I've fallen. And I can't get up.
 

A comment mom made tonight got me riled... it was nothing bad or disparaging, and in fact something true. Just something i needed not to think about right now let alone spar over with her. After my blood stopped boiling, i like sank.

i could not enjoy the evening movie. i set to watch a late movie and ignored it. i played a game and didn't get into it. Tried more research, trying to "keep rolling" but i didn't roll far. Took a break and read the threads - best i could do was thank things for lack of words and thought. I tried doing a couple art designs - quit... like creativity what's that.

I feel so pathetic i bet if there were a mosquito in the room it probably wouldn't even take my blood.

it has been about 5 hours now since that comment and i feel the same, perhaps a bit worse.

I had a glass of liquorous wine earlier which didn't phase me. benzo cross tolerance. tshhh!

I want a stiff drink. Options very limited. Tempted to crack open that sealed bottle of baileys i was to save for next year (long story), and make myself a strong IRISH coffee. For the first time in a very long long time, i think i actually *WANT* to get *DRUNK*?? ...or at least a good bit UN*SOBER. maybe i just want to feel something?

i feel like a heap of moose dung... and I don't think moose dung "feels" (perhaps a bit moosey/mousse-y).

:( :thud: :(

Oh waves, I am so sorry, sometimes people around us say things without thinking, they might forget it, but the impact of their thoughtless spoken words effect us and HURT us deeply for a long time after the air has stopped moving from their breath to speak them. :( I am so sorry. I am sure she didn't mean anything by it, but bringing it up obviously bothered you greatly. If you need to talk we're here....

Irish Coffee
 

I cracked the Baileys.

Having an Irish Coffee now. double strength lolsigh.

:o:rolleyes::cool:

~ waves ~ of confusion

i don't get it
 

Hi Pammie :hug:

Thanks so much for replying. I guess i am quite confounded by my inability to bounce back. because i was ok before, and have been stable/good recently.

like i said mom didn't say anything i didn't know or anything hurtful or disparaging to me at all. just something i didn't want to be thinking about let alone arguing over. i did get really riled... and she did stop.

but you know that feeling like when your stomach slowly slides down your body and ends up in a puddle at your feet? well, after being really riled, and after that dissipated (took maybe a half hour - i had quite some adrenaline but was not obsessing), after that i did not return to being "ok" as i was before... instead my stomach went on that fateful voyage... yes, i feel emotionally gutted.

i just don't get it. :confused: and i want out of it. :(

~ waves ~

Sorry about what you have going on. If it's any consolation nobody can rile me up like my Mom can :-(

I hope you can enjoy your drink and relax. Maybe just postpone thinking about all this until the morning. Sorry if this is terrible advice but sometimes that's what I have to do. :Heart:

Hey Butterfly, :):hug:

Thanks... and perhaps a good idea not to sit and ponder why i'm "stuck" like this tonight... maybe just accept it for right now, and call tomorrow another day. go from there.

the irish coffee was good. might go for seconds but feeling lazy about prepping it - tempted to have baileys straight even though i enjoy that less? maybe i could try warming some by itself... ha.

lazy waves. wonder if i could sleep instead.

~ waves ~ who shouldn't be drinking at all... :o

I am glad she stopped, but I just wish it hadn't gotten you so agitated waves, I know how discomforting it is to deal with confrontation of any kind. I am really sorry. Thinking of you and hoping you'll be able to sleep soon. :hug:

Sending you hugs Waves

In my life I think sometimes its just the way life is. For my mom to try
and rile her daughters up.

Donna:hug::grouphug::grouphug:

HI waves, I love baileys glad that you were able to have some....maybe even warmed?
I hope that you are asleep by now and will feel better tomorrow.
know that we love you and send warm thoughts your way.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Hi Pam,

yes... our emotional intensity is greater, perhaps it is just a question of that. confrontations are matter of fact in this household though... i deal with them daily andthensom. this was different. i've gotten angry before, but once calmer, i am ok again. this was different, because i had a mood crash. it was quite out of the blue to me. not typical.

i'm going to take Butterfly's advice and let it be what it is for now. and see tomorrow. i've learned with migraines that there is an automatic tendency to fight the pain. Even just resisting, manifests in physical tension, which augments the pain. but if we can retrain that tendency and allow the pain to flow through... it is better. why is simple : fighting the pain, even just mentally so maybe by analogy, i will be better off just acceptng this flatness, fighting it has not helped and wil become distress if i keep it up.

well i "cheated" and carefully warmed some straight baileys in the microwave, on defrost. wow, it was potent i ended up add diluting it with my bedside water ... no more warmth.

when this takes hold i definitely should be able to sleep. hey if not there's the rest of the bottle. or an ativan at this point. i'm up at night because i've been sleeping in the day - not due to agitation which is long gone. i have felt only limp and blah and ... flat, for the past several hours. :(

tomorrow is another day.
maybe it will go away.

~ waves ~ sleey now. night nith. thank you@

Derogatory humor that hurts a person may not be illegal,but it's a sin. I'm so sorry that you got hurt.

I was surrounded by people like that at the Supermarket job that I had. I left that job after 13 years,and I was angry. I react suddenly to a remark,or something said to hurt me. I must have had some rage that I pushed down,and repressed. Pinned up anger comes out a little at a time. I'm not sure how to explain this. I hope that you feel better soon. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Waves,

I hope you slept. Accepting the flatness can work, . . .

Hoping Sunday is a good day.

Mari

I hope you were able to sleep, I am sorry you're suffering right now, I think a lot of us are suffering right now, I wonder if its something relating to the season gearing up to change? At any rate I hope you feel better this morning. We love you here waves. Take care! ♥

Thanks for the hugs Donna. Much appreciated :) :hug::hug::hug: to you too.

My mom and I end up at odds many times, but it isn't that she tries to rile me up. And in this case she had no intent of being hurtful or instigatory, she was only voicing concerns.

~ waves ~

Yep, its technically the same with my mom.

She doesn't even realize that she has done that.

Donna:hug::grouphug:

Waves,

'Thinking about you and hoping that Monday is a good day. :heartthrob: :heartthrob: :heartthrob:

I have a question about the timing of these things that they say. Do they usually do it in the evening? Around eating times? Shared time?
Have you recognized a pattern?


M

Ugh, that unique class of Mom's. Sorry it hurt your heart Waves. The Bailey's sounds like it can mend an injured heart. At least warm the soul. :grouphug:

Hi everyone. :grouphug:

First i just want to say it is monday and i am back to feeling fine again. Yesterday i was still iffy, but got better gradually. I saw two episodes of "According to Jim" (undubbed!) before dinner, and laughed and laughed. at that pont i knew i was definitely better. (I think the double dose of Belushi helped. He is amazing.)

Unfortunately i had a "food incident" with dinner (i added too much garlic powder to too many things, i think), and subsequently had a pretty bad night, physically. today, i had my coffee with no problem - a very good sign, but the cold can really do a number on my gut, so, staying home for today. (i was to go to the printshop but i am deferring till tomorrow.)

so now i will respond to some individual posts. But i first wanted to thank all of you who have read, and posted to me, for your precious support. I did read all of your posts and it was heartwarming. I had a hard time with answering at the time, but all of your posts meant a lot to me. It really helps to feel understood.

:grouphug:

~ waves ~

To BIZI
 

Thank you so much, dear Bizi. :heartthrob: :)

And I'll put Bailey's on the list of things with which to toast, if we ever manage to hook up! LOL! :D I love it too. I always gift myself a bottle for Christmas when they put it on special. This Christmas i was a little hypo and bought three bottles - 2 as gifts to my cousins (along with too much chocolate and bunches of other stuff... sigh!)

Coordinating with the cousins was harder than expected due to their travelling most of the time, and in mid-January I gave up on that. At home we'd also had wines of various types to go with different holiday foods, so I'd been drinking more. When i finished my own bottle of Baileys, which took a while, I opened one of "my cousin's." I went through that one lickety split however, which set off big alarm bells! I decided then to put the 3rd bottle in the cellar for next year, but i dislike going down there, so it sat around for a week unopened... until last night.

Kind of having a general issue right now, because dad, who really shouldn't drink, and can get habitual about it, is now requesting a steady supply of the "holiday" port, and came home with a white wine the other day too. I am not happy for me or for him to have a steady supply of alcohol at home right now. I need to be dry for a couple weeks, after which I will be ok going back to my occasional drink. I was starting to drink too often... once i get that way, if it's available it can really escalate. Dad is worse - he is in total denial about his attraction to alcohol, so there is no controlling what he buys, and trying to talk to him is useless (unless one desires to be insulted, or worse, blamed for his "use" - to call a spade a spade).

That said... I am glad I had the Bailey's around that night. Nobody else touches Baileys, so I wasn't going to get yelled at the next day, as I would had I had any of the other things available. Plus I love Irish coffee beyond it's relaxing effect. ;) It was comforting. (now heating up the plain baileys was a waste of baileys... as far as taste or comfort goes. that part was pure "use" ... spades again. :o

Now this bottle is open though, i shall have to be very careful. :o

(((((hugs)))))

~ waves ~

To Steve
 

Dear Steve,

Thank you for your kind thoughts. :hug::hug::hug:

Perhaps I did not come across clearly in previous posts, so as to have given you the impression my mother was the bad guy here. Or, I hope it is ok for me to say, I wonder if you might be projecting a little, based on that terrible experience you had. My mother has her faults like everyone, and being too aggressive at times is one of them. But that wasn't what happened in this case. My mom was not joking or being derogatory. If calmly voicing genuine and realistic concerns for me is a sin, then and only then, she is guilty.

She and I have talked openly about the same concerns before, without my getting upset. She had no way to know that this particular time, I would react as I did. (Heck, even I was surprised by my reaction!) And even though some sparring ensued, she did stop when I became upset enough to insist i couldn't not continue. At that point, she was bewildered, but she did not persist.

I am truly sorry for what happened to you in that Supermarket, and the deep impact it has clearly had on you. Healing from these types of repeated trauma is incredibly difficult. I hope that your current therapeutic team can help you recover from it, at least in part. :hug:

I send you good thoughts and much love, with my sincere thanks for your sympathetic post. :Heart:

~ waves ~

To Pam
 

Dear Pam :heartthrob:

We are nowhere near a season change - coming up on midwinter in fact, so it wouldn't be that. As for winter itself, I do not tend to become depressed in winter. If anything the opposite happens. In fact I had to lower my zoloft significantly as winter came in due to budding hypomania. A month has since elapsed and I have been feeling fine - emotionally speaking.

the migraines are a different story. i did have a run of migraines in the preceding days. It's possible my mood instability could have been migraine-related. I'm just glad that flatness did go away during the course of the following day. WHEW.

Thank you for being here for me Pam. I really appreciate your support. :) :hug::hug::hug: :)

~ waves ~

To Mari
 

Dear Mari :hug::hug:

Indeeed Monday is a good day, thank you! :heartthrob: :)

As far as incidents of discord, I see no pattern - it happens at any and all times. I sometimes wake up to the two of them arguing.

In this case I've been looking into doing, but some risks are involved. Mom and I have had ongoing conversations about it. I was finding out more details, and started telling her about it. I actually initiated this conversation, and didn't expect to react the way I did to her (understandable) concerns, any more than she could have imagined it. :o

I am going to let it go. Whatever the explanation, like perhaps the preceding migraines, I'll never know what it is. I'd only drive myself crazy if i tried to analyze it. I'm good now - and i'm good with that. :):)

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts, for affirming me in your preceding post, and just for being here with me. :Heart:

(((((hugs)))))

~ waves ~

thank you for your kind posts waves. you are a sweetie.
I have been drinking more and more again....wondering when I ma going to stop...maybe after the cruise.I had the equivalence of 10 beers last night/ over a 5 hour period of time and did not sleep well....no wonder.
sigh
bizi

To DiMarie
 

Dear DiMarie

Thank you for your sweet post. :hug::hug:

Yes, the Baileys is wonderful. I pretty much always use it to make Irish Coffee... I do love that. It is very much a comfort drink, in flavor and feeling :) - it most definitely warms the soul...and the body! I only keep it in winter. It's great for when one feels chilly. Under normal circumstances, just one cup does the trick, with just a drop of Bailey's to produce the warming effect, without pharmacological effects.

Of course in this case I wanted a "drink" i.e. pharmacological effects. I made it very strong and had a nightcap straight. But the comfort drink aspect was still wonderful and perhaps contributed just as much.

Now i just hope i can manage moderation with the rest of the bottle.

~ waves ~

To Bizi
 

Dear Bizi, :heartthrob:

Yes I have been a bit concerned... you've made mention here and there. On the other hand it started with a holiday reprieve from abstinence... you could not foresee Jeff's accident and the consequent stress. This is a temporary situation though, and as it improves, the stress will let up. Then it will be easier to tackle the drinking. You have done it before and can do it again.

At the moment, I think that putting pressure on yourself about the drinking might have the opposite effect to that desired. At most, you might try to self-monitor and see if you can prevent further escalation - but be openminded, accept however that goes, and above all be kind to yourself about it. You might even be better off not thinking about it at all, and just go with the "flow" (eeks bad pun!) for the present time.

I wish you much enjoyment on the cruise. I hope it affords you some of the R&R you need, and that you emerge feeling refreshed, and invigorated by the time spent with your sisters.

All things in good time.

love and warm thoughts to you my dear friend :heartthrob:

(((((hugs)))))

~ waves ~

Waves. I'm sorry. I misunderstood the whole thing. My parents would say something,and hurt me. Then they would say that I'm super sensitive. So they would put the burden back on me.

I'm sorry for not reading all of the posts. I haven't done this recently because I've been worrying about my sister.

I may be wrong again in my post. I should read the whole tread before I post. I thought that it may be helpful,but I was sticking my foot in my mouth,misunderstanding,and getting things wrong. I apologize. If I do it again,please let me know. I'm sorry. BF:confused::hug::hug::hug:

To Steve
 

Dear Steve,

ABSOLUTELY NO apology is necessary! :Heart: :hug::hug::hug

I am sorry if I came across strongly... I felt I owed it to my mom more than anything else, and I did clarify to others in this thread also, who seemed to be chalking things up to my mom's actions. I solely am responsible for the impression i give of my mom and since I've brought up turbulent incidents with her before, it seemed likely I had not got across that this was different, i.e. a strange, unexpected, and unnatural reaction by me, during a perfectly acceptable conversation.

when you made reference to your dreadful supermarket experience it did also occur to me that in your case there might be some projection - seems i was wrong, please forgive me for that! It did not occur to me you might not have read all the posts, but I should have considered it. That has happened to me before.

Anyway i took the main point of your post to be your presence and support for me and i really appreciated that. :heartthrob:YOU WERE HELPFUL!:heartthrob: Absolutely! So really, please don't worry. i was in fact awed that you took the time to post to me, what with your current situation with your sister and how worried you must be andthensome.

I wish i'd let things slide about my mom now, for your sake. Unfortunately, I was feeling compelled... like I owed it to her because of things I've said in the past.

Again all i can say is thank you. and i always have you and your sister in my heart, and send continued wellwishes. :o :hug::hug::hug::hug:

You're the best, Steve. hang in there.

love

~ waves ~

Thank you Waves. I was badgered at the supermarket. I was bullied at a military academy,and it goes on,and on with these type of things in my life. My dad has a explosive anger.

I'm not very clear in my thoughts these days I guess. It's been a difficult month with my sisters illness,and bad news in US,and world events. I'm tired.

Thank you for what you said. I'm not fine tuned right now in what I'm saying about things. I am hurting right now.

When I talk about my parents,I know that they have had hard lives. My dad went through the depression in the US in the 1930's,and when he was 21,WWII began,and he joined what was called back then,The Army Air Corp(Air Force).

My mother dropped out of college because of anxiety,but she didn't admit it. Back then Mental Health problems where stigmas of shame I guess. Dad's dad died a couple of months before he was born in the great flu plague that went around the world from 1917-1920. My dad's dad died in 1920. They had all kinds of problems. When ever I talk about my parents,I realize that they had great difficulties that they had gone through in their lives,but those things affected me,and I need help to keep going,so that's why I mention the problems that I had with them. I wish them no harm,no judgement,and no ill will. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Thank you Waves. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Steve
 

I hear you loud and clear, Steve. It's the same with my folks. However they got the way they got is not their fault, but it helps if we can understand it, or identify patterns, for our own sakes, not to blame them but to help ourselves cope better, especially when we are dealing with them, or others who behave in similar manner.

I really hope things take a turn for the better with your sister soon, and that you can have some better times. It hurts my heart how much you are suffering, and I realize I probably cannot even imagine the extent.

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

I'm better now,and she's stable in a hospital for people who need close observation. We have to put gloves on,and a yellow bio suit to see her.
I think that all of this bothered me more then I thought. I wasn't able to talk for two weeks on the forum,and couldn't read the posts. BF:hug::hug::hug:

The isolation clothes that you have to wear is that for her protection or yours. sometimes people get a staph infection while in the hospital that is really contagious other times their immune system is very poor and the doctors want to protect her from the outside world as much as possible.
sorry for the garb.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Hi, Steve,

This can be exhausting. Pace yourself.

I wish your sister well.
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
M

Steve, :Heart:

I'm glad you are feeling better... well enough to post, and that you got to see your sister. Sorry that the protective garb upset you. I think it would get to me too.

~ waves ~

That would bother me too Steve. I am glad you were able to see her and that she was able to see you. :Heart: