Mother of attempted
 

My 18 year old daughter attempted to commit suicide a couple weeks ago. She was 800 miles away at college when I got the call. I called a family member to go be with her until we could get there.

She is doing ok right now and says it was a stupid thing to do and is looking forward to next semester although she is in counseling and on a med. We moved her out of her dorm to live with a family member for many reasons and I do feel better about that. We are trying to simplify things for her so she doesn't get so stressed.

This has been so stressful and upsetting to find out that she was feeling so bad about things that she thought that was the only thing she could do. She had an appointment with a counselor for the next day. She is thinking more clearly and clearly loving life and so glad to be here so that is all a good sign. I keep thinking about what could have been. We could have lost her and never known what was going on with her.

I've been looking for a place to get my feelings out about this and found this site. Thanks for listening.

It's very nice to meet you although I'm so sorry it's under such stressful circumstances. 18. Such a vunerable age really. I remember how difficult 18 was for me. You've come to the right place. I'm sorry I can't say much more right now but will when I have more time. Just wanted to welcome you here for now.

I am so glad she failed in her attempt..it truly was a call for help and your response was just what she needed. So often those attempts aren't really wanting to die, just wanting our life's circumstances to ease up.

I'm glad you are talking here..great place to find support. May I recommend an excellent book. Suicide, The Forever Decision It's a small paperback book, written for those who have attempted suicide and those who want to help them. :grouphug:

My daughter is 19 and a freshman in college as well.... i know how stressful life is for her right now. Like Alffe said i doubt she really wanted to die, she just needed her stress level to ease up. Keep us informed of how shes doing.... :hug:

Hello Princess61

Welcome to the friendliest place in cyber land......

Teenage years:eek:..........are totally stressful i so empathize with you my sons are now one month off 18, and 20 years old........

the mind at that age is a mind field of emotion and
mis-understanding......Confusion is a middle name........

your daughter has a wonderful mother and both family and professional support around i am forever hopeful..........this experience will be overcome by all. [one day-at-a-time]

David

Hello princess
 

I want to welcome you to Neuro Talk. There are alot of compassionate people on this forum. Please feel free to talk to any of us. There are folks here who have had issues like this in their families too. I am glad your daughter received help right away. I hope in continued therapy she can resume her active good life in college. Wishing you both the best. ginnie

Thank you all, for your encouraging words. She is doing better. Along with this we are trying to figure out how much do we hover how much space we give her. It's hard to know. Since we are so far away we have to rely on the family member to let us know how she is doing. Apparently she's been depressed for quite a while and we did have her get some counseling last year mainly for some anxiety it turns out that she never told her counselor that she was depressed. She covered up everything and even when she was home over the holidays she seemed perfectly just fine. Now I worry about upsetting her by calling or texting too much.

I'm a mother of two a little older than your daughter and they're students too and they're not living near me either. It's difficult!

Is there any way you can go visit her?

The problem with distance is that you can't see her face to face. You can't read her face and see how she is really doing. It's a dilemma really. Do we hover? Do we give space?

Under your circumstances, and if I was physically and financially able to do so, I'd go visit even just for a weekend to see how she's really doing.

As she is depressed she may be purposefully shutting you out, but if you allow her to shut you out then it will become more difficult in the days and months and years to come to get back that real connection. She's maybe not just shutting you out, but all those close to her? I don't know. That's a huge warning sign to me that things are not right with my two... when they shut down communication for whatever reason.

Not sure if any of that will make sense to you, but it's a situation I think more parents than not go through at some time with their children. I don't mean the attempted suicide, I mean the distance. Not just in miles but emotionally as well.

Random texts like.........

thinking of you

always in my thoughts

yell out if you need me

no message over than, I miss & love you millions



the above texts do help

you may not get an immediate reply...
but the words sow seeds into the receivers mind...that you care.[in time the seeds flower]

they are open words....you want nothing in return from the receiver.

David

Princess, I'm so sorry this happened. The distance does make it more difficult. I like both Lara and David's suggestions. I'd go visit her. And those texts are a good idea too. I think she needs to know how much you care for and love her. Luckily, I'm near my daughter and she went through a horrible episode a year or more ago. And she didn't want to talk about it. But I let her know over and over how much I loved her and wanted to help her. I was able to get her to 'confess' to what was going on and coaxed her into going to a good therapist.

Thank goodness it helped. I tell her every day that I love her. :hug:

Great suggestions - thank you! I do text every day but sometimes get frustrated that I don't get one back and I have to let that go. You are right - just knowing that I told her I loved her and that she read it is enough. I did tell her that my husband that I wanted us to go up every 6 weeks or so and have more of a presence and stay connected. I think I've convinced him that this is a good thing. We've got a bunch of frequent flyer miles so that isn't an issue for us. We were just so much trying to give her space and she did keep pulling away. I asked her if this fall was she pulling away and she said yes. So we have a new start and hopefully we can stay connected.

She had her first counselor visit today and really liked the counselor! We asked her how often she'd be going and she said the counselor said she couldn't make her do anything but our daughter chose to go once a week. We had told her that as far as insurance or money went we'd support her going two times a week if that's what she wanted.

We just talked to her and she seems/sounds really happy and the family member said she is very happy also. I just want her to say if I ask her "uh, I'm not having a good day" if that is the case. She thinks that it was a weakness to get help or ask for help. I shared with her after this happened that I have been in counseling several times and on depression and anxiety medication and that is is ok to take medication. She is doing that and says that after the first week it seems to be starting to help her feel a little better. So, things are looking better.

Thank you all for your support - I felt such a relief once I wrote my first post. Like I finally was in a place that was filled with support and I was right! Thank you for the good ideas!

princess61

Here is on final tactic..............when you do eventually have the face to face talk with your Daughter........just listen to understand................[listen-----------say nothing just absorb,,,the words.........see and feel her emotions,,,,,,,and....take time to reflect............offer no opinion or advice at the time of this conversation................

The day after convey to her you heard her thoughts ..saw her feelings..........understood her turmoil....

and suggest you as Mother and Daughter share a special word...........A trigger word..........a word your daughter chooses that she can say at any second or minuet or hour of the day.............that will stop you in your tracks and make you listen to understand................its an emergency word..that gets her to talk to a true and meaningful person....who agrees to hear her in the moment [should it ever arise]...with calm and non judgmentally...........to help her through that moment


this is hard ...............[as a support worker]...........it will be even harder for you as a Mother..........but if she agrees......you must abide by the rule...............
let her talk.you listen...[shushhhhh]....................
get through the moment of pressure........then be her mum when she is safe,,,,,,,,,,,

David

great advice DMACK! Made me search for Just Listen and will copy and paste it again. :grouphug:

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I
shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do
something to solve my problems,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked, was that you listen,
not to talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both
Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to
do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what
I feel, not matter how irrational, then I quit trying to
convince you and can get about the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I
don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's
behind them. Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for
some people because God is mute, and he doesn't give advice or
try to fix things. "They" just listen and let you work it out
for yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me. If you want to talk, wait a
minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.

Anonymous
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