don't want to go on. feel dead inside.
 

i don't how to go on any more.

i have a deathwish. i already feel dead inside.

i don't believe i would act on it because i'm afraid of success and failure:
--success because it would hurt my parents too much.
--failure because i could end up in worse conditions, with same deathwish.

i feel guilty for the deathwish. i believe in life but i can't seem to wrap myself around it any more.

objectively, i know i have so much more "going for me" than many do, despite the obstacles. but i can't seem to make any use of it.

i thought i knew how to walk around the proverbial pit, but here i am in it again.

thanks for listening anybody.

waves

Well dear lady I certainly can't hit the thanks button on that post! :hug:

Feelings pass...and are replaced by more feelings. I certainly understand that you want the pit to stop beckoning you...please remember that the black hole has sides and we are here..reaching out to you. Try to look up..you are loved by so many and needed too.

Your parents are a good reason not to act on those temporary feelings...trust me when I say from experience...they would be crushed with guilt and longing...they would never be the same. :grouphug:

And don't forget to reread Pters wise words about the beast of depression...stickied at the top. Hugs...and more hugs.

thank you Alffe for posting back to me.

i just want to be with ppl who "get it."

i can't talk about this with anybody in real life.

i have read Pter. will reread. can't hurt.

I wish I knew what to tell you, and that is was something to make those feelings go away fast - but all I can think of is that it will pass at some point I'm sure.
Many of us care and hope & pray that things turn around for you soon.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

If this were my thread, I'd title it much the same as you have dear (((((wren)))) :Heart:

I've been struggling with the demon beast for many weeks now...

thoughts of why am I living are being outweighed by who and what I'd be leaving behind...

thanks be to those who are here to listen to us :grouphug:

(And... um :o.... I hit the thanks button on your post... cuz I thank you for saying what is in your heart) ... then I removed it cuz of what Alffeee said :confused: cuz there is no way I'm gonna support you ever leaving us!!! :hug:

(((Addy))) stop hugging wren! *grin It's waves who needs a hug and sounds like you do to! :grouphug:

hello waves
 

You were one of the first to respond to me last year when I joined neurotalk. Please do not give up, give in or get defeated, and I will too. I feel the same way alot of times as I am going to loose my home, on top of family issues and my health. I get some comfort from hanging around such good people here. I often can't find a reason to go on. I still try to find meaning and something good in each day. Pain is constant, I know about that too. so many here suffer. Please keep writing and being here. I care about you and never forgot your kindness to me. ginnie

This site WAVES...... is like a daisy chain.......we link together for one specific reason...............together we are beautiful ........... separately we are a Daisy


joined together in a chain we are strong,,,,,,,,,as strong as metal chains................ invincibly.

When one feels weak we pull together to support that link................we remain joined in support for BEAUTY of Support of each other................THIS TIME WILL PASS [i told myself this 9 days agO...im still here ]

Much love and care and support to you my dear friend,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,:grouphug:


listen below [please]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8X5_XsFtXtw

David:hug:

:Oops:

yeah I meant waves... :o and wren!! ;)

:o

(((Jo, Addy, Ginnie, Alffe)))

thank you all for your kind responses and just for being here for me.

Jo*mar, thank you for posting and for your prayers. you are right to a degree - it will pass... or at least, attenuate. i feel this is an existential malaise that will continue, as an undercurrent, as long as i do not live true to myself. but over the years, i have lost myself, so i don't know how to do that. so i feel destroyed within. an empty shell washed up on a beach. scary.

Addy and Ginnie, i am so sorry you are in this stupid pit with me. i will keep you both in my prayers. i pray a lot lately even though i have a sort of eclectic faith, so i don't always use conventional prayers. but sometimes i do. :smileypray::sing:

Ginnie, i remember when you joined up also. you made the most amazing supportive posts to people telling us of your own successes and giving encouragement. what is going to happen with your home? do you have someone you can stay with? that is so scary. :(

i am so grateful i can confide in you folks here.

and to reiterate what seems like it may not have been clear enough in my first post - i am not contemplating - like i said, i'd be afraid of both success and failure. so i'm not really "at risk." i just... wish i weren't alive.

thank you all again.

(((for the room)))

waves

Awww
 

David that was poetic... as usual. thank you (((hugs)))

(((Addy))) it's ok and i concur .... (((wren))) too. no shortage of hugs. ;)

:grouphug:

waves

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIj-6fr2SlI

D:Ream
Things Can Only Get Better Lyrics

Send “Things Can Only Get Better” Ringtone to Your Cell

You can walk my path
You can wear my shoes
Let her talk like me
And be an angel too

But maybe
You ain't never gonna feel this way
You ain't never gonna know me
But I know you...
Teach you now that

Things can only get better
Can only get, can only get
They get on from here
You know, I know that
Things can only get better

I sometimes lose myself in me
I lose track of time
And I can't see the world's formed trees
You set them alight, burning the bridges as you go
I'm too weak to fight you
I got my personal health to deal with
And you say

Walk my path
Wear my shoes
Talk like me
I'll be an angel and

(CHORUS:)
Things can only get better
Can only get better
Now I've found you
(That means me)
(Will you teach me now)
Things can only get better
Can only get better
Now I've found you

And you and you...
You... show me prejudice and greed
You show me how
I must learn to deal with this disease
I look at things now
In a different light than I did before
I found the cause
And I think that you could be my cure
And you say

Walk your path
Wear your shoes
Talk like that
I'll be an angel too

(chorus)

Things can only get, can only get
Things can only get, can only get
Things can only get, can only get
Things can only get, can only get

(chorus)


DAVID:hug::hug::hug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :hug:

~waves~ across the oceans to waves.

Hope you feel stronger really fast. Feeling like an empty shell washed up on a beach certainly is a scary way to feel. I've felt it at times. I tend to force myself to do a lot of things knowing that they'll help during times that are very difficult. When I was really young, I didn't have the knowledge or insight to know that I have to do it or indeed exactly what helped. Feel better. :hug:

Sending Waves hugs and positive thoughts - and love

Lara, thank so much for the aussie waves. i so miss the ocean!!! :o

a week or so ago, i had more energy, and was trying to do things. now it is as though i have gone limp. perhaps now i've had this dental accident it is a blessing in disguise forcing me to go and move etc. but it is so driven by fear i am even more a wreck. we shall see. or should i say we shell sea.

when i was younger, ironically, i had ways of letting things out... i was closer to me. the shell was not empty. it was more about pain. i only had one depression like this later on, in which devoid of artistic anything... it was even worse than this and lasted months. i won't go there. it won't do any of us any good right now.

(((David))) as always the inspiring one... thank you. i am not so sure that things can only get better though.... just being honest my friend. i am sorry. i feel so guilty saying that.

(((Wren))) thank you for the good wishes and backatcha!

ok now i REALLY have to run to the hygenist. i got mixed up and left for the bus ... a half hour early... came back up. figured i'd check this thread... thanks so much again to everyone here. my brain is acting like it's not plugged in right.

:grouphug:

~ waves ~ from across the ocean

Good luck at the dentist waves....no fun at all. :( :hug:

thanks Alffe.

i'm not sure if this is what they call an "emergency" but i was not prepared to tell them that so i just asked for a cleaning. but when she sees the chunk of tooth missing i think she will call in the "big guy" ... so i hope to get a sort of a verdict of tye type:
simple rebuild
OR
crown
OR
crown+root canal
OR
yank tooth and bridge (yank maybe, bridge, NO WAY JOSE)

if he is too busy i might need a "dedicated" appointment. i hope not coz then he might want to dig in right away EEK. confrontation.

i want time to digest and consider 2 opinions before i let them do whatever they will... eeeks.

ok. now it's REALLY go catch bus time...

~ waves ~

Sending positive thoughts to you on the bus...keep us posted. :grouphug:

I'm blessed to live within walking distance of the ocean but haven't walked the beach for a year...

What has kept me from walking that beach?!!!!

I have gumboots, an umbrella, suncreen, ability to check tide levels on the internet, sunhat....

What's missing ... ? oh yes - my will ... I can't seem to find the will ...!

I know just talking about this will get me there again... because I love to collect empty shells....

My beach: http://www.borderlineups.com/cam.php?CamID=17

Waves, I'm so glad you started this thread...

Alffe, thanks for bumping up threads of reminders... each time I read an "old" thread, I realize that a "new" me is reading it!

Ginnie, I'm always so appreciative to have you pull up a chair with us...

David! :hug: Lara! :hug: and look, there's wren!! :hug: Jo*mar, thanks for all you do here at NT! :hug:

:grouphug:

Dear Addy, i wonder if we were neighbors, if my thirst for going to the sea would be enough to drag you to the beach with me. when you do find that will, bring my empty shell along in your heart to the seaside.

i know what you mean about will. i don't have the will to do most anything these days. whatever i do i sort of shove myself through. usually fear or guilt are involved. they are not great motivators. i mean, they work, but it is horrid living only in function of these punitive-type motivators. like offering/agreeing to cook even. usually something i might enjoy. now it's only about saving work for someone else, pulling a fraction of my unemployed weight. this chasing down tooth repair is for abject fear of losing teeth (and ending up living a long, listless life where i can't even comfort-eat. :o)

oh, the tooth. dentist looked at it. no pull. no root canal unless xray (separate appointment) reveals damage but surface of break reveals no caries. hygenist said inlay/rebuild. then dentist burst my bubble and said crown and his explaination of this case made sense. monday i have to go back for a temporary filling to help me "push out" having the crown work done - very expensive and i said i was hard up. then i will get a second eval from my parents' dentist. i hope he can see me next week.

and there went today. well at least i have something new to obsess about for a while... :Noooo::eek::Noooo::o

:o :grouphug: :o

waves

Waves ---- I promise you that a crown is OK. Oh, it cost as much as a small car ;), but it doesn't hurt and it's pretty easy to do.
I know because every tooth in my mouth except the lower front four are crowned .... except where the teeth are gone and it's bridged.

Try Umph
 

Wren- I like that! How wondrous the notion that trying with a bit of umph can produce success....... kind of like WAVES writing of grabbing Addy to head to the beach. I know it is in the reaching out to assist another I leave behind some of the pain, some of the dark pit feeling, some of that hopelessness which summons one to the brink.

Today, I was meeting with a young lady who SO needs employment and is looking to find that means somewhere to rebuild her life despite this economy, the rejection of lay off, the dread of going home wondering how to pay the bills. A sense of worthlessness had built inside her.... then she started attending a group of jobseekers I had started in our church [then expanded to the whole of Golden, CO] where we who seek could take advantage of that Daisychain of which David writes so eloquently. I started that particular chain because I needed to reachout in outreach so as to take the focus off of Mark and recognize in the giving there is growth, an overflowing well of appreciation from others, and the knowing of the taste of success every time one of those who were without achieve the new job. My remaining lady has GROWN so MUCH, and there is cheer in her eyes, sturdiness to her words, an endearing grasp of the desire herself to be of help to others. Wow! We were rehearsing a difficult interview with an interviewer who presented as though with blinders [Me] and she blew me away with her confidence.

Waves, I have most assuredly been where you are, as David and Alffe know. It is a hard walk to feel empty and tremor with thoughts of uselessness, thinking I might better serve others by my departure from life. I approached the pit. Faith held me back. Prayers of others held me back. And, oh yes, I tend to talk to God as though I am in God's presence, a friend having a conversation with another..... in my mind there is no recipe. Just lean when you need to lean, allow yourself to be carried if that becomes necessary, and look around to see whether there is someone who may need Your help, for in the giving you depart from emptiness and a fullness of joy overcomes you.
Anyway, it surely has for me.

This last weekend my wife and I drove a long distance so we could attend and I could sing at the double funeral of friends of mine from my former work. They had been vacationing and were returning home, a mistake on the road turning into a single car accident. So many tears were shed for those who in the blink of an eye went away. I wanted to reach out to help, and offered to sing. What a blessing it was to meet the gathered family, participate with the grieving uncle who spoke as pastor at his niece's memorial and, standing there in a beautiful memorial setting under the bright sun to lift up my voice and sing, trying to bring words of comfort to those who so grieve. Reaching out in outreach. It has saved me, and is one of my daily efforts to bring a smile to the face of another.

The following words describe where I was and the means by which I emerged in hope:

Out of Darkness, Hope
M Ridder
20100801

In the deep of my heart
a place filled with pain
a place, oh, so lonely,
may I reach out again?
To languish alone there
the light very dim
it seemed all steps forward
were aching and grim.
So easy the choice
could have been to remain
awash in self pity
alone still again.
Yet God in His great love
remained by my side.
He captured the sense
of this innermost plight.
The touch of His hand
burning clear to my soul;
redemption, salvation
shone light in this hole.
His fingers He wrapped
firmly ‘round pain filled heart
and cradled me near Him,
His sacrifice hard,
yet given His love,
price He paid there for me,
through darkness He reached
and with Hope set me free.


So, Waves, know this, that you are added to my list of those for whom I pray, in hope that you, too will find the freedom of hope in outreach to others.

Caring,
Mark56:hug:z

wow oh wow! Mark, you often make me cry!! Good tears, cleansing tears and you remind me that I miss having a church to go to..you remind me that I don't need an actual church to go to...HE is always there and knows my heart.

~waves~ :hug:

The Relationship rather than the Religion
 

Oh how I do understand Alffe, there is far more to the God relationship in a personal way that religion can muddle. Community in worship is a good way for kindred spirits to connect and touch base, but God speaks directly to the heart, to the person.

Gratefully,
Mark56:grouphug:

"muddle".....very diplomatic of you. :D Thank you for "getting it".

I didn't mean to hijack your thread waves...how are you today? :hug:

Dear Wren

thank you so much for the reassurrance about the crown. now just to choose...would i rather a car or a crown? (crown, if it's made of jewels and i can sell for a real nice car or an itty bitty apartment?) jk. it's in my bones. i guess that is a good sign if i can joke even though i can't make myself laugh.

Dear Mark

what a beautiful post... and poem. i find myself at a loss for words when usually i am quite loquacious, indeed verbose. if you remember past posts of mine, you will know. my faith is eclectic and shaky. so relationship with the divine... quavers. often though i do pray, and even in conventional ways. Steve helped me too with some Bible verses. you remind me i should go read those again. my greatest channel to God comes through nature but i feel isolated from it. maybe pictures can help. oh the sheer irony of using technology to channel to nature to channel to divinity. i find it hard to go out lately. i find it overstimulating. i even have to keep the windows shut to outside noises. when i do have to go out, i just try to be nice to people, especially service people that often have to deal with mean customers. that is the best i can do right now. is try to make their day nicer, or at least, less hard.

there i have managed to be verbose. ;)

Dear Alffe,

np, no hijacking perceived here. i just have had a hard time today. i have a rock in my stomach. right now i feel tears but cannot cry.

i took my meds and will go to sleep soon maybe. not sure. i am tense.

And to those who have read... for i also see some 'thanks' where folks have not posted... thank YOU ALL for reading, too. everyone here is keeping me afloat right now. thank you.

:grouphug:

~ waves ~

:D Waves (I'm a dental expert due to experience) lots of crowns are made of gold with some white porcelain for looks. When a good dentist removes one of these he offers it to you - it's yours - you paid for it.

Teeth are oh, so important but the way YOU FEEL is certainly the biggest thing. I hope you're feeling good --- I hope and pray you're SMILING. :hug:

waves, I'm sorry you are having a bad day...and you have a rock in your stomach...you didn't swallow those marbles did you? :wink: *whispers...not trying to make fun of your "rock"...trying to make you lol.

Please remember that you aren't alone with those feelings...we've all been there and they will pass. :grouphug:

Waves, a thought
 

Tears that Cannot Fall
MRidder 20110924

I hurt and linger here
filled by pain without much cheer
and, oh, the thoughts which wrack my mind
make difficult those ventures among my kind
but when I gather up my strength to step
into the world needs which must be met
I strive a kindness to bring to all
because in me are tears that cannot fall.

You are engaging in outreach Waves with every kindness you deliver to those who serve you. The way in which I have further brightened their day when they greet me is to say "I am blessed, thank you, how are you?" Ever farther, this simple greeting causes me to reflect on the blessings I have, even though it may be the simple ability to "get out." You, too, have this opportunity to initiate ever kinder reactions from those around you, thus increasing your blessings.

Prayin for ya, Waves,
Mark56:hug:zz

Mark, you quiet a way with words..... thank you

Hi Waves

uck I so know that rock in the stomache and the inability to engage the world and people in it. (((Waves))))

Oh, BTW I'm Free Kittens, another daisy in the chain.

Dear Mark

that was a beautiful poem.

i do what i can in my interactions with people. where i live, there is a delicate balance between a smile, a kind look, and even action... helping someone to keep working efficiently, and going overboard. one can't hang and talk to cashiers when there are 30 customers with full carts waiting, grumbling, each ready to lynch the cashier and anyone slowing the checkout, let alone by distracting the cashier with frivolous conversation. a cashier herself will start to tune you out like a batty old lady if you do that too.

asking ANY stranger "how are you" in this culture would be considered invasive and inappropriate and would not bring blessings from them i assure you, LOL. but i hear the general message. in that sense, i do the best i can. engaging people can be hugely difficult for me in this state. forcing myself would be the ticket to a meltdown, then, or soon after.

and sometimes things backfire too.

for instance, sometimes i pay compliments to strangers (clothing, accessories, a pet.) sometimes they are well taken. other people take you for a weirdo and walk away but that tends to happen more when i am manic and i'm guessing kinda gush. but the other day i quietly complimented a young woman standing next to my seat, on a her tshirt with a stylized cat design. she thanked me. i think, proably, that was where i should have stopped and looked away.

unfortunately i added that it was so original especially after seeing so many identical "hello kitty" designs everywhere. i was looking her in the face when speaking. i mean - i was not staring at the shirt fixedly or anything. still, within the next few seconds i noticed she brought her arm over which a long overcoat was hanging up to cover the design area (which included breast area). well the last thing i wanted was to make her feel uncomfortable but alas i think i succeeded in doing just that. :( i had made her feel self conscious, if not worse. :(

it is difficult to know when too much reaching out is going to be too much. or rather, you only know it's too much when you get such a reaction. another person might have been happy to engaged in a conversation about fashion trends, or cats, or whatever.

:hug::hug: i do appreciate your support. and your poems.

waves

Dear Free Kittens
 

pleased to meet you (((Free Kittens))) and welcome to our daisy chain.

http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/nature/flower.gifhttp://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/nature/flower.gifhttp://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/nature/flower.gifhttp://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/nature/flower.gifhttp://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/nature/flower.gifhttp://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/nature/flower.gifhttp://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/nature/flower.gifhttp://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/nature/flower.gifhttp://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/nature/flower.gif

thank you for posting to me. i am sorry that you also suffer with these afflictions. :( i hope you will find comfort here at Neurotalk. :hug::hug::hug:

waves

Context
 

Dear Waves-

You are so correct that in context, words offered by one from distant realms may be overwhelmingly incorrect. Out here in the midwest, the atmosphere is less tense, more open, a place in which even teh casual passer by will accept a kindness. My prior work and study has taken me to other cultures and study, as in SF and LA, CA; Chicago, IL; NY, yes the big apple; D.C.; Berlin, and Zurich where in the hustle and bustle kindness acknowledged in one culture would be invasive wholly appropriate where people want to be left alone and make that point A to B trip as swiftly as possible.

So, the poems, the thoughts are just that, possibilities which may, in appropriate circumstance, allow one to open the window just a crack. Light and freah air do refresh at times...

Caring for sure, and sorry those simple kindnesses you have attemtped did backfire,
Mark56:grouphug:

Dear Mark

I appreciate you. :hug:

waves