scared ... scarred... stigmatized... can't move
 

The demon has a hold on my ... and I don't know how to pull out...

I feel overwhelmed

I'm scared... not that I'll take my life... because I haven't gone so far as to figure out what I'd do...

I'm scared because I don't know what to do...

I think money scares me more than anything...

it always has... from being a little girl watching her mommy cry at the kitchen table...

I don't know what to do.

I want a magic pill.

I am at a stand still ... and can't seem to motivate myself to do things... even easy things like eat...

Its hard to get out and buy the food.

No... please don't worry about me...

I need to write this down and to admit to you - my friends...

I'm just so tired of being up and down all the time....

my favourite time of day is bed time... and I need to watch the tv to get to sleep... I don't read anymore... except on the internet

I also like morning .... which is usually later than earlier... as I love my cup of coffee

And then I sit until at least noon... finding things to do on the internet... thinking about things I could do to get myself moving...

then I eat and sit again....

and I really think I should delete this but I won't...

I'm going to hit submit new thread

then I'm going to try and do some house things then clean myself and get out to buy food and the supplies I need to cook Thanksgiving for my family tomorrow night....

I wish I could tell my family how I am feeling...

I'm so scared to keep living this way but don't want to do the work it takes to get through this...

I think I'll phone my sister....

Please don't worry... I'm not going to do anything...

and please forgive me...

for wanting to quit everything...

Addy....please call your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling...tell the dr. honestly so you can get the help you need. I am amazed at how much better I am feeling since taking this "calming" pill...yes, sometimes I think of it as a magic pill.

There is no shame in needing help...do call your sister too. :hug:

I'm glad you trust us enough to share what you are feeling...you aren't alone. :grouphug:

Alffeeee, could you please pm me with what your magic pill is?

I've been on the same one for many years now... different strengths...

Life is simply overwhelming me because I feel so alone even tho I'm not.

I did a few things since writing earlier - the washing machine is going, the dishwasher is on - clothes put away, bed made, floor swept... showered...

now its time for make- up and a walk once I get to the outdoor mall....

maybe I'll buy myself a hat :) I want a hat to keep my head (and ears) warm in the winter....

Yes, I'll tell my doctor this week - this is always a tough time of year for lots of us.... my 3 sons birthdays, thanksgiving, christmas...

This, too, shall pass.

((( Addy ))) Like Alffe said -- get some help. It's out there and waiting for you. :hug: :hug:

We're with you Addy. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes?

AddySister
 

You know when I first met you and your sister online and you knew I had no sisters, you said I could be your other sister. Thank you for being so generous. I hold you both very dear to my heart. It's been a long tough journey. I know.

It's ok my dear Addysis. I often want to quit everything too. You gotta hold on there. I figure you've been triggered by talk/memories of your father maybe. ? Your whole family has been through so much as I know well, I'm sure if you confided in them they would help as they're the most loving and caring of people.

I enjoyed a totally incredible Canadian Thanksgiving in company with you and your sis and her family and a special friend. Wow, how the time has flown and so much has happened.

I think we were about 5 hours late for dinner, but the company and the food was incredible. First time I ever tasted pumpkin pie in my entire life and that strawberry and baby spinach salad was incredible.

:eek: Sorta freaked me out a little that the bears came down into the yards at night to rummage through the bins. It was neat to see them up there in the hills, but having them rummage through the bins in the yard was a little different for me. :eek:

Will contact you. You're not alone at all. Never forget that Addy.

This too shall pass, but sometimes we need company to help it pass less painfully. Wish, as I said many threads ago, that I could go walk on that beach with you.

Love you. You're a true friend.

{{{{addy}}}}

Addy, you're totally doing the right thing by reaching out!! Everything else has been said it seems, so I'll just say I CARE AND I GET IT!!!! :hug::hug::hug:

good morning everyone... and thank you!

Its Thanksgiving here in Canada... and soon, I'll be stuffing that turkey and getting him into the oven ... no pumpkin pie (((Lara)))... it will be birthday cake - two of my sons have their b-days this week - :eek: 30 and 34!!

Today is better than yesterday even though its raining... I'm grateful that I poured out my heart ... went for a walk ... bought/ate some food... called my sister ((and talked to my cyber-sisters!))

Thanks, dear Alffe, for telling me what your magic pill is... lol... to everyone else- its the same one I take AND I take twice the amount she does.... so... time to discuss this with my doc again. :cool:

My sister was at her summer place - cooking her turkey outside! and planning to eat around the campfire - we made a decision for me to go up and visit the family in November.... I hope I can fit it in around my chorus performances.

It really does make a difference to have you all rally around me - thank you so much! :grouphug:

Dear Addy
 

Dear Addy,

I am sorry it is so hard right now. Sometimes a holiday (or bunches of holidays/anniversaries clumped together as you have this week) can stress us out ... even would-be joyous days, if we are vulnerable, can take a toll.

I am glad you will be talking to your doctor about tweaking meds.

I love Thanksgiving - which isn't celebrated this side of the ocean - and i miss it. My mother however tries to honor it for me a little by making turkey-somethingorother, which i think is sweet. One thing i do at the table which my parents often do not do very seriously, is ask each of us to say something we are thankful for.

One thing i am thankful for, Addy, is YOU.

Lara's description of your Thanksgiving meal together sounded wonderful. I'm sure whatever you prepared is/was delicious and that your family was... also thankful for your meal, your presence, for YOU.

Pulling for you to make it through today, and every day.

~ waves ~ with lots of love your way

Ohhh!!! and i forgot to say...
 

