need help. thinking of suicide
 

After a life that's been good and bad I feel like I'm done trying. I am 35 and have 2 daughters 14 and 2. I am very close to my family and I love my 2 girls with all my heart. I just feel dead inside and I'm tired of acting like everything is ok.

I hear you and feel for you. For the love of those girls, please don't take your life...it's a terrible legacy to leave behind for the people who love and need you in their lives. Please read my signature line and keep talking to us. :hug:

You spoke to me on the other post. I just feel like they'll understand. My life has been so hard for so long. I am so unhappy.

Hello Justtired and welcome to SOS, im sad your present feelings bring you here but......promise you will stay around for the next 50 years or so.....

your cyber name explains your feelings.........very well.........

So the clue is there

1. tired.

.....more like exhausted.....depression is just that exhausting..........

rest my friend is the most important thing required

don't think ...just rest

and don't act or pretend that all is ok.....tell people it is not ok............by talking you help the healing to begin.

Please dont put your family through the misery of suicide.......[i tried and regret it so much............it affects so many people]

please keep TALKING

David

I'm just tired of life. I grew up in a loving family. I had a happy childhood. I have many friends and I have my kids. When I was about 22 I was attacked and my teeth were damaged and a metal plate was put in my face so I don't feel attractive anymore. Thishasaffected my relationships since. I was arrested and charged with a felony assault for punching a guy once who threatened my life. I dropped out of college to help a past girlfriend of mineget through college and when she did she dumped me. My closest person to me was my mother who just recently passed away. I can't find work to provide for my daughters. I'm just tired of life at this point.

Ohh. I recently found out I may have some serious health problems and my girlfriend and babys mother just broke up with me.

You have a lot on your plate justtired and I'm sorry you lost your mother recently..that's a tough one. :hug: And job hunting in this economy is surely depressing. Trust me when I tell you that your daughters will not understand. My only son killed himself 22 years ago this month and it changed our family forever. The overwhelming guilt for his action practically killed me too. It took me years to accept what he did and to forgive him.

Circumstances can change...but suicide is a forever decision. I'm glad you are talking here...people cannot help you if they don't know how you feel...pretending to be fine when you aren't is a bad idea. :grouphug:

I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to find a reason. I'm so sad right now. I just don't know what else to do. I love both my daughters but I didn't find out about the first one till she was 9. My other baby is my heart but it kills me her mother won't let me be a family and be there to raise her. I feel alone and just wish my mom was still here. I don't want to try anymore. I just want to stop hurting.

Did you read my signature? http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
Also stickied at the top of the forum are Pters words..such a wise man. http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread5351.html
He fought depression his whole life and shared what worked for him.

I understand that you want the pain to end...but killing yourself would ruin the lives of the people who love you. Please hang tough and hold on to hope. Things change given time. :grouphug:

You're not alone in feeling tired, my friend. I've been depressed for longer then I can remember, and there is exactly one reason why I'm still going; so my dad won't have to feel the pain of losing a loved one to suicide. You have two beautiful daughters, and you've got to do your best to stick around for their sake. It's hard enough for a two year old to understand death, you don't want to force her to wonder why her daddy chose to leave her. I know that it doesn't make life any easier, but if you choose to live to spare your daughters a lot of pain, at least you will have a reason to keep on plugging along.

Are you taking antidepressants, or do you have a theripist? Those two things can go a long way in helping you get your life back in order.

No, not taking any meds. I just think if I write her a note explaining she'll understand when she's over. I wake up and cry. My friends come see me and I'm like a zombie. I hate pretending everything is ok. It's not.

I'm trying.

She won't understand. When our son Michael killed himself he left behind an 8 yr old son who is now 30, a father himself, and he still doesn't understand how his dad could have done that to him, if he loved him as he claimed to, how could he have chosen to die.

It takes tremendous courage to face each new challenge when the monster depression is on your back...we talk about that black hole but I know that there are sides to that hole and you aren't alone. :grouphug:

hello just tired
 

I am sorry you are so sad. I know that life sometimes hands you lemons, and that a person can't always make a sweet lemonade out it. You did find a good place here. This site just isn't for medical, but for the spirit. Please come back and let us talk to you. Be free to say what is in your mind and heart. We will listen here, and try to help. There are times when a person is tired, but your kids need you, and doing that act, would hurt them for the rest of their lives. There are ways out of emotional pain. There is help if you would just reach out for it. This site, will be here for you, anytime you need to talk. I will be here for you too. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Don't give up, rest, be good to yourself. ginnie

Not taking meds or seeing anyone. Don't have the $ for that. I'm trying but its getting harder.

Taking a walk trying to see beauty in life.

Re: a direction Just tired
 

Hello once again. I know you said there is no $ for council. I do have an idea that I did for myself when I was in the same situation. Most communities have a women's resource center that does help people to find direction with regardless of income. It may be worth your time to see if there is one in your community. I wish you all the best. ginnie

Justtired
 

I think Ginnie has a good idea. How was your walk?

Justtired
 

I'm sure there are mens' resource centers too. Maybe in the yellow pages under mental health. In my town there is one that only charges what you can afford to pay.

Walk is useless. Just keep thinking bad thoughts. I hate this.

Please call a friend to come spend some time with you. Don't spend any more time alone if you are all alone there.

Please call a counsellor or your family doctor.

Urgently.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread4982.html

**************

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjJ2gKcO71M

********************

I'm at a friends now but its so fake me sitting here like nothing is wrong.

I'm glad you are with someone.

justtired, if they're a true friend, you don't need to fake it. They must be able to pick up on your feelings. Just tell them you're not OK. Men find it very difficult to open up about their feelings esp. these types of feelings. (not being sexist, it's just the way it is). If you're with a mate/male friend then it certainly would be difficult, but you need to tell someone you trust how bad things are going.

I've told babys mom. She doesn't care. Don't feel like I can tell anyone else. I just want this to end already. I want to be at peace.

Re: another distraction
 

30 years ago when I was coming home from Mayo clinic with a bad diaganosis, I stopped at a rest area. I was unable to stop my tears, My eyes were red, it had been -27, I was sick. There was a book stand and I picked up the book "Ann Macathrey The White Dragon" I had never read for pleasure before, really had no interest except my own misery and depression. well I read the book all the way home, and my tears dried up, my nose stopped running, and I had forgotten all my sorrow. I was transported to the land of Pern, which is far better than the one I was currently living in, and to top it off I was riding a white dragon. Since that time I have escaped many times through reading. It gets you away from your heartache even if it is temporary. I had not been interested in reading before that time, I never sat down long enough to do it, and in college it was forced reading.
Right now, I have alot of medical issues too, emotional problems, and when I am finished this a.m. I am going back to bed with my current read. "The Night Circus" I will be lost in it for hours, and my pain will be reduced for that space of time. It is just an idea, a way for your to remove your mind from the pain. I hope you give this try, and see if it will work for you. I wish you all the best. ginnie

How are you doing there today, justtired?

ginnie, thanks for that reminder. When I'm feeling very low, I tend to get out in the garden. Force myself at tiimes. It does help.

Hi lara
 

I get out in the garden too! This afternoon when it is nice, I will plop down on my butt, and groom a small areaca palm. It will be almost 80 and I would be a fool just to sit inside and sulk. I can also bring my book outside, just to have the blessed sun. I hope your day goes OK too lara, beating off the depression can take alot of work! ginnie

Doing better today but not by much. Just laying in bed.

Hi just tired
 

Get out of bed if you can. Take some deep breaths and come back here to talk. Engage your mind and your heart. Shutting down will only bring you down further. I am depressed today too. In fact not happy at all. I am waiting on pins and needles for a biopsy report. I could sure use someone to talk to to. That is why I come here, because I do get help and so can you. ginnie

Hi justtired! man... sorry you are where you're at in your life... but very lucky that you found this forum!

you are NOT alone.... because you are HERE interacting with people from all over this globe - pretty freaking amazing, eh?!!! (I'm Canadian)

You have had some pretty awesome help here already - and I'm going to echo their words - GET YOURSELF TO THE DOCTOR!!!! Tell them you are suicidal. THEY WILL HELP YOU!

It takes a lot of courage and I know what we have all suggested seems impossible and overwhelming and difficult... but that's because ....

Your brain is tricking you right now because so many things have happened to you ... you are overwhelmed with pain and sadness and hopelessness....

Please stop rationalizing the irrational!

Baby steps... talking here with us is a huge step... but I know, personally, that sticking it all out is worth it.

Please start researching how you can see a doctor who will help you.

As our friend David always says: YOU are worth it!

I know you're tired... but you can do it! :hug: Addy

Just-tired

a song just for you........[you will soon gather i like music to convey subliminal messages lol]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoAPC...667AF4F7B31473

because you are WORTH IT.............[ARISE...................JUSTTIRED]

David

Hi dmack
 

I had to listen too. Depression does make you feel dead inside. Maybe this site helps us to come back to life. ginnie

Still here guys. Just working on keeping my mind busy. Got ultrasound on abdomen today. Hope all goes well. Can't take anymore bad news.

Hi just tired
 

We are still here for you anytime. I hope that what is wrong can be found with the ultra sound. Hopefully there will show no big problem. You don't need any more bad, I sure do understand that. How are you today? You can tell alot of us here are listening to you, and care about you. Be good to yourself today. I also hope you like sport and could maybe enjoy the superbowl tomorrow. take care....ginnie:hug:

Justtired, I know that you are depressed and, while I can't say that I know exactly how you're feeling, I can say that I know what real depression is and how it's been a monster in my life. I hope that you will listen to my story and find that you aren't alone.

Last summer I was attacked and I can count on one hand the people who knew it...and, to this day, know it. It was particularly brutal and I was beaten before, during and after. I feel extremely lucky to be alive today. Yes, I'd thought I always wanted to die...and easily could have at that time. Long story short, I chose to talk to someone and she prescribed an antidepressant and, wonder of wonders, it did work. I got to be myself again....still reeling from everything that had happened, but I was able to deal with it at that point. I can count on one hand the people who knew it had happened; I guess that, by reading this now, a lot of people will know it, and that's okay if it helps you to understand that you are not alone in your sadness and in the feeling that you want to die. I did, too, until I was faced with that very real possibility at the hands of someone else. And then I fought like crazy!

I'm also fighting a terminal illness....and I'd run from that for a long time, too. It seemed that, when my husband and I found out that it was terminal, we denied it for so long and 'swept it under the rug' that we were, somehow, able to pretend that it didn't exist...until the symptoms became so obvious that we're now unable to ignore them. And now I live to prove that I can, in spite of what so many 'second opinions' have agreed on.

You are so wrong when you say that your children will understand if you commit suicide. I don't mean to be brash....but they most definitely will NOT understand. My mother died when I was a teenager (due to illness) and there's still not a day when I don't cry for her. I'm not angry with her for leaving...she had no part in that...she had cancer. But there are so many times when I just want her to be here. When I was in high school, when I was married, when I had our son, our grandchildren, etc. and no amount of understanding that she was fighting an illness that she couldn't win can take away that pain of not having her here with me. Of sharing those times with us.

Your children are young and, despite your feelings of sadness, you do owe it to them to see them through their childhood....and as long as you can possibly be here, you must be. I know it's hard, believe me, I truly do understand that. Somtimes it feels as if the weight of the world is on our shoulders....and depression does that to us. It makes us feel that we aren't able to function...but we have to do everything possible in order to take that first step. Don't give in to it. Children learn by example and they love you...you ARE their example. They take their clues in life from you, whether you realize it or not.

You've probably realized that we're really a caring bunch of people and we begin to care about someone really quickly. I haven't meant to come off as confrontational just in case you feel that I have....actually, I'm usually the quietest one here! But I know that you're in real pain....and I know that your children need you...they need ALL of you. Please do what you can do to be there for them....and for yourself. I really care about you!

Re: thank you
 

God bless you hippie chick. You too will be in my prayers. Your post touched me deeply, and I will not forget you, or this other hurting soul right here. Thank you for giving her or him, such heart felt compassion. We need each other here. You will be in my heart too. ginnie

hippiechick...you may be the quietest one here but when you post...when you share...you go right to the core of it. thank you. :hug:

justtired, I hope the ultrasound is ok. Hang tough. :grouphug::grouphug:

Hippiechick thank you for sharing your story with those of us who feel there is no way out. You give hope to the hopeless. I'm proud to know you.

(((justtired))) I too always have that feeling of just being tired. Depression has shadowed me my entire life.

I can't express how important I think it is for you to be taking an antidepressant or whatever med to help you, as well as shopping for a GOOD therapist. And I agree with a former post, just go to a doctor or local mental health clinic and tell them...."I need help. I am suicidal."

I did exactly that one day long ago. As I was driving down the road and calmly planning my suicide...suddenly my daughter popped into the middle of the thought. I was mortified that I could think of 'offing' myself and leaving that precious child behind. I drove straight to a mental health clinic and by the time I got there I was completely and utterly at the bottom. I actually slid down a wall at the reception desk and said, "Help me please." (I couldn't even stand on my own when I got there...that's how 'tired' I was.)

And they did. Immediately. Luckily, they hooked me up with a therapist I still see to this day...for needed tuneups. I know...a good therapist can be hard to find but they are out there. I'm lucky in that I didn't need to 'shop' for a good one. Can you ask around to find out who is a good therapist in your area?"

Everyone here is right. Your children would NOT understand. And besides that, you need to get healthy for yourself. Depression is a monster and sucks the life out of you.

I'd like to suggest a book. Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. I know, I know!...reading is difficult when you are in a depressive state, but at this point I think you need to seek help wherever you can find it.

I sure hope your test came out okay. Let us know, okay? :grouphug: