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I give up.
I seriously can't take this anymore. I haven't been fine since my symptoms showed up in September. I've been hiding in my room like a hermit, shutting myself off from the world...and I'm not seeing any results.
Every day, I wake up and it's something else...some different uncomfortable feeling. It's not just anxiety and PCS symptoms I'm dealing with, it's psychological stuff too. I can't even explain the way I feel everyday...I don't know how to explain it. I wish I could just have some typical PCS symptoms, that would be great. Right now, I'm all screwed up...I could barely put together some macaroni and cheese. My brain feels like it's completely shut down and I've gone mentally retarded. I had horrible chest pains earlier right around where my heart is, my face feels hot, I've got pressure in my head and neck...but the physical symptoms isn't what is bothering me, it's the psychological, uncomfortable, just not right feeling I'm having. I didn't even do anything yesterday...or the day before. I stayed in my room and occasionally posted on here...I just laid in bed. That's pretty much what I do everyday...and I still don't feel right. I had a few good days at the beginning of this month where I felt "almost normal". It was great...but that doesn't happen much. That's actually the first time I've felt like that since the injury. The only thing I can think of that might be making me feel like this is blood pressure. They say you can't tell if you have high blood pressure though...it has no symptoms. So I don't know.....my heart is beating so hard (not fast, just hard and weird) right now its rocking my body as I lay in bed. I'm starting to get delirious. I don't know...I just give up. I can't take care of my son like this. I might be going off to the psychiatric ward here pretty soon. |
1. I am so sorry that you're having to suffer like this. Nobody should have to go through that.
2. I am spending my days pretty much the same day you are spending yours: sitting in the dark by myself, listening to audiobooks, posting on here, "reading" posts via my text-to-voice software, etc. I can't even look at the screen briefly without two pairs of sunglasses and a transparent yellow plastic cover over my screen. I can't read, can't watch TV, shouldn't drive (but do so anyway because I have no choice), can hardly listen to any music, can only have limited conversations with people, etc. 3. Before this happened, I had already been suffering from sometimes crippling OCD for 15 years--and nothing I have dealt with since my brain injury has come close to being as excruciating and agonizing as my severe OCD episodes. I also had chronic fatigue syndrome for 10 years before acquiring my brain injury. I have dealt with both of these conditions primarily by myself; I have been isolated for the majority of the past 12 years. 4. When I got my brain injury (by being rear-ended while sitting at a red light), I was 4 months away from defending my dissertation and getting my Ph.D, which I had been working on in poverty for the past 8 years. Before that, I had already nearly had to drop out twice because of the OCD and CFS. Now I can barely read or write because of the light sensitivity and dizziness, and still haven't defended my dissertation. My career is in pretty serious jeopardy. 5. Despite all that, there are many, many reasons for me to go on living, and there will come a better day in my life. Five years from now, I will be in a better place and will be so glad that I didn't give up. You are younger than me, and have A LOT of life ahead of you. Chances are excellent that you will recover at least most of what you have temporarily lost due to PCS, and will be able to go on leading your life and perhaps accomplish great things. So you absolutely may not give up. You owe it to yourself and all the other people you will help in your life to keep fighting and never give up. 6. I'm going to post soon about James Stockdale, who was a POW in Vietnam for seven years and endured unspeakable suffering, including 2 years of solitary confinement. After the war, he went on to become Ross Perot's vice presidential nomination and wrote several books. |
7. Nothing I said in the above post is intended in any way to minimize the awful suffering you are now enduring. Many people will never go through anything as difficult in their entire lives. You will not only survive it, but will come out on the other end a better person than you would have been without it. Many people who never endure suffering end up being selfish and unable to empathize with others--as we discussed in your post yesterday.
8. Be strong, love yourself, and endure your pain with courage and dignity. A better day will come, my friend. |
Nick said <They say you can't tell if you have high blood pressure though...it has no symptoms. >
All you need to do is take you blood pressure when your symptoms increase. Didn't you order a BP home kit? Have you asked about getting some blood pressure meds, propanolol, etc.? |
I was ordering one online but the transaction failed....not enough funds. I'm going to get one from Walmart when my Unemployment drops on my card this week.
I missed the appointment on the 31st last month because I couldn't even get out of bed. I haven't felt good enough (long enough) to schedule another appointment and borrow my mom's car. Nobody has time to take me to my appointments. I'm getting a car hopefully this weekend....then I could take myself next time I have an okay day and feel up to driving. |
nwsmith
You definately need to take the bp. Its possible that a lot of the problem has to do with this. I had bp problems, and when put on a medicine it cleared up that particular part of the problem. I didn't even know I had a problem. Luckily it showed up almost immediately. After I almost fainted. Donna:grouphug::hug: |
My fellow hermit (Pete),
I'm sorry to hear your living pretty much the way I am...it's not the business. Thank you for spacing out and numbering your reply, too. Your light sensitivity sounds pretty vicious. I, too, am struggling with light sensitivity...as you can see in my signature. I'm not sure it's as serious as your's, but it's pretty bad. I have my computer/laptop screen turned all the way down...and when I'm in the dark room, that still doesn't help. My smart phone is on the lowest setting as well. I'm going to have to try that transparent cover over the screen thing. You described it pretty good in a prior post...it's like when your taking a nap and someone comes in and turns the lights on suddenly...lol. Are you able to work? What kind of OCD were/are you struggling with? I'm dealing with some extreme OCD myself...I don't even want to talk about it in public, maybe I'll PM you sometime about it? Thank you so much for the encouraging words...It truly, truly means a lot to me. I'm sorry it took me a minute to respond - I've been screwed up all day and just barely pulled myself free of that uncomfortable, debilitating mind-state. Dmom3005, Yeah, I'm working on it...I had an appointment with a NP who was really great to me the last time I seen her. I completely missed the appointment the 31st of last month because I wasn't even well enough to get out of bed. I'm hoping that the majority of these strange feelings and mind-states I'm put in are blood pressure related...and the medicine will do me justice. Sorry to hear you went through something similar, glad you got it under control. Thanks...:) |
You sound very much the way I felt through most of November and December and January. I was seriously depressed. I mean, SERIOUSLY. I assume you've seen a psychiatrist? Seeing a counselor on a regular basis to talk to someone? Do you have a friend who can come hang out with you a couple days a week in the dark?
It sucks. It really and truly sucks. I am just starting to come out of it now after a med change and a lot of really horrible days. Hope you see light at the end of the tunnel soon. |
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THAT is what is making me depressed...that would make anyone depressed. I tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy...I became a space cadet after his first question. I'm not very good with conversations and keeping up with what people are saying...I get overwhelmed easily and just want to hide in the room away from everyone. I talk to my sister throughout the day, just small talk here and there...and I text with my ex-fiance. That helps me feel a little bit more alive. It doesn't fix the problem though :(... I'm considering a med change here pretty soon. |
Are you playing video games on your smart phone?
When I play very simple games on my Android tablet, it will wipe me out. |
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..its different than my brain fog that I speak of because I can't "feel" my brain being tied in a knot...I'm just blank. I stopped playing that night. Now, the past two nights I've had the same thing happen to me by just posting a long message on here. |
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My OCD is "pure obsessional," which is a misnomer, since pure obsessionals have mental compulsions. But the gist of it is that I get horrible intrusive thoughts stuck in my head that cause unbearable anxiety. I've been managing it pretty well the past few years, but it still pops up now and then. Feel free to shoot me a private message anytime about your OCD. There is nothing you could tell me that would shock me; I've heard about all the different bizarre subtypes. (Anyone on this forum should feel free to email me with OCD questions.) It sounds like you're feeling a little better now. If so, I'm very glad. Hang in there, man. When you're sitting there in the dark too messed up to do anything, remember that I'm probably doing the same thing. Pete |
When you feel you are being so 'good', making all these sacrifices of everything that makes life enjoyable so that your symptoms will get better, and they aren't changing, that was the most depressing time for me as well.
As well as having the horribleness of PCS, you get this terrible feeling on top that it's all just so UNFAIR. I think there's something deep in most people's psyche that wants to see the world as an ordered place where good things come to people who do the right things, and this sort of unfairness really gets to us. I found it helpful to consciously let go of this idea that things should be fair. I was making all those sacrifices because they were my only chance of getting better, not because they guaranteed that I would. There was nobody judging me for doing the right thing and rewarding me with improvement, it was just me, on my own, giving my body the best chance I could of recovery. It was definitely liberating to think that way. I imagine this was easier for me as an athiest. For you perhaps looking at the story of Job or something like that, in that his sufferings were not 'fair' and he was not helped by God for some time, but ultimately it was all part of God's plan and turned out fine in the end. I'm sure it won't be the first time you've considered that story. For me, I went through a period of inexplicably not getting better despite doing all the right things, it was as I say very depressing, and eventually I started to improve again. I would predict that the same will happen for you. |
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You need to find a way to progress with stimulating your brain in easy, low levels. Isn't the saying, "when idle minds.." and in the end you go crazy? Or something like that. Maybe there's a small project you can concentrate on that has nothing to do with electronics. Do something that will make you feel good and accomplished afterwards. Maybe you can help your mom with something around the house. Painting and drawing, or some sort of arts and crafts may help. Do something simple to get your brain stimulated again and then take periodic breaks. If you want some inspiration, I'm at work right now with earplugs typing this in and I take periodic breaks during the day, a long one after lunch and then it's back to work/stimulation. Give yourself some time to work out a plan, then execute it, then tweak it as you go along. Maybe even think of things you wouldn't normally do that might challenge your brain, but not too difficult you can't succeed so as to preserve your morale. |
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My complaint is I'm getting WORSE!!...meaning my threshold is getting smaller and smaller. I was able to watch TV before and now I can't. I used to play video games and now I can't. Now, I can't write one post on here without getting wiped out for the rest of the day. Why is this happening? It's not that I'm doing everything I need to do to improve my recovery and not seeing any results, it's that I'm getting WORSE. I slept 13 hours last night...I thought that's what I needed, just a bunch of sleep to reboot my brain...you'd think I'd wake up refreshed today, right? Nope. I woke up feeling like I was still in a dream or something. Completely....delirious, slow, dumb, broken....About an hour after I woke up, I got a phone call from a friend...I've been ignoring his calls for weeks because I've been terrible at conversations...well my social skills seem to have improved recently, so I answered. Wow. I couldn't even talk....I didn't even know how to reply to anything he was saying. My brain just feels like it's more broken than it was a month ago...or a week ago instead of staying the same or getting better. I wonder if I should get that MRI my new neurologist requested. bh_pcs, thank you for the kind words and suggestions. My problem is...I can't do anything...at all. I tried drawing and I became a space cadet. Anything that requires me to think wipes me out. I'm scared to try anything anymore because when I get overstimulated now, my brain shuts down COMPLETELY and puts me in this extremely uncomfortable mind-state....extremely....uncomfortable....and it will stay that way for the entire day, or sometimes 3 days. |
Sorry I'm just frustrated. I'm seriously screwed up and getting worse all the time...I don't know what else to do...Hopefully this NUCCA specialist I'm seeing tomorrow finds that my brain stem has been compressed this whole time and works a miracle on me.
I can only hope. |
Wow, I can't even imagine what you are going through. That MRI sounds like a good idea at this point and I'm going to pray for you tonight and ask that God bless you with a miracle for your PCS to start going in the healing direction( even though you are a Cowboys fan :) - "Insert Redskins Emoticon here" ).
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Yeah, it's horrible. I don't wish this kind of suffering on anyone.
LOL about the Cowboys comment. I won't even get started on the Redskins...:cool: |
I'm scheduling another appointment to get my blood pressure in check and also see about getting my sinus infection treated...if that doesn't work and the NUCCA adjustment doesn't work, I don't know what else to do.
I'm probably going to get that MRI done that my new neurologist requested to see if there is any further lesions. I'm seriously screwed up :(... |
hello new smith
I really wish I had some words of comfort. I have known the depression you are going though, and have locked myself away for long periods of time like you are doing. I didn't have the brain trauma, I had an emotional trauma. I also had alot of medical issues to deal with at the sametime.I did go for council. I did start taking medications too for the depression. I told all my doctors what happened to me, and I finally got a pro-bono lawyer.
What got me out of this really started when I found this site. I was on overload, and could not cope with anything. If you can keep coming back here, even for a little while each day, it will give you some strengh and encouragement to keep trying. I wish you were not alone. I was lucky to have a friend that lives with me who helped me to get out of bed. Truthfully, I may be better with my physical parts, but this emotional stuff still gets to me. Beating back depression is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Since there is no resolution with my situation, I cannot resolve my emotional issues. I have to take part of my family to court. Until these issues are resolved in court, I am stuck in this funk, and still dealing with the physical stuff too. This site has helped me more than I can express. None of what you are going through is easy. I don't think any of us has magic to make it go away. I only know that I get some strength from the other people here who can and do relate to the problems I have. That compassion has helped me more than anything else. I want my old life back too, and I 'm not going to get that no matter what I do. You kind of have to accept where you are at, and then try to move forward the best way you can. If you can get council, with someone who will have compassion and give you some coping skills, that may help you to make the first steps. I hope you will come back here and keep trying to express what you are feeling. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. Even with your injury. Things can and do get better with the right kind of help. If you try to reach out, this site and the people here won't let you down. The brokenness you feel can get better. I have come to accept, things I never thought I could before. I pray alot too. It starts to get better when you allow others to reach out back to you. I also hope you can do some kind of distraction from the depression, take a break, I read, and found I go to some place, any place than where I am at. Great Escape and it works. Even if it is just a paragraph. Your focus chances to something else. I really do care about the folks I meet here, and that includes you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts. ginnie |
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I just want to add that I'm not hiding out in my room because I'm depressed....I'm hiding in the room because I can't function. Depression is a problem I'm having but its not the underlining problem. I can't do anything without becoming overloaded....anything does that for me really...and when I say overloaded, I'm not talking about oh I'm overloaded, if I lay down for 15 min it will go away. I'm talking severely overloaded just by something small as a conversation where I can't function for the rest of the day....and sometimes the next. My threshhold seems to get smaller and smaller all the time. Pretty soon I'm not gonna be able to write on here anymore...seems to be headed in that direction. I'm not over-exaggerating. It's very very bad and I can't put my finger on why I can tolerate less and less as the weeks go by. I don't even want to ask a doctor, they are no help. |
You guys are amazing, I love how I can just come here and write how I'm feeling in a post and get tons of support from everyone. I don't have anyone else to really talk to about things...my younger siblings are too young, my mom is at work and school most the time...and I'm too embarrassed to talk to my dad's side of the family about what I'm going through.
Thanks. |
I understand better
This must have to do with the injury itself. Depression is a by-product of your injury. You can't take stimulation in any format for long. I am getting that. If this is seriously getting worse, and not responding to rest or anything else, you need to go in for another consultation. I know you said doctors have told you nothing or have not helped. Going in the direction you are going, is what I am worried about. Can you get to another neuro? You can't just lay back and except that kind of life, it is not good enough, as your quality of life period is getting hurt by this injury. Where is your home state? And TBI was diagnosed and nothing more was done for you? There has to be more help out there than what you are getting. What have you done so far with the medical field? Don't answer today if you are not up to it. I understand. I don't want to make your condition worse. I want you quality of life to get better. There has to be a better direction for you. I hope others on this site will respond to, and try to offer direction. I will look on the PC for symptoms you are describing with regard to injury. I wish I could help you. ginnie
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So far I've been seen by 2 neurologists. The first office I was seeing referred me to a psychiatrist for a mental health evaluation. I'm currently on an anti-depressant...that doesn't seem to be working properly. The second neurologist sent me for a blood test, eeg and mri. I did the eeg and blood test but not the mri...I had one in December so I didn't think I needed another...now I'm thinking I do. I tried Cognitve Behavioral Therapy but it was too overwhelming. I've tried no other therapy...I don't know where to start? How can you treat over-stimulation that varies every day? I thought I had it down...I knew my limits but now my limit is less than it was before and the results of over-stimulation are worse. |
Re: little at a time
I care about you. Keep talking to the folks here who know about TBI more than I do. It is such a hard problem to deal with. I am here and praying for you. ginnie
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