(original post with message is on previous page :o oopsy. :o)

I'm sorry to hear you're also feeling so down... did I cause it by bringing back memories of your own lost loved ones? :( If I did I'm sorry and I didn't mean to. :hug:

Most of what you wrote describes a typical day in my life too, (except for the part about Thanksgiving which won't happen here for a month and a half :o) If I didn't know better I'd say you were spying on me. :p

I hope you had a nice holiday with your family; know that you are loved there just like you are here. And have fun with all of your Children-Addys and Grand-Addys, and any other kinds of Addys that I don't know about. :grouphug:

I love Thanksgiving! It's all about being surrounded by family for me! :D

Wow... I think you all hit the nail on the head, so to speak...

yep, it was the holiday that brought this depression back full swing... the anxiety and thoughts about what it might be like should NOT have brought me down as it did... but it did :(...

and my evening with my boys (their girlfriends, their Dad) and grand-Addy was more than I could have imagined... and I felt overwhelmed with thankfulness that it all turned out so well...

they love me... thank goodness for that.

and you love me... and for that, I will forever be grateful as I was truly blessed the day I found you!!!

:grouphug:

Woke up thinking about you Addy and wondering how you are feeling? :hug:
You have a lot going on in your life right now and I pray that you aren't feeling overwhelmed by it. Please remember that you are loved around here....and in real life. :grouphug:

Ah, thanks Alffeeeee. I'm sitting here with a siamese cat curled under one arm and a lap top on my knee, watching The Price is Right (lol!) sorta. I woke up to a lovely email from our Lara. I hope your weekend with your girls was full of warmth and laughter.

I'm doing much better - I seriously wish I could figure out what makes me spiral out of control when it comes to depression... my meds DO work but there are times I still can't seem to shake off that "not worthy" feeling. Its times like this that I just want to quit everything... knowing that isn't the answer!

I've only been back singing since about January and "they" have placed me in the back row of the chorus, left - where all the world can see me - I may as well be a soloist up there- and last night just before I went to bed I received an email from our choreographer telling me that some of my choreo moves are late, blah blah blah... and would I take some time to review it. That gets my blood boiling - I won't go into the details of how crappy she is a choreographer and lacks teaching skills.... I just gotta suck it up and practice even more ... either that or say screw it, I've got to slow down and not put so much pressure on myself (we're having a show in November).

Just bringing that up to show how quickly the scale can tip... I kept thinking - why couldn't I read that email in the morning - why did it have to be moments before I go to bed... aaaargh.... and I put the blame on this stupid woman when, really... she doesn't know better... and it is up to me .... AND I am letting it go, so there!

I may take the pressure off myself and not be in the show - I'm not sure if its vanity that keeps me going.... or if its stupidity.... lol ;)

And, in the scheme of things... this is nothing :)

Re: reaching out
 

[Never feel bad about reaching out to those of us on this site. It takes courage to admit when you are having a hard time. Do not be afraid to seek council. It is OK to feel stuck in rut. There are ways out, and you did the right thing by talking. You will only find careing compassionate people here. Since I go through bad depression too, I do know how it feels to be stuck not doing anything but sitting. When that happens I come back here, talk to my psychologist, and take that tiny step forward. My medical problems are severe, and I do need the help that I find right here. Please be good to yourself. I care about you. ginnie

(((Addy))) I'm so sorry. You could have described me to a T so many times in my life and a lot of them this past year. And yes, I think I would talk to the doctor about a change in your meds. Though I'm not sure what you are presently on. My doc told me long ago he believed I should be on ADs 4ever. All I know is that the few times I tried not to take them...oh my, bad choice.

I'm going to send you a message on FB with some info I think you should really look into! It's been highly touted by the NIMH and is a highly regarded practice.

(((hugs)))

Re: thinking of you
 

Hi addy, I am thinking about you too today. Please be good to yourself. I come back here all the time for support with my depression. I don't forget those of us who have to go through it. sending good thoughts your way. ginnie

My goodness was that our Doody that I saw? :hug:

Addy you enjoy singing so much with that group...don't let a bad choreographer spoil it for you.

So nice to have Goofy back from the low country...loving the pictures!!

ginnie you are so supportive of everyone...thank you. :hug:

Going to meet Barbo for lunch tomorrow...seems like forever since we did that.

And I wish you all could see Davids beautiful pictures on facebook.

Abbie did you have your first PT already? :hug:

Ah sweet ((((ginnie)))... thanks for your support! and Doody - yep, its her, Alffee! - thanks so much for more words of encouragement - and some invaluable advice on FB!

I'm hanging in there with the singing... I found out that many of us received that inappropriate email from our choreographer (she lacks people skills, too!) ... sadly she doesn't relate the fact that we are confused by her choreo because she's such a crappy teacher... ok, enough said about this.

I made a doctor appointment after my "talk" with Doody-sis .... going to see if I can add something more to my meds... make some changes.

I've also been reading over in the bipolar forum - learning a lot about myself ... its a diagnosis I fight but if I look closely at my life I know it to be true. I realize that the spectrum is wide and I definitely gain from more insight by reading/talking to others.


:grouphug: thanks everyone... I am humbled, as always, by the support.

Hi Addy
 

I am going to talk to my PC too.. I have been told I am by polar by him but not the pshchologist, so I don't know. I only know I feel the depression like you do and it is so hard. I feel empathy as nobody can do it by themselves. We need each other very much, especially when the world seems to be going nuts. There is alot we can do for each other just by talking. Have a peaceful night with good sleep. That alone helps a person to feel better. take care:hug: ginnie thank you to all who support me emotionally too!:hug: