My M-I-L is coming home for the Holidays
 

While my B-I-L and his lady are on vacation till January 1st. My Mom in Law
is coming out here to her house. Well I have no problem with that.

I have a problem with the fact I've been trying to ask for weeks that we
find out exactly when and work out this schedule he is sure we need.

She supposedly needs someone there with her 24/7 or close. And that
just doesn't work when you don't know the schedule.

Well it turns out they are leaving Thursday morning. So either she is
coming tomorrow night, or Thursday morning. And I guess we are picking
her up. Or he is.

Anyway my husband was yelling, this and that, when can you watch or stay
with her. But he didn't really want to listen. I can't do it either thursday.
So I learn when I suggest he ask, his other brother if he and his wife can
come out. I get yelled at, I'm not going to because he had surgery, for
cancer. Well gosh, it would have been nice to know that.

When was anyone going to tell me that he has cancer, and all this.
Never I guess if I hadn't wanted someone to help out. UGH.

But its life with him. Now watch, he will need someone to help on
Saturday's and Sunday's when he should be the one.


I am willing to do my share, I can on almost all days, I'm going to even give
my vacation up for this.
Donna:grouphug:

Donna,

I guess he does not come from a family that communicates very well.
You are doing more than your share already. :grouphug:

M

Donna,

Have you found out how many days this will be? About eleven days?
I hope that your sons can help.

Mari

not what Christmas is all about, is it.
 

Dear Donna :hug::hug::hug:

i am sad for you. you sound so upset and frustrated, and i see good reasons for both. i mean a visit from your MIL could be a NICE thing, even with the support she needs, if it were organized. instead, it is being made into a big "production" where it seems to me, it need not. just because others don't want to get organized. it sounds like a lot more is being placed on your shoulders than you either should have to handle or deserve. and it is being done in a mean way.

you are kinder than i probably would be giving up your vacation. i might be so filled with resentment at that treatment, and lack of information, that i would just take off and let the pieces fall where they may. or i might not because then who is going to be the one hurting in the end... the elderly M-I-L who if i'm not mistaken is the one who had broken her hip/femor? and how sad for her to want to visit and people treating her like baggage. except you.

geez. it's Christmas. sigh. this is not what Christmas is all about. :( that's what makes me sad about this too.

i hope it can all work out Donna, and like Mari that your sons will help out. i hope your husband settles down and is more respectful and appreciative of your efforts, AND CONTRIBUTIVE TO them too!

lots of love and strength to you Donna:heartthrob:, to weather the storm. :circlelove: you are a sweetheart. do please carve yourself out some time through this, and insist on others' help. because you need rest and relaxation as well. Christmastime is enough work for moms - and especially working moms - even without stuff like this.

more :hug::hug::hug:s
~ waves ~

p.s.

any chance you can have an Aide come in, at least on some days, or for portions of days?

Thanks Ladies.

Derrick has already offered and will definately split the time with me.

Devin is working days, so he is home in the evening and helps Sabrina.
Which is going to be a full-time job most of the time. There are 4 kids
down there. But I'm hoping to work through this.
And part of the time, the kids can stay here with me, and even Sabrina
go spend some time with M-I-L.

Danny works afternoons, and he has a smoke smell on almost all his
clothes. Its according to whether we can figure out how to get that off
him. He has always gone over and spent some time with her. When
he was laid off. I had already said, something to him. We will see.
His girl, is one that sometimes set some time aside for her. But she
is unreliable. And when he called her, she is sick right now.


There were two ladies that came to visit with her on afternoon's I asked
if we should get ahold of them. To see if either of them would have time
to come. He said, yes, he would one. The other usually is gone part
of the break she works at the school. But I don't hold any hope to his
doing it. So I will probably tomorrow.


He thinks he will just call a friend of ours, that lives in another town. And
ask if she has time. Hmmm, as if people have time at christmas time. This
friend if she isn't working might just arrange it for him or not.

But that is about it. We live in a little town. And I am available, I have
some set times that I wont be available. He will just have to work around.
And I am not changing plans. I knew it was coming I'm more upset, he didn't
think it was important to tell me his brother was having surgery.

I must not be part of this family of his anymore.

Thanks for listening. And yes this is the 96 year old mom that had the
broken hip. She just isn't comfortable being alone much.:grouphug::hug:

Donna

Dear Donna,

i hear you. that really smarts. :(

i certainly understand your feeling upset and somehow "outed." i mean, you are his wife, and it is your brother in law who was so ill. i'd feel like i had a right to know, and it wasn't upheld.

if i may say, all i can think is that your hubby might have felt too scared about it himself, to talk about it. men can get veeerrrry closed up about these things. and depending on how much he knew too. maybe he was doing the ostrich as much as possible... emotional self-preservation.

i don't know if that is any consolation. your feelings are completely natural in this situation. i am so sorry sweetie. :hug::hug::hug: it's out now, and if he doesn't broach it you can talk with him about it. preferably when things are calmer at home. see what happened to BIL, see how hubby was feelign, and, not least, let him know how you felt about not being kept in the loop about it, and perhaps ask him directly to keep you in the loop about these things.

:hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

Thanks Waves


And yes I already knew it was true. He says he heard it about 6 months
ago. In passing and kind of forgot about it. Because his brother was
trying to decide, because he had been told he had 15 years, whether
he had the surgery or not. But that it could be they could get it all or
not.

Its prostate cancer, which is what he has always worried about. But
its been for years that he has been in this thing about having it.

So I know its not about his brother on this. But he has had the test
two or three times now and doesn't have it.

So for now he wont have to worry about taking time off to get the test.


Also in regards to his mother. He is spending the nights from about
6pm to 6am at her house with her. He plans on doing lots of cooking
for her. And will try to have things cooked for people staying with
her to feed her. So its technically not that he wants us to do all the
work.

If he didn't have a job that he could technically lose if he took the time
off. He would probably take the week off and spend it all there with her.
So its okay. We will make it.

I had told him a couple of months ago, that I would help all I could.
But the problem was mainly that I've been asking for weeks. When
do we expect her, and what can I do to help get ready.
Well its always been, I can't remember, I'll call and ask soon.

I would ask if it was okay for me to ask. No I will do it. I think I"ve
got it written down somewhere.

If he would just have let me do some helping with this. He is trying
to do to much.

He took that week off a couple weeks ago. To help our co-owners
with the dollar general job that is not finished on time. That I tried
to tell him not to do. But at least it didn't lose him his job.

Luckily.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Had to add this is for the Lady that when we got married
31years ago. Wouldn't come to our wedding. Didn't talk to
me for almost 7 months. And was really against many things.

SO it was a interesting life for a while. She wasn't a babysitting
grandma. Until my husband, would just take them out to
be there when I was working on Saturdays. To work with him
on the tractor.

So she would take them in and read to them and give them milk
and cookies. Then insist after 6 hours that he should take them
home.


And years later, she took my side in a fight. About the boys.
And he got off the phone, and wanted to know what I had done to
his mother. Because she had just completely taken my side of our fight.
And also told him. He should not only listen to me, but treat me better.

I told him, she was a woman. And we think alike was all. And she had
raised three boys. And so far I was two.


But then years later, I was the one that lived the closest to go out when we
couldn't reach her on the phone. Or she was not feeling well.
And we were getting a little closer.

Donna:grouphug:

Well the house finally has water, and is ready for her.

So because she wanted to come tonight. He went and got her.

I am hoping since he didn't say anything, he is off tomorrow.

He was supposed to take the day off, because its his birthday.

Derrick is playing at the Purdue game tomorrow night. So I wasn't
available to help more than half the day.:grouphug:

Donna

Dear Donna,

You sound better in the more recent posts. Now that she is home with you your husband can focus a bit better.

Would it help you to tape a big schedule / sigh up sheet of who is covering what days and nights and MORE IMPORTANTLY who is not? (It needs to be made clear what days you are not available.

The sign up sheet / calendar that you create will make you feel better because you will have an idea of who is covering the time.

People have to communicate on the paper / poster / calendar / bullentin board.

I hope that you are doing ok. :hug: :hug: :hug:

M

I'm doing fine. I am not that stressed with her next door.

I'm only really worried about one more day. That is the day
I go to kokomo to my mom's for our christmas. And right now
he is depending on my daughter in law, that we technically
can't depend on to show up.

But I will work on that later. If she is still saying and sounding
sick. I will make a couple of calls and see if I can find someone
else.

We aren't planning to leave till around 2pm here at my house anyway.

The party at my moms is to start around 2pm but no one is ever on
time. And I was originally going to try and wait on Devin because
we have to take two vehicles. But he can't get home till 3:30pm.
So we probably wont wait. And we will just play it by ear.

But if things go wrong I just need to locate some help for the afternoon,
I can do the morning.

I am not beyond, calling him and saying, Jessica isn't coming.
I am leaving at 2pm, and your mother wont have anyone, at noon.

So he can leave work a couple of hours early.

Donna:grouphug:

Donna,
This sounds like a good plan. How much care does she need? Are you cooking? Is she mobile?

M

We will cook. And she really needs very little care.

Mainly company, and someone around so that she doesn't fall.
Or if she does she gets help.

But she is pretty good on her walker and feet. I'm not sure
if she uses her walker now. For much,

When she is at my B-I-L,s he leaves for a couple of hours a couple
of days a week I think. So I don't think it would matter.

Other than she doesn't have a phone, so we will see.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Dear Donna,

She has made a good recovery. In a way, you and she are a team right now. You both want the same thing. She can't be alone completely for too long and you are arranging coverage for her.

Does she normally use a phone?

M

Dear Donna,

it sounds like the arrangements are going to work out fine. That was a neat story about how you two grew close, from very far apart. I hope everything your M-I-L and you enjoy your time together, along with the rest of the family of course.

:hug:

~ waves ~

Yes she has used a phone in the past. She is going to miss her phone
this time. My husband thought he would take over one of our wireless
ones. But I really do not think it will work over there.

But she can use our cell phones if necessary.

She has many that have been asking about her that live in our town.
Its just too bad we weren't allowed to tell them she would be here. That
was my husbands fault. Ugh.

But to top it all off, my husband just informed me, he didn't realize
we had all been invited to my daughter-in-law Sabrina's for Christmas
dinner. Instead of us cooking it this year. I sat here and listened to
her invite him. And he told her that he would have to see what his
mom decided to do. But either way, he would get some of the food,
for them.

Ugh, he just doesn't listen. We are not cleaning this house to have
it here. Period.

Donna:grouphug:

Donna,

You have a good arrangements: no cleaning for people and no cooking at your house.

Keep holding on. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Mari

I am not doing it. He always gets really upset and over excited
cleaning before. Because he waits till the day before.

But this year he will be with his mom that day. So how the heck
did he think it was going to work. I think he thought I could do
all the cleaning getting the house ready.

I have been telling him for months I can't do the cleaning like
I could. But he can't seem to see or hear me.

But I knew they wouldn't be able to afford the food on their own. So I told
her in the beginning, when she offord if Devin was okay with it. That we
would buy the food.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear Donna,

You have good plans. He will have to follow along with you.

Good luck with all of this. 'Sending you lots of hugs.


M

Updating

I went with Sabrina to get the gifts and food.

Wow, the church that got her family gifts really did it good.
We have no clue what all they got. Its all gift wraped and beautiful.
There are boxes and boxes of it. It was nice to here her telling Devin
the kids would have the best christmas they ever had.

That there was more stuff this year than before. She just hasn't
ever had as much. And was feeling loved. But I think when she
realized, First her oldest Jazmin, was included. And I thought
she was going to cry. Then she saw a package or box with Devin's
name. And realized the adults were taken care of too. Or I hope
she did.

Heehee.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Dear Donna,

That was a sweet Christmas story.

Also, you are a great M-I-L to Sabrina.


Mari

Dear Donna
 

http://bestsmileys.com/christmas2/25.gif

Dear Donna,

I hope that things are going well for you and your family today.

M

Yes Donna,

i hope that everything is going smoothly for you and your family, and that you are able to relax some amidst the bustle of preparations. (((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Yes everything is going great. Have been to lunch with Sabrina and Devin.
And there family Jazmin, Deana, Adara, Will.


They had a great christmas, and we had a great lunch. They had fun.

We gave Dale one of the gifts he gave Dale years ago, that he kept
saying he would play with Derrick with.

So it was a laugh.

Danny and Ethan went to see Grandma, and us. So they and Jessica
will probably be by tonight to get there presents.

Donna:grouphug:

Hi, Donna,

'Hoping things are going well for you and your family. :grouphug:

M

Things are great. Other than we got snow. And I am kind of worried
about going to kokomo on Thursday. Also realised I haven't been
taking my iron like I should.

So I took some tonight, hopefully that will help. Need to find some
multi-vitamin I can swallow next. But that has been problems, and
calcium. The last wouldn't go down.

So we will see.

Also the confusion is much better. Even though the celexa is supposed
to take 6 weeks to see a change. I think its helpings. The gabapentin,
upping helped a lot with the pain from the fibro.:grouphug::hug:

Donna:grouphug::hug:

hi donna, they make chewable multivitamins.

Dear Donna,

That's great that you are benefiting from the gabapentin and celexa. :grouphug:


M

Ugh, sometimes I think All I am to Sabrina is a money bank.

Her money card wouldn't work. So she asked me for the $40.00
she spent for pizza. I don't get why she is asking me instead of
Devin. I have to start putting my foot down. I'm supposed to
get it back tomorrow. I need to I can't afford to keep loaning all
the money. We will see, but I have to stop loaning, period.

Anyway, I am taking 2 grandchildren, Will and Adara, and maybe
Jazmin to Kokomo. If Danny got a vacation day (My Oldest Son) he
and hopefully his son Ethan are going. Deana has a field trip that
I didn't now about so Sabrina isn't going.

Ugh, I hate going that far by myself, but she wouldn't give me days
not available probably just for that reason. Anyway,

I have Adara, for the first time ever spending the night tonight. I
thought it would help her go with me tomorrow. She really wants
to stay home with her other grandma. But I can bring her back to
her. So she can do both in the end.

Donna:grouphug:

I've spent the last two days at my M-I-L's and will get up tomorrow
morning and introduce the lady that is staying with her. I'm not too
happy my husband chose to do it this way. He should have already
introduced Susie to his mother. It shouldn't have to fall on me.

But I will do it. Then we will see if I have to take over again on Friday,
or if my other D-I-L does it Jessica. I'm not depending on her. She just
is always sick or something.

Luckily I have Derrick's help.:grouphug:

Donna:hug:

Haha ! I love Derrick's help !!!! I need him too !!! please send him here sometime !!! aw, he would help me lots at the lab !!! Just imagine !!! how awesome would that be ??? :hug: Lucky you for having him by your side.

I bet you are a great grandma Donna !!!

How is the snow ??

Keep having great days !! I would love to visit kokomo !!!!!!!! Take me ! *cries*

Majo

You are a pleasure to read today. I had the bad news to hear my
youngest grandson is sick this morning. And Danny can't get off.

But this son of mine has changed so much, he plans to call his
grandmother today or tomorrow.

I wish I'd known the place they work was going to be closed both
last monday and next. I'm guessing on that one.

I'd have asked my mom to do either of those.

But they weren't part of the choices.

Oh well its life.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Hi Dmom
 

you have gone above the call of duty. I so hope you get the help from your husband and family. No person should have to carry the load by themselves. I hope your family communicates better to you, so that you can make plans to help out everyone. Families can be so hard to deal with, The stress of cancer with your husband is reason enough. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope the visit turns out to be a good one. ginnie

Hi Ginnie

My husband has been doing as much as he can with also working. He has
been doing weekends, and nights.

I had a great time today, and tonight. And my granddaughter is spending
the night again. Since Will got sick and didn't get to go either way.

And I didn't think Adara should be home getting sick either.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Forgot to tell everyone

That our friend who stayed with Mother in law was a godsend.
In her own way. I have a hard time reading to her, because
its just very hard for me to read out loud. And I mess up
words, when I'm trying to do them that way.

But when I checked in at 1:30pm before leaving, she was reading
her bible to her. Which is something she really loves.

And they had gotten along very well, from what Dale said.

And then today it seems Jessica has forgotten, or which is probably
more the answer. Dale thinks he told her and he didn't. She was
to stay with her. But she is supposed to take her mother to the
hospital sometime today.

But instead of just depending on me. As I had already told him he
could. I think he forgot.

He asked that she check in and get her breakfast ready. And then
she could leave for a while at around 11am or so. And then
asked his cousin Monty who is almost 80 I believe to check in around
11am too.

Wow, finally he didn't just call me at almost 10 or 11pm or say
at 5am. Jessica can't do it today so you are.

He does thing of others at times. Or he just wasn't going to worry all night.
He didn't even try calling me.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Today's news

First last night, I get asked what I have planned for today.

I just knew what was coming. So I wouldn't tell him. Then
I kept saying you can tell me what you need or want first.

Then we will see. I had planned to go to town, and spend some
well earned time enjoying the day. But he wanted to go work
at the Dollar General our co-owners are working on. Well gosh,
your the one that said, I will spend all weekend's with my mom.

Then you don't want to. SO I have been over there most of the
day. Of course, I did throw my fit first. heehee

Then I also get a call from Sabrina today, she needs someone to
watch Will for a while, so Derrick helped out for a while, then I
came and took over for a couple of hours. She was helping her
mother out. Who is taking care of both her parents.

Well gosh, her mother has to remember to come back, its been 5
hours and I'm not sure she is back yet. Ugh I feel for her.
But I took Will to her so I could fix lunch at 3:30pm.

Then its Derrick getting ready for his New Years Eve party.

So my husband, who is supposed to be bringing home supper. But
I bet they are closed when he tries. So I am the loser. But that
is life.

It was Kentucky Fried Chicken. Maybe another day if not.

Donna

Ps. I will be home tomorrow, they never work on Sunday's it seems. Now
just wait they will try. Since, I'm not wanting to spend all day over there
again.:grouphug:

Dear Donna,

I hope you get to stay home today.

How is you weather? I saw that some parts of the country have severe weather alerts because of winds.

M

I stayed home today.

And its been very windy here. Also kind of cool. I haven't had on a channel
to hear the news. So if there are weather alerts I missed them.


We lost our electricity for a while. And my house was so weird, good thing
I was here. Or we might have been buying a new heater this week.

Somehow things were half running and not.

SO we had some things making noise trying to run, when they weren't
even on. And somethings like tv's that wouldn't work.

Donna:grouphug:

glad that you were there donna!
sorry that you lost power...
bizi

Oh I'm glad I was here too.

I plan to spend tomorrow taking Derrick to the movies.

I would have had a hard time doing that if we had house
problems.

My M-I-L is going back to B-I-L's for now tomorrow afternoon.

But I believe she will want to return at least part of the time in
say March or April on. Which is fine, I just want us to be able
to make the arrangements.

Its possible, just need time.

Donna:grouphug: