feeling melancholy and forlorn
 

i have been feeling melancholy.

something started it though. it isn't "depression" as such. i sent an email to an old friend. the person replied and... i got an odd feeling from it. maybe i can talk about it later.

since then, this feeling has been brewing. the stress test, with illness and migraines before and following, distracted me for a bit. but now i feel melancholy, forlorn and forgotten, and yes even lonely sometimes. i don't even feel like reaching out much.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

I am sorry. Can you go do something different? . . . perhaps either where it is quiet or where there are people. That does not solve the problem, but it could help temporarily.


M

do you know why you emailed the friend and what you were expecting? did it trigger old emotions? you have been under so much stress and haven't been feeling well on top of it. I am so sorry. you have so many close friends here that care about you. I know the feelings and i hope they pass soon.
love
bobby

(((Mari and Bobby))) thank you both for being here. :heartthrob::circlelove:

Dear Mari

i soooooo don't want to go out, anywhere. i had sort of planned to go out in the snow. a few days ago, they predicted 3 days of snow starting yesterday. it didn't snow. they changed it to 1 day of rain. it barely drizzled. then overnight it snowed. i was all thinking about a nice crunchy walk outside in the glistening white. by morning it was half melted. after lunch it was fully melted leaving only puddles n mud. no crunch no glisten and no white. no soft white piles to poke at, or bristling branches to admire. just wet and cold. talk about doubly uninspired.

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby

i wrote because a couple years back we had corresponded for a while. i had got some pretty long emails... and replied, and then nothing. sent some other short things later, including a birthday note one year. nothing. i know my mail can bounce sometimes without notice but unlikely they all did. i wondered if i was being "dropped" and basically asked if i were still considered a friend... and said i was sad if not... or something.

the reply was overall "cool" in tone, in character with the person. they expressed surprise at my wonderings, saying that i was not specifically being ignored "or anything" and that they just aren't much into talking by email (but, you would not have guessed that from length and detail of the earlier mails! :confused:). so i am at a loss.

oh, one more thing. i was invited to write, and share about my own life. that is positive, and it is not the first time either. i am at a loss about that since i feel like my life is that of a total bum/loser. moreover, i don't feel like pouring out my sorrows or whatever, if this person is not going write me back for 3-4 years. that's not... "correspondence."

so i feel ambivalent... partly reassured and encouraged, but also partly set aside.

i have not written back yet. i am not sure what to write. i might just write that i am not sure what to write / how much.

i have already "sat on this" for almost a month. :o

~ waves ~

i would be upset too because there doesn't sound as if there was any warmth in the correspondence. maybe your friend has gone through changes. i wouldn't expose myself because it doesn't sound as if your friend doesn't have anything to give on the emotional front. it sounds as if you were looking for an emotional connection. maybe if you wrote them and asked what was going on with their life and say you missed corresponding with them or something like that and didn't reveal what was happening in your life.
maybe they would open up and there would be an emotional connection.
it isn't fun being bipolar and so much of the time it is quite painful. i know i disconnect because i don't have anything positive to say at the moment.
love
bobby

Just wanted you to know that I am here, reading sending good thoughts and a hug...you are not alone here, we need you very much. We love you just the way you are.
(((((((HUGS))))))
love bizi:Heart:

dear Waves
 

I just wanted you to know I am thinking about you. I wish there was an easy way to talk to someone who puts you at a distance. I am sure no expert, but maybe tell her your miss that talk, the truth about how you feel. I know that exposes you, and your heart. The worst that could happen is that she may not choose to talk anyway. Maybe it would open the door, I don't know. Often when I find myself in a place of confusion on what to say, I tell the truth about my feelings. I did this just recently, and I was rejected, the woman who I was talking to, cut off all communicaton, and I was devastated. I can at least say, I did all I could, said all I could with honesty and compassion. I gave my best. It is just a thought Waves. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers always. ginnie

Waves

No real clue how to answer. I do now that I had a really good friend
in email and forums, through EFA at one point.

Then one day she just decided she didn't like to talk to me anymore.
But wont still tell me why. She still talks to many of my friends,
and she still comes around in a group we both belong to. But she has
a hard time talking to me.

Its really hard, but I have learned to adjust to her need to leave me
out of her life.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Waves

Sorry my last one didn't really answer yours, its just there is no
answers I don't think. We all have to go through this at times.

I hope you come to a closure.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Dear Donna and Ginnie,

perhaps it would have been better had i not tried to explain about this situation, because there is no way i can. what i posted in answer to Bobby, about the reason for the melancholy, were just tidbits on email - it by far does not capture the big picture.

that makes it rather hard for others to make inferences of any sort. i am not really seeking advice on what to do or what is objectively happening. i guess i feel more desperate for comfort, as i go through a sense of loss and isolation (real or not) and for that, i do appreciate both of you reaching out to me. :hug::hug::hug:

fwiw, i will say my friend did not sound more or less distant than usual. perhaps a little more direct saying they were not ignoring me. that surprised me. the reply surprised me too. i was fearful sending it for fear of not getting anything back.

i will add, too, that this person has had more than their share of hardships, bad depression, and other general life crud that continues to make their life difficult. when one is overwhelmed, i can see dropping the ball on email. i do it myself all too frequently. i've been doing it lately... i'm doing it now... :o:(

~ waves ~

nostalgia for faraway friends / effect of depression on social ties
 

Hi everyone.

so moving along.....

this has got me thinking about how i am losing all my RL friends. i feel like the only way to save the friendships would be yearly visits to the US. if i had anywhere near a normal income, i would do that... in fact, i probably would have transferred back, but that too takes $$$ every thing takes money.... even maintaining friends, it seems :( (even by internet).

But, I digress. One related thought i had...

Early this month, i started feeling like the depression was lifting a bit -more energy, less anxiety. However, still no motivation, much apathy, much guilt and lack of confidence. so, i am somewhat wondering if the depression is still coloring my outlook on many things, not just this situation. it is not hard to project rejection if one already expects it. moodwise, unless i am made to laugh by something specific, inside, i feel sooo sad and small.

ideas? do you think maybe the depression is still undermining my perceptions and focus? yes, no, maybe, any other ideas?

thank you, my friends, for being here with me. :grouphug:

~ waves ~

yes waves I think it is effecting you...sure sounds like it is.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:

I have lots of hugs for you and I would send all the comfort I could.

Feel that we are with you. :grouphug:

Mari

Yes.
 

Waves, :Heart: :Heart: :Heart:
Yes. Depression can color outlook, ability to cope, feelings of worth, . . It is a dark monster with lots of tentacles.

Remember, there is nothing wrong with you except that you have bipolar. Right now you have depression that is saying dispiriting things to your brain.

I send a flower: http://bestsmileys.com/flowers/2.gif

M

Waves

Just hugs, and thoughts.


Today is another day, is all I want to say.:grouphug:

how are you feeling?
love
bobby

waves, I am sorry you are still going thru a tough time...And yes, it sounds to me that depression is certainly coloring your feelings/perception of things and events. :hug: Sounds like you are having a difficult time working thru it all. You are certainly not as you describe yourself [my life is that of a total bum/loser], you have a great deal to offer, and you have helped out more than a few folks here on this board with your thoughtful and sage advice. As far as your 'snow disappointment' goes, so far this winter, I have been disappointed time after time myself... :( . Oh, how I would LOVE one good snowfall. I would love to see our property covered in a thick blanket of snow, but it just seems that Mother Nature has other ideas :(. Then, of course, there's the fact that we went a bought a brand new, two stage snow thrower, and it still sits in the box...We could've spent that money for many other things that we could actually be USING :rolleyes: . I really dislike rainy days in the winter, and that's all we've had so far....

About your firend, I've had similar situations many times, and sometimes it just seems that you grow apart, don't have much in common anymore, and it's hard to base a friendship solely on past experiences, at least that's been my feelings on the matter.

I hope that you can figure out the best way for you to proceed. Sometimes, doing nothing makes the most sense, unfortunately.

Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the right decision for YOU!

XOXO {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Dear Waves,
:heartthrob:
I am hopping that you can pull through this bad spot and get to a better spot.

M

Dear Bobby...

i am still feeling yucko. you were right too, before when you said about withdrawing because you don't feel you have anything positive to say. whenever i think about trying to get back in touch with someone i haven't heard from in a long while, the last thing i want to do is report that i'm unemployed and ill. :( and i decide to wait till i'm in a "better place" which this past decade hasn't been often. i swear most of the times i have taken initiative to socialize here, i was manic. that doesn't help either because in certain cases it "confuses" the relationship.... erhmmm.

i think i gained a couple of pounds. and no zyprexa this time. not sure what it is. maybe the season. i hate scales. don't you hate scales? :rolleyes::cool:

love

~ waves ~

Dear Jacquie,

thank you for your feedback, as well as all your kind words and reminders that i'm not worthless.

as for my friend i will write back... not sure what yet... will play it by ear. right now, i am sort of blocked... i can't seem to write ANY email right now... it's ok, if things are really ok with us, he will understand. if i keep feeling blocked i might just send a short note saying i'm not well and misunderstood things, and will write again.

he is one of the few people ever in my life i could be in the same room with, and not feel alone, but not have to talk. not to say we didn't ever talk, but comfort in silence is rare and precious. perhaps to him it was commonplace, now that i don't know. anyway, it might not matter that it has been years since we last emailed. it had been years before the last exchange. in that sense my depression may be making a mountain out of a molehill.

there is truth in that i am losing a lot of friendships. that is because of the distance, and it can't be helped. i am going to have to swallow that. there are a handful of people i never want to lose touch with, is all.

my friendships here have gone to Hades in a handbasket also... decline pretty much started when i left work. and these were "less close" friends than those back in the US, so... not as tight... easier to lose even if more accessible.

-----------------

well guess what, it is finally snowing for real! lightly, but constantly, and its dry stuff. yesterday it half melted even though they keep promising polar temps in the night, yearright. it is still snowing and there is a thicker layer down today... hoping the temps will stay down enough to preserve it.

snow is fun (unless travelling).
slush is gross (especially when travelling on foot)!

here's wishing you guys a nice sprinkling of snow before the season's out also!!! :)

~ waves ~

thank you Mari. :hug::hug::hug: :)

i am thinking of trying to move forward on certain fronts... being a bit stronger, in some ways, capitalize on those before another dive into total despair. shift focus from the social stuff ... not useful right now, especially since money plays. refocus on training/earning.

The Zoloft has helped enough on some fronts anyway, that now it is my turn to try to help it help me more, and create a virtuous cycle out of this bad spot.

~ waves ~

Always here, if, you need to talk!............................................. .
 

Waves ,

Phyllis :You-Rock::Heart::hug:

Dear Phyllis

thank you!!! :) so do you!

(((:heartthrob: hugs :heartthrob:)))

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
'Wishing you the right amount of the right amount of snow today.
I have a friend from second grade who broke up with me about 7 years ago. I was in her city and wanted to see her while I was there. She said no. I was sad.

Within the past two years perhaps she wrote to me with a friendly update letter. She asked how I was doing. I could not say much except I did not feel like writing. I felt horrible about that but I could not pull together even a short friendly update: Work was really bad. I was not sleeping. I was depressed. Hubby and I are together and that is about it. Even if I did have the strength to write that out, I did not feel like being private with her.
I think that I will reconnect again with her at some other point in our lives.



I am not comparing my situation to yours. I recognize that the two are different.

M

it is very good to hear from you. i worry. yes i hate scales when they don't go in the down direction. i can almost magically know what they will say now.
with my friend who lost her husband i try so hard not to talk about myself and just ask about her. i wonder if you can do that in an email. it is a way of staying in touch and avoiding the painful stuff. a friend of mine constantly sends me adorable and precious animal pictures. they make me feel so good temporarilly. i smile so much. I can write back how much i enjoy them. I want to hear from you and everything that troubles you and brings you ease. it is so very hard to be bipolar and i think only a bipolar or one who has been very close to a bipolar can understand the life of the bipolar. we have to protect ourselves in any way we can. if we don't think we are going to get a positive response from a person, we have to hold back or find another way to maintain some kind of relationship. does your friend know you are bipolar?
I am sorry you gained a couple of pounds. did you hear that a dr now said that sugar is poison and he is putting it along side alcohol and tobacco.?
eating is one way for me to escape anxiety. smoking was another way. being manic was another way. what if you kept a journal with pictures? do you think it would be too much of a hassle or too painful? it would be for me.
i love you
bobby

Waves,
Yes, any movement forward get help spur you out of the cycle. Any small movement today and then tomorrow (however small) could help with mood.

M

Sending some hugs.

Donna

I just sent a letter to someone that I had let go of last year. I had not even sent her a christmas card. She sent out greeting photos of her dogs.

But I feel that I really don't have anything in common anymore.
I used to be her therapist like on the phone long distance until she met her now husband. She is very materialistic.
i resent the fact that she put all of her school debt on credit cards then filed bankruptcy. She planned it all out. Then she received unemployement benefits from broke california whilst living in Arizona. While going to school to be an accupuncturist. She has a good business now.
anyway. I have one friend from my past that I am friendly with and see occasionally, every year or two. 4 friends here in LA. and this prior friend who I jsut sent a little note to. It is hard maintaining friendships, do you use face book at all. that is one way to keep up with a person.
I am sorry that you are losing touch with your past friends and it is so difficult making new friends. I feel for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

thinking of you
love
bobby

i'm going down down down
 

i saw pdoc today. while i waited i ended up crying and crying. i have been feeling worse and worse and on the way there was singing that Neil Diamond song... and just feeling lost, in so many ways...

i had concerns ... that included how i cancelled only hours before due to sudden onset of violent nausea (migraine) that made me unfit to travel. i was a jellywoggy mess but pdoc was very thorough about reassuring me i must say.

we are going to work on mindfulness based on a book that is used by a class that does DBT. i haven't been going out, so hadn't bought it. today pdoc said to take it as his "prescription." so doc's orders - i did go and get it, on the way home.

i feel like i don't know how to put one foot in front of the other any more.

funny... i've been losing myself in little artsy things on the web. small things that take little effort but are creative - yet don't make a mess in the house. and youtube occasionally.

today i sang with my guitar and discovered i've forgotten some of the progressions to "time for me to fly" and "bridge over troubled water" oops. i would screw up and have to sing bits a capella to straighten out again... that bad. :o

i improvised what could be a new song. it is dark....

i am in the grips of darkness and feel empty again

"...and i am lost and i can't even say why."

waves

Waves,
Lots and lots of hugs. :grouphug:
Great job on going to the appt and on getting the DBT book. Artsy stuff and music . .. . keep doing those things.

I wish I could send you light and fill you up. :hug: :hug: :hug:


M

:hug: Waves :hug:

Phyllis:Heart:

I am so glad you went to get the book.

Keep up the Good work.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Hello waves
 

valentines day is the love of friendhships too. I know you feel you are in the dark right now. Picture us two, wandering around in the dark being very afraid. I am reaching out for your hand to hold. That way we won't be afraid anymore. There is darkness yes, but when you hold on to others, you can find your way back into the light. Keep singing and playing your guitar. How cool is that? I sing like a frog! It is a blessing to be able to sing! I am thinking about you waves. Spirits move through space and time. ginnie

thank you all so much for your support.

i don't know where i would be without you guys.

waves

Dear Waves,
know that you are loved.....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

You sure are loved.

Miss Waves.


Sure wish I had a sea of waves to put on the screen.

Donna :cool::rolleyes::):winky::grouphug::circlelove:

:yahoo::Girl(angel-flying)::You-Rock::sunchair:

:cool::grouphug::grouphug:

Donna

i am so sorry you are in the place you are in. i wonder if you can devise a mantra that you can cling to. I am thinking of doing that. i don't know if it will work. emptiness is one of the worse. i too am glad you are singing and doing little creative things. i hope they provide you with a little relief. life can be so painful when you are bipolar. life is hard enough without it
love
bobby