dear waves
 

Dear waves,
I just wanted you to know how much of an asset you are to these forums.
You are smart and funny and serious and thoughtful.
I have grown to know you and love you over the past 8 years that we have been posting together.
This is home to us, we are family.
I am hoping that your depression lifts soon and that you are feeling better.
I thank Doc John for having these forums for us to bond and create special friendships.
you my friend are a treasure.
love to you
bizi

Dear Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:
:heartthrob:
'Lots of hugs. 'Wishing you wellness.

M

Dear Bizi

thank you for starting this thread. i couldn't believe my eyes. and so many kind things to say of me. i guess i don't feel any of them right now. but thank you. for a few moments, i got to see myself through your eyes.

you are a dear, special friend and a treasure yourself. i am blessed to have had your friendship all these years.

love

~ waves ~

Dear Mari

Thank you. Your long-standing support means the world to me.

(((hugs))) backatcha :Heart:

~ waves ~

My sweet and wise friend....

I dont know what I would do without you... To have you in my life is a bleesing... You are like the sister i wish I would have had...

I love to read all your posts... always wise and full of truth and culture...

I hate when you suffer.... I feel so sorry when you are down... :hug:

I want you to be happy and in peace....

In me you have a friend, a sister... hope you know that already.

Thank you for everything you have done for me !!!!! :hug:

thank you Majo
 

Dear Majo

thank you for taking the time to post right in the middle of this exam business. and thank you also for just being here and being you.

i am glad we have each other here and happy to be your sister and friend.

so glad your exam went well. it had to. you have so much perseverance. i admire that in you and try to learn from you in that, you know? ;)

much love to you and thank you again. :hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

Waves you are the Rock and the heart of our room.

You are the reason many of us can take our meds the right way.

You always find the best in everyone else.

Its time you find it in your self.


We find it in you.


Love donna:grouphug:

Dear Donna

well. I am flattered. i don't know what to say. :heartthrob: i will give it a shot here...

Well first, I think this forum has many hearts and many rocks... we take turns being weaker and stronger. i am in a weak spot right now for reasons i can't count beyond what might be chemical.

Medwise, much credit goes to my first pdoc who taught me the ropes - he was literally a med guru who just loooooved to explain stuff, very intelligent, never intimidated, and so, to my incessant childlike questions on every option he offered (yes, options and discussion before scripts :cool:), he would give more and more intricate answers until either i or he were out of our depth! He was an MD in psychiatry, PhD in Neurology, and had specialized training in Pharmacology. He taught me enough to be able to research on my own, and understand what i was reading. So, i have to pass the thanks to him for my abilities to share here. He was at their origin.

Finding the best in myself ... well depression can make that very hard. i am uninspired to do many of the things i used to do and inspiration, even a little, is a requirement for the creative process. i miss doing these things and i see this gaping hole in my life, how could i not. It hasn't been a month or even a year, where one can say "this too shall pass." Other than the odd glimmers here and there, it's been over a decade that i've missed soooo many things which i value in myself.... the creative spirit.

I appreciate you saying you guys find good things about me. And I realize that in general, as a person, i have good and bad just like the next guy. (Gotta wonder about Ted Bundy though, eh?:rolleyes::eek:)

But i feel my soul ripped out.

I don't feel guilty about it - just lost without it.

Thanks Donna, for such a thoughtful post, and for reminding me i am valuable at the forums, even if i am not creative right now. :hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

Waves,

I totally understand about being lost.

Every decade or two we can redefine how we think of ourselves. If I ever was creative I certainly am not now. I can recognize creativity in others and appreciate it. That's were I am now. I don't know how I would define myself today

I am a survivor. Somedays that's where I am in my head.

Most of the time, I don't think I define myself at all. I don't try to put a pin on anything. I stay fluid. I might be able to describe myself by age, my hubby and family, where I live, . . . . but none of those are who I am.
I think that who I am might be revealed at some later date.

. . . just saying to you that you can forgive yourself for moving away from the person you used to be. You have gifts. You are still you -- a you who is deserving.

M

Dear Marithanks. :hug:

i feel i have lost something simply essential. A big thing that is part of who i am and ever will be and has ramifications far and wide. It is stilting.

yes you are. i can relate to that too. sometimes it's all i can do to get through waking hours... even sleeping hours when the bad dreams hit. :rolleyes:

i see these things as circumstantial, not essential. they answer questions like how, where and why, but not who, and those answers may vary widely over ones lifetime. i firmly believe that who a person is remains the same in spirit, in essence.... that "the song remains the same." i believe a person can cultivate themselves in different ways, but that their growth in one direction or another will simply be alternate variations on a theme.

put simply, you will not grow an apple tree from a pumpkin seed.

quite possible. and makes me question, for myself also, have i been misled... lol... have i misread the "call"... maybe my call has not yet come. i think however that we can hear a call and answering it may not always be easy. i think the ease may ebb and flow with circumstance. i believe i have been pulled far enough i cannot hear it. that does not mean it is not there. i believe it is.

I cannot forgive something i do not feel guilt for. i have made mistakes - we all do - but i also made a lot of progress. And besides that i believe in circumstance. Some kids will die before they are 1 year old because of their circumstances. Are they supposed to feel guilty too? Can i just be scared and sad and feel lost, period?

What am i supposed to feel guilty / forgive myself for?

Inspiration comes and goes. It has been too long and i miss it much as i would a good friend with whom i've lost touch. After a while you wonder if the friend is... alive. But this friend is within me, it is my core. I don't know how else to get that across. I feel pitted.

However i do not feel like i did this to myself. I do not feel i pitted myself. I snatch at the slightest hint of inspiration. But when the wind doesn't blow, it just doesn't blow.... it's a bit like trying to control the weather... I think the most i could possibly do is attempt some sort of acceptance? ...that the magic wind has left me... abandoned this instrument.

Well thank you. I think you are trying to remind me to look at what is left rather than what is lost. It's just that what is lost is soooo big.... it is not easy. Then again maybe it's like when a word is on the tip of your tongue. The harder to you try to get it, the more elusive it becomes. Perhaps if i stop seeking inspiration it will find me again?
:confused:

You always provide much food for thought Mari. I appreciate that. :hug::hug::hug: You help me process things. This one really hit the gut. (that currently gaping donut hole... ;))

I will try to find ... or notice ... other uses ... :confused:
... for the instrument, for now lost at sea

~ waves ~ without wind are not a sea

Hugs to you today my dear
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi:grouphug:

I have to say I wish I could dissect something the way you do Waves.

I would then be able to help my son's understand their dad.

Donna:grouphug:

Waves,

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i1...g?t=1317923122

I wonder how you know so much about so many drugs? You always seem to know what is a low dose and what may be a bit high. Well, maybe I don't want to know, right :D

I've only been in real trouble once lately and that was when I first came to this support group. But I continue to read because I learn so much...and I want to try to stay connected in case I get in trouble again in the near future. But I've read so many threads...long threads...back and forth between many of ya'll "Elders" (in wisdom only :eek:). And I am amazed at how ya'll can help people work through problems. This forum is better than months and months of counseling because people like you care enough to answer posts.

Thanks for all the kind things you've said and the useful information you have given me. I know what horrible depression :( is, and I pray that your's will soon end.

Your friend,

CurlyDawg

CurlyDawg

You, hit it right on the nose!!

Those are the exact sentiments , I have for this room. I know that i've
looked in many other places for the same feelings I get here.

But its just not there. I don't have that many true friends in real life.
That I can say are friends. Most are just acquantances.

Just like this morning, the General Ed. Teacher in the meeting i was in.
Knew she knew me, and I had a idea why. But wouldn't say why.
She finally asked me my son's name.

It wasn't Derrick, she knew it was my oldest danny. I think he was in the
first class she ever taught.

And it was her only year in our system.

ehehee

Donna:grouphug:

hugs and
 

Dear Bizi

thanks for the hugs :) :heartthrob: and (((hugs))) back!


Dear Donna

that's funny about the dissection... hmmm. it is something i have always done to a degree... but not thought of in that way...

reminded me of a bio lab ... the subject for dissection was not rhetoric or psychology but a frog... poor little froggie!!! :(:( first they made us fish them out from the pond :eek: :( ... i did not enjoy that lab much.:o while the specifics of frog anatomy might fascinate aspiring amphibiologists, i am more fascinated by their lovely (and lively) leaping and hopping and swimming... and skeeter-eatin'!

and, i mean, just think of KERMIEEE!!! WE HAD TO CUT UP KERMIEEE!!!! :( po' po' lil' kermie.... can you just see him scrunching up his lil face? :crazy:

But, i digress...

:grouphug:

~ waves ~

Hi CurlyDawg!

welcome back!
and thank you so much for your post!!!
loved that pic!!! ... powerful! thank you.hehe... my first psychiatrist was a real guru and loved to share... he got me started, curiosity did the rest... i got so interested in a spectific type of interactions at one point, that i considered going to med school to study hepatology... yes, it was a phase, yes, i am over it. ;) and no, there's no way i could handle the stress of med school - then or now.

absolutely stay connected! many folks post more or less as their work or life responsibilities allow.
Yes, it is wonderful to have a responsive and caring community such as this one is.

Glad i could help... sorry you "know" depression :( and... THANK YOU.

(((HUGS)))

~ waves ~

waves I hope things get better for you soon, I know you've had some hard times going on emotionally and I wish I could offer more then a cyber hug to you, but alas that's all I can. :grouphug:

I think the world of you! You're smart, witty, and a very loving young woman. I really admire you and wanted to post and say so. I am so glad for this forum, the old home we all used to have is just not the same anymore and hasn't been since the problems that led Doc John to create Neurotalk for us. I am so glad we've all got this place to come to. He's a special man to keep it open for us like he has. And he's got a lot of special people here, like you, and so many others who make it WORTH coming to. I just know something good is right around the corner for you, so hang in there! :D

Hey there Pammie!

thank you so much for posting and cyberhugs sound great :hug::hug::hug: to you too :)

thank you for all your kind words also. yes things just changed at our old home... in fact things have kept reshuffling, you never know where it's going to be next, i feel sad about it.

i too appreciate DocJohn for providing us our little niche here in psychcentral. :)

i appreciate your having hope for me. i don't know what to hope for. i won't say i am hopeless. just sort of wondering, wandering, meandering... but mostly in my head. i tried to get out of my head.... when this started i had a lot of agitation with it, so tried dancing at home when i could get the privacy. but that didn't last long (2ce exactly). the energy went *POOF* and any dance verve went with it.

many have made suggestions which involve going out/outside, but for now i feel worse, not better, when i do that. it is hard just keeping my pdoc appointments.

well i have rambled enough (surprise!:rolleyes:) - now you know, if only i could "ramble" something i could selll... but noooooo, i don't have any "ideas" when it comes to that... not-a-one. sigh.

Again thank you for looking in on me. i've missed you being around.

(((big hugs)))

~ waves ~

bizi, this is a wonderful and genuine thread, and, tho not nearly as eloquent as some of you, I just HAD to take the time to chime in here also!!

waves - you are one of the people here that I remember being so helpful and supportive from the first day that I showed up here, and I thank you so much for that. As a person who is not bipolar, I really appreciated your support, insights, and the way you helped me understand this condition better. I don't know you nearly as well as many of the other folks who contribute here, but you have always been a ray of sunshine, even on the darkest of days.

I am having real trouble here putting my thoughts into words, but just know that you are a wonderful, caring person. This place wouldn't be the same without you!

I hope you are having a good day!

Hugs, Jacquie

Dear Jacquie

Thank you so much for taking the time to post i know you are immensely busy - hope that you will post an update for us also? have been wondering how things are going.... (((hugs)))

i am so glad to have been able to help you. Thank you for letting me know that. maybe you think you weren't eloquent, but i do and i am very touched your post... you have just helped strengthen my heart. i have been having trouble participating even if it might not show...

Thanks Jacquie, and please let us know how you and hubby are doing.

:hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

Hi Waves!

I hope you can feel the love that I am seeing going your way!!! :)

I had to crawl out from under the covers to let you know how much you mean to me... I know I lurk 99.99% of the time. I read every post of what's going... I care about YOU and everyone else.

Waves, there has been many a dark night when I wasn't sure that I wanted to breath the next day and I would read what was going on.. and would think... If Waves has the strength to fight, to get through what is going on in her life then I can to. Waves I see so much strength in you it often leaves me in awe!!!

I don't know what's going on I just know I care and wanted you to know... you are wanted and loved here...
:hug:
Abbie

Ohh myyyy goodness gracious!!!!
 

((((((((((((((((:heartthrob: Abbie! :heartthrob:)))))))))))))))

i think about you soooo much... i read your posts too and i realize (i can't say i *know* ... i know you know that, but from your meticulous descriptions i have a clue...) and talk about admiration, woman... YOU! i admire YOU!!! i look to YOU as the strong one!!! WOW. And I have thought that about you too... if Abbie can stick with it, I can stick with it...

well hearing these words from YOU just blows me away, whooosh! no words. Thank you! but thank you is not enough!

I am so SOOO glad, Abbie, if i have made a difference in your life, honestly, i tried, but i didn't know that i was, how much i was, whether i really could. it is so good to know i've helped you and...

Let me know if there is anything else i can do... I want you to keep being here!!! And i pray for you to get better, too. But as it is, I am so glad you keep deciding, meanwhile, to just take the next breath...

can you manage to tell us how you've been? any glimmers with new therapy?

lots and lots of love to you Abbie dear :heartthrob: :circlelove: :heartthrob:

you have no idea how much your post means to me.

~ waves ~ with room-temperature, vacuum-cushioned :hug::hug::hug:s

I have no real words for all the last posters to Waves.

Except Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You have said, all the things I think, wish I knew the words to say.

And really feel every moment of the day.


((((((Waves))))))


Remember you are loved, Donna:grouphug:

Waves... give me a few days (Maybe a couple of weeks) and I will do my best to get back to you all with how I am doing... I will say the next step is to see a Movement Specialist... I have no idea what this is all about...but see her in 2 weeks. I know it has to do with the fact that my right foot wants to turn backwards and my toes want to touch my heal.

As far as my BP goes... I see my Pdoc on Tuesday....she's been wanting to hospitalize me for the last couple of months... but I've managed to talk my way out of it... don't know how or why.:o

Love and Hugs
:hug:
Abbie

Dear Abbie

thanks so much for the update! good luck with the movement specialist, look forward to hearing back (take the time you need, no worries).

as for the hospitalization... i guess it's a tough call... can they meet your needs in the psych ward would be my concern... i wouldn't want it to be worse than home - in terms of stimuli you don't have control over. i want you safe though, that's for sure.

keep in touch! :hug::hug::hug:

love

~ waves ~

Abbie
 

Dear Abbie,
:heartthrob: :heartthrob: :heartthrob:
Big hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Mari

Just wanted to post again and say how much I can identify with that feeling of having to really KICK Myself to MAKE it to appts. It's not an easy thing sometimes. My tdoc once told me and I am sure you've all heard it before, but Fake it until you make it. That is what I do and somehow a smile can become fully sincere in a split second. I do it all the time when I am forced to go out in the world and shop or get errands done, people want to see me doing well mainly because of the disability, I think that it's something to do with it reassuring them that disability doesn't have to mean the end of the world you know? Anyway, the point in mentioning it is that I don't always FEEL like that inside, but by the time I am done with the interaction with the cashier or whoever I DO feel like that inside. It's like it flips some internal switch I have worked at making happen.

Now it's hard to let that guard down around my pdoc, but I do work at it, I just don't fully trust her yet, she's still new and I am afraid she's gonna end up leaving and I'll have to get used to a new pdoc, so it's hard to really open up, plus its only a twenty odd minute appt anyway and you can't really accomplish jack squat in that time frame and I suppose you're not meant to, it's a med management appt and all, but even so I just worry about her leaving me high and dry. :p

Hang in there waves! We're all pulling for you! :grouhug:

Dear Pam

Thanks for this thoughtful post. when it comes to going out... the fake it till i make it... doesn't quite make it yet.... i do not feel better after i am home. i am drained from faking it. i have been going around in a state of detachment. i sing softly to myself. this last time i sang hymns. occasionally you get stared at but the detachment helps with that. and also knowing that most ppl around me are much louder than me with their own mess of sounds. so, what of it if i want to talk to god in the form of music?

