Checking In
 

Hi. Just trying to respond to the people wondering about me. I'm still alive... for what ever that's worth, and trust me that isn't much. There's been no moving on or getting better, I still come here and read posts when I feel up to it. I just have nothing to say that is worth hearing. Nothing I haven't said a million times before. Nothing that will help anyone in any way.

Chances are, my life is exactly the same as what ever you remember; and if you don't remember anything, you're not missing much. It's Thanksgiving, I'm alone (which doesn't really bother me, I never liked Thanksgiving anyway). Pitiful job, no friends, blah, blah. If any of that changes, maybe I'll come back and say something, but I long ago gave up hope on life getting better. So I sit here and wait to die. Killing time until the next time the world forces me to leave my crappy apartment.

Sorry, not trying to be a downer, just trying to explain why I faded out of existance.

Lonely1,
I am beyond thrilled that you thave checked in!!!!!!!
The value is immeasurable to me!!!!!

You are often in my thoughts and and always in my heart!!!
I DO CARE ABOUT YOU!!!!!

I wish I lived closer, I would take you to lunch.
I'm pretty sure I have nieces anad nephews your age so you seem
like family to me. Ii know for certain I would give you a hug.

But for now it's a virtual hug.....
:hug:
Abbie

you are never alone remember that. You are loved.
((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

I remember heaps about you lonely. Most of our lives are probably the same as when you were here last. Doesn't stop us caring about you.

You don't have to come here to help anyone. Just be yourself. You are very important and special to so many of us here, even though you may not realize that. We care about you very much. I'm so glad you posted. :hug:

On a different note...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhTSfOZUNLo
Big Bang Theory theme song

;)

edited to add for clarity: I remembered that you liked to watch The Big Bang Theory and I actually started watching it here because of you.

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/styli...itty-quote.jpg

(((Lonly))) I still think a kitty could change your life. :hug:

Glad you popped in Lonely. :hug:

Keep the hope alive
 

Hi Lonely1,
Glad you are with us. Believe me when I say that I know the feelings you speak of, I’ve spent my whole life battling them and finally made a decision about ten years ago that I would never kill myself. For me it had to do with the legacy I would be leaving my daughters, the same legacy my father left me. You may not have children but the things you do still affect the people around you (Nieces? Nephews?) as it wasn’t just my father who killed himself when I was 6, five years later is was my aunt. It really made me question how to deal with pain. So I’ll share a poem I wrote with you (It’s pretty bad, I’ll warn you and this is the first time ever I’ve shared it), maybe it will speak to you and maybe it won’t, regardless, I’m glad you’re here today and I hope you’re here tomorrow and many, many, many more days to come!!!
Xoxo

Hiding
Reflecting eyes expose my wrong
Counting up, the list is long
I camouflage with smiles and song
Still the list grows on and on
In the sunshine where I hide
Darkness where I search for pride
Mistaking fight for borrowed hope
Correctness is an awful joke
An imprint in a steamy room
Drops of rust expose my doom
Though I scrub still stands the stain
A dedicated smear of blame
Distorted laughs with bloody tears
Pulsing through the coming years
To a song that has no rhyme
No music, beat, just endless time
Searching for a fast way out
But hurting them casts lines of doubt
Lessons can’t perpetuate
Erring fate; genetic hate
I think of those who slept before
And understand the pain they bore
Not anger like the doctors say
Just knowing sleep the only way
And now I wonder if they dream
Or if on fire their soles do scream
Does God forgive the fear he made
Demanding some must seek the grave
Until I know I’ll try to stand
Reject his eyes but not his hand
For brightness covers what night reveals
My hiding place where no one feels
By Marcia

We all have to find our own hiding place sometimes until the pain starts to lift but if you work at it and follow the advice of your doctors, things just might get better. That’s my hope for you! You make a difference in this world, if you were not here there would be a big gap and there would be heartbreak and dire consequences . . . the kind that you can’t even begin to contemplate (think of the chaos theory).

Thank you all for the posts and kind thoughts. (and pretty poems l84dnr :wink:) Don't worry, I'm not in any real danger from myself. As long as I never think about the past, present, or future, I can manage to make it through the day. I'm just so tired. I'm not looking for meaning or fulfilment in life, I'm just trying to caost to the finish with as little effort as possible, because nothing I can do is worth the energy of doing it. Even posting here just takes sooooo much time and effort, even for these little posts. It's hard to do anything at all.

There is no joy in my life. Nothing that I want to do or accomplish Nothing to look forward to and give me energy. Nothing that can get me out of bed in the morning. I honestly don't know how other people find things to do for fun, none of the things they do seem at all appealing to me. What kind of life could I possibly find with that attitude?

I'm just hoping to get lucky and die soon so I don't have to trudge through another several decades of joylessness.

(((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi:hug:

Hi there Lonely ... (Koala waves from Australia) http://i288.photobucket.com/albums/l...ies/Waving.gif

It's good to hear from you again. :D

Hi there Lonely One. I haven't heard from you in a long,long time. Merry Christmas.
I'm sorry that you have been having a hard time over a long period of time. Please hang in there. Brokenfriend :hug::hug::hug:

Just wanted to leave Lonely1 a hug. :hug:

Thank you Alffe. :hug:

Hugs all around
 

Hi Lonely,
when I felt alone,
separated,
wanting the pain of life to fade,
I was so internally focused on
being alone..... and lonely,
and
it deepened my darkness
the hole into which
I was withdrawn
so it was,
in faith,
life,
became a bursting fount of joy
as through prayers uttered by so many
God became my hiding place and solace
an ever present friend
to SHOW me in my darkness
there really was light
and
I was drawn back away from the abyss of darkness
which had held me imprisoned
so joy might flow from me
to be shared with others
and in the sharing
though it might only be
a word or two shared here
both peace became the fillng of my heart
and the tremendous pleasure of
helping another
drew me
into
bright light.
Thus I pray you may be with me
in light
having joy
even for a while
today
Mark56:hug:

How are you my friend? We care and miss you.

I'm... still here... for whatever that's worth.

I try not to think... about anything... ever. Life's just more bareable when I don't have to remember the past, or pretend to care about the future. The world is a bland, joyless place, but there's nothing I can do about that, so it's not worth the effort of contemplation.

I really don't know what else to say. I'm not happy, but there's nothing new about that. I'm just trying to do, and say, and think, as little as possible. In the choice between complete misery and complete apathy, I guess I chose apathy. Oh well... whatever...

Thank you for the thought though.

I so hope
 

For you Lonely, for others here, for me...... we may grasp the joy God holds forth for us.

Sometimes hard to see

or discern

but there

M:grouphug:

Thanks for checking in Lonely1, it's always good to hear from you. :hug:

Well we can put January in the win column Lonely1....such a long month. :hug:

Hola, hola my darling !!!!!!!

I leave you lots of hugs and, Im too always thinking about you :hug:

We do love you and care about you... :)

L1, I am grateful to have you as a friend! Did you know that I had a call from only one friend on my birthday? And I'll confess that I felt pretty darn special and happy that someone cared enough to make that effort.

Love you (L1),
from my heart*
reyn