Burden-upset
 

I had surgery today. On the way home from surgery today (I had to have fluid drained from the battery site of one of my scs's. Hoping it is not infected or rejecting) my husband tells me that his dad and dad's girlfriend think I am a burden. That's the perfect time of course. He said he didn't think I was, but it was said. I was very hurt and upset. I'm not sure how that would come up in a conversation. Anyway, their family has a nephew that is a pill addict who has been to rehab three or four times just this last year, my brother in law can't do anything for himself because is obese and unable to work or take care of himself due to his weight which he did on his own! Yet im the burden!! I did not do this to myself, and I work so hard to be independent and it's like everyone thinks I'm just attention seeking or something. My husband himself told his dad himself last year that divorce would be easier. Then, the other day, I said something about our daughter worried about him leaving and he said he would stick out for stubbornness! Not because he loved me, but that. I don't know why, but it seems like he doesn't really love me anymore, but feels obligated to stay with me. All that emotional stress adding to the physical pain of surgery and RSD itself just makes me feel terrible. I don't know what to do. Not to mention, worrying that the scs is rejecting and my work let me go due to all this, so I'd be on cobra or if I get ssdi Medicaid. I try to be positive, but sometimes it's just not easy.

TK

:(
:confused:

OMG! How Awful! My heart goes out to you! Yes, the pain and trying to power through it is hard enough but the emotional pain is almost worse. It's too bad that RSD/CRPS affects more women than men b/c we are usually the caregivers and the empathetic ones.
I've been struggling with my last resort of SCS for this reason and many more, but I'm running out of alternatives.
Wish I could give you a hug for real!:hug:

Aww TK, I'm so sorry :( that's completely unfair and mean. You must be devastated, but you've dealt with this disease and all it throws at you, and you are one strong woman. You know the truth of this, and you have to hang on to that, and try not to let his attitude make you doubt yourself.

People can be real jerks, and when those people are the ones you should be able to count on, it hurts so much. My daughter stayed over at my parents house once, and came home a bit distant and cold. Anyway it turned out that my parents and sister had been talking about me and saying I was making too much out of my leg, trying to get sympathy, and it was a bit old now, I should get over myself. Nice. I look at them now, and I know how they really feel, and it hurts every single time - you don't ever forget things like that.

Your story really struck a chord, my sister hasnt worked in a decade, lives with my parents still, and they take her to doctors appointments all the time with one imaginary illness after another. She's deliberately playing the system but they think she is great and she can do no wrong. She got a stick after I got crutches, and now I have a pain specialist she claims to be in constant pain. When she wants to she can do anything she wants, we've seen it too often, it seems she just doesn't want to work, whereas I would love to have a body that worked properly, and I'm working hard to hang on to my life. When I had to give up my job, I started a small self-employed business, and didn't sit around moping, but that means nothing to them. Double standards really are cruel, people can be so blind.

Anyone can be a jerk, sometimes especially the ones closest to you. Print him off the Wikipedia page about CRPS, it's clinical but holds no punches about how nasty this is. Ask him to read it and then to talk to you about how he feels. Sounds like you need to decide whether you want him around, not him deciding to stay with you out of some kind of obligation.

You are worth more than this. Always believe that, and keep your hopes up. Life won't always be so crappy for you.

Bram :grouphug:

Make him sit down and watch this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MviVcjWZDts

Then this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNfr903R4Jc

If his attitude doesn't change after then you need to seriously think whether you need him amymore

I am so sorry...no one should EVER make you feel this way. Sometimes extended family...people who don't really know you that well...really struggle to comprehend what it is that we go through. This can be made especially difficult if you ARE the sort of person who tries to be very independent and push through things. They have no idea how much effort it takes to do even the smallest task...let alone the big ones. And while I would never make excuses for your husband's dad and his girlfriend...it IS hard for them to really get it even when they try (and I don't think they are trying in your case).

But your husband...talk about someone who needs a kick in the behind and a smack to the head. HE should know better because HE should know you well enough to understand (at least partially) what you are going through. I really don't think anyone who doesn't have RSD can fully understand what we go through...just as I don't think I could really understand what it feels like to be someone with a terminal illness who knows they will die soon. We can say we understand things and we can really try to put ourselves in someone else's shoes...but it's not the same as experiencing it. But it doesn't even sound like your husband is trying.

I know that my RSD has an impact on the lives of everyone around me. I try NOT to be a burden but sometimes I know I am. More so than other people (like your brother in law and the others you mentioned)? I don't think so. So long as you do the best you can that's all anyone can ask. And if it's not enough to the point where someone else feels the need to make you feel lousy and guilty for things that are beyond your control...then maybe you need to seriously rethink the relationship. Maybe it's just a rough patch...something you guys need to work through. But the only way you will be able to work through it is by being open and honest with each other about what is really going on. I know it sucks...I reached that point with my boyfriend about a year before I was injured. Something wasn't quite right...he was making me feel crappy...we just had to work through it. We did and now things are wonderful and better than ever. When my RSD got worse he was with me all the way...a perfect mix of support and love who helps me out when I need it but doesn't make me feel broken. He pushes me to do what I need to so that I am better and stronger...but not in a way that makes me feel bad or guilty...in a way that makes me feel stronger. But we never would have gotten here if I had just gone on feeling crappy and never brought up that something was wrong. It was difficult and uncomfortable...and I knew there was a chance I would lose him...but sometimes you have to risk the losing to chance the winning because the bottom line is that if things continue as they are right now...you are both losing anyway.

Take care of yourself. Hugs.

Thank you all so much. Your kindness is much appreciated. We didn't have time to talk today. He was gone for work before I woke up, but hopefully tonight will be better. I definitely DO push myself as I am sure a lot of y'all do also. Right now I just don't have it in me, and that may be the problem. Again, thank you!!

TK

:hug::grouphug:

TK,
It seems that hubby comes from a terribly selfish family. My heart and love go out to you!

I hate to say this, but, be prepared. You may need to see a divorce attorney. You deserve love! As we all do!

Do what you must, you still've got a long way to go!

Pete

asb

A burden? That is so unfair and its not true. We all have different things to give in relationships.

And why would he tell you that? Unless it was to explain why you wouldn't be seeing those people any time soon, then I can't see what is to be gained by telling you.

I'm sorry you are being treated that way.

:hug:

Right now I think I'm just being avoided. My husband used to work until 3:30-4. Now I don't see him before 6. It's really depressing. I just kind of lay here all day. Probably not good for me.

What if you asked him "what if the shoe was on the other foot?"

TK,

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. That someone who has professed to love you through sickness and health would kick you while your down, just infuriates me.

I would try to focus on YOU right now. You've got enough on your plate with the scs situation. When your own health issues are a bit more stable, I would revisit this issue with your husband. If you aren't already seeing a counselor, I would start now. Confronting your husband, which for me would HAVE to happen at some point, can end 1 of 3 ways.....it's either going to make things better/get things back on track, stay the same, or make the option of staying with him totally unacceptable. I would want to have some emergency plans in place incase that conversation(s) went horribly wrong.

As Bramble said, you've been dealing with the RSD monster, we KNOW that you are strong.

Take care of yourself....and know that you ARE supported, here at least :grouphug:

1. I wonder why dh told you what they said?? to gossip and hurt your feelings- because that's what happened..

2. Did he have your back and defend you to them , or just keep quiet, or agree with them??:confused:

But, I would try to not worry about what they think & say, and when you can focus on your & dh relationship..

I think Az-Di made a good point about what if the boot was on the other foot...

