The giant sucking black hole that is Depression.
 

I am suffering from a self-inflicted wound. Not literally, of course, but let me explain.

I’ve been on Prozac for quite a few years now. It had worked well but I was going through a rough patch around two years ago, and I sought help from a psychiatrist about adjusting my medications. She added Bupropion to my daily routine. I now only see her three or four times a year for a quick 20 minute appointment.

The last time I saw her, she encouraged me to consider discontinuing the Bupropion, which I did last May. As it turns out I shouldn’t have.

So here I sit crying my eyes out, over what? Nothing. Of course it doesn’t feel like nothing. Depression is insidious. Last Saturday my hubby and I had a squabble. I started by bringing up an old disagreement upon which he and I have never agreed.

In other words, I picked a fight with him. It lasted all of about five minutes, and no voices were raised, but it left me with hurt feelings. As the day went on my hurt feelings multiplied, leaving me a sniveling mess by the end of the day. I’ve been that way since last Saturday.

Like I said before, Depression is so insidious. It literally distorts your view of reality. I am usually a very up-beat person, but right now I am a real buzz kill. Monday morning I started taking Bupropion again. In hindsight it is clear that I need it. Now I have to wait a couple of weeks for it to start working again.

Then I started thinking of how lucky I am to know what to do when I get this way. I remembered how awful it was to live this way before I found antidepressants. The worst part back then was not knowing that life can look so much brighter.

So I decided to write about this experience here. Over the years I have read posts by others on NeuroTalk in which they wonder if an antidepressant might help them. I’m here to tell you that it is worth a try. It can make a big difference.

So here I’ll sit in a puddle of my own tears waiting for the Bupropion to kick in. Thank God for Prozac and Bupropion. Being depressed really stinks!

Marion,

Good that you recognize what is happening to you.

Medline Plus (NIMD) says it could take up to 4 weeks or more to get to optimal levels so just hold on.

ANN

Oh boy, do I understand Marion!!! Right here with you..:hug:

I'm so sorry you are in that dark place! I hope that you start seeing improvements soon. And, we are always here for you while you wait for the Buproprion to kick in. Oh wait, we'll always be here for you regardless but we'll also be here to help you while you're in the dark place. :hug::hug::hug:

Sorry that you are going through a rough patch. Can you get out a bit or maybe have a friend come in for some company. Sometimes a bit of a change in the routine will at least temporarily give some improvement.

In my thoughts and prayers :hug:.

With love, Erika

Thanks so much for the feedback. It means more than you know.

Erika, you are so right. Friendships are very important in a person’s life. They tend to stabilize your frame of mind, and draw your attention away from what is bothering you. I think that online friends are wonderful, even better than real-life friends in some ways. But there is no substitute for a friend with whom you can just hang out. I'm not sure if I remember how to do that.

Unfortunately I don’t really have any of that kind of friend anymore. I don’t have much family, so that doesn’t help. Over the years I have become reclusive. Other than my husband, I really never see or talk to anyone other than doctors or their staff. I gave up answering the phone years ago because it is never for me, and it is better for my husband’s calls for them to leave a message. So when I get down in the dumps, and disappear down my own private little rabbit hole, there’s nothing there to help me dig myself out.

I guess that has to stop.

It isn’t that I don’t like people. It is just that they require so much energy. Plus I’m not really used to being with people any more. I’ve done a good job of learning how to keep busy, and for the most part I am able to keep myself happy.

Well, at least today I’ve done one thing that is a step in the right direction. I signed up for an art class that starts next month.

Sigh. Poor me. It’ll sure be nice when I feel better!

I'm glad you signed up for an art class. I was going to suggest either some sort of class or group to join that is of interest to you. It will get you out a little more and meeting new people and doing new things. That usually helps pull one out of the dark place.

I can relate to how people can drain your energy. I have friends that drain me so much. Heck, just phone conversations with them exhaust me. But, it helps me to focus on someone else and I like that. Life is not all about me, it's about us and how we can help each other get through life. So, have drama queen friends can help sometimes. :D And, trust me, I have one of those. I love her to death and she is so kind and intelligent, but man does she have a lot of self inflicted drama in her life. She's one that thrives on drama and sometimes it's exhausting and frustrating to me to hear it all.

Since being dx with MS, I have lost some friends. It happens and it's sad but I understand too. Having your friends can also enhance your relationship with your DH. You can share new ideas and such with him and your overall happiness will show and make for a happier home environment.

You will get there Marion! You are already coming out of the dark hole as you are figuring out ways to help yourself. That's awesome!!! Keep climbing the ladder out of the hole. You're doing great!:hug::hug:

Bing-o. :hug:

Thank you for sharing your story. While I totally commend your psychiatrist for attempting to see if you could tolerate a medication reduction I'm glad you realized the need to restart the Wellbutrin before you suffer any longer. Hang in there.

Originally Posted by marion06095
It isn’t that I don’t like people. It is just that they require so much energy. Plus I’m not really used to being with people any more.

Second that.

The energy that it takes to socialize is usually too much for me. I can barely make it through a work day of seeing people.

I have one friend who is also an associate practitioner at the office. We get together around once a week to defrag. She knows my situation, is understanding and knows when to leave me be.
Family is too far away to drop in but I call my father once a week on the phone.
Two years ago, I wasn't invited to the family reunion and this year they invited me but then changed the date without telling me, so I missed it. I think it is because they do all sorts of sporting activities and I just can't any more, so they probably figure it is best that I not be there making others uncomfortable. I have to agree on that.

Same with the friends that I used to "play with". This body just can't do the stuff that they do, so after several "Thanks for the invite, but I'd better not...", the invitations stopped and the friendships dwindled away.

Instead I've found ways to keep myself entertained and out of the dumps. Things like writing, doing proessional consultations and when the body is up for it, gardening in the summer and plowing snow for others in the winter (my truck is all rigged out for it).

I also treat the body like the child that I never had, so I and it never forget that I am not my body or its ailments. That certainly keeps some humor sources always at the ready because it is a needy thing and I'm not overly accommodating. That combination means that some times I talk to my body out loud as a separate entity when I'm alone; usually attempting to strike bargains with it. I've even threatened to get another one if it doesn't get with the program :D.

Hopefully I won't loose perspective at some point and start talking out loud to it in public :eek:. So far so good on that front as I'm pretty careful about appearing as "normal" as is possible when out and about; which is a challenge unto itself at times.

With love, Erika

Yes, many of us do have to withdraw from activities and meeting people, so we end up pretty much alone. I make myself go to a social event once a week, as I know I need acquaintances for various reasons, some of them spiritual and some practical, like having someone to drive me if I have to take demerol before a dental appt. I do have a friend there who is a good friend...having just one is something! It is a heavy thing we deal with.

i know what you're talking about.
i was well into my adult life before i found a great psychologist who helped me very much with cognitive therapy.

i'm on such an even keel and have been at peace for a long time.
try to journal your thoughts, it may help you get an insight as you have already.

you're so right, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately, depression is one of the sxs of MS...I've had a life-long battle with depression and like you am in a hole right now.
I've tried a myriad of ADs, and none works for me...in fact some have taken me to very dark places:(

Talk therapy takes me in circles...I know how to cognitively get out of the dumps, but sometimes the dumps are pretty deep.

glad you're being proactive...take care:grouphug:

I thought I'd just tag this reply to the back end of my original complaint.

I am feeling better. Not 100% yet, but what a relief!

It feels sort of like when the sun finally comes out on a cold and cloudy day.

:yahoo::yahoo::yahoo::yahoo::yahoo:

i'm glad you're feeling better.
hoping this cont's for you.

I'm so glad you are doing better and are seeing the sun shine as you make your way out of the black hole. I'm sure it is such a relief and a fantastic feeling for you. :hug::hug::hug:

Glad you are starting to see the sun, again. And thanks for encouraging, supportive words for those that choose to use AD's in their struggles.

I am down to an anti-anxiety, as anxiety seems to be my predominant disorder over depression. And MS with Anxiety, MS with Depression, MS with anxiety AND depression, isn't all that uncommon. :hug:

Hi Marion
 

Glad you got back on the medication. I take some too, and after several months of adjustments my out look is better too. I hate depression, not matter how you come to get it, it is awful. It does distort our views. Thank you for your post. It give a lot of hope to others here who may be in the same battle. ginnie:grouphug:

Marion
 

Thanks for posting that:) It always helps to hear others situations. Not that I am glad others are going through the same...Cuz I would wish that on NOBODY!! I am just glad to know I am not alone in my feelings and my mind. Being severely injured and never being able to work again in my 30's was bad. But I would have to say Psychological effects are without question the WORST!!! I am actually going to take your Supp. drug name to my Doc next week. I think I have tried Every Anti depressant....I am just not well or tolerant of any of them, and usually end up in an even darker place. .

Thank God for this site. I cannot tell you, (though I am sure you know well)...just how much I sit and consider what my (our) futures really look with all the Physical pain and mental issues because of them.
Dealing with these conditions, all you do is cut yourself off from everyone:( Aside from the pain, I simply have no patience for people and the nonsense, that used to be normal in our lives ad didn't bother us.
I don't know about everyone here, but with RSD, which can tend to be an invisible illness often. I lose my mind, even though people mean well...But whenever I do get around people. All they do is ask "how I am feeling", and tell me how good I look and that I look like nothing is wrong. In my head, I get offended by those comments, as there is a constant battle going on within my body and it makes me feel like...I guess I don't look sick enough for You...LOL...
Best Of Luck with the new med...Hope it gets you Balanced again...Blessings:)