I am a yo-yo.
 

I am ok, I am not, I am ok, I am so not ok.

Migraines. Almost everyday for a week now. But not headache migraines. Can't see, having auras, cognative stuff like I can't talk and look like I am having a stroke, but only a little headache.

I have an appointment to see the pdoc in a week.

I took a valum at lunch today, and I am only having a little blurred vision tonight. Which is a blessing. I was actually able to make dinner for a change.

I can't decide if it's from the chiropractor, stress, illness, my mood swings or what. I have no clue.

My mood is pretty good today, but I bawled all day Monday and some of last night. (Monday, I found out one of our clients died and she was one of my favorite people to see. Broke my heart.)

I thought grownups didn't rapid cycle so much. I mean, kids (my Wes) can cycle up and down in one day or in one hour. But I am usually really depressed for awhile-sometimes a week or even a few months, float back up into normal and rarely get even hypomanic.

Since the wreck at Christmas, I have been everywhere. BLeeeeaaaahhh! This sucks.

If I go to my regular doc, she'll just tell me to quit smoking. I can't right now, I really can't. I am so anxious I would flip my lid completely without nicotine.

Hopefully the pdoc has an idea.

Until then, I will stick to my teeny little valum at lunch and see if I can keep going. *They are only 2's. and a bottle usually lasts me 3 months. Not this month though. :( *


:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
I am so loosing it. Sheesh. Tigger-bounce, bounce, bounce.

oh, and I am SO not sleeping. I sleep like the dead, and I haven't been able to fall asleep at a decent hour since the migraines started.

You poor thing.
(((((((HUGS))))))
bizi:(
just wanted to get this first thouhgt off to you so I an come back and write a longer note.

Dear Mrs. Bear,
:hug:

I hope you feel better very soon.
Sleep would help. So would lots of things.
I am pulling for your pdoc to see some way to fix things.

M.

I am wondering if klonopin would serve you better.....you have gone through a very traumatic experience when your plate was already overflowing....I have a gut feeling it is for the good and you will finally be able to work out some issues so you will finally be kinder and gentler to yourself and not expect yourself to climb Mt. Everest all the time. Limitations are nice....they give us a comfort zone....Expecting yourself to be omnipotent is such an incredible burden.....
Boy you must have some incredible will....iron plus....can you start listening to more music or something? You care so much. That is such a wonderful trait..You really are so wonderful...I send you hugs....You will come out healthier after this period....I hope you can approach it with curiosity and say to yourself,,okay what comes next? you will be safe....
Bobby

Morgy / Bobi-love. Yes, my body is putting limitations on me. I am still searching for a middle of the road solution. I am looking for peace and trying to accept that this is how my body works now. No more used-to-coulds. It is hard.

No one can avoid stress, even good stress. But even good stress makes me sick. grrrr. I will win. Even if it means adapting better.

I am starting a garden. That gives me peace, time to not think and just do. I love watching the plants grow, but I hate avoiding touching the worms. icky.

Thank you for the hugs Mari and bizi. I know you are going through the same thing right now Mari, so I really appreciate the support.

I wonder what helps anxiety besides benzos? I have been on Paxil, Zoloft and Wellbutrin, which are all supposed to help. But I had REALLY bad reactions to the Paxil and Zoloft.

I loved Wellbutrin, but my GP wont even consider it and forbade me to take it again. She didn't explain, but I think it's because I had seizures on Effexor.

But then she gives me Cymbalta??? Who knows.

I need my pdoc.

Neurontin, (Gabapentin)
 

:) Dear Bear:) ,

Neurontin has been terrific against anxiety & depression for several people that I know. Generally, the minimum dose is 300 mg. 3X daily but you have to titrate gradually to see what works. I have heard some say that one should really make that 4X daily since the supposed half-life isn't as long as advertised. On the other side of the coin, one woman that I know who initially thought it was a wonder drug, (Quote: "This should be illegal"), stopped taking it within two weeks because it made her feel like taking cocaine.

LOL!! I definately didn't feel that way. Nerontin made me so danged loopy. I ran a red light. Sheesh. I couldn't function.

There is something out there. Even if it's non-pharmacuetical. Like Bobi's idea of changing my mind set.

I would like to seriously take the time to find a yoga class. Or Ti Chi. Something to work the sad, sore muscles and teach me a little concentration.

uugh. Still a teeny bit manic. eeeeeee :eek: Can't hold still and crawling in my own skin. And the valum is making the achey pain unbearable. I wonder if clonapin has teeny doses like valum? Wesley's clonapin is such a high dose that it knocks me out. (the pdoc had me try it for awhile.)

My husband so does not need the added stress of me wigging. His ex is pcychotic right now and is calling the house constantly. I swear, when she gets ill, he is the only one she can think of to call. Poor dear.

At least Wes is stable. He freaks when I am not. So I try not to say anything to anyone. They get all diss-combooberated.

Thank you all. I don't have anywhere else to vent or let out all of these crazy, disjointed thoughts. I have warned the people around me what's up, but don't go into details. They will try to mother me. And that will flip me out and them.

aaahhhh.

5 more days. I can do this. Maybe everything will switch off in the mean time.

*sound of airplane crashing and large explosion. I am crashing.

3 more days. I wake up ok and then the day crashes around me.

The manager here will let me go home if I need to. I just don't want to be alone right now.

So many things in my head.

Letting go sounds so nice.


Anybody have sugar and chocolate stop the spinn-y thoughts? It worked last night. But I passed out cold. (at least I slept).

Just curious. It was really weird. :eek:

hugs to you dear bear.
((((HUGS))))
bizi:grouphug:

Broke down and begged for an appointment today. Sweet man fit me in.

I get to take risperdal and lithium. He thinks the Lamictal might be causing the eye trouble so I start titrating down on that.

I want this to work but I SO hate new meds. It's almost as bad as not having them while you waiting for them to work or for side effects to fade.

But there really isn't a reasonable alternative, is there?

sigh.

I have a feeling I am going to be bugging you guys alot here for a while.

Thank you bizi. Thank you so much. :hug:

:grouphug: For everybody for putting up with me!!

what about your depression Bear?
How are they going to treat that sweetie?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

He thinks it's a psycotic episode. So the anti-psycotic and the extra mood stablizer. I think he said something about risperdal having mood elevating effects like Lamictal. (I am not too with it, so I am reading about the new meds as we speak.)

I did find out I can't take my Naproxin with the Lithium. It can cause toxicity. (comas and stuff) So we will see how long I can go without the anti-inflamatories.

I am being very careful. And I have his cell phone number. I will get my butt in a sling if I don't call him. :eek: He didn't like that I waited so long. (I wish I had a picture of how big his eyes got when I explained how bad it's been. It actually suprised him. Me too, actually.)

But everything together should help me sleep and I think that is going to be the first step in curbing the depression.

I am obsessing about gaining weight though. It's freaking me out. BUT, it was freaking me out before and I had only gained 5 pounds. Irrational but powerful.

LOVE you guys. I am getting sleepy (YEAH) so meds are kicking in. Night-night.

I let you know how tomorrow goes. My boss is coming in for his monthly freak everybody out and then leave meeting. I told my manager I'd bring him a valum. ;) :D (He is truly as stressed out as I am, he just isn't bipolar. Lucky snot.)

:rolleyes: I am so dopey. I know it's the lithium. I don't think I should be at work today, but I have no choice.

I wonder how to tell my boss without him freaking out. He looses it if I am gone more than an hour let alone a day or two. When I had the car accident he called me every day until I screamed at him to leave me be to recover.

Plus, I can't leave my manager hanging. He's my friend, not just my boss. He has told me over and over again that he can't run this place without me. Great. Feels good to be needed. But I need a little down time.

Plus, I feel like bawling again. If I take a valum, I am afraid I'll be sound asleep under my desk. LOL.

We'll see. I can do this. I really can. There have been worse things in my life, but I don't deal well when it's me I need to nurture. Every other extreme situation in my life has been about me caring for others.

Like my Bobby tells me; this is a learning experience for me. How to be kind to myself. How to revamp my expectations of myself and re-priortize my life.

This is so hard!

Oh Oh Oh
 

Dear Erin,

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. relieved that your pdoc seems on the ball with supporting you through this. i don't have a lot to say but that i hope the new med cocktail will help you feel better quick.

((( hugs )))

~ waves ~

Thank you waves. I am sorry that you know how this feels. But I am greatful that I have you to understand!

Thank you for double checking the Rispedal for me bizi. I thought that was what I had read, but my head isn't processing well. THANK YOU!

Two valum, and I made it all day. Even with Mr. Freakout - the poor man doesn't know his up from down right now. My manager and I ended up laughing after he left, so, not so bad.

My honey bunny and my friend (the one who got ****** at the hair dresser:D ) called me every hour or so to make sure I didn't go postal. LOL

Dang, they know me well. :wink:

I did tell my boss what was happening and he was very calm and careful with me. Helped alot actually. Then he got into his religeous beliefs trying to help me. (I am non-denom and don't care if someone is devote, I just bristle if someone demands that I get devote.) Even that didn't bug me much cause I knew he was just trying to help.

oh bear you made it thru the day!!!!
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

reading between the lines you sound great even though you are going through such a trial. I got severely psychologically depressed when faced with my having to take care of myself rather than first taking care of others...I still haven't figured out why but it became a brave new world....it was so much easier for me to take care of others...that was what had been raised to do and my nature was intune with it too....I wonder if that is part of your depression. You are being hit on all sides now so I don't know if you can separate out but I think you are being forced to start considering taking care of yourself...there might be an emptiness associated with it.....the emptiness might be a reflection of all the nurturing you missed when you were a young child....
I love risperdal although i think it caused weight gain...it isn't just an antipsychotic...it really toned down my obsessive thoughts and my rage.....
abilify and geodon didn't work for me...lithium only worked to gain weight...I wish you didn't have to be on lithium...I wish I didn't write that....I am on topamax which I love...I am on 100 mg...two hundred mg was too much for me...
I am so pleased to read that you are getting so much support....oh is that wonderful...I hope you bask in it...You deserve it....I hope you have no voices in you saying you should be doing better than you are but rather a steady voice saying what a golden opportunity to heal and become whole from all of the past....
keep on posting frequently.....
Bobby

:hug: Morgy.

You know what's funny? I cancelled all of my Chiropractor appointments this week. It felt GOOD. I am trying to put off anything that involves time frames or deadlines, and trying to make it to my appoinments right after work was stressing me. It's nice to take the stress off myself. There are only 2 things I HAVE to do this week and that is to get Con an appointment for his migraine today and then take him in for a hearing test on Friday.

(Goofy kid got one of his earings stuck in his ear canal last fall and even though the doc gave him anti-biotics and didn't find any damage to the eardrum, he has been having trouble hearing out of that ear ever since! Poor thing.)

Of course it chose to snow today, so my fibro is flaring, but...... somethings gotta give somewhere. My dad says pain is only a mechanism to remind us we are still alive. Leave it to a Green Barrett to come up with that one. :D

And it does make me feel good to take care of other people. I AM compensating for the empty place left from my childhood.

You truly have a deep sense of people, Bobby. I am always astounded but really greatful. I need to look at myself and you help me see.

Lithium scares the crap out of me. But I am desperate to be well, so I am going to give a chance. (and I am not going to buy anything sugary and fatty. I have to cook mostly fat free anyway because of Wes's gallbladder. Had to give him a lortab last night because I made meatloaf. :rolleyes: )

Love you, bizi! I am gonna do it again today. Nothin's gonna hold me back no matter how hard. Still a solder's daughter.

But I am not a solder. I get to be kind to myself. ;)

I am so amazed at how chemically sensitive Wes and I are. 2 days into the new meds and the depression is beginning to lift. I am waiting for the anxiety and panic to subside. But the racing thoughts are leaving as well. A little freaky, but a blessing.

:hug: You are strong and doing very well, hang in there.

Thinking of you................................Nikko:)

Thank you for saying that, Nikko cause I'm not feeling very strong right now.

Wes and I were at the ER until 2am cause he had a gallbladder attack. My fibro flare is now an all out murderous torture. (And I can't take anti-inflamitories now because of the lithium. I have no idea what to do.)

And least moving around keeps the pain at screaming level instead of immobile level. Plus I am getting some sort of wild rash again. sigh

Just whining. I left a message with the pdoc. Hopefully he can call by tomorrow. sheesh.

Dear Bear,
I hope that Wes is ok.
Are you getting sleep?
Does sleep help with the fibro flares being not so bad??

Take it easy Bear.
Even with your two sons, you might be able to manage finding more ways to relax. You find things for other peope. I wish you could be gentler on yourself.
I am really really not trying to sound bossy. But do you think you could find one or two more ways? :idea:


I am still learning to take care of myself.
It is hard to undo the learning we got in our homes. Mine was a relatively good childhood but, man, was I taught to feel responsible -- for myself and everyone. I want to stop being responsible.

I want to be just barely responsible enough to do what I need to do. No more.

M.

Bear - How are you doing today???????????????????????????




Nikko:hug:

Oh wow. It's allready Friday night. Shmooley Smokes.

I am still doing better. I have slept about 7 hours in the past 48 because Wes has been in the ER for his tummy. But emotionally, I am really well. I have been able to go to work and make dinner and run here and run there through it all. (My hubby let me sleep for a hour earlier when I got home from work and he got the kids pizza. :D Great. Just what Wes needs. FAT!)

Wes was in the ER again last night. I found him passed out and unconsious on the kitchen floor. I couldn't get him to move or wake up for a while. Felt like forever, but it was really only a minute. The pain was so bad, he was passing out. But they repeated every test from the night before and added a few more (heart) and then tried to tell me he was probably dehydrated and constipated. :rolleyes: Lortab didn't touch the pain but 2 more bags of IV fluid did. He's back down to a constant 2 in pain and he says that's livable. He'll take it.

So two more docs for Wes. Con says his migrain is better, but we will see tomorrow. (his best friend is here and if they play W.O.W all night, he just may get that headache back.) I have to reschedule Con's hearing test because the machine broke. At least they cancelled before I left work.

Fibro flairs at the most in-oportune times. Wheather changes, insomnia, not enough excersize, too much excersize, the planet aligns in just the right placement that you are stuck in the middle of the gravitaitional force of a distant black hole ;) . Sleep is a biggie. Not enough, and the body fights back. I have bawled my way out of bed yesterday and today. But the longer I am up and the more I move, the better off I am.

I have GOT to get with my GP about monitoring me so I can start taking my Naproxin again. Since I can't take that with Lithium I am a little extra whiney and ouchey. (OK alot! extra ouchey and very, very whiney.)

The funniest part of all of this? My rash won't stay away. Even with claratin. Benedryl keeps it back while it's in me, but I don't dare take it during the day. It has made me laugh though. I loose my mind, but am still vain enough to worry about the red bumps on my face and neck. LOL!

My dad. He's so funny. I told him what was happening to me only if he promised not to tell my mom. (She would make herself sick with worry.) He got all sweet and mushey and told me he loves me and to hang in there. He never used to tell any of us he loved us, but is doing so now on a regular basis.

It sounds weird, but I didn't know I needed to hear him say "I love you." Like you don't miss the taste of chocolate if you've never had it before, but once you take it away, you start to crave it once and a while. Just, wow.

Mrs. Bear,

I too have a rash on my face and neck that gets worse and worse as time goes on. Nothing seem to help mine. I also am suppose to get on lithium but did not know I cannot take anti-flamatories with it. It's a good thing I know now.

I'm glad you seem to be doing better and hope Wes and Con do alright also.

befuddled2

I wonder what that's from? I get it every so often and it is irritating as all get out. The rash doesn't really itch, it kinda hurts but doesn't. I went into my doc last time it happened and she had me on anti-hystamines 24/7 until they finally went away. (She threatened me with a bi-opsy if I didn't take the meds, so I made sure I did. She can be so mean, little teeny ball of fire that she is. :D )

I talked with the pharmacist about the Lithium, anti-inflamatory problem. There is a "potential" for serious toxicity from the combination. He said to get with my doc and talk about a monitoring system (timely blood draws for lithium and liver enzyme levels) and see what the doc thinks about all of it. He said if I can get the doc on board, I should be able to get back on the naproxin.

Now all I have to do is find the time to get an appointment. My kids come first, but I need to be well to put them first. catch 22. Damned both ways. :rolleyes:

Thank you BF. You are a good friend. :hug:

Hi Mrs. Bear,

My rash on my face does itch.

I know you would be glad to be able to take the Naproxin as when the pain comes it can be bad at times.

:hug: befuddled2