i don't want to go on. feel dead inside.
 

i don't how to go on any more.

i have a deathwish. i already feel dead inside.

i don't believe i would act on it because i'm afraid of success and failure:
--success because it would hurt my parents too much.
--failure because i could end up in worse conditions, with same deathwish.

i feel guilty for the deathwish. i believe in life but i can't seem to wrap myself around it any more.

objectively, i know i have so much more "going for me" than many do, despite the obstacles. but i can't seem to make any use of it.

i thought i knew how to walk around the proverbial pit, but here i am in it again.

thanks for listening anybody.

waves

:grouphug: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread157724.html

Sending some love across the miles. :grouphug:

Dear Waves,

Lots and lots of hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hold on. Keep yourself together every way you can. Tell the people around you what is happeniing. Also contact pdoc.


M

Dear Waves
 

I've been through that too. It's a scary feeling. I've wanted to die,but that was awhile back. Let some time pass,do what you can to hang on,and things will change.

You have so much life within you,though you don't feel it now. Hang on. We all love you. You will be OK. Feelings crash sometimes,for us who have these mental health conditions. Don't feel guilty. I know what you are talking about. BF:hug::hug::grouphug::hug::hug:

dear Waves
i am so sorry you are feeling so much pain....and suffering so much...bipolar is a monster...at times it ties are hands behind our backs and laughs at us....it leaves us feeling helpless and hopeless and spits at reality. then gradually things change....you have to wait for the change but you need to vent and vent and get the poison out of you. keep on posting about your misery and suffering and pain. we are hear to listen. remember that eventually it loses its stranglehold.
love
bobby

I am sorry waves that you are feeling this badly.
I hope you have told your parents how badly you feel.
and by now you have called texted your pdoc too.
I am glad that you posted in the sos forum as well...they get it.
keep posting, I will keep checking back here to see if you are on and maybe want to chat over the weekend too. Jeff is gone friday night
(((((HUGS)))))
love to you
bizi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_6vuSLlDCo





David:hug::hug:

(((Mari, Steve, Bobby, Bizi, Alffe)))

thank you all for your support. :o

there is no one i can talk to here. i cannot tell my parents. i've told them such things before and the replies were "don't be ridiculous" and "stop with that nonsense." or they just let it drop. when i have said in earnest i felt like doing myself in (past) my mom once said "that word isn't in my vocabulary.'

my pdoc is also my tdoc. i don't see that he can do anything for me. i can't take antidepressants due to the recent mania that was hard to quash - never took so much stupid depakote in my life. :(

i am too afraid of both success and failure to DO anything besides wish... so it's not like i'm in danger. tg because the general ward conditions here are awful and i can't afford a private room.

i feel that this is more existential than chemical. most of my life i have lived swayed by the thoughts of others. between that and manic impulses that do not last. ironically though during those times i have actually believed in myself enough to disregard others - and even good sense and go my own way, but it was always relatively short lived. manias end. depression follows if it did not precede but in either state the influence of others is heavy on me.

at some point, maybe i had choices. now, i feel as though i've lost myself completely.

waves washing up the empty shell

even if you are going through an existential crisis your bipolar is making it much worse. the intensity you are feeling cannot last for that long so soon you will get some relief even if you can't take antidepressants. it will pass...and growth will come.
love and keep on posting and give up on your parents
bobby

thanks Bobby.

yeah, i can't talk to them. i am so grateful for you guys here.

i sure hope it doesn't last long. i've had very long, deep, apathetic depressions before.... :o:eek::(

unpredictable though. bipolar is the epitomy of unpredictability isn't it. grrr.
love
waves

thanks David... missed this earlier.
i will listen tomorrow. i took extra meds and am going to sleep now.

(((hugs)))

waves

I experience that empty feeling also at times. It's like living a life in broken pieces,and there's no reason for this to be happening.

Hang in there. I hope that you feel better when you wake up.

I saw this program called,"Angels among us". This program made me feel much better. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Waves,
I hope Friday is better.
Soon you can get out of the bleakness.

Then you can go back to your existential questions about where you are in the world without letting the questions or answers bring you down.

M

thanks Steve and Mari.

last night i had a freak out. actually it is still going. one of my teeth broke. this is really traumatic for me. i can't explain... too long.

i am too tired to take lorazepam, too agitated to take coffee, and too tired and too agitated to go to the hygenist appt i got this afternoon. but it's the first step in getting the thing taken care of - if i leave the dentine eexposed things can degenerate fast i think.

this is all i need. it means having to leave the apartment a lot to chase down tooth repair. that is, provided the tooth is not already beyond recovery.

:Sob::crazy:

:Bow: to the inventor of lorazepam which, however, i am too sleep-deprived to take today :( maybe i will do a coffee-lorazepam combo. :rolleyes:

:Sigh:

other than that. still the same.

waves

Oh, Waves, :heartthrob: :heartthrob: :heartthrob:

'Sorry you are still the same.

You are doing great chasing down teeth concerns while in the middle of a dark mood.

Lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:


M

{{{{{{waves}}}}} :hug: I was so surprised to sign on here this morning and find this thread! Your posts have always been so thoughtful and helpful to me, and I hope at least some of us can make you feel a bit better about things :hug:.

I'm not bipolar, but have just run-of-the-mill depression in addition to my adult ADHD, chronic pain, fibro, etc., but I know how it feels to see your world come crashing down, and be able to live through it and come out the other side. You, perhaps more than anyone, have given me some very concrete advice, 'theories', and tons of support, and I hope that we are able to give you at least some comfort, a smile, and the support that helps you see what a valuable person you are!

Do you find any comfort in your music? I envy anyone who can sing AND accompany themselves! I've never mentioned this, but I have a strange neurological problem with my hands; a doctor said it was called synkinesia, and what it means is that my hands mirror each other when moving my fingers. I will wiggle fingers on one hand, and the fingers on the other hand do the same thing ~~ seems and looks weird, but makes it nearly impossible to play piano, or any other instrument. As with many other 'quirks', I've learned to adapt, but it remains a frustrating deterrent to doing certain fine motor activities... YOU, on the other hand (no pun intended!) can sing AND play guitar, andI bet you are really good! Do you write songs? Some folks can express what they are feeling through their music, are you in that talented group of musicians? I just sang, took piano for the first time in college :rolleyes:, but was given a modified piano proficiency exam due to my weird hands. ~~~ One piano prof at IU said he would love to do a case study on my hands, he found them so 'unusual' :o ~~

Anyway, all I'm trying to say is that you are doing the right thing to discuss it here amongst people who know, love and understand you :grouphug:. I hope you will get some sleep and awaken with a more optimistic outlook. Please keep posting; this place wouldn't be the same without you!! KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON !!

PS...I saw your "see no evil..." icon in your signature, a was a bit taken aback -- I guess that is reflecting your current mood ;) ?

dear waves
i hope they can save the tooth and i am amazed you have the motivation to go out now and try to save it.
i was freaking out when i added that part about your parents but i know what a disappointment they are to you. i don't know how to get rid of expectations that bring us down so painfully. I just asked a friend if he ever suffers fears and he says no because he keeps himself so busy he doesn't have time. I put in about growth but i don't know if that is true. I now basically think it is living through the episode. Practically all the time I turn towards God. that is the only thing that makes sense and the only thing i can cling to. I remind myself that sometimes i think bipolar is a gift to draw one closer to God otherwise one wouldn't have the motivation.
love
bobby

That's so true Bobby. Faith came up like a flower in the desert when I felt the need to open the Bible in my nightmare,and I was comforted. BF:hug::hug::hug:

hey wondered how your day is going?

what is the verdict of the tooth?
bizi

Donna

Someone who cares, but isn't sure what to say.

Donna:grouphug:

thanks Mari.

well at least i have something new to obsess about for a while... ? :eek::eek::eek:

:hug::hug::hug:

better to obsess than abcess....I know...not funny....:rolleyes:

Well, its better to change your thoughts to something else.

So lets go through it.

Donna:grouphug:

thank you Jacquie. i appreciate your taking the time to post to me. i know your plate is already over flowing

Wow, i appreciate that. i am certainly glad to have been of help. i stick around hoping to be of help, the way i was helped a long time ago. But also because i have very dear and long-standing friendships here.

as for me, you know that song that goes "well i've been to georgia and ... california and... any where i could run [...] i've been to paradise but i've ... never been to me." that's how i feel and that feeling has grown and grown. for many years, i had a different feeling, one of a coiled spring, that was ready to bounce into action, waiting for a cue... but i was waiting for Godot, and here i am the spring has lost tension, and i still don't really know where i was supposed to go... had i allowed that spring to spring. now, i am in fall no longer spring. free fall indeed. :(

fascinating as Spock might say. i'd not heard of that. i had never heard of synkinesia, but i do think that our bodies tend towards some degree of mirroring. yes, any instrument would be a challenge but, at least, no one can ever say that your right hand doesn't know what your left hand is doing, eh? ;) i wonder, have you ever attempted specific neurological retraining?
i am not prolific but i write songs yes, and poetry. it would be more correct to use the past tense since over the past ten years such occurrences have been rare. songs only when i have time/space/privacy to sit with my guitar and "fiddle" ... improvise... i used to do this with a tape running. and then if i caught anything interesting i'd extend the lyrics. in past depressions i wrote some rather dark music. recently i did this one day... but no recording so who knows if i'll remember it. and who knows what will happen to all the others i have tapes of. 20 year old tapes. and nobody sells tape players any more so it's about as good as having punched cards, probably worse.

thanks so much Jacquie (((hugs)))

something like that. a reminder to myself not to obsess over harm done to me when i am powerless to do anything about it, my efforts to do so having backfired violently (in my face where else)... so see ho evil hear no evil speak no evil... don't listen, don't look, and don't object - rather, turn the other cheek. it isn't entirely working. i'd have to poke my eyes out and i'm not ready to do that. but then nobody said life was fair.

waves

p.s. i am tired ... i will be back later, or perhaps tomorrow to answer other posts. but i appreciate all of you being here for me.

Thank you for posting dear waves, It takes alot of energy to respond as you have done.
I bet you are tired.
rest tonight, I will be around if you wake up and want to chat PM me...you know that jeff is away tonight so I will be on line.
A girl friend just invited me over...I wanted to go see her and visit and spend the night but I have a ll of this face stuff going on and maybe I use it as an excuse but I have also had a drink and have committed to not drinking and driving.
anyway
rest my dear friend rest.
((((((HUGS))))
love you bizi

Hope all the gals have as a good a night as can be had.
Thinking of you all.
Love
di :hug:

Dear Waves,

We are here for you.

M

Hi, Waves,

I hope you are ok.
'Sending good vibes.

M.

PS
Cleaning lady is here. We are getting things done.

hi
thinking and worrying about you. i know how it feels and wondering how the status quo is now. is there any lifting of your mood or is it the same? or worse? we care so much
love
bobby

Dear Mari
thanks for being here, and keeping on being here for me. it means so much. :hug::hug::hug:

thanks to everyone who has posted.

sorry i haven't replied to the prior posts yet. i started to and got overwhelmed.

:grouphug:

waves

Dear Bobby,

thank you Bobby. i am sorry to worry you. i am worse. i have ugly thoughts because of ugly events and feeling guilty for having those thoughts. i should know better than to let stupidity and or stubbornness and or arrogance bother me but once the poison gets in, it's in, what can i say. of course, only i can get it out, but i am not having any success. i cannot deal. it is too much. many are the things that have happened... it has been like a deluge starting with my trip, my job, but even lately. there is no reprieve it seems, not even here now.

i don't know if this depression started as chemical or stress but i know for sure it isn't just overwhelm from a job i despised in a field i have distaste for in a culture that rubs me the wrong way. and then i feel guilty for allllll that hate. i am reminded of Majo and how she hated her lab colleagues and the advice i gave her in different occasions, and how easy to say and how hard to do.

best leave God out of it too... i am quite sure what he would do with me... :(

love
waves

Dear Waves, :heartthrob: :heartthrob: :heartthrob:

Sometimes ANY change can help move you forward out of a bad mood situation. I wish you had more help moving on from where you are. . . .a talk therapist with a therapeutic program, a friend, . .
M

some "past due" replies.... before my credit runs out???
 

Dear Bobby
the motivation was called abject terror. i didn't really expect them to have an opening the same day but they did. so i took it... better than freak another week - hygenist only works Fridays.

some of my episodes last months and usually require medication. i can't medicate this one. what's worse, i have no friends, no support system here, and even the forum which used to be my safe haven... now isn't safe.

my faith is eclectic and shaky. sometimes i turn to God and other times i feel what right have i to do that with all my doubts - they should have called me Thomas. i also have a tendency to blend elements of multiple religions (like reincarnation, again with doubts).

love

more "past due" replies
 

Dear Steve
that is simply poetic! http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/nature/flower.gif

:smileypray::sing: :hug::hug::hug:


Dear Bizi
well i thought it was cute! (and also true when it comes to teeth.) ;)


Dear Donna
i appreciate the sentiment Donna. Thank you. :hug:

:grouphug:

waves

Dear Mari
 

thanks Mari. in short, me too. not sure how or where to fish for that right now. right now is when these things ought to be already in place, not the best time to seek them out, i guess :(

:hug::hug::hug:

waves

General rant
 

GENERAL RANT

i have a pdoc appt tuesday. we will see. i don't know if i should ask to go every week, just to force me out of the house. i wonder if at this point he will choose to medicate. he is taking NO initiative with meds (any more?). last time i asked if taking more or less of something might help. he said, no. so, changing tactic, i said, you don't think a little more depakote could help with the agitation? he said no, probably not. i said what if i took a bit more of my benzo. he said yes that might help. HELLO?????? what is this twenty questions???? i asked him well why didn't you suggest it to me then instead of waiting for me to ask! he said because i am so familiar with their effects on me i am the best judge. well that doesn't explain yes to one and no to the other does it??? the man was not making sense. :mad:

the friends i have here are... few and far between to give a generous count. it takes a long time to cultivate friendships, and when you've been home more than not, you not only don't cultivate, but lose the few you have. i find myself a fish out of water with most people here but do get on with the odd oddball, if you will. :o:rolleyes:

unfortunately my best friend here had her life turned upside with her mother being paralyzed - caring for her takes most of her non-working hours and leaves her physically and emotionally drained. she and i also live about 4 hours apart which further complicates things.

another two friends who were quite fun and smart, got married (to each other) and increased their sporting activities 10fold, or that is the excuse. i have called several times - they are too busy for the next month - great to hear from me - they will call me back - (they do not.)

another friend drifted off. our outings felt more and more empty and he was bothered if i called unexpectedly (a rarity) ... he seemed to become increasingly intolerant to interference with his lone wolf routine - perhaps says it all that he didn't have any other friends, either.

so there is a dual problem.
1. i feel at odds with this culture - still. hasn't changed. i know more what to expect, what (not) to say etc, but i don't get into this groove at all.

2. opportunities to meet people i might click with are not huge... classes would cost money, and are usually not nearby - a problem for evening activities. currently i don't think i could stand a group thing anyway.

despite what i have said in earlier posts, i have had a yearning to go to Church... or to a spiritual place. maybe i will try going to the Church when mass is not being held. just me. or talking to the priest. see now the latter is already scarier because of my mixed beliefs and systematic doubts in everything anyway. i cannot handle rejection right now.

thanks again to everyone for all of your patience reading. :grouphug:

waves

Waves,

Can you go walk in and sit in a church? Sit. Read. Think. Draw. Talk to yourself. Are they locked or open for walk ins? Do they have air conditioning?
You don't have to talk to anyone at all. I think you could establish a pattern of stopping by three times a week.
Talking to a priest can be a good idea, but for now, maybe you can just go. You could benefit from being somewhere that is not home. Is there a friendly church fairly close?

Even after I considered myself a non-believer, I went to mass to be with people. I would sit either in the very first few rows or in the very back in order to avoid people. The back gave me the option of coming in late or leaving early, but people and ushers are chattier in the back.
I needed to be around people who believed. I benefitted from the music. I would tune out the sermon.
I felt comfort in the sameness of the mass that I attended in childhood.

My suggestion is to go in the middle of the day or when the church is open for confessions and sit somewhere. People do not talk when they are there for confessions.
No one will talk to you when you are sitting -- talking will happen at the door or entrance way perhaps.

M

Dear Mari

yes every town has a Church. so yes, 5 min walk if that. it's the bus stop after my home stop.

used to be all churches were always open. now they shut them because people steal from them. i don't know if it is ever shut in the day though. also i do not know if i would be allowed to draw in there... i would just want to sit anyway. maybe read the hymnbook or mass booklet.

i will try to go out and find out. it is hard just to go out, anywhere, for anything. i had to take lorazepam to go to pdoc, and to the dentist.

i might try to make an info run (mass hours, confession hours, closed hours) when i go to the pharmacy. i need some meds so that i will have to do. but the pharmacy is much closer.

thank you for giving me some of the "what to expects" that i hadn't really thought of.

every time i walk into a Catholic church the very first thing that crosses my mind is a split thought between
--- i oughta cross myself with holy water out of respect
AND
--- i am not a "strict" believer so that would be sacrilege

and then there is the crossing the altar... aisle... arghhh i guess you know.... those things apply even when not in mass.

waves

Waves,
Some quick answers.
You can do whatever you please when you pass the holy water -- non believer or not.

I was not taught what to do about crossing the alter, so I make sure at least I cross in the back when no one cares much. . . . .or plan my route to the front a long the sides in such a way that I don't have to cross the alter.
Mostly the important thing is to be respectful about other people in the church -- folks who have come for their own reasons, their own issues, . . . You can handle being respectful and not disturbing anyone. :cool:

I used to take out a hymnal and use my fingers as if I were playing a song on the keyboard. If anyone noticed, they left me alone.

M.

It is ok to be in the church if you are not catholic...it is a place to be sacred if you wish. Do they have candles that you can light?
you could go and light one and send some good thoughts and ask for good thoughts. Most importantly is that you know that it is ok to be there. BECAUSE IT IS OK!!!
bizi