Feelings of worthlessness
 

The rational side of me feels ridiculous for posting this but I'm on overload & need to vent. I well know we all have more serious issues on here.

In 10 months time I've lost so much of my former "normal" life. Work is replaced with Dr.s, proceedures, meds., pain and P.T. and everything else takes twice as long to do. I do still try and maintain as normal a life for my husband and family as I can and burden them as little as possible. I haven't let my appearance go.

I do take an antidepressant with with all my other meds.

My husband's weekend comes and I'm made to feel as if I must put my RSD/CRPS away and it's all about him. I try to tell him to go and just play golf or whatever, but no. So, I put on a happy face and try to keep up with whatever he wants. Then, we go see the movie "Last Vegas".

I don't know what's wrong with me I know it's just a movie but it was the last straw emotionally right now. I'm not mad at him I just feel so worthless!
The movie is supposed to be funny and light but my husband made laughing "eww" noises at the old ladies in bathing suits. (I know that's what the movie was going for) and "mmm,mm" noises at the teenage DD bikini models (again, what they were going for). The only middle age women who was regarded as o.k. was a gorgeous lawyer and singer, single and available.

I know I'm making too much of this but I can't help it! It takes so much effort to maintain what I still am! (Yes, we still have a sex life) sorry TMI!

I already feel diminished but to think he wants "mm,mm" when I feel "EWW". I just feel worthless and suididal now. I should just make him free of this burden.

Hang on my friend!
 

Yes ma’am, I can completely relate, even on the timeline of the last year and my rapid decline. However you are WAY ahead of me on the appearance thing though. I don’t expend energy on that unless it’s either absolutely necessary or I just feel like it. So go you! I mean I keep up with personal hygiene, but make up and anything other than comfy PJ’s is optional for me.

You’re NOT worthless Az-Di! We are all grieving for who we used to be. Some days more than others.

After reading your post it makes me wonder how old your husband is. The reason I wonder this is because it sounds like he might be lacking the maturity to understand what you are dealing with. I don’t want to sound insensitive about this man that you love. I suppose I am being protective of you knowing EXACTLY what it feels like to put on a happy face to be in the world and appear “normal”.

Hollywood has a twisted view of what beauty is. Some of those types of movies are just plain stupid. For whatever reason, men mostly (sorry guys) enjoy those types of flicks. I wish I knew why, but honestly I really don’t get it.

A healthy sex life is good for many reasons. In jest I would tell my husband we need to have sex because the endorphins as a painkiller are much more powerful than morphine! Bonus, there are extra upswings and no headaches! I get headaches from opiates.

Whoa! Wait a minute! Please don’t think the only way out of these feelings would be to just end your life. I have to admit that I too have had moments of feeling like what’s the point? Here’s what I know about that, it will pass. You will feel differently tomorrow. I really think that a sit down talk with your husband is in order. I think if you (if you haven’t already) get real with him about how you feel, emotionally AND physically, perhaps it will bring some clarity for him. Explain how this movie made you feel. Explain what a toll this disease is taking on you and how that makes you feel.

Oh Az-Di, I wish I could hug you and tell you that it’s all going to be okay. One way or another. I’m not sure why any of us must suffer. But I am sure that life is a terminal condition. One way or another all of our bodies are deteriorating from the time we arrive. Living is not a race; it is a journey my friend. I heard something today that resonated with me. To be broken is no reason to see everything as broken. That meant a lot to me as I am ALWAYS referring to myself as broken, and it is easy to start to think that everything is broken, when in fact it is not.

Hang in there girl! You can do this thing called life. Don’t give up!! We are here for you!

Hi AZ-Di, I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I felt that way last night when my husband and I were stressing about finances. It seemed to happen at a time when I was having a really bad rsd flare. I was having alot of pain and I wasn't due for my pain meds for two more hours. I usually take them every six hours and can deal with the pain, but sometimes like yesterday it wasn't enough. The stress from the pain and finances and my great aunt being sick made me want to curl up in a ball and just disappear. I had those thoughts I sometimes have of imagining my life ending because of the misery I was in and how I felt that I was just letting my family down. But then the pain finally subsided and those thoughts passed. Just like Vrae said. It was also what Tessa told me yesterday and Kevscar sent me a link for helping to cope at these hard times too. I texted here for help and support and as always, I got it. Tessa and Kevscar helped me get through as well as all the rest of you when I've needed it. I forget that it will pass when I'm going through the hard times, but it does. I have gained alot of weight since I've been sick, but am trying to lose weight again. As for men flirting or making comments to pretty girls, I think their almost all like that. I don't like it either, but it's what they do. It bugs me too when my husband does that, but I know he loves me so I don't take it personally. I don't think you should take it personally either. Like I said, I think it's just guy thing.
I know how hard it is to want to live when your life has been turned upside down from rsd, and I have moments when I feel the same way. But when those moments pass, I feel like I want to live and keep trying. I hope you keep trying too and try to hang in there. This too shall pass, it's true and we need you on this forum to help keep us going too.
Try to ride it out. It will be okay, not like it used to be, but okay in a new way. We're here for you like you've always been for us. You're not alone, so keep on trying to live to the fullest. I hope you feel better soon. Take care my friend. From your friend, Renee.
PS - You are not worthless! We need you and so does your family so hang in there!

Oh AZ-Di,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Pretty sure we have all felt like this at some point or many during our fight with this.

Men... I tell you they can be so mean without even knowing it. Oblivious to how undesirable we feel at times.. the body language, noises comments etc., only add to that. It isn't intentional.. they don't see us the way we see ourselves so they go on living, commenting and wanting the same things they did before CRPS (or other conditions) took root in our lives. It took me a long time to realize that though I want my husband to be sensitive I also don't want him to treat me any differently than he did before CRPS. In fact just this morning my husband was apologizing for hurting me during the night while he was trying to pull me in closer to him out of love and need. I replied.. I will suffer with the pain just don't ever stop pulling me in.. that would be more horrible in my opinion than the pain I will suffer, I need to know that he still needs and desires me and by doing what he does.. I know it!

My nerve injuries are located in my pubis and groin (the CRPS symptoms are in both legs and arms) so sex obviously has been a huge issue since even the slightest touch to my pubis area creates severe searing pain down my right leg. Early on.. I was so depressed my thoughts were similar to yours. I wanted to rid my husband of his burden physically, intimately and financially.. all I could see was the negative. But then one day we sat and talked about how I was feeling inside, how worthless I felt that instead of desire for him I was in fear of the pain, how my inability to work and think like I used to made me feel like a loser, how I was ashamed that I could no longer do things we have enjoyed for more than 15 years together.. ultimately I was plagued by fear of what this new life would be like and how I would find my purpose or worth in this new life and body wracked with pain. It was through that talk when I realized more than ever that there were so many things I bring to our relationship everyday even if I am broken. He shared with me his fears of touching me, we talked about intimacy in great detail and how even before all of this he looked forward to growing old with me (wrinkles, sags and all) .. I learned it didn't matter to him if our house was spotless and that he would rather me save my energy for our time together no matter how we spent that time. He is a big part of my therapy everyday.. I make sure he is a part of it whether that is sharing milestones of my therapy sessions (which also holds me accountable), doing desensitization or helping me do a chore I normally did on my own. Including him has made him feel important and helped him deal with the guilt he feels when he can't help me fight my pain. I learned he also needed a sense of "worth" in our new life. Intimacy is still a challenge pain wise but, we are learning ways to enjoy it even though it is painful.

Keeping up on appearance is way over-rated ;) I've not been one to worry about makeup or high fashions but I do at least try to look good and keep my weight in check so as not to add more battles to my pile.. and if there is a good day I might go the extra mile for my husband and put on something other than yoga type pants :) It helps me too.. I feel better on the inside even if only for an evening. If something makes you feel good.. do it but, please don't put so much of yourself on outward appearance you are who you are because of what is inside!!

As a couple we have given up a lot of our previous life but, we have also found a few new joys/passions after CRPS. I can't do anything for very long but, the effort goes along ways with my husband, friends and family. The see me as determined instead of looking at me with pity.. that isn't what I want. We (I) try not to think "I will never do this or this again" but instead think maybe not today but hopefully tomorrow. I will never give up that is my promise to myself.

I reach out to others.. I find ways to put a smile on someone's face because I know now more than ever that a simple act of kindness can really touch someone life. We never know what someone (even strangers) are going through so I make it a point to engage in life more fully. lol.. I go to pool therapy where I have made several friends with the senior ladies, they have blessed my life in so many ways I can't even begin to tell you. Something I never would have done if it weren't for my new journey. Shoot.. I may not bring home a paycheck, cook the greatest meals or clean the house like I used to but I can surely put a smile on someone else's face even in my worst of pain.. that is PURPOSE!!

We never do know how our lives impact the lives of others.. in our pain it is hard to see but, I promise you that you are making a positive impact on many people around you without even knowing it.

I encourage you to talk with your husband.. I'm sure he loves you more today than yesterday regardless of your ailments!!

My heart goes out to you.. it hurts to be in this place and I hope you are able to climb out soon!

:grouphug:

PS., repeat after me
 

"I love myself"
"I love myself"

A great site to help with these feelings
 

Here is a site someone shared with me when I was struggling with similar feelings, I hope it helps you as well!

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/anxi...llness-1219124

What a FABULOUS post my dear! On so many levels. Thank you for sharing.

Very nice post Tessa. It helped me alot too. I didn't know that you used to have some of the negative feelings that I have felt. The difference is that you turned them into a positive, where I am still stuck in negative mode. I've always been more of a pessimist, where my husband is more of the optomist. He's alot like you. He's always telling me to be more positive and make the most out of each day. I know I need to try harder or I will wither away in self pity. I used to be a person who believed life was precious until things got tough, like with my RSD, then I changed my point of view. I didn't want to think it was worth living if it meant I would have to live with this horrific debilitating pain everyday of my life. I know I flip flop alot with this issue, and have started to notice I do that when my pain level changes. When my pain level is lower I'm more positive and see life as a precious thing. When my pain level is really high, I start thinking that it would be better to end the pain then live with it because it's so unbearable. But then when the pain lessens again, I feel that I want to enjoy life to the best of my ability and live as long as I can with my loved ones and friends. RSD and other chronic pain causes quite the roller coaster ride not only with our bodies physically but also with our minds mentally. It's just one more spectrum to this disease I am starting to realize. I know I want to live and I want us all to fight to live to the best of our abilities. I know we are not worthless and we can contribute good things to this world no matter how big or small. We are contributing to each other by supporting each other through this chronic disease journey. I'm not as in as much pain today so my outlook on life is more positive. Next time I have a bad pain day I may change my mind again and say otherwise. But I'm going to write down things you've all said like "This too shall pass" and "Don't borrow trouble" and "That you've gotten through this before", to remind me that I can endure this and get through it again if I just don't give up. Maybe this will help me not be so negative the next time I have a bad pain day. I want to try to live life to the fullest and to try to help others be happy and do the same. I was confused at how I've been flip flopping about pro choice and pro life. I think I know now why. It's because of this rsd roller coaster ride. I think talking to all of you opened my eyes to that. I've felt for most of my life that life was precious and we should always value it. It seems that during the tough times like right now with this rsd, that I start to flip flop. I was told once that it's easy to have faith when things are easy, it's when things are tough and your faith is truly tested, that you find out how strong your it really is. So I'm going to try to keep the faith in good times and tough times that life if worth living and cherishing. And I'm going to try to help all of you to feel the same way. We are NOT worthless. We are survivors. We are here to help others to survive. We are here to share our wisdom and courage and strength and friendship. But most importantly we are here for each other to share our love. We can do that whether we are in pain or not. Love never dies. Not even chronic conditions can kill our spirit. It may take away our ability to function the way we used to, but it can never take away our ability to love and to care for others and to carry on. I hope a cure will be found someday, but in the meantime, I hope we can all remember how important we are to the people we love in this world. And how we should love ourselves too like Tessa said. RSD or any other chronic condition cannot take that away from us if we don't let it. It's taken enough, but it can't take our will to live, love and laugh. I hope you all have a peaceful night with happy thoughts of what tomorrow may bring. From your fellow rsd friend, Renee.

You got it Renee!! And always remember we all go through the roller coaster!! I cry, I get mad, I get depressed but.... what points me in the right direction again is thinking how awful it would be if I ended my life or gave up and let depression destroy me and then... my daughter was diagnosed with this or something else just as tragic??? I need to live as an example to her and to others who may face this or something else after me. Besides.. maybe one day one of us will be part of the cure! One never knows.. but ya gotta stick around to find out :)

You are a wonderful person Renee!

Thanks Tessa, you are wonderful too. And I think all of us on this forum are great and have so much to offer each other. I've learned so much from all of you. So we can't be worthless, because we are helping each other. And might I just add too that The New York Giants are awesome too! They won another game against the Raiders tonight. I needed that! Yahoo!

Thank you everyone!
 

I almost want to remove this post because I'm embarrassed for thinking this way. I didn't want any one to think I was actually threatening suicide or looking for attention. RSD/CRPS has taken so much from me (us) and sometimes coping with the physical pain leaves no energy to cope with the emotional pain.

Thank you for reminding me that these feelings will pass, it does help!

I'm happy for the way for the way it has united us even if it is sharing some very dark feelings. You all are so great for being a great friend on here. I never would have imagined how strong and meaningful an online support group could be.
I guess I just need to slap myself and find some self esteem outside my work and my husband.
I do want to be there for all of you and thank you again for all the support. :hug:

AzDi, sorry I didn't post sooner but my fingers have been bad :rolleyes: and there were so many new threads!

I didn't think for a moment you were about to go out and throw yourself under a bus, I completely recognise what you're talking about, and tbh another reason I didn't post this weekend is that I've been having a slight (cough) difference of opinion ;) with my husband... The difference being that I just got fed up with the one-way emotional traffic. He's in great shape, fit (oh yes) and healthy and I love him to bits. I show that by complimenting him on his fitness (mmm lol) and making him feel good about himself.

I know I've probably got more conscious of this now because I feel so crappy myself. I know I've out on a bit of weight (I'm working hard to get in back down, but for some reason it's difficult :rolleyes:), but I just feel so danged GUILTY all the time - that he is stuck with me as I am now, and not the me he married. Surely that was a deal, right? And my body broke that deal. I know it's not my fault etc etc, put that doesn't help it when the insecurities and doubts and unfairness of things just climb out of that carefully sealed box in your head and crawl all over everything...

And this weekend was one of those times when I realised that it's all so unfair. His emotional support seems to be fairly limited to practical things - shopping, driving around, working, physical jobs at home etc. He does a sport and I encourage him in it because of the guilt - but at times I am so jealous because it was always ME that was the sporty one and him the couch potato. Now it's kind of flipped. He never compliments me or tries to make me feel good about myself. The only times it happens are when we've had a row and he's desperately trying to make up ground. He's a really good guy and my soul-mate in so many ways (awww) but he's always had a blind spot about that kind of thing, and whereas it didn't matter so much before, now of course it does - because I'm so much more scared and guilty and insecure and doubting myself every time I sneak past a mirror.

AzDi my little fruit bun of loveliness in so many ways :winky: I bet we all pretty much feel like this. It's the main reason I have such regard and admiration for everyone on this forum - the fact that most of our lives are spent clamping down on that stuff and getting on with life DESPITE feeling so damn worthless at times, not to mention the hundred other worries and trials that come with this disease.

You are strong and determined and so helpful to other folk. You'll be ok because of who you are, the real you, not the you that we all have to polish up before meeting the world :winky: That real you is why we all share such genuine affection on here.

Now have yourself a few little treats and snatch some time for you, and think about what we've all said here. Then smile to yourself and do one of those Hollywood self-hug things, and believe that actually your husband is the lucky one. We all know it could have been the other way around, and we could be caring for our partner suffering from this. But think how awful it COULD be for him, and how hard you are working to still hang on to as much normality as possible. You aren't lying on an expensive chaise-longe (upholstered in a rare and costly CRPS-kindly fabric) wearing hand-woven silk pyjamas, demanding peeled grapes and pâté on an hourly basis, snapping your fingers for the servants, or ringing a little gold bell to have your meds prepared for you by a private nurse. You are trying to be 'normal' and bless us all, some days that's the hardest thing of all.

Gentle hugs to all, I raise a glass of chilled Bollinger to every one of you (well its a cup of tea, but you know what I mean :winky:)

Here's one just for you AzDi. Genuinely warm and affectionate :hug:

Bram :grouphug:

Good Morning AZ-Di,

I'm glad you didn't remove this post.. you were brave to share it and I'm pretty sure anyone who read it could closely relate. I even read it to my husband who then turned around and asked me if he made me feel that way.. it was a great conversation, thank you.

lol.. self esteem seems to be a game of hide and seek after chronic illness changes our lives. Has anyone ever mentioned seeing a pain psychologist or Cognitive Behavior Therapy as part of your treatment plan? These were recommended to me and considered a priority above all else by my PM. At first I was hesitant because for the most part I was mentally handling things okay (despite a few really low days) but then after finding out a little more what the goals of CBT were, I thought why not.. it can't hurt. I am truly thankful that this was advised and honestly believe it should be a priority for anyone struggling with a chronic condition - especially CRPS.

This group is amazing!!

Thank you AZ-Di for your willingness to share the not so obvious aspects of how this disease affects our lives. I do hope today gives you a renewed sense of self worth!

Hi AZ-Di, Even though this is called the suicide disease and we all talk about how we want the pain to go away, I don't think any of us want to end our lives. We are just talking about how we want to end the pain we're in. Like I said earlier, when I'm in excruciating pain, I just want it to go away. But when it passes, I feel like I want to enjoy my life as much as I can and not waste my days thinking negative thoughts. It's hard to be positive when we are in pain, but I think sharing our thoughts while we are in pain, helps us to focus on how to deal with it and work through it until it passes. I think we all make a great team and am grateful to have all of you help me through the painful times. I hope I help too, but I know I do flip flop alot. I feel like the quote Kevscar has on his threads, "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." I am alot like that now, but am coming to realize it's the pain making me that way. And when the pain subsides, I see things much clearer and in a more positive way. I hope you all have a pain free as possible day today. You don't have to feel embarrassed for what you said. It's the pain and stress talking. And we all understand that, because we've all been there. Just try to remember that you are not alone and that you are very important in our lives. From your friend, Renee.

[QUOTE=Brambledog;1028278]AzDi, sorry I didn't post sooner but my fingers have been bad :rolleyes: and there were so many new threads!

I I know it's not my fault etc etc, put that doesn't help it when the insecurities and doubts and unfairness of things just climb out of that carefully sealed box in your head and crawl all over everything...

And this weekend was one of those times when I realised that it's all so unfair. His emotional support seems to be fairly limited to practical things - shopping, driving around, working, physical jobs at home etc.

AzDi my little fruit bun of loveliness in so many ways :winky: I bet we all pretty much feel like this. It's the main reason I have such regard and admiration for everyone on this forum - the fact that most of our lives are spent clamping down on that stuff and getting on with life DESPITE feeling so damn worthless at times, not to mention the hundred other worries and trials that come with this disease.


Bram,
I just LOVE your fruit buns of lovliness ;) J.K. Rowling has nothing on you!

I sure understand about opening that "carefully sealed box in your head" I sure hope I didn't help crack it open. I should've been more careful to open up mine for everyone.
It's good to know it must be a guy thing. Mine is like that too. He is right there if I ask for help with physical things but shed a tear and he's out.

I guess we should be thankful we do at least have someone huh?

AZ-Di, As much as our husbands love us, I do think they have trouble dealing with things like seeing their loved ones in constant pain. Men like to fix things, and if they can't, it really frustrates them. They are good with driving us to dr appts., and grocery shopping, etc. but when it comes to the emotional support part, they don't seem to be able to deal with it, because the can't fix it. It doesn't mean they don't care, it just means that they try to avoid the topic, because they can't find a solution for it. Women are more of the emotional providers in my opinion. I hope you can find some joy in yourself. You don't need to look to others to validate that you are special. You can find that special person inside you by yourself. I posted this poem in the poetry corner but am posting it here too. After a lifetime of losses, I can relate to this poem and it gives me strength to carry on and helps me to see that finding self worth is something I need to do on my own. I hope it helps you too. Take care my friend.

"Comes The Dawn"

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall