The Two Sides
 

This is my world.


Dark
Sadness drapes it's dark blanket around me. My vision becomes tunnel like as the blackness creeps around and over me, surrounding me and smothering me with the weight of emptiness. Smoky tendrils of despair wrap and weave themselves around me as they look for a way inside.

I am powerless, motionless as I feel the negative aura soak into my soul. My core becomes dense and heavy, the world becomes gray.


Bright
Excitement pumps through me, pulsating from my chest, filling me with energy and enthusiasm and ideas, ideas that spin through my mind, that circle and swoop and appear in brilliant fleeting flashes. Time is speeding up, colors are bright and bold and I am happy, I am elated and funny and everybody wants to be me, to be near me, to bathe in the brilliance of my energy and positivity.

So much energy, there is humor in everything, I am impatient, I'm so very high, everything is amazing, why can't the rest of them see? They don't understand, I'm different, better, special. There are no consequences, I'm above that.

Hi! (no pun intended... ok maybe a little)
 

That was a beautiful post! :) Thank you for sharing your writing with us!

waves

I saw you posted in the new comers forum.
Welcome
I saw this too so hope you don't mind me posting this.
At this time there is only one other male posting here his name is
broken friend Steve
bizi

Well said,
Welcome new friend!

Thanks
 

I just wanted to thank everyone for making me so welcome!

It is beautiful.
'Reads like a sad sad poem.

M

Patriotrising. Welcome to the forum. I'm the only other male on here. Some come,and go. I've been on here for a long time. Thank you Bizi. BF:grouphug:

Yep. Man. This is very bipolar. That's quite a swing. I haven't felt the humor,and a high feeling in a long time,but when I do,I feel basically how you described it. BF:grouphug:

things to consider and to discuss with a psychiatrist
 

Dear Patriotising,

I hope that you come back soon and check in with us.

I have some questions for you to consider:

-----------------------

1. Have you ever done any of the following during a "bright" spell?
   
   
   • taken on projects which were unrealistic?
   • thought you could do things or learn to do things that go beyond human capacity (eg: fly)?
   • behaved in ways that are socially unacceptable?
   • behaved in ways that endangered you/others, due to feelings of excessive power or unrestrainable impulse?
   • done things you'd normally consider unethical?
   • made excessive purchases, rash investments, life changes, or similar?
   
   
2. If so, to what degree were you aware, during the episode (as opposed to after), that your behavior was "off"?
   
   
3. After a "bright" spell, do you ever find yourself feeling any of the following, as a result of your behaviors:
   
   
   • regretful/remorseful,
   • guilty,
   • ridiculous,
   • confused/disoriented
   
   
4. How long do your "bright" spells usually last?

-----------------

You do not need to post the answers here. If you do wish to share (or have questions), that's fine too, and we can discuss things together. Don't feel pressured. however.

I mostly think it would be good to mention any of these that apply to the psychiatrist you see. I'd speak by examples. This will aid a possible diagnosis as bipolar, and even more specifically, as type I or type II.

It is also important to let the doctor know which problems you've encountered solely while taking Prozac (or other drugs) and which, while unmedicated.

Hope to see you back soon. :hug:

waves

Answers
 

Have you ever done any of the following during a "bright" spell?

Taken on projects which were unrealistic?
No, but I have been given projects by my boss that were unrealistic.

Thought you could do things or learn to do things that go beyond human capacity (eg: fly)?
I assume you mean self powered flight without the use of an aircraft? No.

Behaved in ways that are socially unacceptable?
Surely this would be entirely dependent on the social circles one moves in? Shouting obscenities in church on Sunday morning would be socially unacceptable. Doing the same at your team on television on Superbowl Sunday not so. I also really couldn't care less about what society deems acceptable or not.

Behaved in ways that endangered you/others, due to feelings of excessive power or unrestrainable impulse?
Behaved in ways that have endangered myself, yes. Many many times. Speeding, playing with fireworks, drinking too much etc. Due to feelings of excessive power or unrestrained impulse, no.

Done things you'd normally consider unethical?
I do things that others consider unethical on a daily basis. I do not consider them so.

Made excessive purchases, rash investments, life changes, or similar?
Sold everything and moved to a different country in 2002. Yes.

If so, to what degree were you aware, during the episode (as opposed to after), that your behavior was "off"?
I've always known I'm 'different'.

After a "bright" spell, do you ever find yourself feeling any of the following, as a result of your behaviors:

regretful/remorseful
No

guilty
No

ridiculous
No

confused/disoriented
No

How long do your "bright" spells usually last?
Sometimes days, months, sometimes hours.

Clarification and some notes
 

I have added some [inline comments]:

Basically, most bipolars have spells in which their behavior is significantly different from their usual behavior. The degree to which this is true can vary.

This is the reason I asked these questions, and why the answers/examples would help your doctor determine whether or not your are bipolar.

Your dark/bright post certainly suggests bipolar spectrum to me, but that isn't enough for a diagnosis. Mood instability can be present with other disorders. Most bipolars have times when they are not manic/hypomanic or depressed, although for some, these times might be few and far between. After a long time of unremitting cycling, it can be difficult to determine what is "in character".

waves

On manic aftermath...
 

This suggests to me that you feel your behavior during "highs" remains consistent with your personality. Am I correct? Other interpretations are possible but I am just thinking in terms of bipolar here.

Type I bipolars almost always end up doing things that are out of character during manic episodes; when they "come down" they often experience at least one of the above. I didn't include shame, but I should have.

Type II bipolars do not do as many things that they ordinarily wouldn't or feel contrary about, so they are less likely to have these feelings. However some aftermath can occur, especially with more intense hypomania.

---------------------
Bipolar I = at least one Manic Episode, possible Major Depressive Episodes. (Depression incidence can be anywhere from pervasive to completely absent.)

Bipolar II = at least one Hypomanic Episode + at least one Major Depressive Episode.
---------------------

waves

Patriotrising,

The sadness in your posts and audio is palpable.
I do appreciate your sense of humor.

Mari