friendship situation
 

I'm posting this on this forum because I think you guys are the best and always ready to give good advice. My problem really doesn't have anything to do with any of the issues here but I am in a pickle.

I have been friends with a woman for at least 10 years. One time about 5-6 years ago she had some sort of breakdown (I thought) and made up a relationship with a man. She told such outlandish stories about him that it was clear to me that he did not exist. Eventually her therapist figured out she was fabricating this man and dealt with it. End of story (I thought).

Recently she has invented another relationship with another man that does not exist. She is no longer seeing the therapist so he cannot intervene. I called her brother to alert him to another possible breakdown. He had his wife call me and it turns out that everything my friend says is probably a lie. When she tells me she had a bad day at work it is probably not so. When she tells me her cat threw up on the couch, she probably didn't. I am shocked.

I don't want to be her friend anymore because I can't believe anything she says and the whole relationship is false. I am, however, her only friend and I am afraid she will do something to harm herself if I tell her I don't want to talk to her anymore. We no longer live near each other so I cannot keep an eye on her if I do decide to break off the relationship. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Any ideas?

Hi knitten
 

Friendships can't function without trust. That is the basis of friendship. You cannot control anothers behavior, only your reaction to it. You can't feel the blame if she chooses a negative behavior if you should not care to be friends. Tell her about the trust issue, and the truth. Maybe it will cause her to pause, and go back to council. She needs that therapist, and you need to keep surrounding yourself with those people who have morals, trust, and are able to reciprocate your effort in the friendship. Friendships are the most valuable things we have a human beings, and worth the effort. It should work both ways. Living a lie is not the way to promote that goodness between two people. I would tell her the truth gently, and move out of the picture as best you can. She must change and get some help. Just my opinion. ginnie

Hi kitten,

Well.... I dont know... wish I was a professional on this, but sadly Im not... however, consider she might need medical care...

I mean, this doesnt sound like "just" a person who likes to lie... maybe, she is the first one to believe things happen to her... what if she really sees this man in her mind, imagination or whatever you call it ?? Schizophrenic-like you know...

It can be from a psychological problem to a severe psychiatric one...

If you appreciate her, try to tell her she needs help... Doesnt look like just a "lier"... to me... just my humble opinion.

:hug:

You both gave me such good things to think about.

Ginnie, I try to use my time in positive ways and surround myself with positive energy. She does not promote either of these goals. I know I need to divest myself of her but I would not be able to forgive myself if she does something stupid. I know I am not responsible for her but I don't need to push her over the edge either.

Blue, I though she was delusional too until I talked to her brother and SIL. She is telling them different stories about a different man. She is telling me how terrible her job is and how much she can't stand the woman she works with and telling her bother and his wife that her job is great and she loves her coworker. So it appears that she does not believe things are real. She just seems to have a need to lie. Her SIL called her a very sick girl. She is right.

I have a comment... I guess we all have had "friends" who were not really friends at all.

I would ask you to stop and think, what does this person provide for YOU. I am getting the impression this is a one way street, with you suffering on the receiving end.

How to fix it? Well, that is tough. It may provoke guilt in you since you are obviously empathic and giving. But you are basically not her therapist or relative, and some distance may reveal quite a bit to you.

You could examine your responses to her, and stop reinforcing her statements. This would take time and effort, but if she gets no reinforcement and only silence from you, she may give up.

You could shorten your calls by excusing yourself from her when on the phone after a brief time. You could slowly not answer her calls ( I hope you have caller ID). She would then get the message more slowly and it wouldn't be a sudden thing on your part to distance yourself.

This is just a brilliant book:
http://www.ivillage.com/6-types-toxi...hem/4-a-283671
It is in paperback and not expensive. It is available used from Amazon for even less. You might find some hints in it to help you resolve this problem.

Hi there!
 

Hi Kitten,

my first thought on reading your post was exactlly what Blue replied... that she was delusional, possibly psychotic. however delusions are (to my limited and non-professional knowledge) usually consistent - i.e. as you point out here, i would expect a delusional person to tell the same "lies" to different people.

I would still agree she is a very sick girl. There are forms of mental illness where people simply confabulate - in some cases talking to the person after 10 minutes they might not even be consistent. there are also pathological liars who lie for a variety of deep-seated reasons but they cannot help it.

i feel for you because i know i would feel caught between the devil and the deep blue sea too.

you have two basic considerations here though:
1. your mental health.
2. her mental health.
The problem as i see it is, what approach might you take, so as not to put these at odds, or in competition?

a slow distancing as MrsD proposes might be one option for you if you actually want to cut her off... sort of taper...

You don't need to make the final decision just yet though. i definitely think you are too close to the situation at the moment... if you took some distance, you might find a point where remaining in contact is tolerable.

things have changed, and you will need to adjust mindset accordingly. you now know she is lying, that she has a serious problem. it sounds like there was a good bit of shock involved for you too. that will wear off. after that, you still won't be able to resume a "normal" relationship with her.

nonetheless, you could choose a different role, if you wish. she is incapable of reciprocity... so, you can choose not expect it. this doesn't mean you become her therapist (you could encourage her to see a therapist). for the rest, you do not need to believe her or advise her on her "issues" (real or fake... you won't know which is which, but you do not need to know.)

i would start by limiting your time with her, as a way of asserting healthier/more comfortable boundaries for yourself than what you seem to have now without estranging her. you need to get to where you are not giving too much of yourself. that means in terms of time, attention, frequency and even thought when you are not actually in contact.

---------------
i see a lady regularly in an area i have to go to for appointments... she has a severe psychiatric condition and confabulates. i didn't know it at first... i realized it when she said something about plumbing that was totally impossible. from that i realized many other things she says are likely confabulations. i am not her therapist. i do not challenge her. she does not seem to have friends. i sometimes sit with her and simply allow her to say what she will say. i try to hear her needs more than her words. it is like listening with the heart more than with the ears. often i feel that she needs some attention, sympathy, company. accordingly, i offer what i can in that regard. sometimes, i just sit, smile, listen. i may say something comforting. but all of this, within my own limits, and compatible with my own needs. i expect nothing from her.
---------------

i think you can manage this. the adjustment will take some time, understandably. but it doesn't have to be an all or nothing. there are many shades of gray, and besides that... an infinite spectrum of colors... ;)

keep us posted on your thoughts, or developments. and in general, please know that you are welcome here. being bipolar or posting on bipolar issues is by no means a requirement. :hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

I personally think this person may really need the friendship she
feels you two have. So if you can remember she doesn't always
tell the truth. And be a friend.

It should be workable. And you can just watch what you tell her.

Donna:grouphug:

Hi,

You have lots of choices here.
1 You can drop her
2 You can keep her around for a the little bit that you feel comfortable
3 You can keep the friendship but tell her what you are willing to accept and what you are not.
4
5

It's in your hands. Empower yourself to feel perfectly ok with what transpires in the short term and the long term.

M

You all make give such good advice. As it turns out I ran into a psychologist friend of mine yesterday afternoon and told her about the situation. She asked me how much it bothered me to talk to my friend who makes things up. I told her it really didn't bother me; I just felt like I was wasting my time. She said since it didn't bother me I should probably not tell her I know her boyfriend does not exist and that I should continue to talk to her for the time being. She thinks the story will run its course and she will stop talking about him and then we can work on cooling the friendship. She is too fragile to do anything now, especially since I am so far away. So, I guess I will continue to talk to her a little while longer. How did I get myself into this?

Hi,

How much time do you spend on this friendship?
Perhaps you can start making yourself less available to her.

M

Hi knitten
 

People with big hearts, open them to others. This is a very good trait, as you try to help individuals. Sometimes though it leaves you too open. I am like that in many ways knitten, I don't want to hurt or offend, and wind up in situations I don't always know how to handle. The very fact that your tried hard in this friendship shows me how much of a caring individual you are. I do hope it works out for the best. ginnie