Bi-Polar Me
 

Just wanted to introduce my self, I'm Sadlyme. After 17 years of dealing with this, I don't know where else to turn but to the people who are Bi-Polar. Hoping to get answers, that I and my p-docs are missing. Hoping, praying to bear my soul so someone will understand.

I don't understand the years I've suffered with no help, I don't understand how you can walk into a p-doc and all of a sudden your Bi-Polar with ADD. I'm almost to the point of giving up, I found this forum. I read for hours the stories you had shared. The honesty with which each one was revealed. "Amazing". I hope I can be excepted here. I'm just frankly lost, with docs, wife and family the trapping of SSI, my world has no light at the end of the tunnel. Everywhere I turn I see a stop sign, I lay for days in bed just staring out the window. Thats me, hope you understand..

me

Hi sadlyme,

I want to welcome you to the forum, it's not easy getting a diagnosis, I myself resisited the dx of BP II from my first T, but after the second one told me she thought I was BP II then I had to start accepting it. When the medication she prescribed me helped I knew it was time to embrace what being BP means.

I wish I could say there is some positive aspect of the dx but I really can't. At least I am capable of writing...If I wasn't creative and able to express my feelings in my poetry an stories I would lose it. I often wonder what life would be like if I didn't write, but for whatever reason I don't have much of a choice in the matter, I just have to write or I get depressed. I am glad you joined us, I hope it helps to know you're not alone being sad and disppointed in finding yourself with this label/diagnosis. :(

The good news is medication can help and so can finding your outlet, whatever it might be, some people write like me and others read or listen to music to feel better. I have a son so I can't let myself lay in bed or he won't be taken care of, so I don't know what that's like anymore. I remember before the dx and before knowing why I got so darn depressed I would just lie around and cry until I couldn't physically cry anymore, the anxiety and panic ran rampant in my life and I was really suffering constantly.

I figure I might have to take meds for the rest of my life and if that is the cost of being stable so be it. Because on medication I have found a nice level where I am not depressed or nearly as anxious as I used to get. I can be happy with my life because of my son's light in my life, so that brings me much joy. I hope that you can find the place where you are stable and able to get out of bed and be content. It's hard to find, but when you do hang onto it and enjoy it, because it's stable times that you have tl remember when the bad times hit you. At least that is what I try to do. ;)

If you need to talk we're here for you sadlyme. :)

Hi, Sadlyme,

:welcome_sign:

Lots of people spend years before they have a proper diagnosis. Your experience is not uncommon.
The good news about bipolar is that it is treatable.


I hope that the stop signs go away.
It sounds like you have been taking some big steps on the road to good health.


Mari

Name
 

Hi and welcome to the forum. I can certainly understand your frustrations and feeling of trapped. The P-doc issues are so familar.

When in a life altering situation you lose the person you were and and recreate the new you. It is almost like grieving the loss of you and finding a person you are happy being...But, that is easier said thenm done. I think it takes us forever to refix, accept and try to walk in a new pair of shoes. Especially a pair that were not our first choice.

BUT about your name. sadlyme, makes a statement, how you feel. But here, you are Especiallyme.....
You are a special person really. Even in sadness you can still be kind, caring and heart opening. So you are special here.

I hope that you can find friends, support and some answers from the gang.
Dianne

Here I sit, laptop in hand wanting to get much needed sleep. But I know it won't happen. I have become afraid to fall to sleep for what lyes in my dreams. The same recurring nightmare over and over. Like my life, over and over stuck in a vacuum of depression and loneliness. The total isolation I live in has been created by myself. I try to tell people I want to break out, I've been here long enough. But my life keeps dragging along, empty. My God don't people think I want to get out of the fog. I guess like most people here if you good only put some-else in your place for a day, they would understand.

The meds I've tried them all, the ringing in my ears, headackes you know the rest. Sheer agatation! From the lowest of lows to the highest of highs. The mood stabizers just don't seem to work. I have to find a way to get out of this room I've shut myself in. It's my safe haven, does that make since? Wanting to get out but I'm a shut in.. I've often thought I've been sick so long, I don't know the real me anymore, am I afaird to see what comes out the other side?

Well it's almost 2am, time to go. Thanks for being here. ((Sadlyme))

DiMarie,
Just wanted to say thank you for your kindness, your right about making a complete life change. Do people just have to take you as you are after you recreate yourself? Like I said, I don't know the real me anymore. I just can't seem to get over the hump.

