Is it really true - the only one I can change is ME?....
 

[F]For over a year now, I have been working the most difficult, challenging job of my life. In 2006 I volunteered to be a part of a "pilot project" for my HUGE internet company.

Although the intent of the project was to offer "education" and "help" with regards to the use of our internet presence, it immediately became a dumping ground for many irrational, angry people.

I liken my job to that of an internet chat room monitor - except that this "project" involves allowing those "invited to participate" to phone us.

Yesterday I had to explain to member#1 (from VA) that it was OK for member#2 (from somewhere else in the US) to potentially make $$ by marketing the massacre. I must tell member#1 that "according to site policy" it isn't distasteful. The man I spoke with was thankfully very kind and knew that I was not the policy maker. We spoke at length about our world, our countries (mine Canada, his US) and people.

That is the crux that determined, for me, that I could not go into work today. I am exhausted, beat up and drained ... I simply cannot rise to the challenge and so here I sit... near noon, 3 cups of coffee and still not showered or dressed... I pour it out...

One day a man called... he was sobbing... told me that he was in stage 3 cancer, just got home from the hospital and discovered we had banned him from using our site...
why, it turns out... his 43 year old son came "home" while he was in the hospital, robbing his wife and him of their dignity, their personal possessions and money... and the reason for his call to me: the loss of his privileges to use our website (a consequence of his son stealing his account).

Another time, a man in his 30s called... I quickly review the previous notes with regards to his calls - the subject titles all contain words like "abusive" "angry" "swearing" "rude"... I brace myself -- the call escalated to the point that he was screaming in my ears, yelling so loud... I disconnected the call. I was very upset that a person like this was allowed to call us - and couldn't understand why management wouldn't cut him out of our "pilot project". I reviewed a previous email from this person. In it he said that we have the wrong number on file for him (not admitting it was his responsiblity to change the number) and because of that, his x-girlfriend received a call. He said that the x had a restraining order against him!! Yet, he's allowed to call us!

Over the year I have gained more weight than I have ever been - none of my clothes fit... I have no energy... I have taken a 2 wk stress leave without pay and because our company plan doesn't cover "stress" I couldn't afford to take any more time... my apartment is in shambles - I don't change the cat litter or sweep the floor - dishes are everywhere... my meds have been upped... and for the first time, I've thought whats the point of living anymore... thoughts... yet, not serious, so please, please know I am not planning anything and won't do anything... I'm just telling you about a place I have never been before...

I have been "disciplined" at work for being vocal about how detrimental this project is to the employees (we have lost 1/2 our staff! they just quit - and I am seeking another job - thank God I have a connection) - and although I believe phone support is necessary - I also know that we do not have the training or skills to deal with the calls that escalate to the point that its obvious the person on the other end of the phone has some serious mental issues. I am approximately 25 years older than the average employee in my company. My life's experiences have taught me that I cannot change others, I can only change myself... and that being said, I still do my damdest to speak out when I see a wrong that could be righted.

And so, here I am today, my friends... reaching out for anything you can give me... I need a push, I need to get back into talk therapy, I need to get out on that beautiful seawall... I need to clean up my insides and outsides.

This is just the start...
xo Addy
(and PS - just so you know I'm not completely depleted... I am still singing in my wonderful chorus, went to Stars on Ice the other night, bought some new clothes that fit to feel pretty, AND on Monday I received a call to say I have passed the testing and now wait for the call for the final interview (a gov't job and union!... keep your fingers crossed for me)[/FONT]

Sounds like a major stressor & burn out.
-Sometimes you just have to step back and recharge your batteries once in awhile.

And best of luck with the interview.

{{{addy}}}

abuse is abuse. it doesn't matter if it comes from somebody you know..or stangers on the phone.

that is what has put in this state of mind. it is only natural for you to retreat. to get depressed.

sea air. yep. help clear your mind and your heart. give yourself a chance to regroup.

don't worry to much about your apartment. you can take that one step at a time. it doesn't have to be tackled all at one time. but...changing the litter box before the cat attacks you might be a good thing. :wink:

keep singing addy. keep that joy in your heart. that does change others. :D i wonder how many people after they have ogtten off the pohone with you realized how abusive they were and made a point to handle themselves as compasionelty and with as composure as you did on their next call? i think you have changed others. i hope those who read your post and have treated people on the phone horrible...learn and change.

you did the first step. cleaning out your thoughts and putting them down here. very hard to do. something i need to take myself to task about. :o

i've got the good thoughts and prayers going up for you to get the job. :)

:hug:

Addy

It's hard to support a position that goes against your own. It's hard to hear all those sad stories and not be able to do anything about them. It's hard to take being spit at, knowing it's not your fault.

I've had two major jobs. One at a hospital in pediatrics/pediatric education, the other at a corporate office in the meat industry.

The hospital job included unbelievably sad stories every day. It was stressful, but rewarding. Only once did I have to deal with an angry mom. She thought I cashed her insurance check covering the cost of my boss' hospital services. She really got nasty with me. I was really angry with her too for thinking I'd risk my job for her silly check, but I couldn't say anything until I found out what happened to that check. Turned out the hospital cashed the check that was supposed to go to us. I wanted to be just as nasty when I informed her, but I couldn't because we cared for her kids - wasn't their fault.

The other job at the corporate office was assistant to the president. The hours were very long, I had to be extremely organized and know every detail, but the job was easy. All I had to do was snap my fingers, and people would jump through hoops for me - an awesome job for someone on a power trip.

However, the job was draining my soul. My boss ruled with an "iron fist" and treated his people like dirt. He never did it to me, but he would have enjoyed it immensely. He didn't have the chance because I was always a step ahead of him, lol. It was a game to me because I knew how much he hated to bow down to me and say "thank you."

What hurt me was seeing him treat his employees like drones to be used and abused. It bothered me to watch them sacrifice themselves and their families for the almighty dollar. I realize money is necessary, but I refuse to worship money or sacrifice my family or morals for money. I packed up my stuff one morning and walked out, and I've never regretted that decision.

It sounds like you spend your entire day taking in negative energy in one form or another - from good and bad people. It's no wonder you're about to explode! Are you absolutely certain it's weight gain??? :p

I hope you'll be able to find some relaxing moments to breath in some fresh air and take in a little beauty around you. Maybe it will give you the strength to spit out those thorns properly. If not, one of them might get you - then we'll have to sit through a news story about a lady up north who flew around the room like a deflated balloon. :rolleyes: :D

Ahhhhh, Addy -- I'll be wishing you the best - you certainly deserve it - and
http://bestsmileys.com/fingers/1.gif

well Addy
Looks like the nonsense we went through together is now in your personal life. Don't let it stress you because as it was elsewhere it is not worth it.

Glad lyou are still around thelma

((((((Addy)))))),

http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MIN...bears-mini.gif

Yeah, it's true -- you can only change your own reactions to situations.

You know that phrase, "shrink to fit"?? <<-- sometimes in your life, you figure out "YOU DON'T WANT TO FIT".

Seems like you learned a very important lesson from this job.

Good luck on the job hunt :hug:

Barb

Let It Go
 

Addy,
I honestly cant add anything to what has already been said. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are an amazing peson with a big heart. Take time out for yourself. You certainly deserve it.
{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}
vicky

Hi everyone! Your outpouring really has helped me - thank you thank you thank you!

The kitty litter is changed (whew! and eeeewwww!)

Thank you all for sharing your prespectives. Thelma - you are so right... I am repeating history and altho I felt I learned my lesson in futilty - I truly thought this time would be different. I actually think that what I learned from my experiences here have been very helpful in understanding where people's anger might come from. Sadly, though, I didn't realize I don't have the energy to save the floundering.

Abuse, in any form, is unacceptable. Yep, Jo, this is major burnout... and a place I've never been. KathyM - I wish it was air that filled me and not fat - lol... but I love your input and understanding.

I truly look forward to the day I can walk in that office, pack up my desk and say Adios Amigos... or whatever...

today I'm off to a rehearsal in the afternoon then a performance tonight... my apartment is half clean and my spirits have lifted tremendously! thanks to you guys and gals.

Hugs to you all :grouphug:

((((Addy))))

What would life be like without voices making themselves heard. :Soapbox: :Demonstration:

I hear you loud and clear. We could compare living quarters if you like and then maybe you would feel better. I live in a pigsty. I no longer clean. I do dishes when I run out of stuff to eat on. It's pretty...well pathetic, but I'm hoping the energy strikes me sometimes. So...I understand that.

ahhh... Doody :hug: - thanks for sharing this. I've noticed you talk about "it" (the mess we live in) and I think... wow, why has this happened to us? I would be absolutely mortified if someone knocked on my door - I would pretend I am not home.

I remember when I had a 5 bedroom/3 bathroom home - 3 boys, a husband, cat and dog.... every room was well taken care of - EXCEPT my own little ensuite bathroom... it was a disaster zone ... the only place I felt was my own.

I wonder if all our energy is taken on pretending and keeping our outside "mess" as perfect as we can dare try to make it... while in the meantime, our insides (mentally, physically, and inside our homes) is a disaster zone.

The medication I take for my depression has caused me to balloon - but without these meds, I would fall apart. My sister was prescribed the same med over a year ago (hers was pulled off the market) and she has ballooned... my tiny little sister - grew to my size. We finally put 2 and 2 together. She is going off the mediation - I dream to make the decision but know it would be disastrous for me.

I put off paying my bills (even when the money is in the bank), I put off doing my taxes (even though I'll get a refund), I put off cashing in my company shares (even though it would clear my credit card debt!)

I know this is my depression... and I know I am surviving. And another thing I know is that I MUST remove the daily triggers of anger and abuse out of my life - my job. I have managed to pacify and turn many people into understanding that they aren't as mad at my company as they are at themselves for their foolish/greedy/vulnerable/poor decisions. I'm simply exhausted and drained... I am sick of being a hero. It has turned my world inside out.

I cannot tolerate people yelling at me. It is inexcusable.
I cannot tolerate being the target of anger. I did nothing.
I cannot put myself in their place - because I would never be in their place.

:grouphug: thanks everyone... this is helping me a ton...

I phoned in sick to work on Friday - my friends are telling me to take a stress leave again (and to concentrate on getting the new gov't job) - but of course, I'm afraid that if the new job caught wind that I was on a stress leave, they would avoid me ... aaarrrgghhhh

xoxo for now my friends,
Addy

Addy

I boast about quitting that corporate job because it was a clean break, although my boss caught me walking out the door. There was no arguing, no crying, no pleading to stay that would turn into it being my fault for leaving. When I told him sternly I was going home, he asked if I was coming back - asked if I wanted to talk about it. I calmly told him "no," then turned my back and walked out. I never spoke with him again.

Oooooh, I was so proud of myself. Fear struck when I realized future interviews would be difficult, especially if they were able to contact my boss directly. He would have also instructed their Human Resources to say something nasty. I had references from two senior vice presidents, but they both walked out too - one went back to California, the other to Wisconsin.

I decided to take my chances and be honest. I said the same thing you said. I couldn't support him yelling at everyone - it's inexcusable. I couldn't support him taking out his anger on his employees to feed his power trip - they did nothing to deserve his ridicule. I couldn't put myself in their place, because financial wealth shouldn't be the only goal in life - or a reason to sacrifice life.

I got right back into the hospital where I used to work, working in Administration. They could have easily looked up my previous work record. Some of them knew me, but the people I interviewed with didn't know me from Eve - so I hope it wasn't clout that got me back in.

The woman I worked for had a heart of gold, and it was an honor to work for her. Even stressful days were good days because we were on the same page where it counts.

I'm not sure what type of government job you're going for, but I don't see how your reason for leaving is bad - unless their looking for the heartless-greedy-gambler type. :p If they were to get wind of you taking a stress break, it would only show you're more than ready to move on and work for them. :cool:

Thought I'd just toss in my bid for the day. :D

KathyM... you make sense for me... thanks for that!

Well, actually, you ALL :hug: have made sense for me.

I've experimented with removing the things I enjoy - my chorus, my friends, my sons, my personal upkeep, entertaining, cleaning. They are my sanity- my life line... and I'm struggling to hold on to all of them...

and instead, I hold on to an abusive job.

duh

I can't hold onto this abusive job any longer... internally, its a mess.

and so am I.

It it is to be, its up to me.

stay tuned ... xo Addy

(((Addy))) One thing I do know is that we are creating more mental stress for ourselves by not cleaning. Cluttered homes clutter the mind, I think. :Crowded:

And the job. Lordy, working for bullying, abusive people is so depressing and you wonder which way to turn. I had a union to turn to twice and placed in different offices and ended up going through 3 abusive bosses. No, it wasn't me. One was disciplined and ended up moving. That bassard was so bad he even locked my office door to yell at me and pounded his finger on me to make his point. Only one of many awful things he did. The other boss was forced to retire, and the 3rd...well, she's still there but now I work for HER boss and learned I'm not the only one disgusted with how she treats people. And, finally, in an office that's pleasant. I just want to sit and stay there until I can retire.

Things snowball and undermine the depression we already have going on in the first place.

I'm sorry about your antidepressant. So many of those darned things do that. You and I talked about Paxil wayyyy back when in BT EIGHT years ago! That stuff put weight on me like a houseafire. Getting off it required months of titration but I finally did it and went on....I just forgot. :rolleyes: Oh, Cymbalta. My jury is still out on it even after a year and a half, but I have taken off 14 of those Paxil pounds.

My daughter struggles with weight from an antidepressant as well.

You have a lot going on, and I can just see your little arms and legs a flailing outside that snowball rolling down the hill. :winky: The collective snow will melt away and you'll come out a little bruised but ready to go again.

I hear ya on the homefront. I went for months not even answering my phone. Best friends would call and I would not answer. The only people coming into my home were my parents or my daughter. Depression can suck the life outta ya.

Isn't it nice to know, though, that people here really care. I hope that helps.

:hug:

Addy,
My goodness let it go!! It was like I was in your head, what a rush.. You are so true about the people on this board, they are the best. Like I told Shelly; this our common ground. We have nothing to fear here.. We all know where your at, and fight it every minute..

Peace,

Dear Addy
I don't have words of wisdom..I just wanted to say that i hope you are able to stop struggling soon and make the right choice .
The "right choice" for your peace of mind,that is.

I gave you and Doody thanks,even though everyone has made some very good points.
I wanted to let ya'll know that you have helped me understand some things{in my life} in reading your posts!
So,i wanted to thank you both...
Take things one day at a time,even though you need to think about your future..Don't spend all of your "time off"dwelling too hard on it.Afterall,your suppose to be resting!
Take care
:hug:

I repeat Addy...it isn't easy to be a hero and say NO! You have to be your own advocate ....everywhere. Venting here is great but in real life we can't "unring" that bell

It's hard to break bad habits but you owe it to yourself, regardless of getting the new job...to get rid of that stress. :hug:

I'm fighting today... didn't go into work
instead, I am working on the mental clutter.

I can't thank you all enough for the pushes and encouragement and support.

Kell - thanks for the thanks... even if we haven't walked the same path - we still learn and grow from supporting and reading here in this forum

:grouphug:

A lot of thoughts going through my head - and I'm prioritizing.

((Addy)) Sure hope you don't feel pushed by anyone here! You already know all too well all we really can do is share and hope something we say helps.

Now...in our delicate conditions :winky: you may not be interested in this place, but it's pretty great if you can get through it. It's called Fly Lady and it supposedly can help people like us with 'clutter' problems. I was going to write to the creator at one time and ask her how it applied to people with severe depression issues, but I didn't. http://www.flylady.net/

Hugs.

it was me. i mentioned the cat box.

:o

Curious..you are a jewel....! Yes, it must have been the CAT BOX! *grin

:wink:

well..from one animal to another...i was worried about the cat. :p

i wish i could just hop in my car and be there addy. i know me coming wouldn't really help...deep down. i love to clean and organize. :o weird huh?

see...when i get it all done...i paint or do crafts. that is my reward. do you need any painting done? i want to visit doody too. :D

:grouphug:

I meant pushing in a good way... the best way... pushing me more in the direction I was going to go or thinking of going or knowing I had to go :p

The first push I used was the kitty litter - and I think the next push is my dishes... ok... Doody... IF I do mine, I'll let you know...

I'll check out that fly lady website...

Taking another day off tomorrow.
I will go to work on Wednesday - I'm being recognized for my "high quality" customer service...
the reward doesn't even come close to recognizing the loss of my mental health...

no prize can replace it

on that day I will make the decision - along with a doctor -

should I stay or should I go now...

Lordy, lordy... you would think that by age 53, I could recognize that finally I was sick! sick of everything... and finally, my body gave it and I have a bad cold and almost no voice - my insides saying you won't listen to the mental... ok, then, listen to the physical...

you are too sick to go to work girlfriend!

yay... yay... yay....

and reading back through this thread has given me the reminders to visit the doctor on Monday and take next week off work, too...

AND... speaking of the Lord....

I have been called in to the prospective new job for further testing, next Thursday, several hours before my flight leaves for the singing contest in the province of Saskatchewan.

AND after that testings, one more interview on the 15th, should I pass the testing (easy stuff like word, powerpoint and excell) - IF I don't pass the testing, I will still be looked at.

Slowly, I am cleaning up the clutter... mostly inside...

and I thank the Lord that I didn't get so sick that I can't sit here and write to you all.

thanks so much for being here for me!!!

:grouphug:

(((Addy))) I've wondered about you every single day so I'm so glad you posted. Even though you've been sick you sound (by the written word) much better. I hope those tests go really well!!! This could be a big blessing for you.

And guess what. I made myself today go out and mow and trim my lawn. Couldn't before because of the heavy rains and flooding we had last week.

Then I was going to come inside and flop and sleep and ended up sweeping and picking up just a little.

However, there are still all those huge messes all over my house that will take days and days and days to deal with!

If you get a chance, do read some of the basics at that Fly Lady site. My favorite part is the setting a timer for 15 minutes and only working that long and taking a break. It does help.

Much love and hugs and have tons of fun on your singing trip.

I'm glad you no longer have the emotional sniffles - those are much harder to handle. :rolleyes:

Hope the doc visit goes well tomorrow, and I hope you'll be back to singing loud and clear soon. :hug:

will bring baby for you to "change"

so, the answer to your post is, "actually,yes and no...you can only change yourself, but you can also change the baby..."

;)

now, changing the catbox...well, that is a whole another story...we don't just change the catbox in this household. We treat them like kings! (the cats, not the cat box)

An Idea For Change....................