Stopping the silence...
 

Whenever life guides me to this forum... I learn and appreciate how incredibly supportive you all are. I learn a lot about myself. Once in a while, I chirp up and say something. For the most part, though, in this forum... I stay silent.

Today I am going to be honest about why I am silent. I smoke a plant that grows wild all over our planet... its deemed illegal, tho.

I constantly struggle with the rights and wrongs of it... but... it helps me so much!

There... its out... I've lots to say but little energy to say it... I just know I need to talk about it ... its time.

Addy

Thank you for sharing. that took guts.
You are a very strong woman dear addy and have been thru a lot.
I believe in what ever works to get thru the day. You are not hurting anyone and as long as you are safe.
I hope you are having a pleasant sunday.
keep posting we are listening.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Yes, dear Bizi, I'm safe. Thank you - that's an important factor in all of this, isn't it?

In beating down the depression demon and taming the mania maven, I'm learning what works for me.

Between the ages of about 16 and probably 19, I smoked it maybe once a month - and only socially. I also tried other "psychedelic" drugs. It was the early 70's... I had no idea that something was "wrong" with me. Looking back, I discovered these "drugs" gave me the power to be the person I wanted to be... without debilitating anxiety and shyness. I again have to stress I did this very seldom. I started seeing my soon-to-be husband... and his world revolved around alcohol. And, myself being the adult-child-of-an-alcoholic... I will not go into this part of my "story" just yet...

So... not doing "it" except maybe 6 times, in 22... when my life started REALLY falling apart... I found pot again... 12 yrs ago and... Slowly but surely... until now.... at age 58... I know it is what keeps me off or picks me up off of the suicidal path...

if I experiment and I cut it out of my life... and here is where I struggle... within a few months (usually less!) ... the demon returns full blown... and the pick-me up maven re-appears...

I've read a lot and talk a lot... I share this when I am comfortable. I feel that the more I share... the more others share... and we learn we're not alone. And from the discussion comes knowledge .

My Sunday is going well.

I forget addy, do you take meds to help with your bipolar symptoms? an antidepressant? mood stabilizer? or are you med free as some are.
I wish that I could do this life medication free. alas I can't.
One of my medications cost my insurance company $800 a month...me a $50 co pay. It just went generic so it will be less than that. thank goodness for good insurance.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Bizi... I've been on Celexa (generic form) for over 6 years... the doseage, when I've become suicidal, was upped by my doctor because I headed straight to see her each time its happened. Yes, thank goodness for insurance! Its covered for now. I know I'm lucky for that. No mood stabilizers - my doctor has never suggested anything else even when I have asked for sleep help. I've tried what my sister uses (because we are both on Celexa) but it gave me very disturbing dreams which affected the start of each day. For the most part, I sleep good.... and will try a little gravol when I'm feeling desperate.

Altho my doc knows I smoke, she is not open to discussing or learning how it has worked into my life. I've tried, a couple of times, to bring this up. Its difficult to find a "family" doctor so I hold onto her... but think it might be helpful to find someone who has actually studied the effects on bipolar.

I know, for some, it makes them extremely agitated and paranoid.
And I certainly don't condone it or recommend it to anyone... its just what works for me at this particular time in my life.

I read, in another thread, where the doctor looked at her watch... my doc did that a few times during our last visit... it shut me up, quick. Sad, but true!
sigh... but they are human, too.

Addy

I also take the generic of celexa. Not sure I spelled it correctly.

I take it for depression and anxiety. I am glad you have decided to
talk to us. We wont judge.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear Addy, :Heart:
It is a blessing that you have found what works for you.
Lots of hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug:

M

hugs to you today!
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Addy

I've been thinking of you today.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Hi everyone... all is well... I've been taking my happy "pill" all weekend... lol... not what you think... its my 4 yr old Grand-daughter! I feel that as long as I am busy and positive... there's no need for the other. I've done a lot of figuring out on that, too... I research this habit to death sometimes!

My biggest hurdle, these days, is my weight... that is why I watch the diet thread here. Both my sis and I have put on at least 40 to 50 pounds since we started Celexa. I believe it takes our energy... but I know that's just a cop-out. Age plays a roll, too.... and genetics... but inside this body is a skinny girl! My sis doesn't indulge in my other habit so I can't say that its the problem.

Its a holiday here in Canada - always Canada Day on the 1st and your American holiday on the 4th. We're very close to the US border so if I go down to the beach here, on the 4th, I can see your fireworks! Cool! I could hear ours last night... lying in bed with my dear sweet Grand-Addy.

I hope you all have a wonderful celebration and stay safe!

Glad you are enjoying your grand-addy. I always enjoy it when
my grandkids come to visit. Which can usually be anytime I want.

They live here in town.

DOnna:grouphug:

Thanks for sharing today Addy, those little grandbabes are so heart warming and loving, unconditional. :) My grandson was 7 this month. Loves the 4th celebration.
Trying to lose the 40 - 50 lbs myself. So hoping to do it.

I get up to visit my step daughter in North Tonawanda each year at least twice and love the fireworks over the Falls. THis year I am hoping to bring up dgs, my son has full custody, but as dil never got to the Falls, she is not cooperative to allow me to bring my dgs with me.
I love coming up in the summer, and my younger dd enjoys seeing her half sister. This will be dgs and ds first trip to the Falls, and Wine country.

Ex-dil is driving a car I was selling her and she could not afford the nominal payments to me, and forgot to pay, or was not a priority to pay, the veh insurance so the veh registration was suspended.

Ds put car in his name again, still no payments, so I do hope she does not create a real issue to take dgs over the boarder.....don't like to be nasty, but I am not taking her to Niagara, she just spent 10 days at Walt Disney World when we drove down this month.:rolleyes: Augh, that was a crappy hello nice to meet your, and welcome to the forum!
But being part of the family here, you get some ideas of the family dynamics. lol

Glad it was a good week for you and Happy Canada Day!
di

Happy canada day addy!!!!!
bizi