Don't judge me
 

Malingerer, drug seeker, addict, so many names, so much pain. I feel them in the depths of my soul. The pain of my body matches that of my soul at being called these names. I hurt. I feel, seek help yet help only hurts. I'm called an attention seeker, drug addict yet all I want is to understand why I hurt. My soul hurts from not being believed. My body hurts from the inside out. I sit in my home that has now become a prison watching my children grow. I hear about their accomplishments, and how much fun they had. I wish and cry in private at what I can't see in person. I don't go to their games or to meet and greets in fear of someone touching me and causing more pain. I don't go and swim with yhem because the cold water hurts. So I sit and watch them grow, I watch them leave and not come back. I wonder why then realize they never knew. They never knew why I didn't go to their school, they never knew why I didn't go to their games. Because I didn't educate them. So I sit, I worry, then I'm gone. My pain finally winning. I placed a rope around my neck and fell. I don't have pain now. I don't have anything. The words of others can no longer hurt me. They can no longer play over and over in my head to beat me down.

This is the way this disorder beats us. This is why this disorder is called a suicide disease. We aren't people to most Dr's. We are a number. We are drug seekers, malingerers, fakers. They don't believe us. We need mental help not meds. Shakespeare said "What is in a name? By any other name a rose would smell as sweet." By any other name I'm still a human. I would love to not be in constant pain. Before people judge me or anyone else walk a mile in our shoes. There are times I expect if I look at my leg I will only see bone because it feels like someone poured acid on it then lit a thousand blowtorches all over my leg. I'm one of the lucky ones that it hasn't spread beyond my leg. I hope and pray they will find a cure for this disorder so no one has to go to the point of suicide again.

Allinara,

It sounds like you are hurting deeply right now on every level .. I am so sorry! Please try to ignore those that don't understand!! Please try not to beat yourself up for what you may miss out on while your children our outside the home and focus on the joys and bond you can create with them at home and within your limitations as these moments in time will be even more memorable to them than any school or social function could ever be.

Are you attending Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in addition to a Pain Management provider? This type of therapy can be really beneficial especially for the mental and emotional aspects of this disease. They will often incorporate family and friends into the therapy to help those who are in your 'circle' better understand the affects of this disease and help them learn/cope with you. Just a thought..

sending you a warm iHug,
Tessa:hug:

I'm so sorry Allanira....we've all been down to the pit of despair at times, and it really is a bleak and awful place to be. Remember that although you feel very alone right now, there are many of us here who know that place, and we do understand. You aren't alone.

Any doctor, nurse, colleague, friend, stranger, anybody who calls you something unfair, just ignore every spiteful word of it, because one day they will find out what it feels like to struggle, and they will hate it, all the more so because they were so scornful of people they knew so little about. Anyone who can say those things does not know you, what your life is, what you are going through. So their opinion has no merit whatsoever. It doesn't matter what they think of you, because they know nothing. Of course it hurts, but you know the truth. You know you are not those things.

Just hang on. It's all you can do. Remember that your children don't just vakue you for what you can do, they value who you are. They value the time that they spend with you, not how many things you did. They will remember the smiles and talks and hugs and laughter, no matter where you were at the time.

Remember also that your children, who make you proud with their accomplishments, are there because of you. Not just because you gave them life, but because you have been the guiding force for them. You might not be able to do the things you want, but the fact that your children can do things is because of you. Second-hand enjoyment of life is not fair, but it's better than just being trapped there with no experience of the life outside at all. Your children and family bring you that life through their stories and experiences. It hurts, and of course you grieve for the person you were, and your lost dreams, but you have them coming back there, you aren't alone.

I'm sorry if that sounded preachy, I know I can do that sometimes :rolleyes:. I've just been out in public for the first time in goodness knows how many months. Just into our town to an exhibition thing. I only lasted half an hour, and I was so nervous at being out, getting knocked or my back giving out on me... I'm glad I went, but oh boy do I hurt now. Sigh. The price we pay for something so tiny to anyone else....it's bizarre really, how completely your life as you knew it can disappear. I am not the person I was. I am more cautious, nervous, scared. I second-guess everything, and every situation. I have to know in advance where everything is, how far is it, how long might it take me. I don't dawdle, if there's something I want to see I just want to get there and see it, so that I can turn and go back to safety. To the prison. But at leat I am on day-release sometimes now. I value every moment of my time outside, because not very long ago I was just in here for months. I know I'm lucky.

While I was out I saw a very old lady in a wheelchair being pushed along. She had lost a leg and was a small cramped figure in the chair. She had the look of someone who knows pain too well. I thought, well if she can do it, good luck to her. I caught her eye as she passed and smiled. I hope I get to be older only if I can still get out sometimes and see the world.

Just hang on. You are worth hanging on for :)

Bram :hug:

This is for everyone out there to know there are others that know what they are going through. Yes I have gotten very depressed when drs told me to my face I needed mental and drug related help. I know what's wrong now. Yes there are times I do and will break down knowing there are things I can't do with my children. But I also know there are many things I can do. I tell them several times a day I love them and nothing will ever change that. I may try to do things I know I shouldn't but I will push the limits and to hell with this disorder that tries to control me. To hell with who ever tries to stop me. I am going to fight to the very last breath in my body to make my babies happy. Sorry moderators I know there are kids on n here but I'm tired of living my life imprisoned in my home out of fear. We don't have to live like that. We need a full life just as much as anyone. We need it more than most. If we let this disorder rule us we shrivel up and that is how we end it. By suicide. If we don't let it control us yes we hurt but we are recognized as fighting. Fight for all of us by not letting this beat us. Don't prove everyone right about this being a suicide disorder. Prove that we are stronger than this. If it's only proving it by doing 1 thing different. Feed the dog or cat. Walk out on the porch. Don't become a skulker don't hide in the closet. Get out and prove this disorder doesn't own you. I went out and planted 4 trees today. Yes I sat on the ground and dug with a hand spade but I did it. I really thought those days were gone. That I could never have a garden except what someone else planted for me. I did it. I was able to get those trees in the ground and I was able to plant some herbs and seeds. I love digging planting and watching my work grow. Yes we may need help at times. Yes we have bad days and good days. I just want all of us to TRY and do something we used to love and have decided we can't do anymore because of this. I challenge everyone to do one thing you used to love doing. If it means folding 1 shirt do it. If it means getting a dog and walking it do it. The gauntlet is thrown lets see who picks it up and accepts this challenge.

Dear Allanira,

This may not be on point to your post but thought you might find it interesting under the circumstances. While I was never termed a "drug seeker" probably because I did not even want to take the drugs that they wanted to push on me, but have been thought of as nothing being wrong with me until I finally found someone that properly diagnosed my neurological problems. Now to what I think you might find interesting.

I went to the doctor today. A doc that I have known since he began his practice. We have known each other on a doctor/patient basis for about 35 years. He and I are only a very very few years apart in age. (I think 3 years). When I was describing my pain today, he said, "That sounds exactly like what I have been experiencing". He said all he seems to do lately is go to doctor appts. (Sound familiar to any one here???) We talked a bit about how HIS life is changing and how little HE can do these days by comparison. Oh, how refreshing to have a doctor old enough to be having and experiencing some of the same conditions we seek help from them for with little regard to our feelings. How ironic when the shoe is on THEIR foot.

Please do not mis-understand. This doc has ALWAYS been very good to me and has ALWAYS been attentive, caring, and helpful. I would not have stuck with him for all these years if he had not been, but many others (specialists) were not so kind and were dismissive. I just found it very refreshing to talk to a doctor that now not only had the knowledge but also the personal experience and has actually FELT the same pain.

I was afraid that I might have to seek another doctor soon since my doc was getting older (as I am) and that he would retire. He has greatly reduced the size of his practice but will continue his practice for at least another few years. Having an older doctor has just proven to me that the older ones can better relate to some of the aging pains as they are starting to have them too. He was telling me about the ortho that he was now seeing and his ortho knows of ortho pain because he has had almost every joint and bone replaced, repaired, etc.

I am going to ADD a new category to my list of personal desires in a physician. I will seek one that actually HAS my same ailment as they will KNOW how I feel, not just guess based on something he learned from a book. He will have FELT it.

I am so sorry about not only your physical pain but your emotional pain. I hope my little story of today at least made you smile for a moment. When my doc could PERSONALLY relate to my issue of today, it made me smile. NOT that I was happy he too was suffering, but that he had a REAL understanding.

Not all docs are callous but many are so please remember that YOU know the truth of how you feel. Don't let docs nor disease hold you down. Do what you can and the rest will take care of itself in time. It took years for my friends to finally believe I was really in pain. Some still don't and that is THEIR problem, not mine. We cope the best we can and that is all we can do. I am just happy to wake each day. Each day is a chance at a good one, even if it does not turn out that way, tomorrow may be the good one, and so on. You just never know when that good day is coming so I want to be here for it. Some are bad, some are not. I just want to see which it will be every day that I can.

My PM Dr is the same way. He has neuropathic pain. So he understands at least a little what we feel. I wouldn't give him up for the world. He understands why I won't get an SCS right now. With 1 boy about to be 3 yrs, and 1 that's 4 months I have to wait until they are old enough I don't have to pick them up and carry them. He said we can wait and there might be better technology by then. He isn't pushing but I'm know he would love to get one in me. Not because he gets a kickback for selling another one but because he is very sure it would help me. But not being able to lift and carry more than 10 lbs isn't a good thing. My 4 month old is over 13 lbs. So at least another 6 yrs before I could get one. I do hurt every dang day but I'm refusing to let this beat me down to where I contemplate, or even do commit suicide. No I'm not under any psychiatric treatment. My treatment besides my meds is going to the shooting range and destroying paper targets, or beating people at bingo, well and cutting out dead branches and undesirable plants around my home lol. I don't want to hurt anybody be it 2 or 4 legged, I don't have desires of hurting myself well except the scratches I get from a good days work. Also I found out if I was under the treatment of a psychologist I would have to give up my firearms. I hunt. It provides good fresh meat that isn't laden with chemicals for my family. Plus we live in the country. I use them to protect my family. From rattlesnakes, coyotes, and 2 legged predators. So giving up my firearms is a bad idea. I would rather protect and feed my family then be treated for mental health. I do talk to a pastor regularly and he helps keep me on the right track. Also my Nanny (grandmother) helps a ton. She will be 95 yrs this year. She tells me a verse in the bible and I read it. It helps keep me grounded, and teaches me more about myself. She remembers verses that she knows will help and explain my disorder in a biblical sense. If I don't understand something I ask her. She is also telling me natural ways of helping my body besides meds. Like mixing epsom salt and baking soda relieves inflammation, and calms your skin symptoms. Also peppermint oil rubbed into your joints helps relieve arthritis and joint stiffness. I'm trying to get my family away from a lot of the processed foods and going natural as much as possible. It's amazing the things that were used before we started using processed foods and meds. I hope this helps and gives people something to think about.

Allanira,

I have followed this thread with great interest. I can feel how genuinely you are putting your deepest feelings into words. It blows me away. I have CRPS, but not as badly as many do here. As we all do, I pray that it doesn't flare or spread. I can see you digging deeply to find things to prop you up.

Stay on it. Fight the good fight. Do what is right for you. Which is what we all must do. I hope for some relief for you in however you may find it.

God help us all.

I can so relate to you, and can feel the emotion deep in the soul. I have been to the dark places. Actually have known 2 good friends I met in Braintalk, and then here when that forum went down that took their life. It left an empty place in me. I wish there was something I could have done........but they were determined to get out of what they thought was living hell.

Only a couple of days ago I was cleaning out an old email account, and came across the emails we had shared back and forth about what he was going to do, and finally did. Left me sitting there with tears and wondering if he did the right thing or not, and where is he now.

Like you I have found a good doctor, and he seems to care about me more then most of my family. I to am one to try and not take any meds, but the RSD can get the best of me, and I am forced to take some just get the edge off so I can have some relief, and give me the ability to have some kind of life.

I too am going to fight this with every breath! I will do it for those that just couldnt handle it and left us early. I will do it for all those suffering in this forum, and I will do it for me........because RSD doesnt own me! You have spurred me on! Inspired me to go forward and do the things I can, and not worry about those things I cant.

I love all the replies, and the people that wrote them! You all are some of the most caring sensitive souls I have ever come across. Dont ever stop.......you never know who reads these posts. There are literally hundreds that come by and read these posts that havent signed in as a member, and many more that are members that only read. You may have helped so many people.

I applaud you for standing up to this thing we call RSD that is one of the silent killers. We have no idea how many never find this place, so they never get that little bit of support that would have changed their course. Thank you for being open and honest, and letting us share your pain. As you go through life......come back and share your joys and successes. I will truly cry with you when your down, and will jump for joy when you. Beat it down!

I'm tired of hearing nothing but bitterness from people that have this disorder. Yes we hurt. Yes it does go to our souls and the more bitterness we have the worse we feel. The more we start tearing at our emotional and mental supports. I'm lucky. My emotional and mental supports are firm in my family and friends. My 2 boys keep me going even on my worst days. If I don't take care of my babies there isn't any one else right now to do it. I would have to call my in laws or friends to come help. My husband is in Korea until March next year. Yes I get depressed at times. If I can't stand and do dishes for longer than 10 minutes or mop the kitchen floor I get depressed. These are things I could do all day in and out every day. Now I can't get out n the kitchen floor and do a deep scrub. I can't stand there and scrub my counters or stove. I can do it for 5 minutes then I'm done for a while. It takes me a few days to get 1 sink full of dishes washed. I was amazed I got those trees planted yesterday. Today I'm paying for it but I would gladly do it again, and will do it again. I am taking my life back even if it's only a little. Today I get to take my youngest to his PT session, and get my lidoderm patches. I still challenge everyone to go do 1 thing they used to do. If that means just watering 1 plant, walk your dog even just down the driveway, or go sit on the porch do it. We need to start taking our lives back. Remember we all hurt, we all fear the possibility of something setting off a flare, or spread. We need to STOP living in fear. The more we hold up in the house the more we fear the unknown. The world becomes the unknown. We need to step out into the sun. We need to feel it and enjoy it. Stop being scared and trust your judgments on what you can do. Don't let this define us. Let's start enjoying life again. Go feel the sun and see the flowers as we were meant to.

I'm hoping you don't mean the people here! :eek: I'm sure you don't :)

'Nothing but bitterness from people who have this disorder' is a bit harsh if you include the folk here! These threads contain a wealth of positive, supportive, informative and kind comments towards those who are going through a tough patch and need the help.

Speaking only for what I've experienced here ;) I think there are very few bitter people on this forum, and an awful lot of amazing and inspirational people who quietly fight against the limitations of this disease every day, and strive to keep the life they have - and to regain any tiny part of what they have lost. They are all brave and strong, even if they don't realise it.

We all have low points, and times when we do feel angry or frustrated at the effects this has on us, but it doesn't make us bitter people. Just decent, loving, kind, hard working people who are going through a crappy time and reaching out...

Bram :grouphug:

Well, I'm able to post a little today so that's GOOD huh?
I don't think anyone on here is intentionally bitter
There are times we need to share difficulties along with positive
events. Coping mechanisms huh? I like to think of it as providing
our own "therapy".
Allanira, thanks for reminding us that we can all understand being in
those "dark holes" and that we can encourage each other to try
to dig out.
I'm lucky that I too have a good Dr. who really gets it.
On a good note, I've been going to my continuing education for
my real estate license. It's inactive but I still keep it. It was kind of
a sideline for the last decade because we moved around. I lost my
"day job" lately of course. Now, I'm doing the classes in hopes that
someday I'll actually be able to do more.
:hug:

Non judgemental fluff
 

I have to chime in, I apologise upfront for this bit of fluff I'm about to spread.

I don't have CRPS, I have enough of other painful conditions that have cause to give me me great distress. Financial, Emotional, Family, Friendships to name a few and those are the ones that don't keep me or my partner up at night because either I can't sleep or I'm knocked out and I'm crying in my sleep.

I don't have CRPS but I've been called a drug addict an attention seeker and a malingerer.

I don't have CRPS and I don't have any obvious physical disformity.

I do have 24 hour pain, I suffer with chronic pain, severe depression, generalised anxiety, advanced osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, PN, a dodgy bowel, cluster headaches and the occasional grand mal just for good measure. My spine is crumbling and I will probably have my 5th fusion some time this year. I take the minimal amount of drugs possible to enable me to live a life in this 4 walled prison fondly referred to as my home. Of course there are times when I take the full prescribed amount of medication, they are very few and far between, wherever and whenever possible I try to survive the day on less than 10mg of OxyContin. I'm cutting down my anti depressants with the aim to once again cease them. I judge myself harshly when I have failed and had to resort to taking 1mg benzo, 5 months into the year and I've taken them thrice. I hate them, but I am grateful for when they knock me out and the relentless headache abates for an hour or so once awakened.

I don't have a support group of family and friends, they are all talked out, they still love me and I them, but we talk no longer of my ailments because I choose not to. They don't understand and rather than them suggest the I try this, that and, or the other thing because it worked for Aunty Betty or Uncle George and so forth I've found it better to keep my mouth shut and be selective about what social events I can make it to.

I cancelled the cleaner my mum arranged, no one cleans as well as you do yourself and if it means my house is no longer as clean as I would like so be it, because I know that at least once a fortnight I will force myself to move that vacuum round, I will move the furniture and I will dust and vacuum away cobwebs. All things cleaners no longer do as they are not covered by insurance. I used to laugh at my mum and dad cleaning the house before the cleaner came, then I learned why when I experienced it myself and I thought well bugger that, if I have to move this or put this away so that can be cleaned, I may as well go that one step further and do it all myself. There is nothing better than loving that feeling of knowing your house is clean.

I rarely go out. I use a walking stick and can never find somewhere convenient to put it without it falling over, someone knocking it or me forgetting it. It's very uncomfortable to sit in a chair at a Restaurant without fidgeting and moving and disrupting everyone and I in my insecurity feel people with me are thinking for gods sake just sit still. Well I know they are, my mother says it all the time even when I'm at home in my own house.

Last week I cleaned inside the house, that was Thursday, on Friday I got the Stihl blower out and blew the backyard and sideway to Kingdom come. On Sunday I went to the football, caught the train there, cheered like a loon for the 2.5 hours (we lost) and then walked 1k to the club for a drink. On our way to the game we change platforms just the once. Over 40,000 people attend the matches, a fairly normal crowd number, and with tickets in hand, public transport is free! So I'm sure you can imagine we were walking along with hundreds of other people. A man, a young man dressed all in black and carrying a backpack ran through the crowd at full tilt, he knocked me like a tenpin skittle and I literally flew up in the air, hit the outside of my right thigh on the corner of the metal handrail at the foot of the platform stairs and as you can imagine I was fairly panicked. Luckily for me an opposition supporter caught me midair (we all proudly wear our teams colours) and saved me from what could have, or definitely would have been a very nasty fall. My husband too was panicked.

In the last week I've upped my treadmill walking to 60 minutes, that together with the increased activity, the train walk to and from, walking at the grounds and walking to the pub gave me 2 you beaut blisters on each foot between my 2nd little toe and the one on my right foot has burst.

So I've got one hell of a headache as usual, my hips are weeping and throbbing, my neck, back and left arm hurt as they always seem to. I have the additional pain in my back from where the kindly man caught me and I undoubtedly twisted myself and I have a ripper of a bruise the size of a bread & butter plate on my right thigh where I connected with the metal post plus I have two blisters on my feet.

And today I'm all over the place, the blister on my right foot burst yesterday, it felt like the worst pain, it was so bad I imagined I must have damaged it in the flying tenpin skittle fall because yesterday I would have rated it on the pain scale. My other pains faded and all I could feel with every step was this intense ripping as the friction of the skin between the toes caught and rubbed. I can't walk properly with good body posture and that causes my hips to throb more and my upper and lower back to ache. I'm peeved because I can't work on losing weight gained through inactivity and I won't fit into my business suits when I'm ready to begin getting back out there and going for job interviews.

I'm bitter because I'm scared, I used to be good at my job, I won many awards and was widely acknowledged for the job I did, now I 2nd guess myself and put myself down and on reading job summaries I think to myself you won't be able to do that. I'm sad that I can't talk about my pain, I'm sad my dad is no longer here and mums health declining and I can't do for her what I want to do.

I'm bitter that my husband is finding it tough to live with me and my constant hospital visits, married 23 years and not a year gone by without my being hospitalised and more than 10 times in the last 2 years. I'm angry that the car accident 10 years ago ruined what quality of life we had despite finally after 6 years of court action the payout paid off our mortgage. I'm bitter that I have more than one freaking illness or condition and I'm frustrated that I had no choice other than to resign from the workplace just short of 2 years ago and I don't qualify for disability payments because my husband as a DDO earns too much.

I'm angry, sad and bitter about a lot of things as you can see, but, I'm grateful, so very, very grateful for the opportunity to write my stories of my sadness and my struggles. I'm grateful to the friendships and acquaintances I have gained on this NT site. I'm grateful to have learned I am not alone, that there are others in the world who like me suffer every day and not all with the same condition. I had never even heard of CRPS until I joined this site and some of the people I have learned from suffer far more than I can ever imagine possible. I've learned of different pain management techniques, different remedies and different approaches. I would not have had the opportunity to learn of any of these things if it were not for someone feeling a moment of bitterness and turning to this site and beginning to write of their journeys. I don't think anyone chooses to be permanently bitter here, everyone who I have encountered has had a story of gaining something somewhere.

There are those out there who are battened down and I hope that one day they will reach out and read some stories here on NT or YouTube and realise there is something to be gained from living and breathing, illness need not define us, for some, it can make us. Thanks for reading if you got this far. Like a said in the beginning I apologise up front for the fluff! :hug::eek::hug:

Sweetheart it doesn't matter if you have CRPS chronic pain is still painful (no pun intended). For those blisters make an epsom salt foot soak with warm water. It will help the new skin harden up. It's rotten when you go from being great at your job to falling behind and not being able to do it. I was the same way. For years I was bitter, angry, and lashing out at everyone. I even yelled at my poor dog because she was being a dog. I kept going to Dr's hoping someone knew what was wrong. Here in the USA the drs really have the gods complex going. We understand being scared, we understand a lot more than people think. I'm on another RSD/CRPS forum and am about to leave it because it's become a who's more bitter and angry than the next person contest. Yeah I don't need that. I need information. I need people that can talk positive more than bitter. Any chronic pain disorder is more than the pits. There have been times I just thought of taking my dog and walking away. We could just walk. Just her and I. My husband wouldn't be getting yelled at, my family wouldn't have to hear me being a bitter angry person who turned her back on everyone because "they didn't understand". This was before my goober boys came along. Then I realized I would be hurting my husband more, and my pain would follow. If I gave up and just walked (or in my case hobbled) away I wouldn't ever really find out what is wrong. So I'm still here. I'm still fighting to figure everything out. Yes I'll have this for the rest of my life. I can only hope and pray I have more good days then bad. I can only work to get the word out more about chronic pain issues. Also it doesn't matter if the nice guy that caught you was supporting the opposition. We are ALL human. Now for the kid that knocked into you. He needs a good switching as my Nannay says lol. I remember getting those when I needed them lol. What I was trying to get across was don't let the fear become your world. Don't hold it to you like it's a lover. We need to try and let it go. Your husband sounds like he is really trying to support you. Also moms are like that everywhere. Mine tells me the same thing. If I get too cold I start fidgeting because I start hurting. I'm in my mid 30s now and still get it lol. I can understand about the cleaning thing. I prefer to clean my own home. I have a full sink of dishes that need doing. I'm getting my oldest son to help some. There are times I don't get something done or physically can't. Right now I call my father in law to help. I'm paying yesterday and today for planting my trees but I'm still proud of doing it. We need to try to find something we can do that makes us happy. We are all scared of the unknown and what ifs. We just have to figure out how to do the things we want with out letting every scary thing get in the way. I use a cane daily. If I don't I fall or some how end up with my nose in dirt. I don't like relying on someone to carefully maneuver me around things, or sit on the sidelines. I want to dance my way thru this. Yes it's not a very good dance but I'm dancing my version of a jig. If you're scared, or hurting talk. Don't say maybe tomorrow I will, or maybe next week, or month, or year I will say something. Let us know. We will commiserate, or say buck up, or something. I tell myself all the time just do it. You never know what you can do until you try. You never know what worlds open up until you take that first step. Don't let any of this beat us. If you want to try something try it. Now I'm not saying go climb Mt Everest. I'm talking about the little things we can do. Go run the vacuum across the floor, go sweep out the cobwebs, go plant something. Even if it's in a pot someone brings you. Just do it. Enjoy life and don't berate yourselves if you have to take a pain med every now and then. It's only a sign of weakness if you let it be. Go laugh and smile and enjoy life again. Just a little slower this time. If you live in a neighborhood go sit on the porch with a pitcher of tea and say hi to everyone going by. See who stops in to talk. Give life a chance. It may be a lot slower than before the pain started but we can still enjoy. :grouphug: