Ugh
 

Hey all, I am still kicking. The last week has been very eventful. In short: on Friday a friend at work (I work in a hospital) told me he wanted to commit suicide and told me not to tell anyone. I was very overwhelmed as I am the one who is usually in panic. After an hour I found a Social Worker, told her I cannot give a name but if she has a card I will give it to him. She did, but I got the opinion she wasn't all there, believing me, or overall friendly or even on the smarts... I felt I was wasting time. I gave him the card, he backed down saying it was all in jest... "ha ha ha"... I told him since I have tried probably 3 times that I wasn't the one to jest with. I also told him how much it hurts if you fail. So, I do help others.

Today my best friend of 30 years told me (after 3 weeks of not answering my emails) he has too many problems and I am toxic. He got hit by the IRS for 150,000$, has 2 kids in private HS and lives in a private expensive community. He thinks it is best we aren't friends.

So, I am all alone now, and you know, all I want is a hug.

I have Chloe my service dog, but since on the outside I seem so together, no one believes me, or they just have their problems.

Everyone in my life (except my father) has given up on me. Most just say "Sorry, bud"

I'm just venting and cannot express everything here, but I feel like my life the Truman Show. I feel people are demons at times. Do I see demons (NO), but how can I explain everything. I can walk on a sidewalk and from 50 feet I can watch someone walking into me like a magnet (I am 6 feet tall, 265 pounds), I wave my hands so they see me, they look at me like I am insane. Those who don't see me, walk into me, bounce off me, fall to the ground or take an elbow, and get mad at me. Usually I have tried to avoid them and I am up against a wall.

And yes, I have been to many medical professionals, everyone also gave up on me or they just say 'sorry'. Hurricane Sandy took 3 doctored from me.

If anyone knows anyone, by name, who in NYC can help me, please tell me, I have health insurance (AETNA) and I am a disabled military veteran with an untreated TBI.

I need help: is there anyone who has an idea? I need the idea to be very clear.

Love you all.

Hugz
 

I'm glad you're hanging tough my friend. Can't help you with a NY dr...doesn't the military have programs of vets with TBI. I have a family member with PTST from Marine time in Afghanistan and they are providing mental health care for him. Not sure how effective it is so far but they are trying. Thank you for your service and please continue to hang in there.

And yes, always a hug available from here. :hug: :hug:

Thanks. The military (the VA) does have doctors, but I have been through a ton of them. They like the easy, go get the medication and do what they are told patients, but I am a little difficult because I question everything, and I am paranoid. I'm not the easiest patient, and though I give people the benefit of doubt, the moment I lose trust, well, it isn't pretty. Problem is, I tell everyone upfront, and most are up to the challenge for a time, then well, either they give up on me, or run out of ideas.

But that is what I go for treatment for... so basically I get 'punished' but having the problem I am doing for help for. I tell them I am a rabbit, I hop like a rabbit, I eat carrots and have a little ball tail, but the moment I act like the rabbit, they are like: Stop being a rabbit. Well, I'm a rabbit, I can't. (and for those of you reading this thinking I think I am really a rabbit, it was just an example).

There has to be some doctor who can deal with people with the problems I have? I am going on 9 months now without treatment and I am getting med refills from my Primary Care doctor.

I guess that is why I was asking for a name of a real person (it can be Private messaged to me) in the NYC area. I'm a challenge, and sadly, I know it.

But I also am a really nice person who helps others, I just cannot get help for me.

More later, back to work for me...

July63,

I too am retired military, and a Brain Injury survivor. That alone puts us at great risk for depression and suicidal thoughts. Please contact your Brain Injury assn in your state. There are people that can help. Also, talk to people here. They can give you wonderful support and first hand knowledge of what family members deal with when a loved one chooses to end their life.

You can find a phone number for your local Brain Injury Assn in your phone book. Every state has one. They helped me.

Wishing you the best, and sending gentle hugs and prayers, Dodi

I emailed to the NY BI associate today. I just got a autoreply and the person i emailed will be away for the next couple weeks :(

last weekend I lost my watch, it was the one thing I bought that i didn't put on credit, and I wore it relegiously to the point I have lines on my wrist from the band.

Today some guy walked by me and I could swear he said Hello and said my name, I have no clue who he is, it was odd.

Sorry I haven't logged in a week (I forget to).

July63
 

Just sending you giant hugs.

Hi,

Hope you are doing better today. Funny thing, I forgot I had responded to this post. Re-read everything, and thought......"I should respond", then saw where I had! (Do you have days or moments like that?)

Anyway, I hope you will be able to get help from the Brain Injury Assn. Seems they would have a staff person that could take your info and link you with someone who could help you.

In the Meantime, I will suggest you write everything down so you have a list of questions when you do get to talk with someone from BIA. Also, have you thought of writing a daily log of activities, and maybe keeping a journal? After my brain injury, and surgery, I used a spiral notebook to write information in. It really did help, and served as a hard copy when my brain was in "Freeze" mode and could not pull up the info I had stored!

Do you think a support group would be something you would be interested in? I know here in KY they have different groups that meet weekly and I found that helpful during my recovery. (I did not feel so alone)

Please keep posting. I will try to make a "Mental Note" to myself to check in and see how you are doing.

Best Wishes, Dodi

Hi July63.

It seems to me that you're reaching out for the help to change yourself... we all know, no matter what challenges we face in our lives... that there's something we have to do, to feel good about ourselves and the paths we've chosen (or been forced to walk on!). Trouble is, "what we have to do" isn't always obvious.

Might I suggest that you search out all your posts on this site - it's like a journal, of sorts... see how you've grown ... see how you've fallen down ... see how life is forever putting obstacles in your way. And most of all - see if there are any "ah-ha!" moments - so that you can wisely chose and get through each day.

Participating in online support is a HUGE step in the right direction. You DO have support here... always remember that.

:hug:

Some of you know I have a TBI so my memory isn't the best. But I remembered writing this, just did not remember when.

Well, now the bad news.

His name was Joseph Nerenburg and I was told this morning that he hung himself. They found his body last night (he had not reported to work since last Friday).

I guess I don't help others. I failed. This is why I avoid everyone and don't trust anyone.

And I know if he was determined that I couldn't stop him, but I wasn't the only person who saw this in him. People suck. I'm not skilled in handling this in any way, I can barely feed my dog/cat.

Ugh

I am sorry july 63.
When someone is bent on killing themselves sometimes there really isn't a way to stop them.
Please don't take this personally, nor be too hard on yourself.
bizi

Oh July
 

You do help others. You reach out. You give. You care.

Each has their own destiny to chart within the range of all possibilities and the suicide is fully responsible for their own actions. I learned this well for myself in counseling, and tried to pass it on to my mother.....a woman who uses the threat, tacit so far as I know, in an effort to wrench control of lives in her direction....pity and the like from her targets. Finally, I let her know she is responsible. She is in control of her life. Her efforts to wield control over others through her machinations is wrong, most especially when she would engage in her bad conduct with our own children/her grandchildren. She did not like hearing this from me.....and disowned me. So, she has no further control here. Finito. Das Ende. Finis.

Those who are caught up enough in their own stuff not to be able to control the impulse may succeed in the final exit. It is their act. Not yours. Not, definitely not something for which you are responsible.

Please try to take solace in having made the effort to help. You are a gem of a caring person. :hug:z

Juy 63
 

You are not in any way responsible for Joseph's death. He had reached the point where he could no longer bear the problems that he had accumulated on this earth. Who are we to judge what is in someone's heart at any given time? You were a friend and sometimes that is the best we can do. Please don't be hard on yourself. Life goes on.

Hello July
 

I wish I could hug you. I think all of us who experience pain and medical conditions could use a lot more hugs. My best friend of 14 years decided she didn't want to be friends either. Didn't want someone disabled. It hurts.

There are people here that will care. I am here to listen too. ginnie:grouphug:

so very important
in everything that is said
only one moment at a time
and know we are all understanding
being able to relate
i is in my immediate family
my father
i take all cries to heart
don't take their word for it

someone who cares

Mark,
 

I may have missed a few posts since I have been off and on NT lately. I remember your father had/has alzeheimers, then not too long ago was diagnosed with cancer. Any info would be appreciated. I know that has been very difficult on all of you. Not sure if any of this is reflected in your mother's behavior.


Gerry

Hi July,

Please please please keep trying to find help for yourself, don't give up. Good psychologists exist, they are just hard to find and few & far between. Here is a list that may be helpful, pick one that you like:
http://therapists.psychologytoday.co...te=NY&spec=206
or you can look here based on your zip code
http://locator.apa.org/
These will be licensed and you can select by specialization.

Same goes for people --- I cant tell you how much I relate to your post about your friend saying you are toxic. I lost a lot of friends last year during my depressive episode. They just up and ditched me, no reason at all. Atleast you got clarification, I suppose. Friends don't ditch you when you need them. That's what I've learned and hopefully you can use that too. There's a lot of users out there and people who aren't nice. And people who kill themselves cant handle it anymore. There are always more ways to keep trying and not give up, but it isn't your job to help everyone or anyone but yourself. :hug::grouphug: