Welcome Butterfly
 

Suicide is an awful thing to have in common and I'm so sorry you have lost a dear friend to it. It's such a complicated grief process that includes anger, guilt, and sometimes even relief.

Feb is not very long ago and you are coming up on the anniversary date...those are always hard to go through. So are the Holidays when someone we have loved is missing.

Please know that you aren't alone...please pull up a chair and talk to us. Talking is healing. :grouphug:

I will try to figure out how to repost some things from my bipolar group.
:Heart:

Thank you! She committed suicide February 6th of this year. I'm happy for her that her battle with depression and addiction are over, but I miss her. I am looking forward to giving her a great big hug in heaven and hearing her laugh again. She had a great laugh and could always make me laugh, no matter what.

Though I still can't believe it's real at times.
:Heart:

I keep having this recurring dream and she's there and she's telling me that it was all a big misunderstanding and that she's not really dead. And I'm so relieved. Then I wake up and I'm so upset that it was just a dream. I have asked God to not let me dream this anymore, but I still am. At least 5 times now. Most recently this week. I'm not going to lie, this is hard. I thought as time passed it would get easier, but I find it is getting harder. It's like all sinking in that her number will never show up on my caller ID again. Her car's never going to pull up into my driveway again. I've known these things since the funeral but living the reality of it is hard.

At her dad's funeral end of October, her husband asked me if I would go over and go through her closet. He said he didn't know what to do with all her clothes and that he thought she would want me to have it. He said ya'll are the same size. I just froze. He said I'm sorry do you think that's morbid? I said no, oh my God no, it's just that... and then I couldn't stop crying. I love her husband and feel so bad for him. I try to talk to him, but seeing him reminds me of her and I mostly cry instead of talk and I feel bad about it b/c I can tell it makes him uncomfortable. At the funeral home we were talking, after talking about the closet, about their daughter how she was doing in school, and I started crying again. And he just abruptly stopped talking and said I have to go ya'll, I have to go get a bottle of water, and then he hugged me and walked away. It felt weird. I felt so bad. I still feel bad when I think about it. I think he had to get away from me because I kept crying. He is the thinist I've ever seen him and I'm not an expert but I think he's still in shock. He's doing the best he can going to work and caring for their daughter (3rd grade). He has no time for much else. I don't know where I was going with this... this was the week my in-laws were here... thanks for listening...:Heart:

Twice since her dad's funeral, my friend's husband and I have talked about me going over to their house. Once he messaged me saying that his daughter was asking to see me. I said just tell me when, I'll be there. He never wrote me back. Then he posted about the election, etc. and we talked about mundane things. Then again he said maybe one Saturday you could come over. I said sounds good, this Saturday? let me know what Saturday works for you. He comments on my posts, etc. but I'm still waiting to hear which Saturday he wants me to go. It's confusing.

I would show up with food but I don't want to force myself into their lives. He seems very fragile to me. He knows I am here whenever he's ready. I think he is going through a lot and changes his mind often about what he wants and needs. :Heart:

What he means by cleaning out her closet is that he wants me to pick a few items out for their daughter, as keepsakes and for when she's older. He wants me to take whatever I want. Then he wants me to do something with the rest, give away to others or Goodwill. I It's like at times, this is what he wants. So he contacts me. Then he changes his mind and decides no, he prefers seeing her stuff hanging in the closet. Then he changes it back and wants it gone so he contacts me.

The reason I am leery to push is because what if I do initiate getting the ball rolling on this because I perceive it's a need for him, then I do this for him and then a week later or something he's upset because he regrets it. I mean I already feel like I would be betraying my friend by agreeing to do this, but he says he can't do it and I do want to help her husband. But once I do this, it's gone forever. I won't be able to get her stuff back. That's why I need him to be 100% sure. I couldn't handle the guilt if he blamed me for rushing him into this, even though at times it's what he wants me to do. I don't know anybody on the suicide support forum. Do any of you know, is there a time frame, let's say a year? How long is it appropriate to clean out someone's closet? I want to reach out, but this is what is holding me back.

And because ya'll are like my talk therapy group I have to say this for my own well-being. She & I used to do everything together. I was there when the realtor showed them the house. It needed some updating. I helped her pick out paint colors, light fixtures for her bedroom and master bath. I hung the shelves right next to her bed and bought her the porcelain antique decorations that are on them. She shot herself in her bed. I have not been to her house since then and that is where her closet is and the whole thing just hurts like hell. I hope I don't sound selfish. Her husband and daughter found her and poor things had to see all that, which I cannot even imagine how you go on after that. And I know that's the last thing my friend would have ever wanted to happen. If she had thought this through she would have figured out a way to spare her daughter from the sight of it. Her daughter was her world and the reason she hadn't done this sooner. That's how I'm sure that I'm sure that it was an impulse decision. Sometimes a person is just tired of hurting and can't take it another second. She is a great person, I wish it were all different. :Heart:

As close as her and I were, I consider him a friend, but he & I were never close. She and I mostly did stuff together while our husbands were at work or on a week night while her husband stayed out with his guy friends. Now that she is gone, I feel unsure of my place in their family dynamic.

And I know once I go in that closet I'm going to remember oh we bought this pink outfit for her to wear to her baby shower and I had to run last minute and pick it up from the lady who did the alterations, oh this is the red trench coat she wore to that picnic we went to, etc. I just know it is going to be a vault of memories. I am willing to do anything I can to help, but before I put myself through this, I need to know for sure her husband will be okay after I leave and it's all done. I'll keep y'all posted. :Heart:

Well those are pretty much all my posts from the Bipolar Group relating to this.

I went to a Christmas party last night and she would have just loved the top that I wore. We used to share clothes & jewelry. I know she would want to borrow it. I'm missing her and sad for her husband and daughter that she's not here to be with them, especially at Christmas time. Her daughter is so innocent that she still believes Elf on a Shelf is real. :Heart:

Thank you for making me feel welcome. The longer she's gone, the worse it feels. I want her to call me on the phone so bad. :Heart:

Hey Butterfly Alffe,and a number of people will be replying to your posts in the morning,afternoon,and evening. I'm sending gentle Hugs. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Thank you BF for knowing us so well...I go to bed with the chickens and am up before dawn. :hug:

Butterfly your dear friends husband needs someone to Listen to him...he needs much more than her closet cleaned and you need to talk. I recently had a dear woman in my living room, who alternated between screaming, sobbing and sharing her agony. Her youngest son (age 21) killed himself upstairs in their home on Nov 15th...she is still in shock.

Your friends child would love to have a hug from someone else who loved her mom. Could you possibly just show up today...not to clean out the closet yet but to show your love and support. I think it would mean the world to all of you who are missing her. :grouphug:

We drove to their house last night. I saw that her daughter's light was on in her bedroom. We slowed down, debating, but I just couldn't stop. Just the sight of her house & I dissolve into puddles. I'm still too much of a mess. I'm working on it. :Heart:

sorry for the long post...
 

Dear Butterfly,

as i said in my post in bipolar, i agree that you must take care of yourself first. reaching out to her husband and daughter may be healing to you as well, but i believe that when that time comes you will know. there is no time limit. we are all different. from all you have said, i can tell she is like a sister to you. i have a friend i consider a soul sister. it sounds like something of the kind.

do not compare your suffering to that of her husband and daughter. comparing suffering is not useful to anyone. if you try to help someone walk when you cannot stand, you will both fall faster.

listen to your heart and your gut. your heart will want to reach out, especially to the daughter. your gut will tend to be fearful, and the fear is to keep you safe. at some point, the reaching out will be safe for you, and your heart and gut will agree on what to do.

i am glad you made the attempt to drive by the house. you tried. you might have felt differently, and if you had, you might have stopped. it is ok that you did not stop. it means you are not ready.

one thing i could suggest is... because her house is full of memories... to consider arranging to meet up with her spouse and daughter - or even just her daughter, in a different place. It could be your home, or a neutral place like a coffee shop. Although since you guys might get teary together, maybe a more private place would be best. Either your home, or perhaps a park if there are areas which afford some privacy. again this is just something to think about.

you could also think about sending them the occasional card or a note through the mail. it doesn't have to say much. you could just say "thinking of you. i miss her too." or something. or, you might consider initiating correspondence with the daughter through email... if you want. email can be helpful because you don't have to be right there right then. you can answer it at your leisure. and you can edit things. you can cry in the middle, save in drafts and come back to it later. it is less intense than face to face or even phone. but not saying you ought to do any of these things. just tossing out ideas, in case any of them might feel "OK" to you.

i heard that you want to do something, and feel some responsibility for your friend's daughter... i think i would too, even if technically you have no such responsibility. this is a feeling that is an extension of the bond with your friend. remember this is a feeling. it is ok for it to stay with you, just as a feeling. again, you can act on it when you are ready.

remember that what you do or do not is not right or wrong. there is no "right" way to grieve. do what you feel is best for you, and is healthiest for you.

i can't imagine losing my sister-like friend the way you did yours. she is far away and we can seldom talk these days but i know she is there, and if she were not, i would feel so lost in the world. i am sending you lots of hugs, and warm thoughts. :circlelove:

:hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

Hi Butterfly
 

It has to be tremendously difficult since you shared so closely with your friend. Similarly in our family a number of years ago, the husband of our eldest niece preceded your friend in much the same way. The trauma for the family and friends thereafter has lifelong repercussions.

Now his son, a small child when the event occurred, is a grown young man in love and making great strides in life. He and I do not discuss openly the hurt, as he lives for the now and that which comes. I am sure these coping mechanisms have been helpful for him in attaining adulthood and his recent college degree. It feels good to shower upon him my thrill for him at the strides he makes in his own path.

Hugs abound for you and those you yearn to help,
Mark56:hug::grouphug:

:hug::hug:

Take all the time you need butterfly....baby steps as David would say. :hug:

Butterfly

This is the kind of talking you need so keep it up.

I too am so glad you drove by, and tried to stop.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

Dear Butterfly know your heart will not always hurt so much. I lost my best friend 32 years ago when he was 18. I still miss him terribly but my grief is not as fresh. Time does heal wounds but sometimes leaves a scar. I both treasurer and hate may scar. I treasurer it because my friend made my life more and fuller. I hate it because selfishly I want that friend back. Your friends husband will let you know when he is ready. I think your instincts are good follow them. Does your friend have a good support system to aid him now? Is there an advocate who could help him, your friends daughter and yourself foster a healthy relationship? When grief is so strong it may help you all to have an advocate. If you could foster a friendship with both daughter and husband it may help focus more on the positive aspects that this beautiful person brought into your lives. When someone so dear and close to us has passed from us unexpectedly it can be a tough thing to find a way to honor them. I believe when we truley love someone and they we are joined in our hearts and are part of each other for all time. We are made more and better for our love for each other. I will always be thankful for knowing my friend and what he brought to me.

exactly! :Heart:

Welcome, Butterfly. :hug:

:grouphug: Hi Butterfly. I am sorry you are dealing with such a loss. Best Friends are hard to find and when you lose one the emptiness is felt pretty deep. I lost my best friend this past July. we have been friends since 6th grade.. She had told me a couple years ago she had early Alzheimer :( and she took her life this past July. during those couple years we had many deep talks and secrets . I havent really shared much about it here . I just have a sad empty hole and i guess thats all I want to say. But your name grabbed my attention as I just got my very first Tattoo . of a butterfly. it was a promise me and my best friend made when were were kids. If one of us passes the other gets a tattoo. she was butterfly I was a flower. and well I have my butterfly tattoo for a week and a half now. I LOVE it the colors and tear drops and shape of the butterfly all mean something special.
my best friend also had 2 kids one with sever downs syndrome. Please reach out to your friends family and her children... it WILL help both of you. I know it is hard but in the long run it will turn out to be well worth the hard steps you need to make at first. :hug: ...the cleaning of closets and cloths and such i think that can wait . hugs from someone not so different from you Butterfly :hug: Thanks for sharing it is hard thing to do . sending you prayers and lots of
PEACE
BMW

Thank you for sharing that BMW...your loss is also recent and painful. :grouphug:

Dear BMW,

i appreciate your sharing your story... so sorry for your loss also. :hug::hug::hug:

that is neat about your tattoo, from the mutual promise you guys made - such a special way to remember your friend.

~ waves ~

Thank you marshmallow!!!!!!!!! :hug: I'm sorry I am just now coming back.

Awesome about the tattoo. Your friend must be so honored! :Heart:

I dont know how honored... she is dead and a butterfly is nothing really and the feeling that she is gone yet I am here makes the unworthy quilt just smoother me . :(
I actually talked with her oldest and also her younger sister yesterday. her sister was so glad we talked and thanked me said it really helps when i call and check on her and we talk. that made me feel good makes me feel like in talking with my bff kids and her sister ..that it makes my friend happy up in heaven makes me feel close to her in an odd way. so butterfly try to reach out to your friends family they are hurt just as much as you and it is hard for them like it is hard for you... sharing that with them and them with you WILL help. Lots of healing hugs :hug::hug:to you Butterfly!!
:grouphug:
PEACE
BMW

I'm sorry your friend isn't here anymore. I'm sorry she ever got Alzheimer's and I'm sorry things are the way they are. :Heart:

Butterfly there isnt anything to be sorry for it is not anyones fault just life gets tricky sometimes.. ya know . we both lost our best friends I am sorry you lost yours . :hug: kinda like we are together on a part of the path right now . sending prayers and healing hugs.
PEACE
BMW

Hugs for ya BOTH
 

HUGGING you BOTH!
mark56:hug::grouphug:

I can so relate to you marshmallow. I'll never have another best friend. What we had was special, sisterhood. All of this is making it hard for me to have friends again. All other friendships compared to her & I's seem so ... superficial. And that's depressing. :Heart: