My DDs b/f shot himself in front of her!
 

O M G! I am so angry, hurt, confused and upset. My DD 28 has been having issues with her live in b/f. After her house caught fire they lost everything. Well, the house is rebuilt now, and they just got appliances and filled the home with lovely new things and had insurance money to boot. She got up in the middle of the night about a week ago to use the toilet and saw he wasnt in bed. She heard talking on the porch so she went to the window, saw he was alone, but over heard him on the phone talking about "i love you too, and I cant wait to see you too, and as soon as I get the insurance money im outta here!" style conversation. After a long pause she decided to not confront him and go to bed.

The next morning she hacked into his email and found him on 6 different dating websites and he has 6 other g/fs telling them the same thing! Tons of emails to these different women telling them how awful she is and how he cant wait to be with them...She packed his stuff put it out on the curb and changed the locks. He moved in ACROSS THE STREET! with a friend. just yesterday he got the keys to his new apartment closer to his work and away from her. He has called every friend, every family member and anyone they ever met to say how he messed up, he didnt mean it, he loves her, and cant live without her. she kept his guns till he was more stable.

He came over last night to do insurance paperwork so he can get the rest of what is owed him, he begged for the return of his grandfathers gun. He saw the baby gun key on her keyring that was on her bag and they wrestled for it. He is 6'6" and she is 5'6' she has celiac and not a strong woman, and he is a landscaper who throws lawn mowers on and off trucks all day. He forced her on the ground, took the key, and she was smacking, screaming and biting on him as she got to her feet. He held her face to the wall, and pulled the trigger. in his her new home!

Clearly she is beyond upset. He betrayed her by being with other women, she had stood her ground and demanded he see a counselor, which he was and the counselor even told my DD to not release any items to him that he could harm himself with. She asked the counselor to admit him to the hospital,and he said there was no direct threat.

My DD is driving in this direction shattered. Not only did he cheat on her, lie to her, deceive her for a long time, now he has committed this awful act of violence on her. I was so proud of her when she called HIS parents to go get him, make his arrangements and take care of whatever they needed to take care of, because she refused. The Medical examiner took almost 6 hours to come claim the body, so she couldnt even go home and cry or get her meds, or anything. what an awful night.

Can you say a prayer for my sweet child?

what a terrible and shocking thing to have been witness to! I sincerely hope that your family can recover from this tragedy. Sadly, some people are so tormented psychologically that they do irrational things and it affects those involved with them. I pray your daughter comes through this, perhaps with the skilled help from a trauma counselor.

What a terrible thing to happen Dej. Has your daughter come home so that you can comfort her? I do hope that she'll agree to counselling as it may take her quite some time to come to terms with this tragedy.

Prayers going asking for the strength that she's going to need in the weeks and months to come. :hug:

Oh Dejibo,:hug:

What a terrible tragedy!

I am so sorry that this has happened; especially when it seemed that things with your daughter/boyfriend situation were well on the way to being resolved. Clearly she is a strong woman (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree), but surely this event will test that strength.

May you have the strength to support her and yourself through the coming days and weeks and may you both have the fortitude to press through it in the sweet embrace of understanding, compassion, love and patience for all concerned.

Prayers to you, your daughter, her boyfriend and his family.

With love, Erika

Just spoke to her. She KNOWS she was the victim here. She knows that he was clearly unstable, and lucky that he didnt take her out, then himself. She is quite angry with his counselor that he was not admitted to the hospital. She was held at the police station for 4 hours while they did residue tests on her, and questioned her. They took photos of her cell phone call records to prove she was in contact with his therapist. She knows that this was an unbelievably selfish act on his part, and he tried to use it as a punishment for her not allowing him to be part of her life. COWARD!

She is a strong young woman who already has been thru so much and is still standing. She wants to come stay with me while the forensic team cleans her home. We are going for a massage, and mani/pedi today. She is quite tearful and shaken, but i am so proud of her for not turning it on herself with guilt and should haves.

Prayers and hugs...now I hope she will try to find a therapist to talk to...this is going to be rough...

I am so sad for this tragedy in your family's life.:( My prayers and thoughts go out to you.:hug:

This is so terrible but sometimes it is through the most terrible of things we gain the most strength. As Erika said she shows your strength. What a selfish man. I'm not sure he qualifies to be called a man. I just hope it is resolved quickly and not drawn out in the media

I'm so sorry Dejibo -- as if you don't have enough stress all ready. My prayers are going up for your DD, you and the rest of your family for the strength you'll need to come out the other end of this dark tunnel. Take care.:hug:

How terrible, Dej. :( She's in my prayers. How's she doing today?

The Hazmat clean up crew was there most of the day yesterday. They had to cut out about a 4 foot section of the brand new hardwood floors, and even had to cut out sub floor. They cut out a section of wall board and cleaned the rest. They did not restore the floor, just left it with a hole in it! Since it was a body fluid spill it cost more 4 thousand dollars! This is without restoration! OMG! Her house insurance will cover it, but dang! We are sending in a contractor today to fix the holes. repaint, and so forth.

She slept in half hour slices, and woke screaming a few times. She came and got in bed with me, so that was good. She slept for 4 hours straight after that. Her dad has taken her out for some light grocery shopping as she is completely gluten free, and wants yummies. He is also taking her to the spa for a massage when they are done.

The police entered his new apartment and found a note attached to a photo of them together. He said he was sorry, and she should just keep all his stuff. (WTH!) The police contacted his parents and they are doing whatever it is they are doing. They have not called or tried to reach out to her in anyway to say im sorry, or we are thinking of you, or OMG ...nothing! She was given the option if she wanted me to find out about any services, and she said she doesnt want to know, and she doesnt want to go, and if his parents cant call in the first 24 hours, then she doesnt want to hear from them.

She reached anger pretty quickly and I was proud of her for seeing that she was the victim of a horrible crime and even if it was at the hands of someone who professed love for her he left her with an awful mess, and memories that need to be handled. She has an appointment with a counselor starting Monday. She wanted a few days to calm down, sleep, and put some distance between her and the event.

Her brother is taking her out for dinner tonight, and they will have a chance to be with each other and chat.

Thank you for the support and prayers. She really is a great young woman and no one deserves this kind of mess.

:hug:Hugs to you and DD.:hug: Good that that chapter of her life is over but such a dramatic finale does no one any good. With you and your immediate family's help, it sounds like DD will come out of this just fine.

What a horrible thing for your DD to experience. Prayer being said for her.

such a selfish, selfish person

Her bestest most trusted friend has flown in from his work in Africa where is is working as an MD with doctors without borders and has vowed he is hers for the next month. The man is a gem and has always been a rock for her. More brother material than b/f they have always leaned heavily on each other. He is gathering a memorial service for her that is inclusive of her friends only. Time for all of them to say goodbye, cuss, kick, scream and spit. Once upon a time this man was oh so loved, and for him to spin and create such an act of violence is horrific. His parents has made this obit that made him sound like a saint and are creating a scholarship fund in his name. I do understand that they too need to find a way to honor their son, as for the majority of his life we didnt know him as an unstable wreck. we knew him as loving and caring and a wonderful man. I am sure they too are in shock and grief over the loss.

We made arrangements for his parents to come get his truck out of the driveway, go thru her apartment and claim any item that is his (we have a guide for them) and we have assured them that any item they don't wish, or cant handle that we can take care of it for them. Whether it be thru donation or ceremony. She doesn't wish to keep any of this things from his extremely expensive camera and electronic equipment to his clothing. Her brother will guide them thru the house and point out everything that is his, while protecting what is hers. He left very little at her home as he had just moved to his own place, but was refusing to take any of his stuff out of her home other than what she put on the curb. He felt he would be allowed back home if he begged hard enough.

Since his note said you can keep my stuff, everyone feels they are doing her some sort of service to let her have his things. After being so violent with her, and demanding such a violent end to things in front of her, she has no desire to have, hold, touch or view any of his things. I'm so thankful that we have great help.

The floor will be repaired after his parents leave.

She has a long way to go, as she is still in shock, still sleepless, and replays it in her head on a constant loop. I am glad more and more of her good friends are flying in from their respective states.

thank you for the prayers. Mopping up the aftermath is a chore. she has a long way to go.

Oh, how well I understand about that constant loop playing in the head. I don't know how to make it stop. Laying in bed is the worst because there's nothing else to do but think.

If she has a radio or something with little earbuds she could play something soothing? Or maybe she needs loud and raucous right now.

His parents toured the place, and my DS played tour guide. Mom wanted to see "where it happened" and sat and wept for a while at the spot. Dad didnt want to know about anything other than "where are his guns!" DS told him the cops have his guns, he can collect them when he is ready. DS showed them his clothes, (nope, we dont want them) his hat collection (nope we dont want them) his shed full of lawn mowers, bikes, leaf blowers and such (nope we dont want them) his video games (expensive collection with fancy machines!) nope dont want them. and they moved onto electronics and camera stuff. They asked for his cameras and left his desktop and laptop. DS said "he may have photos on the laptop that you can rescue (nope dont want them) They were very cold and buttoned up.

DS said that his sister went thru a horrible crime in this house and has yet to be able to return. After what happened he was surprised they had not tried to at least call her to see if she was ok. The response was "we dont blame her for what she did to him" DS said "EXCUSE ME!?!" They went on to say that if she had not kicked him out, and simply listened to him instead of throwing him out like trash, their son would be alive today, but they understand she did what a young woman thought was best" He jumped in to scream that "did you know he was cheating on her with not one but 6 women?! he was having an email relationship with 2 others and going out to see 2 more locally! how doesnt that give her the right to ask him to leave?" Mom responded that "well, he said he never had sex with any of them, so he was never unfaithful now was he?" DS said he said "lets just end this tour by saying your son placed my sister in a great deal of danger and it was really close that he was going to take her with him. While I am sorry this happened to your son it happened at HIS hand not her, and she is a victim of a crime here. this was a criminal act, so dont act like she could have stop this! if you have all you came for, I will show you the door" (good boy!) They took his truck, and 3 cameras. They asked if he had any bank books or legal papers and DS said "not that I know of" They asked about his share of the insurance money from the house fire and DS said "he spent on it the house" they asked if he had any money hidden in sock drawers or tin cans (are we in the 40s?) and DS said "I know of no money." and they left.

DH and DD spent the day at the butterfly farm. its a very nice place where butterflies run free and dance on you. They had a nice lunch out and she got to cry in the park. He was glad to see her finally able to cry. They went fishing, and hiking after that and spent the whole day doing outside stuff instead of her sitting on a couch staring at folks who want her to talk about it.

She is going to try again today to return there. I seriously dont think she will be able to live there again. it was just too violent. We also wont be telling her anything about what his parents said. Just to say she should keep, sell or destroy anything else they have left behind. They hold no ill will, and let it go.

Words fail here but I'm sorry you're having to deal with this horror.

I can understand that everyone involved might want to leave the whole scene forever. Some things are too horrible, and this is one of them.

What a shame that the young man's relatives couldn't have kept their lips zipped until they'd calmed down.

People say weird things they don't mean when they're in shock, and I hope they didn't mean to do any harm. But words that are said can't be taken back.

Very unfortunately.

DD went to tour the house with her best friend, and she couldnt even go in. She sobbed and almost had to be taken away on a stretcher. Her friend took her home with him, showed her to the "guest wing" (omg too much money!) and told her she can stay as long as she wants. She slept for a while and then when she woke up she said she has made up her mind that there is no need to go back there. She will make a list of what she wants saved from the place and then it can go on the market, be rented or burned to the ground. The bank can have it or it can just be left to rot. She called an apartment complex that she felt was safe and sane and asked about renting a one bedroom. She is also going to the humane society to rescue a dog. She always wanted a dog and he said no.

I am so proud of her for realizing that she cant do it, and no one expects her to be able to. I cant imagine sleeping in the same room or same house that this happened in. He destroyed so much with his behavior long before he committed suicide, and the the gift just keeps on giving.

She has some healing to do, and will be seeing a counselor. She is making smart choices, and I am so proud of her. I dont know what will become of the home, but if she cant rent/sell it she will probably let the bank take it. They will ruin her credit but she can over come that.

Uh...why is there a red x for this thread?

I wondered the same thing. I didnt put it there, it appeared after the thread was posted. Perhaps the moderators wanted folks to know it was a violent thread.

That is the trigger icon and yes, it should always be used for anything that may be "triggering" ie upsetting to other members http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/im...consb/trig.gif

sorry to hear of the trauma your daughter has been through Dejibo

Sounds like she is handling this very, very well! She sounds like a "with it" young lady.

Selling it for $1 is better than ruining her credit. Or donate it if possible. Bad credit hurts so many aspects of life these days. Car insurance prices, job possibilities, many things people don't think of.

She went back with her best friend and both spent the night last night. I was surprised and impressed when she called me today to tell me what happened. She said she is not about to let him run her out of HER home. Her friend is going to stay for the next couple of weeks with her, so perhaps she can get over that hump. I guess the choice was made after a survivors of suicide meeting she attended.

There is no common law marriage in her state so she is not entitled to keep any of his stuff, but his parents are so blaze' about the whole thing she feels like she wants some concrete answers from them. SHE called them! she told them she emailed a list of his personal belongings that they can have if they want, and if she doesnt hear from them in 5 days she will donate everything on the list. She wont be held hostage by being forced to keep his things safe for them. She told them that he purchased many things for their new home and they are INSTALLED meaning she isnt giving them up! He purchased and installed them for the home, and by statute of the law once installed they become part of the home. Just as they wouldnt ask her to rip up a wood floor to return it, they cant ask her to uninstall and air conditioning unit or a hard wired generator. If they wish to be compensated for such items she suggests they look to his estate, not to his EX girlfriend for repayment. She said flat out, he bought these things for ME/US and I am keeping them. She emailed them some links to sites that explain the laws in her state. GOOD FOR HER!

The floor is fixed, the wall is fixed. she said the carpenter did such a great job you cant tell where the hole was. She purchased a new bed, mattress and bedding. She said she is going this week to adopt a small doggie from the humane society and will have something that will force her to get out of bed, feed it, and pay attention to it so that she wont be allowed to sit on the couch and stare off into space.

im just so proud of her. She started seeing a therapist on Monday who suggested the suicide survivor groups. Good for her!

Dej, your daughter is an amazing woman. I am so glad that she has such a wonderful support system in her family and friends. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like to go through something like this.My thoughts are with you and your daughter. :hug:

Wow Dej...sounds like a true survivor...prayers will continue for her strength & healing.:hug:

I think your daughter is an amazing person. Also, as my mom would say, “She’s been brung up right.” Please tell her for me.

Yes, good for her! She's not letting him win. :)

Is that 5 days what the law allows?

I dont know what the law allows, but she is angry now (which I love) and feels they are being disrespectful of her by allowing this stuff to stay until they can find the time. DO IT NOW! or lose it forever is her motto. Its painful for her to have to see this stuff, smell this stuff, or deal with this stuff. she refuses to pay someone to move it to storage. I am glad she didnt bury her head in the sand and wait for it to take care of itself.

The parents came this morning and cherry picked a couple of items. then they told her that she could have the rest. They suggested that she have a yard sale and earn some extra cash. She said "im having a BONFIRE with what you leave behind! so take it now or watch it burn!" OMG! WTG kiddo! They changed their minds and took more things at that point. She said she felt they were trying to be charitable with her as if she was some hopeless case, and she wont allow that. They left behind some nice things too.

there is a party at her house tonight. Fireworks, music, and love. its also a BLUE MOON tonight (2nd full moon in a month) and she is having a bonfire! Whatever got left behind is being sacrificed to the heavens. She said she doesnt want to see it, smell it, or move it. ENOUGH! so each friend will get a chance to say how they feel (angry or upset or just missing him) and then gets to chuck something on the fire. She was going to donate the stuff, but this way gives her friends a way to be heard and express themselves in a way that was unacceptable during a regular service for him.

im so proud of her. :cool:

Wouldn't a charity be better than burning it. Put some of his dirty old clothes in the bon fire and the good stuff to the battered women's home.:hug:

Im with you sally! I hate waste! I think its a shame to burn things when they could be used by others and loved and enjoyed. My DD is normally quite charitable and its uncommon for her to be wasteful, but if this is the therapy she needed in order to help let go, and give his energy back to the universe then I cant do much to stand in her way.

I had a short conversation with her today and she said they burned his favorite jeans, sweaters and some other items that were favorites of his. She has chosen after speaking to her friends to donate the boots, electronics and so forth. She spoke of freeing that was to be able to allow her anger to burn on that pile while she screamed at him for being selfish and venting about what a bad position he put her in by being so selfish. So, in the end we have a split decision. She burned some but the rest is being gathered today and dropped off at the battered womens shelter/salvation army, and the soup kitchen. She has chosen to sell his extremely expensive laptop and will donate the money to the soup kitchen.

I am glad this has motivated her to do more than sit on the couch and cry. if that means a bon fire, so be it! I am not sure I would have handled it with nearly the same amount of grace and courage. This is not someone who died in a car accident or thru no fault of his own. he inflicted his violent end on her. I just dont think I could do it half as well as she is doing it. Im going to cut her a lot of slack on this one.

dej,

i'm sorry this has happened to your dd. she is an amazing young person to handle this the way she has.

blessings to her.

Heck, I'm proud of her too! Well, proud FOR her.