called tdoc. told her to call me in the a.m.
 

Hi, :Heart:

I left a message just now with tdoc about being very frightened.
I told her to either call me between 9 to 11:00 a.m. or leave a message to help me.

I told her that I think I can sleep tonight and I think I can go into work in the morning. I do need real help from her.

Thank God that hubby is awake at the moment. He can help me calm down and get to sleep -- especially if I do not tell him what is going on. http://www.easyfreesmileys.com/smileys/sleep-058.gif

M

Whats going on? TDoc - is that therapist? Sorry to hear that you can't sleep and are anxious. I'm grateful too for a supportive husband. I don't know if I could manage this roller coaster alone.

Hi, Ms Manic,


Yes, "tdoc" is my therapist. I do not see her often but we did a phone session about three weeks ago.

I used to get images and people that were scary. Yesterday, they came back. I got one thatI felt like was trying to kill me.

It was during mediation. I was doing what tdoc taught me to do --- breathe, be quiet. I was playing "Wherever You Go, There You Are" Jon Kabat-Zinn . . . . it is a guided meditation . . . . breathe, . . . think about your big toe, . . ..now put your focus on your other toes, . . ..breathe.
I was almost 20 minutes into that.


When it hapenedd, I stopped.
Later, it became a bigger deal.
My bed time, I was uncertain if I could go on.

I am tired of this.

She is not going to call. I wish she would call or at at least leave a message for me. Sbe is helpful when she says something.

M

tdoc called
 

I told her what happened during my meditation.

She said that those things happen sometimes (often) when people try to do this by them selves. (I have been trying this for years off and on??)

People in the East who have done this their whole lives can do this. The rest of us need a guided meditation.

She said to think about my breathing with my eyes open and for short periods of time.
We both decided that maybe I could do this for 5 mins at a time three times a day and then try to get into see her before Dec 17 when she goes out of town.

M

=-=-
Perhaps I should do chanting that some Buddhists taught me. Maybe I am more suited to that.


I am lost. BUt I am less frightened now that she spoke to me.

Scary stuff. I'd be concerned too. Hope you're able to sleep tonight.

Oh Mari, Im so sorry !!! it sounds stressful !!

It is interesting though.... I mean, meditating can indeed take us to another level.... :eek: I have never been able to meditate, properly I mean, but my dreams, my so vivid dreams.... can be really scaring... What I want to say is, brain is... WEIRD !!!

Take care Mari !! try to think they are in your "imagination"

Dear Mari
 

I'm so sorry that you are feeling frightened. I hope that you feel better soon. BF:hug::hug::hug:

I am really glad that your tdoc called you back and helped explain what was going on.
It sounds terribly frightening. Rest when you can.
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

This frightening stuff has been going on since I was six.
I am mostly convinced that the stuff is real.

Tdoc tried to b.s. me so that I would be o.k. until we see each other in 5 weeks.
I am tired of a life time of this.

M

I know what you mean Mari. I'm tired of a life time of it to. The imaginations,and pictures in the thoughts are hard to control. Then when your emotions grip you with these thoughts,and imaginations just makes it worse.

.....But....You will be better soon. BF:hug::hug::hug:

dear mari, I did not know that this was a pattern for you. sorry that yoou have to deal with this as well as your other issues.
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
bizi

Thank you.
 

Yes, it is a long term pattern for me and perhaps why I do not like to sleep.

M

Steve,

I am sorry that you deal with that.

I wonder how our lives might have been different. Sometimes -- like today -- I have regret.
Regret is probably not useful, but today that is where I am.

M

I have only had scarey visions when I was psychotic. Do you think it could be your bipolar acting up?
bizi

I do not know, Bizi.
I do not know if it is related to my bipolar or what.
It could be weird thing where I dream even though I am not asleep.
BUT if so, that does not explain everything.

M

I'm like Bizi. I only hallucinate when I'm psychotic. Risperadol fixes it for me.

Funny story. In my thirties, when I was manic I was sure that someone was breaking into our home, bugging our phones etc. I was a busy mom with a bunch of little kids and I kept seeing people in the house so it was pretty crazy. We came home from town one day to find the house trashed. There were clothes on the floor, stuff all over the place, it was a mess. I turned to my husband and said, "See, I told you. They've been here again." He looked at me and sighed, "Honey, it's always like this."

We laugh about it now but it was tough at the time. The worse was that I thought I recognized some of the visions so I would accuse people. Wouldn't it be nice if we could keep the crazy to ourselves when we're manic?

http://www.easyfreesmileys.com/smileys/lol-045.gif
Hi,

Thank you for the laugh today. This cracks me up.

Yes. It would be good to find a way to keep the crazies to ourselves ---especially at work -- hubby is used to it somewhat --- coworkers and others not so much.

M

meditation, tapping the psyche, and dreams
 

Dear Mari

I honestly do not believe your vision (i refuse to call it a hallucination in this case) was due to bipolar or a psychotic symptom.

When you meditate, assuming you use deep, slow breathing your brain waves will slow to a frequency typically similar to stage one sleep (alpha waves). It is possible to slow them even more. And btw, while REM dreams do have particular characteristics, we dream in ALL stages of sleep. So a "vision/dream" is entirely plausible.

Meditating, your psyche is more open ... this is part of what meditation does for you. It can go places you don't know existed... and don't expect, just like in dreams.

Listen to your tdoc. others have told me the same thing about getting a guide, especially if we have difficult territory in our subconcious, or might not have the skills to cope with it on our own. a guide would keep you "safe."

I think perhaps the only "bipolar" thing about this event is the high intensity of fear you experienced from it. And even that may not be due to bipolar, if it is linked to an early trauma.

----------------

as for the actual vistion it could be symbolic. (eg: Jungian interpretation might be that your male persona was becoming too strong... threatening to overpower the "whole Mari.") If you are convinced it is real, it may be linked to early trauma. If so, it is probably in your best interest to work with someone to investigate that with caution - and yes it takes courage. But if you don't, it will keep festering and retain power over you. Only when you bring it into the light can you reclaim your own power over it.

I am so sorry about these frightening experiences. It is good you've pegged down the age range when it started to happen.

(((:heartthrob: hugs :heartthrob: )))

~ waves ~

ps. once i dreamed someone was at me with a knife. They had me by the sleeve already and... i was shaken awake... by an earthquake. i still dunno what mine meant - i think earthquake was coincidence, but was relieved to be awoken by any means and i am NOT curious how that dream would have ended! :eek:;)

I hope your upcoming days are peaceful. i send you white light to protect you... even from your visions. ;)

Waves,

That is amazing/awesome -- being awakened from a violent dream by an earthquake.

Yeah, I hope to have quiet experiences. I usually request peace.

M

Waves,

What happened while I was meditating was similar to what you say here.

I was listening to Jon Kabat-Zinn do a guided meditation. I was sitting up right in my computer chair.

I am certain it is not due to early trauma. Trauma has already been explored by two long time therapists (1st one worked with me for 8 years, the current one has worked with me for 7 years.)

For now, I am going to convince myself that it was a dream.

Often I tell myself when I go to bed at night that I do not wish to remember the dreams in the morning. That works. I have no memory of most dreams. I know nothing of my dreams.


One of the points of meditation is to be open but not too open. That is what I thought. ?? ?
In a few days I will try to meditate again doing something different.

M

Hey Mari I am loaded with regret. There are things that I cannot change. I regret the past. I have regrets about relationships in the past that are lost due to my condition. I regret the way my life has come to a standstill because of trauma. I regret that I'm not doing what I love.((Working in science))

I never feel at ease,well most of the time. I'm not at peace around people. I regret this. I'd like to,but I was bullied when I was a kid,and at military school. I'm intimidated by people in general. I feel like I'm being watched,and judged. I just want to get away from people in general.

I've had panic before sleep,and while waking up at times. I'd panic on the phone,when a doorbell rings,when someone knocks on the door,while at the store,and etc.,etc.etc.. I feel confined when I'm in the shower,and have allergy attacks sometimes,and gag. My shower is clean though.

I'd probably have a wife,and kids. I would have wanted to finish college,and been a scientist. I'm fascinated with many sciences. I wanted to be an Astronomer when I was a kid.

With all of these things,and more,I'm loaded with regret. I hear people saying that they don't regret things in movies,and television,but that is not how it is with me. I dread the morning coming sometimes.

I can identify with what you say thoroughly. BF:hug::hug::hug:

It's like a concrete (fortified) imagination of something bad happening I think.
I think that it's phobia related with me. With me it's also obsession that I try to dismiss. Sometimes I can do something that I like in a hobbie,and get my mind off of it.

Sometimes I can't get my mind off of it,and I have to let it fade away,while getting clobbered with other thoughts that I have to let fade away also.
I sometimes write them down. Sometimes they are false guilt burdens(This is my own terminology),then I'll get another one.

These things are very complicated,and feel real. When it first begun,it was as if a black cloud was moving over me. Horrible. This is where emotionally normal people stop comprehending what I am saying. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Each of us has a personal emotional (finger print) that is going to be different then anyone else in the world,when it comes to mental health issues,though some of our problems will be similar.

We may understand bit's,and pieces of another persons mental health issues. One thing is for sure. All mental health issues suck,and we can help each other out as best as we can through these ruff times.

We all know that these mental health issues are very real,and are just as difficult as physical problems.

We can fight for the right to be equally treated as physically ill people. If the government cut's funding to the emotionally ill in clinics,and etc.,there's enough data for them to look at to not discriminate,and cut funding. There is still discrimination when it comes to mental health challenges. We have been called fruits,flakes,nuts,damaged goods,and etc.,etc.. Is there a attitude out there where they are saying who cares about them? I'm sure that there is.

Steve,

:hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug:
I notice that some of us have certain times of the day that are better or worse than others.
Let me say that you are doing a great job holding on and facing what you have. You are handling your day to day and finding ways to think through the past.


You describe what goes on very well. If the other folks cannot understand, they are missing out.


The government cares about us somewhat. It chooses not to spend money appropriately.

M

Mari Thank you very much for the complements,and thank you for the encouraging words. BF:hug::hug::hug:

It's true about the way health professionals treat the mentally ill. Some treat us as though we are interesting bugs they get to prod with a prescription stick. We have a state of the art psychiatric ward near where I live. Very friendly, welcoming etc. The nurses station is sound proof counter to ceiling plexiglass. When you need one of them you stand at the counter and wait patiently with the rest of the outsiders until the healthy ones finish up their conversation and open the window. Seriously? Who dreamed that one up?

strange offices
 

Yeah, I would like to know what that is about.
My pdoc's office is set up such that when I enter, I see the office person at her desk behind the partition, but one is not supposed to tap on her window and there is no bell. We gave to stand until she gets around to opening the plexiglass.
It is so weird but since I have been going there for so many years, I forget how weird it is.

M

I can't tap on the glass either but we do have a bell!they are good at opening up the window.
bizi