Hi,
I understand not wanting to go to bed for apprehension about what you will meet in your sleep. Sleep should be a relief and a way to regenerate for the next day. Too often, it doesn't bring those blessings.

I was diagnosed in 1988. Since then I have lowered my meds.
Right now I am on Verapamil (mood stabilizer) and Klonopin. They are mostly doing their job.
I wish I had more energy but before I was diagnosed I had a lot of mixed episodes. I am grateful to be out of that.

Dianne is right in that after diagnosis we go through a long phase of re-examining our life and mourning our old life. Therapists can help with this. So can writing/keeping a journal.
I had to mourn the plans I had for my life, the plans for the life that could have been.

What meds have you tried? Maybe people here have some good ideas that you can take to your pdoc.

Are you on meds now that are causing depression?

Can you go somewhere for a 20 minute walk? A walk can do amazing things to help the brain. Can you go out in the sunshine (depending on your weather)? Sunshine can be healing in many ways.

Keep writing.
You will find the real you. Keep faith.
M.

Meds-Whats Right?
 

Well I will share what my current pdoc has me on and see where it falls with the rest of you.

Depakote ER 1000mg @ Bedtime
Seroquel 300mg @ Bedtime
Seroquel 100mg X three per day
Lexapro 20mg @ 9am
Wellbutran 150mg @ 9am
Xanax 2mg X 2 per day
Ambien 10mg @ Bedtime
Ritalin 20mg X 2 per day

I'm a zombie, still no sleep, I can't function on this. I can't read a book the lack of concentration, it's a wonder I can sit and type. To be honest I don't know if this is the norm or the obscure. But I've been on most (MAOI's) (SSRI) and Triclads to no avail. maybe it's time for ETC.:eek:

So there it is blow it apart..

me

Hi and welcome. I know what you mean by the amount of meds you need just to function. I was on a bunch of meds before my dx in October now another was added.
I try and think that at least it was finally caught, about 20 years too late but at least it was caught. It is frustrating.
There are also days that I stare out the window and stare at nothing. Then there are days where I am fine.
Keep your head up and glad you found us!:hug:

Hi Sadlyme. Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time with the meds. I wish it wasn't so hard to find the right mix. sigh

I am BP and my son is BP with psychosis. He has been on just about everything as well and he is finally getting some relief on his current meds, but he is still REALLY fragile. If his health or his sleep habits change, he is manic and halucinating. Maybe I can give you some of our experience to think over?

Ritalin was a very poor drug for my son. It caused his first psychotic episode at 11 years old. Wellbutrin also caused him to go into a dissassociative state for a month or so. He was doing and speaking but had no idea what he was doing or where he was.

Seroquel worked for him for a very long time. But he finally burnt it out and is now on Abilify. He is still taking Depakote, which works well, but he has to take a second mood stabilizer (Lamictal) because he was breaking through the highest dose of the Depakote.

He hasn't tried the other drugs you listed, but I tried Lexapro without a mood stablizer, and I had a rotten experience. Got manic-y.

Nobody is the same. Our bodies all react differently. So just think on some of the things I've said and please don't adjust your meds without your pdoc. I would feel so guilty.

I would just love to help you from my and my son's experiences. That's all.

:hug:

Sunshine could help with the depression. We all seem to need a little more of it than other folks. ;)

Welcome sadly me.......I know it is tough to find out after many yrs that all of a sudden they say your BP. I too was shocked. Yet, once my meds kicked in, and they found the correct dosage, I started to feel better.

Then I looked back, and said to myself, that was me, I didn't like what I saw.
It is too bad that many have to wait (me in my 40's) to find the correct diagnosis.

I felt labeled. Now I have grown to accept it, and I know I handle things much differently. I hope you too will find that.

This is a great group of people here, understanding, accepting, caring, loving, and you will find a lot of information you need. So keep posting.

Hang in there, things will get better.

Hugs, Nikko:hug:

meds
 

Me,
I had a real problem with Lexapro making me insomniac. I had to lower the dose. It was days and I never slept.

I do wonder, are you seeing a specialist for the meds psych wise or is the pain doctor putting you on the all the medications.
I have to admit, my daughter was a a few, but not that many and not that high of a dose.

She was a chronic pain patient also. But, only one doc was making it seem her pain was from the emotional problems making it worse.
He pain was making her emotional problems worse is what it was.

How can one function in pain, then they try to medicate on the psych meds to help nerve pain and end up not giving the inflamatiries,, muscle spasms, or pain medications.
OR, is a PM pain doc of psych doc????

I think as difficult as it is you need to one, find a new pain doctor, and second see a specialist that perscribes for bi-polar,

One concern I have is when the meds made me so insomniac, could this be some of your problem.

I saw a specialist, chronic pain psychiritrist many years ago to rebuild my life. It took me about two years to get to the point I actually went back to school, retrained by getting my BA in criminal justice and sociology. I was a police cief, I loved my career, worked so very hard to attain the job....13 years of applying before I was even hired as a first female officer in the area.

I sure never wanted to be injured and out of work.
Then the anxiety/panic, the post trumatic stress, I was a mess. It is not a picinic, it is a merry go round...but isn't life?

So I would find someone too that you can sort out your thoughts, help focus on a plan, even a minimal plan...and to review the meds, consider if any are causing an escalation in your symptoms.

My daughter had psychotic episodes from Effexor, she had several voices telling her to contridictory things. She also had visual where things were happening not real in front of her. Like a plane Superman saved during 911had to be found by me to help right history..Also, paxil, proza SSRI had kept her from peeing, it wouldn;t allow the brain to trigger the release to pee....

So all the meds do not work for everyone. Some work against you instead of helping, others work wonders.
I did biofeedback, lots of talking, and figuring out where do I go from where I was.
I would not be the person I am today without the help of the psychiritrist I saw...he was a friend, truely inderstood those in chronic pain,
I was very lucky.
I hope today you can find some peaceful rest...
Dianne

hello sandlyme sorry to hear you are having such a hard time i am right now not as far down as you sound. but i have been that far down sounds like the meds should be working better, have you tries cymbalta? or prozac? the ambien may be making you so tired at night it carries in to the day? just a thought. meds can help and some hurt if you feel as bad as i think you do call you r doc change meds or the doseages. your doc should understand. like i said some meds can make you feel worse. this one i was on for add made me parinoid bad and anxiouse (sp). i know it's hard but try not to isolate yourself from your family they can be your strongest support system. when they understand and know how you are feeling. dose weather play a role in how you feel. are you ok for now. don't want to hurt yourself right. that won't help promise makes things worse.-shelly

I too wish to welcome you to these boards.
There are alot of other forums as well if you take a look at the listing on the first page...see if any of these might be an additonal support for you as well as here.
It is a shame that you have been suffering so long.
On paper you sure look like you are being overmedicated.
I am not a doctor at all jsut seems like it....Have you ever tried lithium? or lamictal?
I agreee with what has been said about trying to find a specialist, pdoc who specializes in bipolar.
I am bp1 tend to be toward the manic side, I presumme you are bp2 lean toward the depressive side...Is this right?
there is a good book out there that talks about how different dxs over lap and that it really is difficult to treat. like is your ADD really OCD?
It is called shadow syndromes.
there is alot of info at the sticky threads at the top of the page with good web sites and hot line numbers.
If you are feeling suicidal then there is a forum for that as well.
S.O.S. (survivors of suicide)....jsut a click away.
You will find people here from all around the world.
I wish you wellness.
(((HUGS))))
bizi

I to feel I'm over medicated, how much of this can you take and still breath? I see a p-doc not pain management doc. She is ready to revamp my meds. Or time to find another doc.. I got more help here, than the last year in therapy. It's, has you all know so darn hard to find a doctor, and cut thru the BS to see if he/she are going to help you. I'm so sick of "What brings you here today", like if I did'nt have a problem, DAH.

And yes I've been on the other drugs Bizi mentioned. For right now all I know is I have found a place I can talk openly about how I feel. That is a major help to me. You all care so much.. Thanks for that..

As far has pain control I'm of all meds, I ran thru everything you can thing of there also. RSD, ADD, Bi-Polar what a mix, no wonder they can't put a finger on it. Just want a life, any life.

Then my thoughts start to race about things I can't control, terrible voices in the night that wake me with a sweat. Has far has susicide, it's with me all the time, just unplug yourself and no more problem. But then my faith kicks in and I know what a selfish thing that susicide is. So I keep standing on the razor blade waiting to see how I wake up. I hope this makes since, I'm trying so hard to has open has I can, it's the only way for me to get help..


Mark

Would love to talk to you about this..



Mark

just wanted to add that ambien can have bad side effects, I knew someone that became suicidal jsut by taking this med...she takes lunsta now with out the freaky thoughts. Have you ever tried lunesta? It woeked for about a year and then quit so now I amtaking klonipin to sleep and this seems to be working for me.
I take lamictal, geodon and klonipin, ssri don't do well with me...went manic on prozac a few years back. welbutrin is the only real safe one for me.
I am going to bump up some threads for you.
hugs mark
bizi

you are taking uppers and downers at the same time, seroquel during the day is very sedating as is the xanax, 2mg is a big dose too.any way to reduce the seroquel during the day and skip the xanax during the day so you are taking sedating things only at night, and maybe stop the ambien altogether. klonipin acts longer than xanax...these are only suggestions to talk over with your pdoc. Have you ever taken risperdal? lexapro can cause insomnia in some folks.
try to create some normalcy around bed time, like same time each night, so stimulating activities before bed, light reading, fan for white noise.
I wish you a good nights sleep.
there are chat rooms too, many folks frequent them on a regular basisthe link is on the top bar onthe right.
I wish you wellness.
bizi

Dear Mark
Hold on. Things are going to get better. They are already starting to turn now that you have found us. http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/happy0034.gif
M.

Dear Mark,
If you think that you are being overmedicated, then you might be.
And if your psychiatrist is ready to revamp your meds, let her.

I'm guessing that she orginally tried to medicate you out of mania? Is that right? Were you manic when she first saw you?
Maybe she would be willing to help you lower the dose of one med at a time. You can always go back up on it. Do you see her often? Have her phone number for emergencies/concerns?


I used to have nightmares. Looking back, I wonder if I was experiencing an aspect of Sleep Paralysis

http://www.arts.uwaterloo.ca/~acheyne/S_P.html

I used to hear voices before sleep. I think that they were related to anxiety.

At one point, my pdoc had me on tons of meds but I was still anxious.
It took him 4 or 5 years to get the meds right.
It doesn't take most people this long to get straightened out! Thank goodness.

But I remember keeping keep handwritten charts and then typing them out for him for our appointments. I remember calling him in between appointments. I knew that we would find a solution. I knew that I was an important part of the team and that if I could find the right information to him, that he would eventually find the right medication for me. He did. I was right. Thank goodness.

Keep faith in yourself and in your ability to communicate with your pdoc.
You are worth the effort it takes to get better.

M.

have you tried lamictal or topamax as a mood stabilizer? Depakote only helped me to gain weight. Why xanax when I think the preferred anti anxiety pill is klonopin...it lasts longer for one. Ambien didn't work for me at all for sleep...seroquel turned me into a zombie but didn't make me feel better. in fact I think it made my symptoms worse. I got off of it fast. So far risperdal is the only antipsychotic that works for me. Geodon gave me side effects and so did Abilify but others have had great success with them.
my doctor was recommending ritalin to me but I declined....
I have great trouble sleeping too...I haven't gone to bed yet. I suffer from nightmares too. Lunesta didn't work for me nor did trazadone besides Ambien.
One of my friends suggested when it gets a little warmer to spend ten minutes in full sunlight....that might help sleep. I am trying to take my own advice and not stress myself over the lack of sleep...eventually a week or two later, I wind up taking a lot of naps for a couple of days...
I don't get on myself for lying on the couch and just reading or listening to music. I don't watch tv because it irritates me. I have been spending most of my life the past year just reading and listening to music on the couch. I have tried to remove as much stress from my life as possible. As a result, my lows are generally less low and I recover quicker from severe depression. Whatever you do don't beat yourself about not having energy(also a big side effect from the drugs) or lying down all the time. You are being productive in that you are sparing yourself from stress and giving your brain chemistry to start healing. That should be your number one through ten agenda....You should try not to worry about anything....a lot of us have gone through what you are going through or still going through it....I think a lot about death but no longer do I think of active suicide...
I have come to the conclusion that being bipolar is a gift from the great unknown since it has the potential to bring us closer to the great unknown...and to realize that most things in life are trivia anyways....trivia is boring and non fulfilling....I know it is hard to focus on loving when one feels so burnt out and sleep deprived....it is so easy to become unattached when one is feeling wretched....
i rambled enough
just try to make it through one minute at a time...try to be as gentle with yourself as possible...YOU WILL FEEL BETTER EVENTUALLY...IT IS WORTH IT
bobby

Stay and talk to us. We will listen. :grouphug:

Well I fired my P-doc Today!
 

:p I went in and the same old BS came out, she did'nt want to here about changing of my meds, it was a misunderstanding. She wanted to increase everything. Needless to say with little sleep I was ready to fire back. I try to keep my composure with these people but sometimes enough is enough.

Now the search is on once again to find someone I can relate to.. So I'm out here on a limb looking thru the phone book. I have to see my primary care doc, so maybe he can shed some light on the subject.

I've thought about seeing a PM P-Doc, but they will just thru me back into the narcs again which I won't do.. So the day has been crazy, I could punch a hole in the wall, but I'd have to just fix it. Just call me maxed out..

that is great news...she really sounded like bad news....I was finally lucky and have been going to a clinic for almost six years...my doctor is superb and an idealist...before I would have poo pooed(sp) a clinic. My GP works in another clinic and she is also an idealist and superb...
Bobby

Just trying to peice this together.
Were you given a diagnosis of BP 1or 2?
Did your old pdoc give you scripts at least?
It is hard to find a new pdoc and could take a while.
Have you considered the idea of being admitted to get off everything and slowly start anew.....
I really feel for you and will be waiting to hear of a new pdoc that you will be seeing soon I hope.
I wish you wellness.
bizi

Keep searching and you will find one that you click with. I've fired a few because they wouldn't listen either. And said the same, just up this and up that. I had enough. Now finally I have a keeper. I almost fired her a couple weeks ago when she said I "didn't" want to get better. Now I realize I "need" her.

The right one is out there for you. I just think you need a fresh start.

Bi-Polar II, yes they gave a myriad of meds.. I just got out of the hospital 3 months ago. But that didn't help. If you wanted to sit in your room all day that's where they left you.. Maybe 15 minutes with a resident thats all. I know it's going to be hard to start over. When I hear it took some of you 4-5 years to find someone I don't know if I can last that long.. You will think I'm crazy but I would rather have anything but a mental problem. Thats bad to say I know, but I am honest.. I'm beginning to feel like a burden here, all I do is complain.

Take Care,

Hi,
Only one person said it took 4-5 years. That was me. http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/jumping0022.gif

My very first pyschiatrist dx'd me as bipolar and made a lithium plan during my first appointment.

The lithium was a bad choice for me but once I was put on it, the other pdocs didn't think to take me off it. --Hence the 4-5 years until I got a decent med plan.


Most people get straightened out pretty well fairly soon after the dx.
M.

I ditto what Mari said...we really welcome people opening up...it helps us too..
Bobby
bipolar II

this is a support group, talk, vent, complain, we all do it at one point or another.
You are not alone in this...we are here.
((((HUGS)))
bizi

Lose of another friend!
 

Late last night I got the news of a friend of mine who just could'nt take the world any more. She was a young women lost in the trappings of pain, manic depression, and lost her will. I am rocked to my soul.. I'm sitting here questioning my own salvation. Why, did she take here life?

I have ran the gamete of all emotions over the hours since I heard, I' m just angry now, is that the right way to feel? I had just posted on the board about my complaining, you all came back and said let it out thats what were here for. Then this!

Just don't know what else to say, I hope and pray Gods grace is shown around her. She's no longer in pain........................:grouphug:

:hug: i am so sorry for your loss of of a friend mark. suicide leaves behind so much hurt.

we do have a wonderful group of supportive people on our Survivors of Suicide Forum. it's for people who have been left behind, those who have thought about suicide or tried.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=29

being angry is a very normal emotion. so is guilt. we are here for you mark.

:hug: I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend Mark. It's alright to be angry, to be sad, to grieve. Don't internalize it, let it out and keep talking. :hug:

Hello,
I'm very sorry that you lost your friend.
i hope that you have someone in real life to talk to.
This is so very sad.

Anger is good.
You can feel and express any emotion you have.
Mari

again ditto Mari. I am so glad you are feeling anger. I felt anger when my soulmate hung himself. He suffered from depression. To this day I never allowed myself to feel the pain.
I think a lot of us are very stubborn and no matter how badly the depression gets to us we don't want bipolar to win. Also I also believe there is no exit.
When I have gotten really furious, I put some dishes in a bag and then smashed them on the floor. I once had a wonderful dream where I smashed all the breakables in the kitchen and then when I woke up i realized it had been a dream but I actually felt some relief.
when it rains, it torrents...keep on posting....eventually you will feel at least a tiny bit of relief.

Oh Dear Bobby,
I forgot about your loss of your soulmate... if you told us about it.
I'm very sorry.
Mari

Oh bobby, I did not know of this either...
I am so sorry sweetie...
((((HUGS))))
bizi
I told you I lost my brother this way...
suicide affects so many people around us and for so long...forever.

Vail of BP II
 

The Vail of Manic Depression,
My Story


It’s been since 6/23/88, the injury, the CRPS that followed. I thought I was handling; it was handling me. I was in denial. The operations, miss-diagnosis’s, the pain of it all, sent me spiraling out of control, still out of control. All the doctors did was thru meds. Dr. Broadnax did a spinal block for seven days; the pain was still there. I clearly remember him slamming his clipboard down on the desk in-frustration. After five operations, pain management countless numbers of doctors, it was over for me. Try has I may, I cannot get out from under the cloud of darkness that is surrounding me.

Depression coincides nicely with pain. They play of each other like a tennis match, one minute up twenty, then three aces come right back at you. The manic depression will get you every time.

The absolute loneliness, isolation, I cannot explain the sheer despair my life has become. I’m finding out by my own doctors are lost. The things average people don’t think twice about, and it get down in an hour, take me a week, and it’s still not right. Always reaching, but can’t grab the ring. The ringing in my ears, shakes, night sweats and the most horrific nightmares, are with me. Darkness, panic, dying, suicide are all there. I can sit for hours staring at my computer, and not hit a key. Or go on Outlook and wait for an e-mail to answer. Begging someone to write.

The weight of depression wears you do to the point of shut down, total collapse. To the point of the smallest things can’t be done. Taking a shower, general things you do everyday, takes me all day. By the time I’m done, I’m exhausted. I get to breakfast, lunch whatever. I will sit at the counter and it will take me an hour or more, just to pour a bowl of cereal. That’s manic depression.

My three favorite F-words are, failure, family, and friends. Family, I’ve destroyed, friends I’ve lost. Who wants to be around a sick person depressed person?

The destruction of core family with a person who has an under lying problem like CRPS, then depression is terrifying. To the person afflicted, who is always trying to please and be there, can’t. To the members of his/her life they constantly let them down. To paraphrase: I couldn’t count on him/her for anything. Understandable when I can’t do it myself. The horror of losing key people in my life you will never know. I’m the burden, do you think I want this passed to my children. I can tell you now, that won’t happen.

I have been lucky in love, no words have ever been written to explain my feelings for her. I won’t even try, she knows. Children and grandchildren have blessed this home. I thank God for that. Lost of a child to the secular world, a walking death. To be astringed from a child you gave birth to, prayed and cared for, cannot be put to paper. Everyone say’s drop it and go on, so easy to say. I pray every night for this to be taken from me; it’s in Gods hands now. That’s all I can say.


My parents, I have been blessed and know I‘m loved. To be raised in a Christian household, is what’s holding, the little I have left together. My sister, and her husband have such great careers; moving on through their lives, just wish I could have been along for the ride.

Once I got off the pain meds, I thought surly I would bounce back after the fog of narcotics had lifted. Not to be for me, yes I’m in pain all the time, but the depression has enveloped my soul. To the point I was, am questioning my salvation.

The MAOI’s, Tricyclic Antidepresants (TCA’s), Serotiorin Reuptake Inhibitors, have all been elusive. These drugs do not work for me. Once again I have been told I’m non-responsive. What’s next, electro-shock, deep brain stimulation of area 25? All the research I have done say the longer it’s pro-longed, the longer the trip back. I ask a Dr. so what’s worst? You snap and in up in a rubber room, or pull the trigger and get it over. Quote “sorry I can’t make that decision, only you know how you feel about the loved ones in your life”. You see I don’t believe in God or heaven, faith is just a verb to me.

So as I told you today, I lost another. My forth friend in 16 years, what am I to do? Where do I turn? You have all heard this before I feel like I’m odd man out.

I still can’t conceive of letting me be me, with all the baggage and destruction I’ve cost. Don’t want you to think I’m talking in circle’s it’s just the way it poures out of me.

Please bear with me......