When you marry someone, you BOTH make promises to each other. "For better, for worse. In sickness and in health..." If things had been different and he had had an accident and lost a limb, or gone blind, or contracted cancer or any other long-term loss of health, would you have looked after him? Would you have given your love and time freely and gladly because you loved him? Would you protect and defend him from hurtful comments? Would you try to get his loved ones to understand things better to make his life happier? Would you hide any feelings of frustration from him and try to be cheerful? Of course you would.

Conversely, would you blame him for his condition? Would you make him feel guilty for you having to do so much? Would you listen to those who spoke badly of him, and then pass on those remarks to him, knowing how much he would be hurt and his relationships with those people damaged? No.

My husband went through a patch a while back of just being miserable and put-upon, and we ended up talking it all through, and I asked him whether he thought I would stick by him if it had been him instead of me? He got it, and although he has down days, he definitely tries harder to remember that I didn't choose this. I am lucky, he has never told me I am a burden. I was thinking of how you describe things with your husband, and how I would feel if it were me.....my overwhelming response is that the disease is bad enough, I wouldn't need the added emotional trauma of daily life with someone who made me feel so bad.

Only you can decide. But don't be afraid of making a tough decision where any relationship is concerned. If someone in your life is toxic, although choosing to shut them out might be the hardest thing ever, think also of how much better you could feel without all those bad feelings crowding in on you ever day.

Maybe he needs to know that you DO have a choice. That you do not view yourself as a burden desperately shackled to him. He might think you can't cope without him. My bet is that you could. Sometimes they need to know that you value yourself more than they think. The shock of realising he could lose you might trigger a major rethink, it might not, but I think you could feel empowered and better about yourself...

You deal with this every damn day, while bringing up your little daughter and living a life as worthwhile as any. That makes you one hell of a strong individual. If he can't see that, then he is an idiot and doesn't deserve you.

Sorry. Just makes me mad. Didn't mean to be so wordy :rolleyes:

Take care of yourselves everyone, and have a better day.

Bram :grouphug:

I just recently went through something similar to what you did. I had a particularly bad day and spent most of the day in bed. In the evening when I TRIED to have a normal conversation with my husband of many years he groused that perhaps if I woke up early enough to talk with him, we could have a normal conversation. I retorted with "perhaps if he had my disease he would understand that I have bad days".

Then he said "I wish I had your disease, then I wouldn't have to work". Talk about a punch in the gut. I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone.

In my mind, I'm justifying his remarks as coming from pressure about being the breadwinner, the insurance provider, etc. But he is older than I and although this disease is awful, I believe that one day I will be giving him physical assistance to the best of my abilities. And I hope that I have enough character to not complain to him about what a chore he is to me.

This disease takes a toll on relationships and marriages. I am mentally prepared that if he wants out, he knows where the door is. I don't need someone with attitude in my life and I strongly believe that G*d provides for us. With that said, I also believe that his verbalization of his feelings may have provided a pressure relief valve to him.

I removed myself from his attitude and went back to bed. LOL. Tomorrow is another day and I'll see what that brings.

I don't know if this helps you but just know that you are not alone.

I am so sorry
 

People can be so stupid, crude and heartless. They really have no idea what this is like. I would like to see the walk in our shoes, for a week, I bet they'd jump off a bridge.
Don't for a SINGLE minute think that it's true. And the next time your husband says something like that, ask him if he would act the same way if you had cancer. Or if he was in the same position, how he would feel having u say that to him.

I think sometimes it would be easier to deal with it on our own. Maybe then I could Medicaid or something and at least have medical coverage and possibly a CNA to caregiver to help around the house. ur condition needs to have more media/public awareness.

It's ridiculous that so many people have this, and no one around us including most doctor seems to have a real clue abut how intense the pain is or how it can truly destroy our lives.

I am so sorry the people around you are completely jack asses. I wish there was something I could do other than say I truly know how you feel....

I hope your scs heal well and works a little miracle for you! I really wish I could help you in some way. But try and stay strong. you do still have your little one. She loves you unconditionally, so there is love in your life