i did one nice thing, i reached out to help someone - it was an instinctive because i had a couple of blind friends at one time and learned to guide somewhat. it was rush hour and a young man, blind but also with seeming mild gait impairment got off the train right before me. i asked if he wanted a guide before i knew what i was thinking and he accepted. i think it was ok. but i think i will do a course on "standard protocol" when i feel better. it is not the first time i do this, and if i'm going to go headlong into these situations, i better shape up!

see there was one part of the stairs i couldn't describe quickly and he almost stumbled. of course he had my arm so it was ok, but i felt bad... like maybe i got more in the way in the end. i tried to remind myself that he did accept. i've offered before and been told, no thanks i'm fine. i tried to tell myself i had good intentions and probably he was grateful. but then i worried and worried over it for ages. even reaching out... sigh... causes me difficulty right now.

THAT SAID. the thing about fake it till you make it is applicable in another area of my "life" right now. so you know what - it was really helpful to hear it. :) THANKS. And also for taking the time to post again.

((((hugs))))

~ waves ~ hoping your pdoc sticks around and you feel more comfortable soon.

((((Hugs Waves)))))


I personally feel it was totally okay.

Donna:grouphug:

thanks Donna. i appreciate that. :hug::hug::hug: i had a gut sense of his being smothered and others around were all rushy.... i felt protective i think is what did it.

i think the association for the blind here almost surely probably provides a training course for guides, so i am going to keep this idea on the back burner for when i am a bit better. because i have partial skills, i sometimes offer without thinking. but after i did think about it, i believe i should get "proper" training...

see, with a person you guide regularly, as used to do with my friend, you learn their preferences and physically tune to each other over time, so little verbal exchange is required at all. we mostly would chat. but when helping a stranger, i think knowing protocol would be useful. the point is not to "give help" so much as for them to "receive help." if one's "giving" is a hindrance, then it is no good - it is possibly dangerous to them, for all one's good intentions.

but thank you for affirming me. :hug::hug::hug: the guy was perfectly fine, so no harm done, and certainly the experience gave me a chance to think about this, and how i can improve.

~ waves ~

See Waves,

You have a decision when your ready. And I think its what you need
to do is the decision on its own.

I'm glad you made that decision.

Donna:grouphug::):hug:

Dear Waves,

Just to want to let you know that you an amazing friend. You are very sweet and thoughtful. You have a caring heart for others as well.

Glad you are my friend.

Have an awesome day:D

Sharla:hug:

Dear Sharla

Thank you for your sweet words. :hug: I am glad to have you for a friend too! You are and always have been a ray of sunshine here, even in your difficult times.

I hope you are having a good day too.

(((BIG HUGS))) and keep in touch :)

~ waves ~

Hiya sweetie sista ! Did I sounded like a gangsta !? LOL

Thank you for helping that blind man... You are truly amazing and see, like we have been telling you, always ready to help and helping !!! You are a human angel :) :hug:

Thanks for being in this world in the same time like me.

How are you today ?

Lots of kisses !

Dear Majo

nice try... hehe... but i would never mistake you for a gangsta!

i am glad you are in the world at the same time as me too. :)

you are too kind... i am no angel. i just do what i can when i can, and believe me, it is rather little right now.

today i had a bad anxiety attack and missed my pdoc appointment - not a good consequence. :( he is kind so he understood... i texted him. i spent most of the day overwhelmed. i tried to distract myself by prepping some things for dinner but then mom came home and everything got all confusing, i had to make tea and i couldn't focus on anything any more. after dinner i ended up hiding in bed with earplugs. :(

i hope your day went well... i am glad to see your mood "relaxed" after all those weeks of stress. :hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~ with love

I hope you sleep well tonight and feel better in the morning.
hugs to you
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Well darling, (heck, I have started all my posts today with "well", what's wrong with me !? LOL), personally, I think it is good to just close myself in my black hole from time to time... I would stay in bed, in my totally dark room, with earplugs too... Sometimes it helps me to re-organise and charge my batteries.... Just dont get depressed ok ? Balance... ;)

Hope everything can be better tomorrow...

What teas do you like ? I love tea... hummm.... !

That might be a great subject for a seperate thread. I'm always willing to try someones favorite tea.:D

Hugs to you today.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

INDEED !!!! Tea... hummm.... :)