Terrified of the future
 

This hits me on a pretty regular basis. Just freak'n worried. I am currently on disability insurance that run out in May. I am only able to work 12 hours a week and to be honest, I do very little.

D day will most certainly come and I will have to choose a path. Realistically, I am not ready for working. I have moments of clarity and can access my intelligence, but then whoosh, it's gone. Push just a little bit for a couple of days and I am super dizzy, disoriented, and trouble speaking. Everythink I do is in S l o w m o t I o n. Ha ha, look at my type-o, "everythink" is a better word anyhow, it makes more sense! :D

Im sure many of you feel like this. Fear of not improving, financial fear, fear of losss, etc, etc.

I was a hard worker who loved being a leader in my workplace, loved the work and the people. I was a very passionate soccer player who would give everything on the pitch. I played 90% of a game with a fractured and displaced tailbone! I loved being around friends. Life was full of hard work, fun and passion.

Who am I without all of this??? I lost my identity. Now, I need to create a new one. I think I need to resist accepting who I have been for the last 2.5 years. If I could just feel better, I could do more. Hhhmmmm. Ah well, just sharing and guessing some of you may relate.

If you read this far, thanks for letting me babble away. :rolleyes:

By the way, I work very hard at staying positive and I truly believe that I will continue to improve, I just don't know if my career will give me the years I probably need to be a productive person again.

C'est la vie!

XSoccergal

Yeah i know what you mean, although i didnt lose much of my life after having a brain injury things still suck A LOT.

I didnt do much to begin with because i was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at the beginning of march of last year. Forcing me to stay home until i came out of a flare-up so i could get a job. Then i decided stepping on a metal gardening rake and hitting myself in the face would be a good idea :rolleyes:

I'd imagine that it really must suck going from being that athletic and playing soccer for years, then turn around and barely being able to hold a conversation with someone..

Things will get better though, positive thinking is the key (=

i hope things get better for you, for everyone suffering from a brain injury.

Totally understand where you are coming from Soccergal. I think we are all entitled to have some "freak out" time to contemplate where we go from here. It's only natural to be upset for what we have lost.

The trick (is that even the right word?) is to figure out how to reinvent yourself with the talents/skills you have now.

I know I know, much easier said than done. But it's what I'm finding I have to do.

That's why this forum is so great. It gives us all a place to find new perspectives and a place to be heard and understood!

Here's a big <hug> and hang in there :-)

Soccergal - I *totally* understand what you're talking about - especially today! I usually try to be as up beat as possible, but today I had the thought to just give up. Of course, I'm not going to, but 20 months for me (and 2.5 years for you) is a looooong time to wait and try to work towards something better - the way we have become accustomed to being. I feel like it's wearing me down... :(

Last night I watched a documentary on the life of the Buddha. It was inspirational and relaxing. In watching it, I remembered that there is change for everyone in life and that everyone has desire and that suffering is a fact of life. It's what we do with that suffering and the emotions that come up as a result of these facts that is most important.

The Buddha never claimed he was anything but a mortal man living life on earth - even after his "enlightenment" he felt great sadness sometimes.

But he reminded people to be compassionate towards themselves in times like this because grief and loss are completely natural parts of life.

hello soccer gal
 

I sure can relate to you. I lost my career of 30 years, all my savings, and who I was. I am now disabled, trying my best to make the best of it. Grief comes along however, and I sure reach out for help when I have to.
Come back here for support and other people, who also lost much of what they tried to do in life. Our bodies fail sometimes, and they take a long time to heal. I hope you have support of family and friends around you at home.
NT will be here to listen anytime. ginnie

Thankyou so much for your comments. It's funny, I have read lots of posts of fellow NT'ers, but it really feels great to have your responses to my post on fear. Thanks much, your support is so appreciated!
:)

PS, Esthersdoll: I wish I had caught that program, I'll have to see if I can download it. Do you recall the name of the program by any chance?

Thanks!

XSoccergal

I went back to work this week and got sent home because I wasn't functioning. Saw doc today, I have 3 weeks left on fmla then I am unemployed. I share being scared, there aren't many jobs out there and my brain isn't working well -- I am hanging onto the words of others here and continue to hope that in the end all will be well.

I hit that fear with every migraine. The thought of being in this much pain for the rest of my life. 36 years now and counting. I wish I had an answer for both of us, but I don't. Plenty of prayers, though.

I streamed it on Netflix. :D It's two hours long; but Netflix will usually start a program over where you left it if you can't watch a program that long using their "resume" option.

The Buddha
The Buddha: The Story of Siddhartha
(2010) NR

I never seriously accepted the possibility that I might not recover to the level where I could work again and do some, if not necessarily all, of the things I used to enjoy. This was partly because every time I started to think that way I could feel it would be very dangerous in terms of my mental state and levels of stress and depression. That sort of thinking is like a dark abyss opening up in front of you, and in my opinion every attempt possible should be made to avoid it.

It was also because I was lucky enough that I tended to get a spurt of recovery at least every few months to keep my hopes up. I imagine that this is harder when you have had worse symptoms for longer as in your case :(

Since I'm talking about Dorothy Gronwall on another thread, here is another quote from her which might make you feel better:-

:)

Hi soccergal
 

You can come back anytime to post, and express your fear. Life can be really hard sometimes, and we do need support from each other. I will be here to listen any time you need. ginnie

Very good point about trying not to think of not getting well. For me, my fear is that my work won't/can't wait or disability insurance will not support me long enough to go through the majority of healing. But, I must remind myself that I have to live in the present moment, not in the possible scary future nor the "good ol' days".

However, I try to be pratical and plan for the future, try and reduce our debt load, etc. It is then, that I get swept away by the fear. But, through practice (and anti-depresants), I'm learning to bring myself into the "now" and just do what I can in this moment, this day.

You are absolutely correct about the "2 year mark". Man, that was my target. I had my most difficult emotional times at 1-6 months, 1 year and 2 years. But I know for a fact that I am still improving. It's just very very small amounts over months. But too much worry certainly does make things worse - it puts too much of a load on the brain and is not where I want to spend my limited brain energy!

Still, my mind slips into the thoughts of guilt... that because of me, my husband and my hopes for retirement and travel are shot down and now I just hope we don't lose our house, etc. It's a wild rolercoaster ride I guess.. just gotta hang on and not lose my lunch - ha ha!

Thanks Ginnie, there is a certain relief to sharing one's fears - especially here where everyone "gets it". I'm actually a very positive person, but I slip into this often. As time moves on with the potential of my disability insurance ending next month - well, yikes. C'est la vie though.

So, thanks folks - I appreciate being able to share my fear here. Because we are all in the same boat, it feels like less of a load to carry when you can share it with NT friends!!! One day at a time - right!!! Things could always be worse. You just never know what may be around the next corner, so try and settle in and appreciate what we do have right now.

Thanks Esthersdoll for the name of the Buddah program. I just finished watching it. Loved it!

Hugs all!

XSoccergal

I'm on the same boat I had numerous concussion from boxing etc then in jan fell on some ice then kinda recovered but not fully cause I got into a school that trained me for security for the health region pays $44,000 a year and I pass everything and got hired but dying self defense training got a concussion again and had to turn down the position which I can reapply again I sept but they get into fights a lot in the profession and I may have to find a new career :( I have a fiancé and 6 kids in 29 years old an still recovering from my concuasion 3 weeks ago and I got my last student check last week and I tired working 2 days at my commissionaire job in a parkaide but couldn't do my tals due to the concussion symtomps they gave me 2 months off. So basically I have 3 months to recover and do my career but there's a risk of being Hurt again or choose a different job but in the mean time in not finciancly ready for this recovery at all and I don't qualify for EI sick benefits or anything :(

I worry about the future as well. I had a concussion and TBI the end on Nov. I am in cognitive therapy but my disability claim is exhausted. I am a 49 year old electrician and the executive function of the brain seems to be the main problem. After working in group or functional therapy on tasks designed to work the organizational skills I am just wiped out for the rest of the day. I can't imagine going back to work. I have applied for ssdi and if approved I can get a disability pension. Not at all what I was looking forward to by 50.

Joeyy,

Welcome to NeuroTalk. Sorry to hear of your injury. I read your post from the other forum.

It appears to me like you may be pushing too hard. Cognitive therapy is not always helpful. Many of us do good learning coping and other skills and strategies.

Have you had a chance to just rest your brain and try to find your bearings?

You don't need to recover all of your lost functions to be able to get back to a full life. Besides, at your age, some skills may be difficult to recover.

What are your worst symptoms? Maybe we can help you learn ways to work-around those limitations.

Some professionals push clients for the financial gain rather than the benefit of the client.

Many of us would be wasted from a long day like you have each week. Then, we need a week or two just to recover.

Some researchers believe there is a need to rest and combine many days of symptom free or reduced symptom days to achieve the best recovery. The constant roller-coaster of effort/fatigue then rest is thought to be of no benefit for the long term.

Has anybody suggested getting a nutritional regimen going? Many of us use nutrition as our foundational effort.

B-12 (500 to 1000 mcgs daily), a B-50 complex, Omega's, magnesium, calcium, all of the anti-oxidants, good protein for the amino acids (pork is the best source of the Broken Chain Amino Acids needed, some try to use vegetarian sources), a good multi-vitamin, and avoid caffeine, alcohol, MSG, artificial sweeteners ( aspartame/Equal is the worst) and high sugar foods.

Nutrition is a slow process. It can take weeks for the brain to detoxify and start to heal.

There are lots of other tips and aids to dealing with PCS. Keep us informed and we will try to help any way we can.

My best to you.

Thanks Mark. I have read alot of your posts and you seem to have a good handle on things. To be honest prior to the neuropsych. evaluation I thought I was recovering great and was mentally getting myself ready to go back to work. I guess my normal day did not call on my organizational skills much. Most of it was routine things like getting the kids ready for school, grocery shop, cook dinner. The evaluation exposed the weak area a I could not believe how much I struggled in specific areas. Now my worst symtem would be bing both physically and mentally exhausted after a few hours using those skills. People I know tell me they would never know I was injured if I didn't tell them. It is not beaing able to do the functional skills using that part ofthe brain that gives me pause. I worked in a bit of a fast paced enviroment whare if you do not produce you are laid off.
I do like the idea of treating it naturaly. I will give the vitamins a try and the pork as well.
The only other real symtems I have are I really have to focus to spell corectly and divided attention tasks are extreamly dificult.
Joe

I am really struggling with all these issues at the moment and I'm only 3 months in. Work is so much a part of my identity and prior to my tbi I have had periods of sad and
depression when unable to work. I am awaiting support from the mental health team to keep me safe in this pcs half life since my head injury while I wait for my inevitably clear MRI scan. Work are very sceptical about pcs anyway and have been quite beligerant about why I am stuck at home. It was an accident at work with an ongoing claim which does not help.

what doesnt kill me makes me stronger
 

these are words of wisdom. have taken them on board afetr recently developing tinnitus as a result of scuba diving. i am going to let those words get me through this, for sure. thankyou

Hi Mark In Idaho
 

Although I do not have your issues, I am fast learning about the benefits of nutrition and all the suppliments you mentioned. I am 60 disabled, and not in great shape. Just started after finding a doctor who specializes in this kind of holistic approach. I never knew it was so important, and I now wonder why doctors before did not mention this kind of therapy. Take care all of you. ginnie:hug: