I need guidance
 

Last year, my 23 yr. old Great Niece came to live with her father (my nephew) after her mother kicked her out. She had not had any contact with her dad for 20 yrs. She is a loving girl and goes to Adult Day Care 3 days a week and then at home for 2 days alone until her dad and step-mother come home from work. She has been hospitalized twice in the past year for attempted suicide. She has been diagnosed as Bipolar, Schizophrenic with ptsd from apparent sexual abuse from her step-father which her mother denies.
When she spends the day with me we have a delightful time, I taught her to do her nails, style her hair, take her shopping and out for lunch. She helps me in my flower garden. She sees a psychotherapist once a week. She will go for days when things are going her way and be happy as a lark. My nephew and his wife NEVER leave her alone on the weekends and it is mainly doing what she wants to do. I feel like they are consumed with her and have no time together. My nephew now seems depressed and withdrawn. Last week she had a breakdown at Adult Day Care and they called me and then she ran away (which she does quite regularly but comes back right away). I asked if I should come and get her and the Counselor said "no, she is fine, now" but she called her Dad and he left work which is 50 miles away and came hurrying home even after I told him what the Counselor said. I know he is sort of "guilt" parenting because he and his wife had a bitter divorce and he never saw his daughter while she was growing up. I get so upset when I go to their home for dinner, her dirty dishes from breakfast still on the table and she has slept the day away.

I have had no guidance on how this type of mental illness works. Lately she says to her father that the "voices in her head are back" but when she and I spend the day together she never acts out or mentions anything of this sort. All of this keeps me up nights as I worry about the family. Do I distance myself from them, do I just let everything keep happening or do I insist we all go to family counseling. I feel so bad that I am so ignorant on this disease but the more I read on the computer the more confused I get. Any ideas??

What do you think you should do? What is your gut telling you?
welcome to the forums
bizi

I guess I am thinking that maybe I need to distance myself from them since I may be doing more harm than good, given the fact that I have no idea what her doctor is telling her and don't know if this is all "par for the course". It will hurt like heck because I love all of them dearly but since they pretty much keep me in the dark about what advice they are being given by her doctor maybe they want me to butt out. This week I haven't even answered my phone on the days she is home alone when she calls me because I am afraid I will say something that will cause her to get upset and then her dad has to leave work and come racing home.

Skippy,

I didn't hear anything in your post to indicate that you in particular might get her more upset than anybody else or anything else. If her father is called and has to come home, that will happen. If it happens after talking to you, I'd say try not to lay it on yourself? I don't see a need to distance yourself... unless you feel a need to withdraw. If that's the case, then sure, do what you need to do.

Otherwise, I'd say, enjoy your family and take calls to the extent that you want to. As far as their not sharing medical information? I might feel hurt that they din't tell me stuff too, but as an outsider, I think it's unlikely that decision is about you at all. It may not even be a decision, just where the chips fall. I very much doubt it is supposed to be a hint for you to butt out.

take care

waves

I agree with Waves.

I also believe that she may need the connection with you.
I also wonder, and this is something you really need to consider.
Because she is over 18, the odds are that her dad and step mom
aren't in or allowed to talk to her psychiatrist. About what she
says to them.

Its more that I believe her dad needs to have a guide of when to come
home. I think your idea to sit with a counselor. WIth either the 3 adults,
to just learn how to help. And then all 4 of you to talk through things.

Is a fantastic idea. And honestly the reaction of her dad, is normal.
We always want to protect our kids. He needs to learn to let lose
just a little more.

Also I'm going to suggest you find your local NAMI alliance. I believe
just talking to others that have issues with family members will help
you personally. There is no reason you as a aunt, Right can't go
without the rest of the group.

Donna :grouphug:

Hi,

Enjoy the time you have when you see her. I am sure that she and her father and step mother appreciate that.
You can encourage your son to go to a doctor for depression.
You can also ask if your grandniece can sign a HIPAA document allowing you to talk to the counselor. (Mental health professionals are more careful about privacy issues than professionals in other medical fields are.)

Re the voices coming and going:
Maybe she is more stressed at home or maybe she does not feel free to tell you when she has them. This is one reason it might be good for her to talk to you about what is going on and / for you to talk to the counselor.

Whatever is depressing your nephew does not involve you. It is something with him. Encourage family counseling but be o.k. with no one wanting to do that.

They need you it seems and I am sure that they do not want you to butt out.

One of the things you might not see on the Internet is the awful toll the medications take on us.
These are common side effects:

• sleepiness
• anxiety
• brain fog

also, easily stressed
and others that I am forgetting

. . . . Somedays are good, but the other days we need to sleep or hide from the world in order to recover from the stress from the "good days"---> that is how it goes for me.

I can see that it would be frustrating not to be clued in on what is going on.
Answer the phone or do not answer the phone. That is up to you.
Answer on days when you are up to dealing with your nephew and his family.

M

NAMI www.nami.org/ National Alliance for the Mentally Ill
 

Here is the website for NAMI
www.nami.org/
National Alliance for the Mentally Ill

See if there is an active chapter near you.
They help family members.
M

whatever you feel don't feel guilt. She sounds very complex. I would ask for more information like triggers rather than backing away out of fear. She probably feels your love which is so positively powerful.
bobby

Thank you!
 

That is what she tells me too. She says I am like her big sister and she loves doing things with me. We laugh and laugh when we are together and she knows I love to help her pick out new clothes for church and help her with fashion ideas.

She is a sweet, loving girl!!

Thank you...the parents do have legal guardianship so I know my nephew does sit in from time to time. One thing I forgot to mention is that her father, my nephew, has Parkinson's and it does worry me that he is under so much stress from all of this. Thank you for your suggestion to contact NAMI, I will find it and do so.

Good luck, Skippy,

I wish good health for your nephew and grandniece. :) :) :)

Mari

Thank You soooo much for the support!!!:hug:

Best wishes with everything, Skippy. :)

Hi Skippy12. I'm glad that she goes to church. When I started going to church years ago,I received insight about allot of things,and strength to keep going on,and beyond. Bible verses in the Psalms are so helpful. Brokenfriend:hug::grouphug::hug:

for history I wanted to bump this up

In case she has flash backs
 

I cannot offer any insight to almost anything except the sexual abuse.
I have ptsd from multiplke counts o sexual abuse, and all I can say is, I experience every incident many, many times through flash backs. When I get a flashback, which can be caused by a smell, a sound, a similar scene like somebody doing something a person did before or after the incident, or even by being touched in a certaina rea where I was kicked or hit I am thrown back into the very moment.
A flash back isn't a memory. It is the exact same thing ahhpening. All. Over. Again. Every sensation is the same and just as real.
When I fall into a flash back, what helps me most is to be squeezed. A very strong, warm hug by my SO, or holding something with a very distinct feeling to focus on or a very distinct smell.
It is hard to recognize the flash back as myself not being in that very moment again, so something very stimulating in the real moment helps pull me out.

I also have ptsd from abuse from my parents. Again, the flash backs can be caused by what I listed above and are also just as real. Again, the same things help pull me out of the experience.

After having a flash back I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted and sometimes I don't have the strength to stand on my own. In this moment it helps to have something simple to focus on as I get my strength and breath back.

Something I highly suggest, if she has flash backs and what has worked for me, is a plushy or fuzzy toy that has been sprayed with a strong fun scent like orange or lavender. I would use my plushy scented toy whenever I was relaxing so I didn't have the toy and it's scent only associated with flash backs.

When my SO has a flash backs (he has ptsd from medical malpractice and childhood abuse) I stroke his hand and flick some cold water in his face. The water thing could just cause a panick in lots of people, I know, but this is what works for him.

PTSD is something that a person can opvercome with the proper tools and skills and support. I am not assuming your post is your neice having a flash back, but I want to help as best I can. I hope I ws able to help or shed some light. Feel free to ask me questions.