Why won't it end?
 

So many years of constant misery, and no end in sight. Everyone always tells me things will get better. They're wrong. Every day is the same... so many years... How many times can I pray to God for the same thing before the words sound hollow, they're never answered anyway.

There is nothing in this world for me, and I have nothing to offer to it. I am %100 worthless. My only contributions are half-hearted efforts at a meaningless job for 10 or 15 hours a week, and half the time I care so little I don't even do that much. I have no desire to get a higher education, or a better job, I don't even want to leave my appartment or talk to other people. There's no place for me out there. I hate the world and it hates me. The less we have to see of each other the better. I can't even offer a positive word around this forum anymore, the only place in the world where I can find a friend. The words all would sound so hollow coming from someone as defeated as me.

One time I dreamt that I was dying of a brain tumor... I actually believed I was dying... and then I woke up, and when I realized none of it was real, all I felt was disappointment. Not even a hint of relief. I suppose I should feel grateful that I had such a "good" dream; most of my dreams involve people shunning me, or just generaly being cruel. Why should the dream world be any different then the real one?

And now, I have to go to bed, to have more depressing dreams before getting up at four-something in the morning and going to that stupid, pointless job I care so little about. And tonight, just like every previous night, I'll hope and pray that I won't have to wake up, but every morning my alarm goes off and I'm forced to suffer through another horrible day in this soul-crushing world.

I have a young friend who went through horrible depression too Lonely1 and he went out and got a kitty. Changed his life completely...I've never seen bonding like it...he takes it everywhere with him and it's learning to walk on a leash. Unconditional love can be an amazing thing. :hug:

Dear Lonely1

(((hugs))) to you dear.


for a "Major Depressive Episode, "years" is indeed long. do you have a psychiatrist? i am wondering if you actually suffer from depression as a primary form, or more of a form of dysthymia. Dysthymia means you have moderate or mild depressed baseline mood, but of course that can deepen into worse depression. also, other possibilities would have to be ruled out. hypothyroidism can cause mood disturbances - for example. as can some nutrient deficiencies.
so i would say 1. you could ask your GP for screening for hypothyroidism, nutrient deficiencies and any other conditions that might manifest as depression, and 2. see a psychiatrist if the labs look ok.

because our psyche asks us questions, manifests our hopes and fears symbolically.

can i take a shot at this dream? in your dream, you identified the source of your "dying" (depression). you went further - you identified the source as having to do with the brain or part of your brain. explained like this it might sound like yeah, so what, that's pretty obvious, but in the dream, the fact that the problem "materialized" as a tumor makes it more tangible than depression. and not all tumors are incurable. you might die of it if left untreated. i see a suggestive aspect to your dream here, to seek out that "tumor" and treat it. that could be the way out. the hope you need. the way to wake up to a tomorrow that is better than today.

Upon waking, i can appreciate the disappointment, insofar as there you were again, with no :tumor" - nothing tangible. No answers. But i think the dream was asking you to seek, so that something might be found.

i am sorry for this, Lonely1. i am intimately familiar with this aspect of depression. May i ask that for one night, you simply skip the hoping and praying part, and say well there went another day, and try to let go of certainties about tomorrow - no hopes negative or positive, no expectations, just, "what will be will be." in your state, i think if you can keep the outlook neutral it will be a big step. this is independent of what actually DOES happen tomorrow. this is about your internal life. because it affects your external life.

i light a virtual candle of hope for you: http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/symbolic/candle.gif

waves

Too bad. You're someone we care about here so much. You typed that. You own it. I'm not going to own it because I don't believe that. hey.

Stop listening to that particular conversation in your head. It's not what is real. It's a trick. An imp of the mind. You might be defeated today but tomorrow is another day and you will get through this terrible time.

Hollow? Come on now. You offered more in one post than ever before. :hug: I think we defeat ourselves. I think our fears and memories can defeat ourselves.


Well heck, dreams are dreams. I have lucid dreams. I jump off cliffs and fly. Hey... dreams are dreams. It's a whole different dimension.

Re: lonely
 

dear lonely, keep reaching out for that glimmer of hope. I too am depressed, and come back to this site to pick myself up off the floor. I found some compassionate people here who have reached back to me to give me hope. I am not sure I could have survived without the soulfull comments that have lifted my spirit. One thing mentioned, I have tried to do. At your lowest, do one thing kind for yourself. Make yourself do it. Eat a piece of chocolate, drink a warm cup of tea. Hug yourself, come here to talk. That one thing will lead to another, and then maybe you can see light in that dark tunnel. I don't want anyone to feel the depression I have felt, and there are alot of people who struggle daily with it. Eithor due to medical problems, family problems, or emotional problems. There is a community here. I have never heard anyone being mean or unkind or uncaring. There is hope right here, that people care, and will talk to you. I have not been left alone, to wallow in grief, friends write back now, and my worst nighmares are going away. This depression can lift, if you just slip open that window just a bit. I wish for you a better day today. I hope you will do that one act of kindness to yourself, and for yourself. I care, because I have felt your pain. ginnie:hug:

Alffe: I know having a pet is supposed to help with loneliness, but I just can't handle one of my own. Pets take lots of energy (and money) and need fed and walked and played with... sometimes I don't even have the energy to feed myself. And I refuse to get a pet only to neglect it thus spreading the misery. I would try to take care of it but I would just end up resenting it for using up what little energy I have.

Waves: I have tried speaking to "professionals," I've also tried going to a doctor and getting anti-depressants. But the truth is, I'm an extreamly private person and I'm very uncomfortable talking to people about personal things, especially if that person is a disinterested stranger who is, by definition, payed to pry all of my private thoughts away while judging me. And after they strip away every shred of modesty I have, they make some stilted "insight" as to why I feel this why and suggest ways to make it stop. I DON'T NEED THEM TO INTERPERATE MY THOUGHTS BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO THOUGHT THEM. I already know why I feel every feeling I've ever felt. I always end up getting sick of trying to make them understand and just pretend to get better so I don't ever have to talk to them again.

Anyway, LOL, my feelings about doctors aside, moderately depressed definately describes my baseline mood, and I already know why. I'm unhappy because I don't like life. Anti-depressants don't work because there are no brain chemicals in need of balancing. There is only a sad little life and a person who doesn't want it. I do realize I think almost exclusively on the negative side of all issuses but I still try to force myself not to dwell on every bad thing that happens. The only reason I've survived so long without acting upon my suicidal instincts is because I force myself not to think about anything. I don't imagine the terrible future, and I don't recall the terrible past. I just try to kill time until I can go to sleep. And, honest to God, the only way I can fall asleep is by closing my eyes and imagining as hard as I can that I'm happy. If I stop to allow reality back in, I lay tossing and turning for hours...

Sorry for the long rambling post, I just need to feel like someone in the world knows how I'm feeling.

Lara and Ginnie: *sigh* I try not to defeat myself and I try to hold onto hope, but it's been so long, and I'm so tired... I can't make myself believe the despair will end until my life ends, and I want my life to end so badly... I try to do kind things for myself (no one else will), I even go out to a mall or something and walk around looking for something I might enjoy, trying to think of something to do. But it always, always, ends in frustration, because I don't really like anything, and I don't really want to do anything, so I just go home and sit alone until it's time for bed.

Thank you all for posting and trying to help. I know it's not easy to try to help the terminally inconsolable. I'm really not a pessimist more of a realist... I see the world based on the experiances it's given me. It even helps sometimes. For instance, last night after I typed my post, I figured something bad would happen and prevent it from going through, and all my words would be lost forever. So I copied everything and hit submit, and sure enough, the website had logged me out when I was typing, and when I tried to log back in the internet froze and I had to start over. And I'll copy everything again tonight too... we all view the world based on how it's treated us.


PS. The damn thing tried to destroy my post again

I can tell that you've never had a kitty! They require very little work and in return they just want to nestle on you while purring. Yes, you'd have to clean their litter box and feed them but in return you'd have it's undivided attention. :D

I think you see yourself as a problem with no solution. :grouphug:

Ask Barbo about her Ruby.

OK... I'm jumping in here...

Until now I haven't because all others before me have given you super advice... and truly, so have I, in the past, on other threads... that's because we all really like you and we really want to help keep you here.

I didn't think I had anything to add to this thread but I do now.

I have 2 cats - and have had them for almost 12 years now - they keep each other company when I'm not home... and when I am home, they add a dimension in my life called unconditional love. I laugh at them (and speaking of laughing - watch America's Funniest home videos - its on every day - and there is nothing healthier than laughing!)and I love them - they come and sit on my lap and purr. They are warm. I don't ask them to come - cats aren't like that - they come on their own terms.

Ya, it sucks cleaning the cat litter - and I've got to admit that when I've been in my lowest of low, those poor little guys have had quite a gross little "bathroom"... and it sucks if you can't afford their food but I've always managed as even dollar stores sell cat food.

Rescue a cat - go to a shelter ... or even a pet store that has strays - you'll have to pay a bit which will cover their first shots, but its worth it. (I don't take my cats to the vet as they are very expensive - I let nature have its way - unless, of course, they were really hurt).

Seriously -you will never regret choosing a kitten - it will love you. You don't have to walk them - and they don't need to be played with - they'll play with you!!! And if you're concerned about the cost of a cat dish and/or cat litter tray - go to the thrift store - you'll find all you need.

And the other thing I have to say is this - I honestly do know what its like not to get dressed or out of the house for days...

Last night I woke up at 4 am and my damn mind picked on everything that has gone wrong in my life... so I turned on the tv to shut it out....
and I slept until 9:30.

You're not alone my friend... but I think you know that! :hug:

And now I'm going to copy what I wrote before I lose it all (that happens to me sometimes too... aaaargh!!! :eek:) .... and when it has happened, I don't try and write my thoughts again... its too much energy but I've learned from what I wrote....

Re: thumbs up for cats
 

I do have another thumbs up for a cat. At a low point in my life I lost my cat of 21 years, yes that old. I thought I would never ever get over it. However, a cat adopted me, who belonged to my son. He now lives with me and has helped me to not only get over my beloved long time friend, he gave me new life. He helped me get over that crisis, and move beyond it to a new beginning. Now at night when I think I am alone, I am not. I roll over and find this big bundle of fur right next to my head, purring softly. This has made my nights more bearable. His dish was from good will, and I know that there are animal rescue agiencies, that may help you with the cost of the food. All in all this fur ball has helped my depression. Just think about it. ginnie

lonely1 - I was going through an especially dark time and my counselor said, "I never tell you what to do. I'm suggesting that you go to the humane society and just look around. Just look at the cats, I know you like them."

I went to the "pound" and came home with two tiny kittens. A few weeks later I was laughing and telling the counselor about them. She said, "You've been coming here for almost a year and you rarely smile and I've never heard you laugh. Now you laugh so much and sound so good."

Those little fur balls changed my life. I'm no longer alone - I have them.

I think they would do the same for you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Lonely
 

In 2001 I went to live with my daughter who had 4 cats! We lost one of them to illness and one day while I was out my daughter Pam left (and I forgot to look on the refrigerator where we left each other notes). I was just about to panic when the kitchen door opened and there was Pam with her best friend pushing her wheelchair and the tiniest little tiger kitty sitting on her lap. She said "it's got to be 4 Mom!" We took a vote and named her Ruby. The first night she slept with Pam. The second nite she slept with me, and the third, fourth, fifth and sixth nites she slept with me. Pam said "she's your cat, Mom - she's chosen you." When Pam died two years later I found homes for the other three cats but kept Ruby with me. She has been a wonderful companion. Not only does she do all the things the others described in previous but in cold weather she sleeps under the covers with me. I buy big bags of Purina cat chow and Walmart also has some very inexpensive cat litter called Special Kitty. You can even leave a cat alone for a week-end if she has plenty of food and water. Come on Lonely - join the cat people!

So... I think I am soon to join two very exclusive clubs here on NT. The first one is for people who have lost someone to suicide, and the second one has gained many new members in the last year or two; this one is for people who's mothers have left this world.

My mother's choice may not be a conventional form of suicide, but there is no doubt about her intentions. She hasn't injested anything except for alcohol in the last twenty days or so. Today she stoped breathing and her heart stopped, her eyes turned completely yellow, (from white in a matter of minutes) and she hasn't regained conciousness yet. There's a very large chance she never will. This didn't happen by surprise, but there was nothing that could be done. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

I'm not angry or confused, how could I be? I would like nothing more than to end my own life, who am I to tell someone else they can't do the same? Maybe I just have good coping skills, but it appears that hypocrisy isn't one of my countless flaws.

Still, I would ask for your prayers... she was a good mother and wife before she was corrupted by alcohol. It would be no blessing if she pulled through only to grab a bottle and pick up where she left off. As horrible as this may sound to those of you who don't know the power of addiction, it would be far better for all those involed if she died today, then it would be if she decided to return to the life she lived yesterday.

Lonely1, I'm sorry. It's an awful "club" to belong too...so many mixed emotions, relief being one of them. I pray that your mother will find peace and I pray that you can find acceptance. :hug:

You have my prayers lonely. I hold you in my heart and prayers.

Lonely1
 

I'm so sorry about your Mother. You must be grieving even now. Please know that we are all with you in spirit.

((((Lonely1)))) .... you are wise and eloquent.
I am sorry for the sadness you are witnessing.
My dad, too, gave over his life to alcohol ... it begins as a choice and ends as an addiction and slow suicide.

:grouphug:

Dear Lonely
 

I will pray for your mother today. I am sorry you have had to be witness to what alcholol does to people. My dad had the same problem and only quit toward the end of his life. May mercy be shown to your mom. ginnie

Dear Lonely1

I'm sorry to hear of your mom's plight and keep you both in my prayers, that you may both find peace. I leave the "nature" of that peace to be decided by a higher power.

As conditions go, neither of you are alone.

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~ another cat person, but currently cat-less

:):)Lonely1...have you ever kept a journal? I used to be very, very depressed and that's a big part of what helped me most. Yes, I finally did talk to someone professionally....it was as simple as talking to my best friend, since she's a psychologist. But I think the most important, consistent help in my own life has been the fact that I've kept a journal since I was a teenager.

It's good to talk to someone, sure...but, with a journal (or a spiral notebook, tablet, anything you want to write in), you can say whatever you want. You can be as honest as you want...maybe say things that you'd never admit face to face with someone else. You can rant and rave, swear, yell....anything's okay and the journal never judges. It never condemns, never criticizes, doesn't care if you're all dressed up...or if you are in bed. My journal's seen and heard a LOT that my friends haven't...and things that they never will. But it's okay. Sometimes it's just nice to have that privacy of writing something out that you have the option of sharing (or not) with someone else.

I used to never let anyone else read what I'd written but, as time went on, I learned that it was okay to share all the feelings that I'd examined through taking the time to write them down. I was a child when my grandfather committed suicide and, though I've never talked about it with anyone , I could write about it and come to understand it. My mother died when I was a very young teen and I could pour all that pain and abandonment into those same pages.

The same pages have also been with me as I fell in love for the first time, had my first child, first grandchild, experienced so many "firsts"....things that I might not completely feel open enough to share with someone I didn't really know well. I don't know how you feel about that, Lonely1, it's worked so well for me; parts of them have been published....just random things, but that, too, has been my decision. I've written about the good as well as the bad and it's helped so much.

Maybe this will work for you, too, if you're interested. It's nice to be able to go back and read through things later, too, and see how things have turned out. Sometimes you can see how so many things in your life seem like a puzzle and how they come together to get you to the place you are today. I hope that you consider it.

That's great advice for all of us hippiechick...I'm sorry I didn't do it years ago. Thank you. :hug:

Lonely, I'm sorry about your mother. :hug:

I am so sorry.

Not an exclusive club I assure you. Lost my mother at age 4. I lost my father at age 16. I never knew my father really... only from family talk. I don't know your mother, but I'm sure she tried very hard. Addiction is a shocking thing and for children it must make their lives very confusing indeed. Know you're not alone.

:( :hug: to thelonely1

hi
hope u feel better today
alffe hit the nail on the head
maybe 1 day you may try the suggestion
i had 2 give my oliver (silky terrier) 2 my adult child no pets allowed where i am now
went 2 visit him this weekend, couldn't get enough of him
but the unconditional love is what it,s all about
they are right up in your face ready 2 lick those sad tear you may cry away
maybe, just maybe unconditional love could be a starting point
as alffe said cats are easier in the sense they pretty much take care of themselves
a little food, fresh water and u can make it a litter box
give yourself some love
lot of hugs sending your way

Thank you all for the support and prayers.

Her kidneys have failed, and her liver is getting worse, and the doctors are pulling her ventilator tube. She's breathing on her own but they say she'll die in a couple days or less.

So I'll be in a place with no internet for a few days... i didn't want anyone to think I wasn't reading their posts.

Remembering you in my prayers..... :hug:

I've been thinking about you today ((((lonely1)))) .... :hug:

(((Lonely1))))

I'm thinking of you too. thank you for letting us know you were going to be internet-less for a bit.

more :hug::hug::hug:s

~ waves ~

1
 

#1, so sorry about your mom. i hope if she pulls through she finds the motivation to quit the drink.

you are right, an animal is a huge commitment and the expense is not small. maybe you could start small with a goldfish or a cactus plant. once i kept snails in a goldfish bowl. they were impossible to kill. i named them diligent because they were so good at procreation.

i am also sorry people are mean. i wish sometimes they could see themselves. i have experienced it and it is no fun at all. i hope you encounter some who are not mean. shunning is about as mean as it gets.

White candle burning. Thinking about you and your mother, lonely1.

you wrote: My mother's choice may not be a conventional form of suicide, but there is no doubt about her intentions.

<sigh>

Actually, I've often wanted to discuss what you've written in that one sentence here, but have never been able to find the right time. Sadly, I do understand what you mean although our circumstances might be very different and so many years apart.

It's not the right time now, but hopefully one day in the future we can talk about this once again. love to you...

Continued prayer Lonely1. :grouphug:

Well, she died about half an hour after my last post. She wanted to die, and so she drank herself to death. Everyone around her knew it was going to happen at some point, but there was nothing to be done. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

I guess I'm okay... I mean I'm miserable, but that word describes every day of my life to date. I actually sort of envy her... she gets to leave this God awful place but I have to stay here for 50 more years or so...

I hope the world she's in now is better then this.

Lonely, you are so vey right! "You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped".

You sound like you are in a hole like I was several years ago. Through the Grace of God; I crawled out of the hole ever so slowly; but I gradually did see the light. I still have to fight not to let myself go there again. I know the signs and if I had to just get in the car or go for a walk in a plaza looking in windows of stores. I know I need to get out of the house and fast. Just drop everything and go.

I also know when you are that "low" you really have difficulty even wanting to pray. I believe you do want to at least try; that is why you are here. You have started Step No. 1. Now; just try the next step and look for the "light".
It is there. But - only if you want it to be there.

I still have to "thank God for getting me thru today; please help me with tomorrow". I will include you along with me asking God to help us get thru tomorrow. :hug:

Thinking of you dear lonely1.

I can understand your mixed emotions Lonely1.:hug: Her suffering is over and I pray that she's at peace. Is your family with you at this time? :grouphug:

Just bumping this up because it's more important than my last post regarding politics.

We're here when you need, lonely1. :hug:

I'm sorry Lonely1.

I'm sorry, too, my friend... so many emotions and unknowns.

We all have choices - every single one of us. Your Mom's choices were overtaken by addiction. You have watched her dying for many years... just as I watched my Dad. I will thank God every day that both you and I have escaped the grips of alcoholism.

We now have to escape the grips of our depressed minds...

Wish I could give you a hug. And I wish we could all gather around you ....

I am there in spirit.

:grouphug:

Lonely1, I am so sorry. I wish that we were all there for you....with you. But I hope that you know that we're here with you....anytime! :grouphug:

Hi all, thanks again for all the support.

I was with family for a few days Alfee, but I had to come home to go to work.

I guess I'm handling this all very well. I've known this was coming for a long time... I guess I was just prepared for it. Or maybe as a victim of the hopelessness of depression it's hard for me to see death as a bad thing. The mother I knew died long ago and was replaced by an addict I couldn't quite recognise. She had a very traumatic childhood, and I can't help but feel that all the troubles of my mom's last few years were caused by that experience... *sigh*

Addy, I'm sorry if my posts here brought up bad memories from your own past; I feel bad. :( It seems like I can't have any human contact without making someone elses life harder. Maybe I should just shut up and keep my problems to myself. The last thing I want to do is bother you all so much with my complaining that you have to start ignoring me (that's happened to me before :o) Sometimes I just feel the need for someone outside my own head to know how I'm feeling. I need someone with which to share the happenings in my life.

Anyway... I think that's enough talking from me for now. :o

Hi Lonely1... no, no... my depression dip wasn't triggered by talks of you (my) parents... honest... I had such a HIGH having my sons and grandaughter here for thanksgiving last night... which caused me to analyze why I was so distraught before the date... I'll write about it in my thread.

I completely understand the need to talk about what is in your head so please don't ever stop doing that here! We are all big girls/boys and we can make choices as to whether or not we want to read something here. If anything, I think we all grow and learn (more about ourselves!) by sharing all that we do! :hug:

I think that when we lose our (disfunctional) parents we also lose that hope that maybe, just maybe they might change and be "normal"...
And what I've learned is that its up to us to break the pattern ... change ourselves.

Did (will) your family have a memorial for your Mom? I sincerely hope that you can forgive her... she was controlled by a horrible demon. :hug:

:grouphug: