but wanted to be with me...........her family remained silent much longer ....mother in law 7 months, brother in law 1 year...two sisters 2 years and father in law 26 months.........................


My father sent me a card saying hang in there after a fortnight
..i had a letter from my mother after three months, telling me to grow up take responsibility for my family and act like a man.

and a brother in law who told me i should have cut my throat and done the whole family a favour......................sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhh



Fifteen years on all my in-laws talk to me.......though not about what happened....it never happened and must not be discussed


My father is now dead.......... my mother...is happy to talk .............but not about emotional issues.........one brother talks if i phone him ..............the other 8 have not been seen or heard from since my fathers funeral in 1996.............


So for those who survive the other spectrum....life is not much easier.....the elephant is not in my room but remains in the rooms of others around me........
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx


today 22./9


310 girl...........6 months ago i started with terrible pains all over.........never went to my doctor..........last week one problem i went to seek help with & diagnosed with TMJ...........my doctor asked about other pain,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,seems i have Fibromyalgia / Chronic fatigue syndrome or Rheumatoid condition..............

18 years ago [7 years ago, three weeks ago] i thought i cant cope that's it..............END OF........

im still here............struggle evey day......battle on............hope and pray it gets better.............every second of the day

my heart goes out to you [please listen to both song links below]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrrdLO8fie0

David:hug:


David
__________________

Hey, DMACK :hug:

Thanks for that! The timing is right right for me to read this again.
:sing: Addy

Thanks for all the kind words. I still am in distress, but I am feeling a bit better. My parents found a note, panicked, and have taken me to my college to see friends and regain hope. They didn't think the bed ridden stuff alone at home was helping my psyche. I am still unsure about returning to school but if my outlook and pain improves I may to keep myself sane. I still feel very suicidal but I am trying to cope. My pain is somewhat better after two nerve blocks and I am praying that they will heal and put this in a state of remission. All I have is faith, but even so I still have little desire to live if this remains the rest of my life.

310 Girl....

Your words are mine spoken or thought many a times. I've been fighting this monster for 8+ years now. The key word now is.... FIGHTING.

Oh how often I have wanted to give up and walk out of my skin, FOREVER. I have a few unsuccessfull attempts.

I won't tell you that you will have good days and bad days... but you will have bad days, better days, and not so bad days.

The others who have written before me offer great information. Please know we understand....there are plenty of members like us... and others who have lost loved ones to suicide. If it weren't for those I wouldn't be
here... I get to see their pain from losing someone to suicide and I would never want to cause my family, friends, other who may love me that kind of pain.

Hang in there.... (I know I hate that term too) but somewhere out there someone is working on something to help us fight this Monster called RSD.
:grouphug:
Abbie

310Girl....I'm glad to hear that you have faith because that's a good start. It's something that you can hold onto, even when you feel so alone. I know it's not totally the answer to any problem....because our problems and pains and heartaches and loneliness continue, but it's something that, somehow, gets us through some of the darkness and allows us to see the slightest glimpse of light.

Earlier this year I went through something that I'd never thought would happen to me....and, yes, I wanted to die more than anything. I'll be the first to admit that it was rough...really, really rough. But there are people who depend on me, people who love me, people who care, and the people on here who care tremendously. And I had to learn to love myself again, which was NOT easy! I'm working hard on that...

I hope that we can help you to begin to "feel the fight" that we each have to reach for ourselves. I believe that all of life is some sort of fight...good or bad. But I know, too, that we have an inner strength that can get us through a lot. I hope you know that we all care about you so much.

please please don't
 

my dad killed himself when i was 19
he was an amputee before i was born
i'm 50, happily divorced, mother of 4
LOVE BEING A MOM (NEVER A THOUGHT IN MY LIFE, WISHING I DIDN'T HAVE THEM)
MAY I PLEASE SUGGEST ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE WITH YOU FIND THAT ONE SOMEONE. PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF THE AGONY OF DEPRESSION WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL HELP!
just never be alone, when your feeling it
after my fathers suicide
i thought, how could someone even think it
whatever the situation may have been
but now living with ailments i that i have no control of
as many others do in many different forms
i have been visited by the beast
i was mortified
with all the beautiful wonders in life FAMILY, FRIENDS WHO ARE THERE
ready to catch us
the sunrise and sunset
even on those black cloudy days
the sun shines
i am still in a state of shock that i, thought it, because of physical PAIN
that has taken simple things from my life, my passion cooking and watching my family eat
PLEASE DON'T GO
FAITH IS BLIND,
i love you
sooooo much support here
eva:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

dear one's
 

please read the link
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread157771-4.html

Hi, 310 Girl:

I have been fighting this monster of full body RSD for more than ten years. It is not easy everyday. There are good and there are bad days. I had no support with my family and with my coworkers, so I wanted to die. I thought no one would miss me and everyone would think "good riddance" when I die. Then I remembered my two-year-old baby boy, my police officer boyfriend, and my cat, who I love dearly and who love me dearly also. Besides that, I remembered all the kind and loving people on this forum and other forums. I want to live for all the love all these people gave me.

For your physical pain, you need (I know it is not easy) to find a doctor who will be willing to work with you to find the best combination of medications to help you. Nowadays, there are so many medications that can control the pain of RSD. Hopefully, at least one will be effective for you.

Remember you have parents and friends that love you. You also have the people of this board and other forums to help you and love you. Like you, I still feel suicidal at times, but I push these thoughts away. I think : "I am not going to let this monster of RSD win. I am going to win. I am in control, not this monster." When people tell me I am stronger than I think and that RSD does not deserve that I die for it, it gives me more will to live. I sincerely hope the same will happen with you.

I have chronic, generalized, internal RSD, which means I will live with it for the rest of my life. However, it does not mean RSD has to win. I am determined to fight very hard to win. I believe that someday, scientists will find a cure. You are still young; you could benefit from it. A lot of research is being done by good and qualified doctors. Keep up hope! :hug: