Dating and Physical Disability??
 

Hey Guys and Gals,

I have some serious questions and some of it I don't quite know how to ask and I honestly didn't know where this should go!

I decided to ask you guys here because I am sure many of you know how this stuff can be. I posted here a month ago about my condition and the responses I got (I don't mean this to sound weird) made me feel cared for like family.

Also, I have tried to ask my friends and get either one extreme or the other, such as - the typical response from a guy, "Just watch ****" or some other crap answer.

A few months ago I signed up for a regular dating site and I met a wonderful lady who I fell in love with she was beautiful inside and out. She was a breast cancer survivor, my type (mind and body) and what I would choose as my ideal partner and we started dating. Everything was (I thought great) the last week she started her finals (she went back to school) and I didn't get to see her much and then over this past weekend, she was put in the hospital for a few days (I lost contact with her). Finally her friend sent me a message on FB saying that she was ok and would talk to me when she got home, so the next day, I went to see her and it was just different I just thought well with everything going on, she is just a little overwhelmed.

Then last night, I got a Dear John letter - basically saying its me not you - I thought I was falling in love with you and I think I was just falling in love with the idea of being in love and it doesn't have anything to do with your health - but I still wanna be your friend thing.

I know its because of my health - Along with Spinal Accessory Nerve Palsy that is un-treatable, I was also diagnosed with TOS (with complications) and Long Thoracic Nerve Palsy. I have called, begged and pleaded with doctors all over the country and all have pretty much told me that because of the complexity and extremes that everyone of the disorders I have are - that there is nothing that can be done. I was also told that some of the complications are VERY life threatening. I am now have problems breathing, bathroom (#1 & #2) - sometimes I can't go or when I do - it takes forever - apparently I have damage in my brain that is not curable and I also have spinal cord and brain stem damage and to try to correct any of the issues could instantly kill me!

I know what is happening - my body is getting very tired and I can feel it. But I also know its not gonna happen tomorrow or the next day and I try to have the spirit of a warrior! I never have a frown on my face and to look at me most would not know the shape I am in. And I VERY much want to have someone to love who loves me and who can accept the good along with the bad and not just pretend that it doesn't bother them!!

Now here are where the questions come in:

1. For those of you dating or who have dated with a disability, how did you go about it? - I did Google search a few sites but they are scam sites or from all over the world and no one is from the US.

2. How do you go about filtering someone to see if they are dating material - I know that sounds horrible but I just can't go through this again - not even sure if I truly want to, I am thinking that with my health this bad that I might as well stay single.

3. How do you know what you are compatible with (I know this sounds really horrible and I am sorry - but I don't really know how to ask this one) - what I mean is say you find someone who is willing to date a disabled person or is disabled also, (first off, let me say sex is not on my top list of priorities - far from it actually but in any grown up relationship, this is a consideration) - how do you go about approaching that - the ONLY reason I am asking this is because things have changed apparently since I have been in the dating pool I guess - its like 3 dates and sex now apparently! - I know not everyone is like that but on most dating sites it seems to be the case.

4. How do you get into the issue of possible worsening of your condition or death with a potential mate you might meet.

Again, thank you so much for any advise you can offer.

I am also sorry if its hard to read - I don't really like talking about a few of those things. I think that kind of stuff is between a man and a women and for no one else but it is a consideration I have to take into account!

Well, I sort of felt like I was just reading my life for a moment on your original post..

How do I deal with it? Well, I don't.

I have TOS, winged scapula, ischemia and who knows what else. I've spent 7 1/2 years without diagnosis, or with wrong diagnosis and even unnecessary surgeries. At first, I could function and enjoyed a normal life. I got married and had a daughter. Then he had an affair.. so now I'm a single mom.

I tried dating at first, but in the past two years my health has deteriorated so much that it's just not really a viable option. I can barely maintain the energy to get my daughter ready for school or to wash dishes. Adding a social life into it, one where the person involved isn't understanding or doesn't know what's going on, doesn't work for me.

I dated one person and when I first started to find the TOS information and realize what was wrong with me, I told him about it. Big mistake. I was upset because I realized that there is a good chance, even with treatment, that I will not be able to continue doing some of my favorite things (classical piano, dance, painting). His response? "It could be worse, you could have just returned from deployment and have lost all your limbs and be paralyzed like [insert name here]."

I was crushed. Needless to say, I didn't continue seeing him.

I don't know how you balance dating with all of the other things going on. I have such chronic pain, that it doesn't seem worth it. I just find fulfillment in life in other things - my daughter, my church, a small circle of friends, my work/education (I'm losing my physical ability to do some of those things as well and it's been far more depressing than not dating).

I also know that there's a good chance I may never improve. I don't need a BOYFRIEND.. I need a live in NURSE! [LOL!]

Anyway, just letting you know that you're definitely not alone. I don't really have any advice, but I can relate.

Hi---let me say this Im guessing your younger by saying your previous girlfriend was in her finals?. Now from older person point of view --there is no way to protect yourself 100% love is love --good or bad or crazy. I will tell you I recently ended 9 yr relationship because when I became sick --the realtonship went south some people cant handle it --its harsh. Truth is I also didint want to waste another day being with someone who didint want to be my side thru the hard times so i ended it. When it comes to the other stuff u mention like sex doesnt matter what other people say there is no time line ---you both will know when it feels right to both parties. Personally, I think you will see as you get older there is something deeper when u dont have sex for awhile ---sex sometimes if rushed is confused people for love --when sex should be a form of affection to show your love--it become much more meaningful when you wait. I will leave you with this but remember Im old school (smile)---its better to have been loved and lost love then not to have known love at all. You will have many heat breaks in life --but--the heart will heal !! You sound like a great person !!

My perspective may or may not be one that you're looking for but here it is:

My bf has a similar problem as yourself. He fractured his neck around age 23 and has been quad for 20 years now. He pushes himself hard to remain as independent as possible, and he's pretty darn sexy in my humble opinion! ;) We happened to meet in an apartment building that we both live in, built for disabled people. My disability is brain related. Long-term effects of untreated epilepsy, followed by brain surgery and traumatic brain injury.

I believe that our physical challenges make us more open and understanding towards one another. My bf does have "accidents" occasionally, which are very humiliating moments for him that he absolutely abhors! I never make fun of him, or get grossed out. But, I also used to be a CNA, maybe that's part of my tolerance?? Thankfully, my bf has been very understanding and tolerant of my poor memory and difficulty in decision-making, among other troubles. It has been a lot of give and take on both sides for us.

Hi SB
 

[You have touched a subject that is most difficult. I just lost a life partner or "friend" because of all my health issues, and loss in my life. 14 years ended because I am sick, loosing my home. It is hard on anyone to live with a person who has serious medical issues. Sometimes dealing with all those issues are too much for the other person and they run, just as fast as they can away from you.
I don't know if I will ever seek dating again. I am not sure I could ever take another loss like this. I am F and 61. I also have alopecia, which leaves my head quite naked at times. Most men are visual, and if you present with a hat instead of hair, that doesn't go over so well either.
It takes much love and compassion for people to live with a partner that has disability. I don't want to be alone all my life either, but sometimes I feel I have no choice in the matter. I joined an animal resuce group, where I feed baby animals, and have tried to be social, even though my life is a train wreck. In my case, I am going to leave this up to God. I won't look or seek, just pray for friendship and compassion from those friends I do have. I attend church, which is social interaction. Joined Women of the Moose. It just may not be in the cards for me so instead I try to concentrate on just being social in every way possible. Nobody knows their future, but you can be places that have others around you. I go to museums, and outdoor blues festivals. I stay as active as I can with the disabilty I do have. Life is not always fair, and some of us do not get to fall in love. I hope you do, and that you find a companion to share your life with. It takes a very stong person to help you through the difficult times. I wish you all the best, and hope that you find love. ginnie

Hi, FX4!

It sounds like you have some painful problems indeed. I think that you are asking one of the hardest questions that anyone with an extended disability can ask. I became disabled nearly ten years ago, out of the blue. Within a few years my wife left me, and I was relegated to only visiting my children. Even my family showed obvious discomfort and began to retreat from social interaction. Everything combined created in me a sense of self so low that I couldn't imagine being loved in a true relationship sort of way. But surprisingly I did.

For the past four years I have been dating a woman who is actually an RN (which is quite a plus) and we are talking of marriage now. While I cannot deny that my nerve-damage causes problems in our relationship, so far we've worked it out. There are lots of fights, to be sure, but we always remained focused on solving them quickly and not letting them fester. It is a hard thing for her to go to work everyday while I stay at home, even though I try hard to do what housework I can. She has to trust that I am being honest about my physical limits, or else she starts to wonder if she isn't being taken advantage of.

My GF and I are very open and honest with each other. We have to be. She has explained the stress of her care-giver syndrome, and I am careful to make sure she understands day-by-day what my own challenges are. We met because we are similar souls, but developing the relationship has been hard work, though definitely worth it.

What can I say that will help you here? That it is truly worth it, and you shouldn't give-up? There are a lot of people who don't want a relationship to seem like a sacrifice, and they may steer clear of you even if they wish things were different. It doesn't make them bad, nor do you sound like a bad person. One thing that surprises me is how open a lot of women are, especially ones who have been married before, to the idea of dating someone with a physical drawback. Women, it seems, are far more interested in personality than physicality, as long as you appreciate and are truly good to them. I don't know what you are capable of, but if you could volunteer to spend time helping others in support groups it can give you a chance to display your qualities for others to see. The best way to meet someone is still word-of-mouth.

It may seem that the best thing to do is to hide as much of your negative traits as possible from any prospective girlfriend, and that might make sense until you at least get a sense for each other's personalities. But after that I believe it is very important to be truthful about yourself and your condition. Remember, trust and love will be the mainstays of the relationship. It won't be pure physical attraction. Most of all I just wanted to tell you not to give up hope. Living life disabled without anyone to be close to is a special kind of sadness, and I don't wish it on anyone. Despite all the stuff we read in the news, there are still lots of really caring people out there. Don't be afraid to show them your love, and if it leads to it, your attraction. Act as normal as normal can be. Self confidence truly does breed confidence from others. And no matter what else happens, remember that you are a whole person, not just a partial one. Good luck to you, friend, and I hope things work out soon! :)

Dating
 

Thank you for posting this.
I am in the process of finding someone.
How soon do I tell them of my condition? You can't tell by looking at me that I have PD.
Do you cut it off before they find out, or do you let them find out and see what they are going to do?
I just know some of you have experience with this.
I would love to hear what you learned.??
Love, Eva Gabrielle

Hi Eva
 

I have no hair due to an auto immune problem. So for me dating, the problem is obvious. If someone can't accept me for what and who I am, I just figure they weren't meant for me. We can't help the medical issues that come into our lives, but we can and should choose whom we accept into our lives. I believe in the truth, and let the chips fall where they may. I wish you all the best, and a good happy life. ginnie:hug::D

is there a place for ones with hydrosphelis to meet and possibly date in kentucky?
 

is there a place for ones with hydrosephelis to meet and possibly date in ky

I have a disabled friend who also went through a similar experience. He thought he had found the girl he wanted to fall in love with but she backed off on him, and it crushed him.

But all he needed was time and then he managed to find another women that he fell in love with and now they live together.

I hope you are able to find someone and live a fulfilling life.

Cheers

Hello
 

:) It is OK to post anywhere. " Well the issues of dating",... as well as just having very close friends, can really be difficult. Not everyone is cut out to deal with a person with disability. I lost friends over mine, it hurts.
In my case, it is obvious that I have a condition or two. I think the key is to, make new friends, maybe find some hobby you can do to find someone. On line dating is fine just to say hello and meet, but for really knowing a person it just takes time. No sense in hiding what is wrong, so I speak up, and see where the chips fall.
I am sorry that it didn't seem to work with the last person in your life. Don't give up, because the world is full of people just like you, hoping to meet someone that accepts them. Just be yourself. I would rather have friends, or someone special, who knows the real me. Wouldn't that be the best possible thing?
This site is just like a family in many ways. The people here have been so supportive. I hope you get lots of responses. I wish you all the best. ginnie

I'm My Own Worst Enemy
 

For me my chronic pain issues has prevented me from working and my life today from before I had health issues is 180 degrees different. From my appearance I look healthy and vibrant but have a limp and mobility issues due to problem from arthritis which I've had since birth. I always felt a traditional sense that the guy should be the provider and have the means to pay (at least initially) when dating a woman. Because my financial situation is just enough for me to provide myself with what I need to live reasonably comfortably there is little to no money left to take a woman on a date. I also had a car my whole life and today I can't afford to have one. I am very insecure when I meet someone I like but when the question about what I do blah blah blah get asked I get squeemish because time and time again the interest from the woman changes and I can't close the deal, I mean be able to move forward to get to know her better. I have so much to offer if given the chance to showcase who I am. Needless to say I am quite lonely as I have always been in relationships and adjusting to living life alone sucks. I want to do so much more with my life but the pain is bad at times and all I want to do is sit in front of the computer and try to distract myself from the reality of my situation is the best I can do at times. I am so glad I found this forum because I feel I am not alone in my struggle and the topic of this discussion is right on beam with what I am challenged by. Thanks to all of you for your contributions I'm so amazed how well we can communicate our thoughts on these message boards.

Hi Modsquad
 

You are not alone right here with all of us on NT. Believe me, women experience the same kind of discrimination with health issues. In my case, I have no hair, due to an auto immune disease. Men are for the most part visual. I am alone too. Very few men come up to me and say hello as I look different. I wear a hat. I am not sure why as humans we don't give each other more of a chance when we meet new people. All of us have something to offer another person. I don't think people are meant to be alone. Illness and pain can also stress a relationship. It is my hope that someday someone will look past my hat, and say hello. I wish for you, companionship and less pain in your life Modsquad. I am here to talk to anytime. ginnie:grouphug:

reply
 

Hi Lisa marie,

this is my first post so please bear with me, based on my past experience in terms of medically speaking and also in general i thought that i would give you the following responses:-

1. I know that alot of people now do online dating, i'm 27 but prefer meeting
people the old fashioned way face to face first and i'm not really that tech
savy. I know of one or two friends who have done it and they haven't worked
out, although i know this may not be the case for everyone and i'd say that
due the security concerns that i'd always be rather cautious.

2. I think you are generally a chatty, outgoing person then as you talk to people then you find out and that could be anywhere really, the gym, bars,
coffee shops, sports clubs.......wherever really. It does help if you have things in common with that person but i always find when i went travelling abroad which has ranged from the states, spain, canada, new zealand etc that i find it interesting trying out new experiences, local sites that people are in general very friendly and chatty. I'm afraid it's just about getting to know a particular person which can take time before you really know how they tick and if your compatable. Obviously you still have to be on your guard at the same time though.

3. Again here i'm afraid it's about getting to know someone if you are compatable, which is the difficult part as well. I am afraid that there is
sometimes certain people who will not be as comfortable with the idea
of dating someone on occasions due to their circumstances. I think it's important sometimes to try and do different activities to try and widen your social circle to people you wouldn't normally get the chance to meet which can sometimes lead to you meeting someone. I don't really know how other people approach the dating scene (everyone is different and i'm not saying any approach is right or wrong) but i would have thought in general you;d get to know someone first for a while and then something may happen depending upon what your looking for.

4. This is such a difficult issue, i have personally had to tell a friends family of their son passing away and also have personally been told of my condition from doctors. It's such a hard issue to do, obviously i would think it's really important that you tell someone but when you feel comfortable and when you trust them as well. All you can be is honest with someone, as nobody
has a crystal ball and in recent years i've come to learn that point in particular. All you can do is make what you think is the best decision based on the information you have at the time

Just so you know I had sustained a head injury back in july 2004 and was diagnosed with hydrocephalous which lead to numerous difficulties over a long period of time. I went onto to complete my degree, get the job i wanted and travel the world........it was a very long recovery period and i'm not sure if you ever fully recover from certain events but if you have support from family and friends that helps alot. Try to ask for help if you need it and if there is any support.

Anyway i don't know if this will be of any use to you but i hope it helps. Feel free to message me if you ever want to chat. All the best.

Neil

:Wave-Hello: Welcome Cootsy12.

Hello
 

I am 63 and didn't date for years. I met a man by accident, and yes I am disabled. I think if the person sees you as a human first, it doesn't matter if you have disabilities.. That is the key, to not let what a person looks like, or their disability, in the way of being or meeting that good person. Just be yourself. ginnie

It doesn't count as a disability I guess but my Dawn had facial deformities on the left side of her face and head due to botched cancer surgery when we met. She had a cute figure.

We were friends first. She called me one night freaking out. She was having a nervous breakdown. Took her to psych ward and helped her get hooked up with psych and get stable. We then started dating.

Took care of her in hospital when she got reconstructive surgery.

Took care of her when she had breast cancer surgery.

And she has taken care of me the past seven years since stroke and brain injury.

I did nothing noble dating her. Even with the facial issues and depression, I saw a beautiful person inside and out. And with all my issues, she saw something in me.

We have little money and no children but we have each other.

And we have our cat. :)

Continue to be yourself...she was not the right one.
 

carry on, continue to date..she was not the right one for you. You deserve to be loved, it will happen.

After the breakup of a thirteen year relationship with a women I adored & worshipped eighteen months ago (before my injury), I personally, have no interest in dating, or even casual relations with women, but, I have always been of the opinion that things like love just 'find a way'. If someone is freaked out about your disability, or any associated issues that come along with that, then they are not worthy of your time. Eventually, when you least expect it (& probably when you have given up hope of ever finding love), someone will come along & blow you away. If they can look past the disability to find the person, then it will be worth the wait :-) x

Hi Andy
 

Yep I had given up hope and you are right. Love happens when you are least expecting it, even if you have disabilities!. ginnie

Welcome dawneve. :Wave-Hello:

I feel sad reading about this. I am not an expert when it comes to love but sure thing is, this should not be based on whatever "deficiency" people we meet has. It might sound so ideal but reality this does not happen all the time. I feel for the people who are constantly looking for love and to be loved. At least we know the reason why love is not coming your way. But how about does who are perfectly normal and yet, love seems not finding them? Just a thought to ponder.