I am getting really upset. I don't know why!!!
 

Hi.

I am getting really upset! I feel it sort of building up...

And I don't know why!

Nothing has happened, nobody has been mean or hurtful, there have been no sad or disturbing events, haven't watched anything untowards on tv, or read anything.... this just crept up on me OUT OF THE BLUE!

Feeling antsy and irritable and, well just plain UPSET!!! With maybe just a touch of melancholy involved but only just. Indignant - yeah that too. Indignant? At nothing?? This is ridiculous!

----------

I fell asleep for a couple hours today for no apparent reason too. Still hasn't brought total up much, night sleep + day nap came to ~5 hours again! And now it is 4.40 am, I am wide awake and can't sleep! This could easily mess up my sleep schedule again, which would be a problem.

waves who was writing yesterday and today - lots of fun it was, too. Srsly don't get what my problem is.

are you angry?
 

Waves,

Sleep would help whatever is happening but on the other hand lack of sleep might be the lion's share of the problem.

It stinks that you were doing your writing and feeling o.k. enough and now you are not.

Sorry. Throwing meds at it and getting some sleep can help me with this sometimes.

Mari

Waves I'm sorry that you are feeling upset. I'm feeling the same thing today myself.

It seems to come out of the blue,and for no reason sometimes. Then it subsides at some point,and time.

I hope that you feel better soon. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Could anything or nothing, gee I wish you felt better. Sometimes we do get funky with lack of sleep, our brains need it. Can a med be causing insomnia? Did any levels recently get adjusted?
Smell a flower, buy a flower or paint a lower or anything that is warm and fuzzy.
Hugs

Hi ... Update
 

Thanks so much you guys for your support! You all are the bestest! :D

Good News: I am feeling decidedly better today! :) Right back to feeling A-OK.

And I think I have figured out what was causing my bad mood last night, too. It is nothing obscure but perhaps last night I just could not see the forest for the trees.

----------------

I'd like to reply individually, so I'll go ahead and do that, and explain better as I go.

waves

Hi Waves
 

I am sorry you are upset. You have friends here who care about you. Try to do something that pleases you. Some activity, someplace you want to go to. It will take your mind off of being upset, and replace it with something enjoyable. My councilor told me when I get like that, to replace that "feeling" and fill up with something else. It works! This last week, I was feeling pretty upset and low, so I dragged my butt out of the house, I really didn't want to, and went to the Bishops planetarium and watch the "Star" show. I came home refreshed and much happier. I forgot about being upset altogether. Just consider it, it may work for you too. I do care about you waves. ginnie:hug::grouphug:

Mari...
 

Well, sleep helped. I apparently needed more sleep than my recent-usual (once I finally got sleepy, lol), so perhaps that did contribute some.

Yeah, and this was food for thought. I was more than o.k. writing, I was doing great. I ate and watched evening tv - still happy dappy. Then, I surfed youtube for several hours. Kablammy! Hmmm.... what was I doing on youtube?

I watched swimming videos -- various kinds, including coaching and tips, pool etiquette, and olympic races. I must have done that for 2-3 hours! :eek:

WHY?! Well, I'm strongly ambivalent about my pool venture. When I launched into it I was really keen and excited. The experience was anticlimactic. I had a delayed reaction because I tried to rationalize/minimize the issues at first. Of course, things gradually sank in. Result: part of me wants to throw in the towel, but the part of me that doesn't got on youtube...

I was watching the videos to try to figure out what I might be able to fix/adapt in what I do that could make this work for me. But it was like facing the music, along with the other issues (those beyond my control) dancing in my head as well. It makes sense to me now that I'd be upset after doing that for 2-3 hours.

Well, I threw some teen tv at it and got sleepy... I got 7 hours total last night. I did wake up after 3 hours-ish but only for a minute or so. :)

Re: Are you angry? -- YES!!! That too!
 

Dear Mari

It's interesting you ask if I was angry (your post title). I think that is in this package too, yes. My anger isn't "reasonable" -- it is not based on realistic expectations, so I perhaps did not acknowledge it. But, yes:

1. I am angry that I will have to share a lane and worry about crashing into people (more than viceversa).
2. I am even angrier that when the pool is "busy" the lane-sharing might involve 3, 4, 6 people from what I have found out on youtube.
3. I am angry that I don't have other alternatives for swimming.
4. I am angry they don't have a pool with deep (can't touch bottom) end.
5. I am angry that I don't have the whole entire pool to myself! (LOL)
6. I am angry that I have to undress in front of people and either a) be naked in front of them or b) look stupid holding my towel with my teeth to avoid (a).
7. I am angry that when I leave the pool with clean chlorinated feet and dedicated flip-flops, I have to walk through an ankle-deep pool of standing water. What is the point of having slippers "for hygiene reasons" if you are going to dunk them in a bath of water with your feet... and can't re-chlorinate the feet afterwards! You might say, take the flip-flops off, well that would be even worse as other people do not remove their slippers. I'm sorry, but that's just gross! :mad:
8. I am angry that I spent all this money and will probably have to spend more just to fix things and still can't fix everything.
9. I am angry that I spent all this money and now feel like I am pulling teeth to get something out of it.
10. I am angry at myself for having such high expectations of a situation that I was clueless about (I'd never used a public pool before -- not even used in the U.S.)
11. I am angry at myself for not buying a single one-day pass to check it out before I got the 10 visit package + required membership card.
12. I am angry that I don't have a home with a large pool in my backyard for my own private and exclusive use. :D

Let's face it: I miss the sea.

----------------------

I'll be back to answer other posts a bit - I have to research something for my mom.

waves

Waves

I think you are doing a good job answering your anger.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Hi Steve - I hope you feel better soon, too
 

Thanks Steve! :hug::hug::hug:

This does happen to me sometimes too, and it troubles me no end. I so hate when my mood inexplicably drifts off into some weird direction. Feelings are just easier to deal with when you can figure out a cause. As you can see from the earlier posts, it finally dawned on me that I got upset about something specific, and that is reassuring beyond the fact of feeling fine today.

It is scary when it happens out of the blue. I am sorry you were going through that yesterday. I hope you start feeling better soon. Lots of hugs to you. You are a dear person. Thank you so much for your support and understanding. :hug::hug::hug:

waves

Oh waves
 

I wish you could come visit me. The Sea, the Gulf of Mexico is at my back door. if I could transport you here I would.
I have trouble walking, so when I do go, I take a pain pill to be able to go the 127 steps to the beach. Uneven sand plays heck with my ankles. I try to go every other day either early in the morning, or in the evening when it cools enough so you don't die! The water is more like bath water. Most of the time clear enough to see 40- feet down and more. Certain times of the year, it gets that Caribbean Aqua blue. It almost hurts your eyes it is so beautiful.

Our city fathers made a big mistake, they advertised this place. Now it is nothing like it was 20 years ago. Traffic is crazy. Any place is crowded. so in some ways it is sad to see it go from a quaint place to a tourist destination that is in the top 10 in the world. According to some papers, it is #3 in back of Paris, and Hawaii.

There are good parts Waves, but as a whole way too expensive now for me to hold out here. Soon I will move inland to where I can afford the ever increasing taxes. NONE of my neighbors have insurance anymore. maybe 50% have already sold out and moved.

I try to take it in one day at a time when I can. Appreciate it for what it is in the here and now.

If you ever can take a trip, take a trip here. Even with the crowds it is worth seeing. Look it up on the internet if you care to. I wish you could be here along with all of NT folks who need the break. ginnie

Hey Di
 

Dear DiWell, as you can see I figured it out. And also feel fine. But just to answer the questions:

No, no med changes. Also not "technically" sleep deprived and no insomnia. My concern about my schedule being messed up is pretty chronic -- it is hard for me to stay on any kind of schedule. I don't know if it's possible, but I've often wondered if I have a 25 or 26-hour circadian rhythm.

When I have to for work and such, I end up sleep deprived, but currently I can sleep whenever I need. Just would prefer to try and establish a schedule, for the swimming, and for job searching.

In any case, lately I have slept all I wanted; I just have had a slightly reduced need for sleep -- feel rested with just 5 hours. This could indicate mild activation. Trying to stay vigilant for that.

For reasons unknown, last night (i.e. this morning :D), my body claimed 7 hours full. Today my mood is the same as it has been (good with high energy).

I loved your thoughts about smelling a flower or painting one or anything that was warm and fuzzy. Made me smile. You have a knack for that. ;):hug: Thank you so much for your post.

waves

hey Donna
 

THanks Donna! :) :hug:

Yes indeed, getting all that out was pretty cathartic!!! :cool: :)

waves

Hey Ginnie, I get it
 

If only! Would love it!!!!
I am sorry about your ankle pain, Ginnie. :( I remember those uneven sands... I love them!
Yep, I know the kind. I grew up in the Caribbean, so I'm spoiled rotten when it comes to sea water and beaches, even though I appreciate the seaside just about anywhere. I haven't been to beaches on the Gulf Coast but some photos some look similar to Caribbean locations. The brilliant turquoise and aquamarine is something else, isn't it!

I hear you. That happened to the place I grew up too. I had some friends visit there decades after I'd been gone. They talked about diving with dolphins for $100 or more... like 10 mins worth. They were all excited about how "realistic" and beautiful the underwater environment was. Iy made me sick to the stomach.

When I lived there, there were already major hotels, but they didn't have all the super-artificial crud they started adding. There was a (man-made) channel, and dolphins would come through to visit. (also turtles, rays, etc). There was a walkway from which one could watch them play, or even reach out to them, they were friendly. But they could leave whenever they felt like.

As for "realistic" underwater places... Who wants realISTIC when you've got REAL. But they dug out the island to put in fake stuff for which they could sell tickets. The natural reefs were everywhere and splendid. All you had to do is swim out a little way to see that REAL beauty. Easily accessible, waters shallow enough for snorkeling, diving equip not necessary. And cost maybe $15 to get somebody with a lil boat to take you if you weren't at a shore that had a reef close by. Friend of mine had a house on the water... could swim out to the reef from there easy.

Yes, it is sad. I don't know the ranking of where I lived, but it is up there. I understand.

I am sorry about this Ginnie. :(

Let's just try to hang in there, and say a prayer for these special places that the big industries are hacking up with their "investments", Ginnie.

Thanks so much for your other post as well. I am happy to say I am doing fine today. I was overwrought after immersing myself in the swimming issues for too long. I am glad I found the explanation, too.

Take care :hug::hug::hug:

waves

much sympathy
 

Waves,

Today is crazy busy but I want to respond to some things in case any of my words help.

1. You do not have to worry about crashing into other people. They are supposed to watch out for you too . (There are sites that have suggestions for this but I think it varies from pool to pool: . . .. talking to the person in the lane, finding a lane with a swimmer of similar speed)

2. Three or four people is a lot. I am hoping that you do not encounter that very often.

3. The pool is not anywhere close to fresh water or ocean. Pools are a different kettle of fish. The only thing that makes them similar is water.

4. I was at a pool that was shallow like that. It felt weird. Maybe it is a liability issue.

5. I like to swim by myself too so I understand.

6. I grew up with brothers and a sister so I am soooo past getting undressed in front of people. But again, I understand. I think one trick is to wear something that is easy to get off and on. Here there is gym ttiquette that invovles not looking at anyone dressing. The dresser should not be looking either. Looking is not appropriate. One reason is because the looking can be construed as a come one . .. (O.K. I looked all over for that and cannot find a site to link to. It cannot be that I made that up. Anyway, it is common sense to ignore people in the locker room and wait until you are in the pool area or the gym area to talk to people.)

7. Yes. That is a problem. That would be the worst problem for me. Wash yourself thoroughly when you get home ( and dry your feet thoroughly). That is the only suggestion I have.

8. Probably you cannot fix anything except adjust your previous expectations considerably. This is about living and working and working out in crowded conditions.

9.It does feel like a lot of money and you are not getting everything you want out of it.

10. I have used public pools until 10 or so years ago and they are not the same as the ocean but they can work well enough with some adjustment. They will never substitute for the beach.

11. It is o.k. that you did not check it out more thoroughly. It happens. Do not give yourself a hard time. You thought that the whole thing would make sense. . . .that at least SOMETHING would make sense. (See above when I said that apparently the only thing that does make sense is WATER.)

12. Pools in backyards have a hefty insurance cost. Non filthy rich people look for homes without pools. BUt yes, it would be cool to step outside and swim in our own pool.

There are good reasons to go to the gym.
THere are lots of sites about gym etiquette so you are not the one who wishes things were nicer:
http://www.carlmason-liebenberg.com/...tte-essential/
I tired to find lane sharing etiquette, but found much variation -- prolly depends on the pool.
. . . I saw some links about sharing lanes. Knowing what to expect from the other swimmer and knowing what the other swimmer expects from you might help with your anger/anxiety/and so on . . . .. (Do not make up rules that do not exist. 80% of the other people are doing their best to share. They are trying to be considerate of your needs. )
Talk to the people at the desk. Or ask the people who are swimming . . ask when they get to the end of the lane.

M

http://pandce.proboards.com/thread/24887

Above is a link I found. There does not seem to be agreement so you might need to observe and talk to people.

Good luck.

Try going to the gym two more times and then decide if you do not like it. Maybe the next two times will be non-horrible.

Mari

swimming and pool comments
 

Thanks very much, Mari. :hug::hug::hug:

Thank you for understanding.

---------------
On lane sharing:

I looked at lane-sharing etiquette a lot on youtube. I might have to redo the search in a different language to see if I get more insight as to what is done here, but I learned enough about what is done in the U.S. to realize that, hey, this is not some totally weird thing.

I also found out there are different ways to do it, and different degrees of etiquette. One video says you must get consent from the other swimmer. Another says swimmers will often not want to stop their workout and that's ok and tells you how to proceed, i.e., the assumption is that lane-sharing is always acceptable. The guy that got into the lane with me observed what this second video said. He followed the exact steps actually, but basically the idea is to be slow and cautious about it, make sure the other swimmer knows you are there and stick to your side.

I have lots of doubts about different things. For instance, I change strokes. This is not a strange thing either -- this is recommended for exercising. Yet, I did not see one single, solitary other person in there, at any point, doing anything but freestyle. That is the easiest stroke for sharing lanes but I do not intend to swim all freestyle.

You mention picking someone with similar speed. Well, I did not pick who shared my lane. I do not know that I'd feel comfortable entering an occupied lane. If I continue, I'll have to figure that out. I do keep seeing references to slow and fast lanes on internet though. Well, I saw no indication at this place that certain lanes were "faster" than others. I can ask about that probably. I need to be on the slowest possible side if there is one.

A serious problem of mine... I do not have good balance which means I suck at swimming in a straight line. That sounds pathetic because it is pathetic. But that is why I worry more about crashing into someone than about being crashed into. It also means that, if sharing, I must constantly check where I am and where the other person is, because I stray from my orientation in the lane too easily.

Focusing on relative position so much distracts me from focusing on my stroke. Bad thing, because cleaning up the strokes is important for 1) healthy movements, 2) a good workout 3) implicitly straighter swimming!

---------------
On the foot pool:

That is so majorly gross. The memory of wading through it has sort of haunted me. I do have an idea for a post-correction (besides washing at home as you suggest). I was thinking of bringing a travel bottle of disinfecting detergent washing my feet & top part of flip-flops when I rinse after the pool. I can probably find an essential oil that is antimycotic to add to the det. Hopefully an oil we already have at home. Still, the whole concept of that foot pool does gross me out big time, even if I can correct for it afterwards.

---------------
On the changing:

I mostly do the "look stupid and take measures to not be nekkid" approach. That still involves underwear exposure and stuff, or I might not be completely but somewhat exposed... can deal with that. Also I show up with my suit underneath, so I only have to change when leaving. If I get too bothered, I will forgo that and keep a wet swimsuit underneath. Yeah, less than ideal. Can't think of anything in this experience that is ideal though.

Another thing about the changing rooms. Actually 2.

1. Children. Last time, a grandma was in there with her grandSON who was about 5. The boy would not take his eyes off me. I fiddled with my stuff until they were ready -- and they took their bleeding time. The kid stared at me continously. No other women were in there. I do not know if that grandma totally expected me to go ahead and change in front of the kid, or what. Even if I were ok changing with other women, it seems hugely inappropriate to do so in front of a 5 year old male child, but that may not be the case in this culture. I mean many women go topless beaches but I've not seen full nudity at "normal" beaches. A different view is taken to nudity overall though, so who can tell what the expectations are. Anyway, I was upset by the kid being in there. I also felt like the stupid woman should have reprimanded him for staring, regardless of what I was doing or not doing.

2. Maintenance. While fiddling with things, I suddenly heard an adult male voice. They are repainting the changing rooms and he was showing someone something about a color. A female attendant was with him. She probably checked nobody was undressed before entering, but I was standing there in a dripping bathing suit and towel. For all she knew, I could have stripped nekkid the very next second. That was creepy.

Sorry for the super long reply. I am going to go off and do something different for a while now.

Thank you for taking the time to reply before. Your post was comforting. :hug::hug:

waves

I was very glad to read this.
bizi

LOL Bizi! What is it that makes you glad:
-- the one 7-hour night?
-- the possible activation?
-- the "sort of vigilance"?

I was back to 5 hours last night... and I woke up after only 3 hours feeling almost good enough to get up.

waves

I wish I'd never had this brilliant pool idea... sigh.
 

This is a helpful and maybe doable suggestion. It is a sensible suggestion and doesn't put lots of pressure on me, unlike my mother's:

-- Well now that you've paid for it you better do it because you'll definitely get some benefit out of it.

Sure... but at what additional cost? Anyway.

For my part, I'd thought in terms of breaking even on single-day entries, but even that seems onerous right now. I'd have to go 5 times (4 more) so that what I spent would be just under the cost of 5 single visits, but even that feels too hard. I think I need to take it one day at a time for now, despite being painfully aware that if I space things out too much I won't increase my fitness level at all. :o:(

Today I was all packed to go, including mini-bottle with disinfectant detergent spiked with melaleuca essential oil for antimycotic action. I didn't make it. I ate leftover turkey at 9 am - probably dumb, but I was real hungry. It doesn't usually bother me but at 11.00 today my stomach was churning - swimming not good idea.

-----------------

I think I need not to read any more stuff on the internet. I have read what I need at this point - the rest must be figured out in the situation. I searched for some local stuff this morning to find out about lane sharing tendencies here, and found people with serious attitude. One guy was talking about blimps, fata$$es, slowpokes, old farts, etc... It made me angry and resentful, but also really inept. :( With my current level of (un)fitness, after decades of not swimming, and considering I was no hotshot to start with, I qualify for two of the four insults I mentioned.

I slumped back in bed, fell asleep with the stupid turkey on my stomach and the mean forum posts (those above AND others) on the brain. I dreamed that I skipped the gym pool today but practiced in the small condo pool (inexistent in RL). Every time I tried to adjust my stroke somehow, I'd end up vertical -- basically treading water. :rolleyes:

Such were today's swimming adventures.

waves feeling under the gun

I am sorry you are feeling under the gun about this. Wish it were easier for you.
If i remember right your parents were saying that you were being louder than usual....
that was maybe a week or so ago. and now the little need for sleep which is not good for us bipolar people. There could be no reason for getting manic no reason at all not saying that you are. Just verbalizing that sometimes I can get manic for no good reason it is just the way the beast works.
just concerned.
I could not open up your email this morning. thanks for remembering this is day one for me, I can use all of the support I can get. I got on the scale this morning and scared myself. this is the most I have weighed in over a year. not a happy camper....will have to really get serious about my eating habits. The not drinking should be helpful too. And I am going to go back to the gym more faithfully, no more excuses.
sorry that the pool did not work out for you today.
bizi

activation for a month maybe more
 

Bizi the little need for sleep is not just now - it has been this way maybe a month... I don't track it but it's been this way for weeks I can say that. Totally right about mania happenign for no reason it happened to me in spring and it went very fast, like it hit faster than I knew what was happening but I was a mess.

Maybe as long as the loudness... maybe one started a bit before than the other but probably not far apart. The parents shushing me is how i noticed the loudness and at the time they said AT LEAST two weeks - which was as far back as they could remember - it might have been more. I certainly couldn't remember. I asked because it was getting old getting shushed up so much. (Still happening, btw).

Along with that high energy, good mood (but to me just plain good, nothin' stellar), easily very excited and also riled both though -- more vivacious reactions in both cases, but no sulking or depression and no rage or anything.

And one other thing I won't say here. haha.

Oh and occasional spells of thoughts racing but not much.

Activation, definitely. Enough to call hypomania? dunno... who can say, but it seems mild despite the constellation of stuff. I really don't see this being to the point of mania because it just seems too mild to me -- my thinking seems linear enough and stuff -- that and I don't get like super antsy by the afternoon where I feel the need to guzzle alcohol or have someone whack me over the head. :rolleyes:

waves

p.s. I excluded the swim stuff here, becaus that is more an ongoing thing not just something that happened to get past, plus I've had to research things / wanted to to try and make it work. Bit of disappointment also normal because I got really hyped and launched into it full force and maybe the initial hype and rush into things could be a bit not normal for me.

maybe a bit impulsive?
thanks for not getting upset with me about my post.
bizi

Yeah the swim thing was impulsive but i was also really reeeellly excited about it... that superexitement maybe was a bit extra extra but no major damage or anything.

np yu make valid point. just trying to explain all the other stuff... lots of it too. i think i am ok though. ;)

thansk for your support! :hug::hug:

love
waves

slept more last night
 

Well,

I slept more than 5 hours again last night -- about 7 hours. That's twice in the span of a few days, so maybe I am starting to level off.

We'll see. Energy, mood, all the other stuff still up there -- not complaining! :D NO mixed sx!

waves

On Lane Sharing, on the foot pool, on the changing
 

Waves,

Right. I have done this but did not love it. Something tells me that serious swimmers do not notice the second or third swimmer as long as no one crashes into anyone else.

You can do your own stroke. You are expected to do what works for you.

Probably we should not be using the word "crash." Two people might swim into each other and depending on how fast they are going they might get hit. At most someone would be annoyed. Otherwise, both would go back to swimming. I hated focusing on staying in the lane because I had to have my eyes open or wear googles and that was a lot of work -- the watching the lane markers.

Form is more important than speed. You know that.

You are resourceful. These are good ideas.
I hope that someone cleans up the pool.

.I like the idea to go home in the wet suit.

People are indeed stupid. I try to cut them some slack. Maybe she was doign the best she could and she had other stuff going on that we do not know about. I know that sometimes I look stupid to others when infact I am working hard to manage.

THat should not have happened. People are morons. Some are careless morons.


I am going to read your other posts.
Mari

Waves,
Yeah. That is a stupid and entirely unhelpful response.
The pool is a "sunk" cost wether you go or not.
Go. Don't go. But at this point, your decision to go should not involve the money you spent.


I do not know where you are right now so I do not know if you think you might go back.

This might not be about only fitness. It is about doing something for yourself outside of the home.

It is easy to get thrown off plans I think because the plan is not part of a routine yet.
-----------------

Yes. I hope that you have stopped.

What a jerk. I am sorry that you had to see that.

Mari