I need to know, did I do something wrong???
 

Okay! Here's the deal! I attend some support groups for various
mental health conditions. Depression, Anxiety, etc. .
Well, I have a very close, (at least, we were,) in these groups.
Anyhow, lately, my friend's been going through an incredibly
difficult time with some personal issues in his life.
Well, since, he's such a close friend, I've really been devastated,
because, there's really, nothing, I can do, to help him through any
of this. I mean, I've been sobbing, daily, because, I just want to take
all of this away from him and I want to see him happy, again!
Anyhow, the other day, I was at one of my groups and one of our
mutual friends noticed that I was pretty upset about something,
so, they asked, what was wrong. Well, I guess, I was so upset, I just
needed someone to talk to. So, I told our mutual friend why, I was so
upset and I explained that I just wanted, so much, to help our mutual
friend through his issues. Anyhow, I didn't think, this would happen,
but, my friend found out what happened! Now, he feels, I've betrayed
his trust, so, he can't/ won't talk to me, about things, anymore.
Thing is, I honestly wasn't trying to reveal his personal business.
Actually, I did what, I did, because, I do, care about him!! Anyhow, I just
need to know, did I do something wrong, because, I *care* about my
friend, which, is why, I needed to talk to our mutual friend about,
If, my friend would talk to me and I could explain, I think, he might,
understand.

Phyllis

It's a matter of trust I think Phyllis. Your heart was in the right place..perhaps he'll be able to forgive you given time. :hug::hug:

I know, Alffe!:(:(
 

:( And in retrospect, I know, I should've, known, better! I just hope, in time, he'll realize where my heart was!! :o


Phyllis :(:o

Hi Phyllis, I think I found your thread you mentioned last night. :)

I agree with Alffe.

I find even in my own neighbourhood that these issues occur. Hopefully he will understand and get over it and you can be friends again.

Thank you, Lara!!
 

:(I just wish he could understand that I did this, because, I was
so upset, because, I couldn't help *him*!!

Phyllis:hug:

Just, bumping,.......................................... .............................
 

:confused: In case, anyone else has any thoughts???:(

Phyllis :hug:

Hi ponygirl
 

You can only do the best you can do. Your heart was in the right place. Sometimes a person who is depressed is very sensitive. Hopefully he will realize in your effort to help him, you talked about him to try and help the situation. I have done this too, my son is depressed, and I had to talk to others to be able to cope, and try and help. Maybe with a little time, you can explain to him how much you care. ginnie

I just wish.............................................. ............................
 

:( I could shake him and make him see that this wasn't a matter
of him, not, being able to trust me, anymore!!:(
I'll be seeing him on Wednesday. What, the hell, do I say/ do???:(

Phyllis:(

Make it about him Phyllis, not about you. He probably feels that you can't handle his "dumping" on you so he shouldn't do it anymore. I would apologize to him, given the opportunity to do so in private, and tell him that you only want the best for him and will try to help, if listening helps.

Thanks, Alffe!!
 

It may not help, BUT, I KNOW, it can't mess things up more, than, I have,
already!:rolleyes::(

Phyllis :hug:

Re: possible responce
 

Tell him you are sorry, that you didn't know it would hurt him. Do it in private like alffe said. Ask for forgiveness. If forgiveness isn't in his nature, and he spurns your attempt to say you are sorry, he might not have been that good of a friend to begin with. Friendships work both ways. It is important to beforgiving each to the other. I have said I am sorry to my best friend before. Because there was real love there, I was forgiven and we moved on to have even a better friendship than we had before. I really hope that this person in your life will see that you so much wanted to help. In life we need all the good people around us as we can have. Remember it works both ways, and do not be so hard on yourself if things don't work as you hoped. You cannot "make" another individual see your points of view. You can only hope, that you both can rise above this situation and continue on with a good friendship. I wish you all the best. ginnie

Ginnie, thank you!!
 

:( I have a feeling, I know how things are going to turn out,
though, because, he's told me, already, he shares things, only,
with people, he trusts. :o

Phyllis

Hi Phyllis
 

I will pray that he listens to you. I will also keep you in my thoughts. It is hard to face something like that, I know he meant alot to you. Friends do go in and out of our lives, even when we don't want that to happen. If it doesn't work out, rise above it, and keep trying to better yourself. You will make other friends as your nature is so caring. You will find others, that allow for a human mistake which we all make. Forgiveness is always the key. Don't beat up on yourself OK? ginnie

Ginnie, he's the president off an organization, I belong to!........................
 

:) It's an organization, I've been a part of, for, years!
It's an organization for people with mental health issues.
Depression, anxiety, (Schizo-afffective Disorder, (which, he has,)
etc., .

Phyllis

RE: Oh boy
 

Well that sure explains why you wanted to make amends. Considering what the group is, all the more reason for forgiveness. When mental health issues are involved, and the president has those same issues, it seems to me, that allowing for judgemental mistakes would be part of the business of being president. We are suppose to embrace each other, and for our mistakes too. My son is depressed and every so touchy, no matter what I say to him. I have to allow him this testyness, because I am accounting for his depression. The president of the group is to lead. Part of that is to lead by example, especially when the mental health of all are involved. If this falling out, would effect you so negatively, maybe there is another group or counceiling you could go to. I would not want to be around somebody, that after this kind of falling out, would judge me harshly in front of the group. It would make me very uncomfortable to be around the group. We all are so fragile at times, and I sure hope there can be a resolution where you don't feel so bad. You need to feel comfortable whereever you go for council, and to be accepted with your faults. He should be the first to forgive, because he is in the position of leadership. That has responsibility with it to others. Do you kinda know what I mean? I hope you know that I do care about what happens to you in this situation. I have been rejected by some in my own life and it can sure hurt. Be kind, even when it isn't always returned to you. ginnie:hug:

Whoa, Ginnie, hold on!! Put on the brakes!!!
 

:confused: As I said, he has an illness, himself. I mean, doesn't that mean,
anything? I mean, we had a great friendship, before, this!!:D
Yes, he's the organizations' president, *but*, he has issues, himself.
This is a totally volunteer run organization for people with mental
health issues. So, we, all, have *something*! Therefore, I need/ want to
consider, his, heeds, also. And no, I can't find something else,
because, I love everyone there, including, him, aside, from this issue.

Phyllis

Re: Ok
 

[I am glad you love the people in your group. It does make a person feel good to be around others who understand. I get why you don't want to leave that group. When you develope a rapore with a group, I would not want to leave it eithor. Of course you want to hear his needs too. I just think there needs to be an acceptance of each others faults, considering it happened between you both. That can't happen if he isn't open to your appology. I don't want him to single you out in the group to make your uncomfortable. I will hope and pray that he has forgiveness and you can go on with this wonderful organization with a good heart. Let me know what happens and I will continue to pray that a good result can happen, where you can continue on being friends, and enjoying the company of all those at your get togethers. We all need the support of each other, especially dealing with all the emotional issues. My thoughts and hopes are with you. ginnie

Ginnie, I want you to understand,....................................... .......
 

I *know*, he would *never* bring this up in a group. If anything,
it'll be discussed in private or in private on FaceBook, which, he and I
are both, on. He'd *never* embarrass me, anywhere! That, I know! He's
not doing *any* of this to be mean. Again, he only confides in people
he really trusts and I broke that trust. I really can't blame him.
I'm only hoping that he can see that I only did what, I did, because,
*I* needed someone else to help *me* help *him*.

Phyllis

RE: I get it
 

It is good that he would not bring it up in public. I hope then in private he will re-establish trust with you. I will hope and pray he does, as I can tell the relationship you had with him is very important to you. I am glad he isn't mean or anything like that. I just hope it works out, that your friendship can go on, and become stronger even in the face of this situation. We do need each other on this earth, and friends are hard to come by. I will be thinking of you tomorrow, and praying. ginnie

Well,, I only see him zon Wednesdays.................................
 

:)It's a once, a week, thing. So, you have an entire week!!;)
:)Thanks a bunch!!;)

Phyllis

yes, i know your heart was in the right place
 

Dear Phyllis

i'm so sorry you have landed in this difficult situation, and i truly hope that your friend gives you a second chance. i know your heart was in the right place.

did i understand correctly, that the person you confided in, about your friend, was in the same support group? so all people that know each other?

if so, one bit of "advice" i have, not so much for this situation, but for the future, should you find yourself having trouble dealing with emotions based on what a friend has confided in you, is that, if you, in turn, share what has been confided with someone else, you choose someone who is strictly outside the circle. if you don't have anyone "safe" like that, this might mean talking about it in your own therapy sessions. that is the safest place usually.

i understand his feelings about broken trust. he doesn't feel he has control over that information any more, and the fact that it was shared with another group member could mean that it will "spread" ... and i'm sure that is very upsetting to him.

so yes, i agree you do owe him an apology, because you broke a confidence. :o he may not be forthcoming about accepting it, or about trusting you in the immediate sense, but give him some time. things like this do not get fixed overnight, so, offer him your patience as well at this point. i know it is hard. even if he says he will never trust you again... i have learned that people sometimes say things like that out of hurt...he may feel that way now, but given time to heal he may come around nonetheless.

on a slightly different slant: your boundaries:

you got overwhelmed by his pain. you have your own fragilities, and need to take care of yourself first. imho, when someone is confiding/sharing too much pain with you, this is hurtful to you. not that they mean to hurt you. you must be the one to set the boundaries. you can do this in concrete ways, for instance if the person wants to talk on the phone, or have coffee, right at the outset, let them know you have only a half hour or an hour... so that the "session" doesn't get protracted into an emotional dumping that will take it out of you... and then perhaps be repeated a day or too later.

this is based on the oxygen mask principle. you know how in airplanes they say, put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting others. that is because if you don't, you could suffocate while struggling to assist someone else (like a child), and then you both die. once you keep yourself safe, you are in a position to help someone else, and in a position to try and try again if there are difficulties.

as far as the boundaries go, they are entirely your responsibility, and if your friend suggests he was wrong or tries to apologize for "dumping on you too much," my suggestion is to tell him that the main source of your pain was your sense of inability to help him. I would also tell him outright that it is your responsibility, and not his, to limit yourself if you start to feel overwhelmed, because only you can know what you can handle. i would not let him walk away with a sense of fault or guilt about overwhelming you - as it will cause him to distance himself, not only for lack of trust which is hopefully temporary, but for fear of hurting you which might be more permanent.

i hope some of this helps.

take care Phyllis. you have a big heart. :Heart:
(maybe too big for your own good sometimes! ...meant in the best way!;)) :circlelove:

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Re: thank you waves
 

Thank you for responding to Phyllis. You said so many good things in the way of advice. You have a way of putting words into such a helpful way to understand. I am sure phyllis will appreciate it very much. I sure wanted to try and help too. I care about her, and understand now just what has happened to her and this friendship as you have been reading. I am so glad that this site exists so that we can reach out to each other in the best way we know how. ginnie:hug:

Good morning Phyllis, I am continuing to pray for you. I will hope for that solution, where peace can be restored! ginnie :hug:

Okay! Now, I KNOW, EVERYONE is going to think, I'm a fruit-loop!!!...Lol
 

:o I broke down and got Arthur a Christmas gift!
See, Arthur's an incredible artist/ painter!! :D.
:eek: Anyhow, the other day, I came across a beautiful artist's acrylic
painting set!!:D Well! I probably don't have to tell you the rest!
:( But, it had his name written all over it! I couldn't help, myself!!
:(I couldn't let it just, sit there! :o
:(I'm hoping and praying, it'll do *something*, for the anger/ hatred,
he has for me, right, now! Stupid move?????? Please, be
honest!! :o

Phyllis

Hi Ponygirl,

Your friend sounds like he has that very typical male trait (like me) that makes him not want to open up to anybody. We don't like people to know our problems so we only open up to one or two people that are very important to us. So you are obviously very important to him, and he probobly still wants to be able to talk to you, because people like you are IMPOSSIBLE to replace. So I think it's just a matter of time before he forgives you (if he hasn't already), and even starts to confide in you again. Maybe he might even be a little jealous that you talked to someone else about your problems instead of him? He may need to know that he's really important to you, and I think your gift to him should help a lot. (It would for me anyway)

As much as we like to pretend otherwise, men are very simple creatures. We are very proud and very private, and it's hard for us to trust other people because it makes us feel vulnurable.

thelonely1,....................................... ...................................
 

No! Actually, my friend was *very* open and pleading with me to give him answers for what he was going through! That's what made it so hard for me. Because, he did, let me know that he was hurting so much! So, I felt very helpless in, helping, him. He *was* telling me how much he was hurting, but, I couldn't help him. That's what I shared with some mutual friends. I spoke with some mutual friends, because, I needed some suggestions about, how to help him. This isn't about jealousy. It's about him being upset, because, he found out that I went to some mutual friends, about, him.

Phyllis

Waves, thank you!!
 

Yes, our mutual friends are from the groups, Arthur and I, both,
attend. You're right about the fact that I shouldn't share things about
him with others in our .groups. And normally, I'd never do that! Thing is, I was so upset about not being able to help him, that, I guess, a couple of our friends could tell that something was wrong with me. So, they asked if I was okay. Anyhow, I told them the truth and told them that I was upset because I really wanted to help our mutual friend, but, didn't know how. That's the reason, Arthur got upset. Because, I went to someone else about him. But, he doesn't understand, I went to others, because, I *want* to help him, so, I was trying to get some suggestions from some friends who, know both of us. He doesn't understand, I did this, because, I *do*, care so much about him!:(:(

:hug:

Phyllis

I was trying to say that you are the one he wants to share with, and he doesn't want anyone else to know that he has these problems. You are the special one that he wants to talk to, and he wants to keep his feelings secret from your mutual friends.

And the other thing I mentioned about jealousy, I meant maybe he wanted you to tell him when you were feeling upset. Let him know that you want to help him but that you don't know how. Confide your feelings in him the same way he confides in you, instead of talking to a mutual friend about them.

I'm soooo confused!!!
 

:( I've been trying, *forever*, to get Arthur to "friend", me, on
FaceBook! Well, finally, he did it!!! :D :eek:*But*, I did, get a message
from him, saying, he hasn't wanted to "friend" me, because, *he*, feels,
*I'm*, too "clingy"!?! :confused: :eek:This is insane!! I mean, *he*, was the one,
who,would *constantly*, be on-line, looking for* me*, because, he was
going through a horrendous time!?!? :eek::confused: :eek:He, was the one, who was
clingy, but, I *wanted* to be there for him, so, I never saw it, that, way!
Anyhow, yes, since, that time, I have, been around him more and trying
to spend more time with him, in case, he does, need me! :(
:eek: I mean, he seems to be playing this game of "Come close/ get
away!":( :confused: Which, do I listen, to?!? :(

Phyllis :confused::(

Hmmm... it does seem odd that he would freak out about you talking to other people and then claim that you're the clingy one. I'm afraid that he's the only one who can tell you what he really wants. I don't know how to explain the mixed signals he seems to be sending you. You mentioned that he suffered from a few emotional/mental issues, is it possible that he's bi-polar or has some other mood-altering condition? (besides depression)

Phyllis, I have been reading the previous posts. I can't help wondering about these mutual friends telling him what you said. It sounds like you trusted them and they went and told your friend. Not too nice on their part; as it appears they broke the confidence you placed in them. Not a good situation all the way around.

Difficult as it may be, just give him a smile when you see him. He will know you are open and still care about him. Maybe the Facebook may not be good for discussions with him. Just, if possible, let him make the move and hope for an eventual smile back to you.

I wish I could say something that would help you with this dilema. Good for you to vent, we care about you.

Thank you, both, for responding, I sooo, appreciate it!!!
 

theloney1, let me go back a bit. He got upset, because, I spoke with
mutual friends, regarding, things that he'd shared with me, because,
he kept coming to me, so upset and I didn't know how to help him.
So, I tried to go to some mutual friends for some advice.
So, he sees it as, I broke his confidence. Which, looking back, I do,
understand. So, I've written an e-mail of apology, but, haven't heard,
back, yet. Ger, these are groups for people with mental illnesses.
I have Depression and anxiety. He suffers from Schizo-affective (sp?)
Disorder. :eek: I don't know, anymore!?! :confused::rolleyes::(

Phyllis

It just seems that this has caused you so much extra stress and anxiety. I do understand the type of group you are with; but you also are a part of that group as well. It seems unfortunate that it is causing so much extra stress. All the more reason for trying to understand one another because they should also be aware of what this has done to you.

Has any of the "mutual friends" come to you and apoligized and said they were sorry for telling your "friend " what you disclosed to them?

Hope I'm am not upsetting you; just want you to know there is dialogue here.While not part of any group do have, as well as one of my daughters, some emotional/anxiety issues myself.

Ger, I haven't confronted them, because,.............................
 

I haven't said anything to them, because, they could, easily, tell me,
they never said, anything. And I have no way, to prove, they did.
Then, it would start a whole new issue. This whole thing started,
because,be was so upset, because, he was going through so much
and wanted answers from me, about, how to deal with his situation.
and I felt so helpless, because, I didn't have the answers, so, I went
to a couple of mutual friends, hoping, they'd know what I could say/
do, to help him. Now, he feels, I betrayed his confidence. He doesn't
understand, I was only, trying to help him. I mean, I know, he feels
betrayed, but, he won't discuss it with me, so, I can try to get him
to understand!:(

Phyllis

It wouldn't be a good idea to discuss this any further with the mutual friends. Best just to let it go or as you say, it would only make matters worse.

Maybe he, like many men, is quite private and there's a good chance he really did not expect you to solve things for him; but maybe he just needed someone to listen and kinda vent and felt he could do that with you. Try, if possible, not to bring this matter up because it just reminds him all over again. It's just going to take some time for him to get over this. Hopefully it will become a faded memory.

Take care of yourself.
Ger

Phyllis

Hard as it will be you are going to have to let it go. When he is around,
try to make contact. And when he is ready he will talk.

Its going to work out.

Donna

Dmom,............................................. ...................................
 

;) *I*, have, let it go. I mean, I never mention it to him. I just don't
like the fact that I've caused him to distrust me, now, so, he doesn't
feel like, he can confide in me, anymore. :(

Phyllis

Phyllis

How are you doing? Let us know.

You are such a caring person.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Donna, I'm *only* caring, because,..........................................
 

;) I "care" a *great* deal about, *this*, person! It has *nothing*, to
do, with being caring! :o...Lol Anyhow! Now, he won't share with me,
anymore, bcuz, he *thinks*, I was too "clingy", when, I only wanted to
be treated as, I knew, he was treating some of our mutual friends!
This whole thing started over, F. / B. . He'd put a *bunch* of our mutual
friends on his F./B. "friends" list. However, he wouldn't add *me*, so,
naturally, I was hurt and couldn't understand his reasoning?!?
Anyhow! Now, he thinks, I was being too "clingy" as, he put it!
However, *he*, was the one, who was *constantly, talking to me about,
a *horrible* time, he was going through. So, I guess, I came to care
about him a little too much, since, he was coming to me, 24/7, and
*constantly* telling me how, he was hoping, I'd be on-line because,
he really needed to talk! Long story, short, he's added me to his
"friends", list, but, I haven't seen him, yet, so, we shall see!!;)
Sooo,...sorry, you asked?!?...Lol:) Thanks so much!!:)

Phyllis

Okay! Here's the deal! I attend some support groups for various
mental health conditions.
__________________________
Okay. Here's the deal: Attending support groups for whatever reasons, be it e.g. Al-Anon, whatever, in my experience, has very basic confidentiality 'ground rules', re: "What's shared here, stays here!"
It's what allows such groups to actually function vs. dysfuntion.
(I, a woman, would feel similarly "respect & confidentiality breeched" in a similar experience, no matter *how* good/close that friendship.)

You do obviously care greatly about your friend. I wish you healing within your friendship.

He wasn't sharing those things with me at group, though!
 

He was sharing them, privately, on facebook

Phyllis :Thanx: